The Presentation

by WhatIsThisDefiance

Sonic the Hedgehog was definitely invited. But he wasn't with the rest of the crowd. No, he was backstage, preparing to give the presentation of his life to the seated humans. He could only hope the goodwill he'd accumulated thus far could sway the crowd, for the stakes were of dire consequence. - Oneshot.

Content Warnings: None

Spoilers: Games released more than five years ago

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The day had come. Anyone of any importance was there. The President sat up front, flanked by security guards. Not too far away sat the G.U.N. Commander and his generals. Although the room was filled with light chatter, the Commander sat still, his lips a firm line, his bi-colored eyes fixed forward.

The government was there, the press was there, and of course, the hero was there too. Having saved the country, and rather, the world, several times over, Sonic the Hedgehog was definitely invited. But he wasn't with the rest of the crowd. No, he was backstage, preparing to give the presentation of his life to the seated humans. He could only hope the goodwill he'd accumulated thus far could sway the crowd, for the stakes were of dire consequence.

"Stop fidgeting," muttered the the event planner, kneeling as she tried to affix a headset to Sonic's ear. "Listen, I know you must be terrified. Stage fright is the most common fear, and no one ever gets to appeal to the kind of crowd you have today. But I'll tell you what I tell everyone. First, take a deep brea-"

"Nah, it's not that," Sonic interrupted with a grin. "I don't do stage fright. But I am kinda excited about that buffet table afterwards."

She paused and stared. The faint echo of Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik played as the audience waited just behind the curtain. Recovering, the woman reached up again to finish with the earpiece.

"Hey, your hands are shaking," Sonic observed. "Are you nervous?"

"Um...yes."

"Why? I'm the one going on stage."

"I...I...yes, I know. But this is...this is huge! A presentation, an argument in front of...all of those...what if something goes wrong? W-what if…!"

"Hey…" Sonic placed a soothing hand on her shoulder and scanned her name tag. "...Layla, was it? Listen, it's no biggie. I talk to people all the time. There's no need to worry. Now, take a deep breath."

She complied, hugging herself.

"There you go. Feel better?"

She nodded slightly. A bell dinged, and Sonic cracked his knuckles.

"Finally. It's showtime!"

Sonic gave Layla a thumbs-up behind him as he jogged to the open curtain.

Best behavior, Sonic, he reminded himself. Be patient, keep the quips to a minimum, and definitely don't address the President as "Dude."

He entered the stage to the sound of subdued, professional applause, and walked behind the podium.

"Good afternoon, everyone," he announced to the podium wall in front of his face.

There was a pronounced silence. Apparently, no one had thought to use hedgehog-sized equipment.

Sonic rolled his eyes and walked to the left of the podium so he and the audience could actually see each other. He thought he could hear a hum of low snickering, but it faded quickly.

"As I was saying, hi!" he shouted. "Good thing I was never one to need a mic anyway, huh?"

The silence returned with a vengeance.

He whistled. "Tough crowd. Okay. On to business. As you all know, I'm here today to protest the signing of the new bill granting Dr. Eggman permission to build a satellite to broadcast a new robotics TV channel. As listed, the pros would be an increase in economy, a grant to the science foundation, and free stick-on mustaches to subscribers. The cons are….well, the man is an evil genius bent on world domination. And also, free stick-on mustaches."

Sonic paused for dramatic effect. He could see the Commander nodding in approval, but the President shook his head and stood to speak.

"Yes, we understand that he was bent on world domination, but he did voluntarily submit to the Megalomaniac Rehabilitation Program. And he passed without incident."

"He recently threatened the Sub Savants owner into naming a specialty sandwich after him."

"Almost without incident, then. Can you fault the man for being a little zealous?"

"That's not zeal, Mr. President, that's an ego the size of Chun-Nan. And you can't fix ego so easily."

"Ego doesn't affect the country's welfare."

Sonic shrugged. "Fair enough. So, here I have some diagrams of all the damages and evil acts Eggman's committed in the past five years alone."

Sonic snapped a finger and pointed to the display behind him. The screen flickered to life. But instead of the carefully-designed infographic Amy and Tails had helped him create, a screensaver with a stylized night sky popped up.

"Uh, tech crew? Where are my slides?"

He glanced through the crack in the curtain to see the planners tripping over themselves in a panic. Meanwhile on the screen, an adorable cartoon cow jumped over the moon.

Sonic sighed. "Never mind, you can shut the screen off. I'll recap his deeds from memory, because I was there. Stopping each and every one of them. For instance, we all remember the Space Colony ARK incident. Eggman didn't even build that particular monstrosity, but he sure took advantage of it."

"As I recall," interjected the President, "he vitally aided your group in preventing it from crashing into Earth."

Sonic took a deep breath, mentally counting to ten before answering. "Yes, Mr. President, because he didn't want to die on impact. But everything before that point was sheer terrorism."

The President frowned. "I also seem to recall you resisting arrest and causing millions in property damage. And, unlawfully boarding my vehicle."

"I...wait, you're still sore about that? Look, your sunroof was wide open!"

"I'm just saying, no one was a picture of perfect behavior during that incident."

"He blew up half the moon."

"True, though as it turned out, the resulting adjustments to the Earth's tidal patterns greatly improved the fishing industry."

Sonic had never counted to ten so fast in his life. "Alright. Let's talk about a different scheme."

There was a movement in the back of the room. Sonic paused as he watched a tie-wearing walrus shuffle past the crowd and exit through a small door. It struck him as odd; humans and animals generally got along well enough to be civil, but they tended to stick to their own most of the time.

So if I don't recognize this guy, who invited him? And why was he carrying balloons?

The President cleared his throat. "Sonic, my original point still stands. He hasn't committed any schemes since rehabilitating himself."

Sonic blinked and quickly tried to process what he'd heard but hadn't listened to. "Uh, right. But history will help us anyway. This wouldn't be the first time he's committed a scheme under the pretense of having been 'reformed.' I mean, even more recently, he built an entire amusement park in plain sight under that shtick. And it was in space too."

The President held up a hand. "If you're going to suggest he was given permission by the government to do so, you would be mistaken. Furthermore, the military gave no warning that the space elevator or anything attached to it posed a threat. It would have been their responsibility."

All eyes turned to the other authority figure in the room.

The G.U.N. Commander stood calmly, his expression never faltering. "I was incapacitated for hip replacement at the time, Mr. President. My then-second-in-command has since been reassigned to Holoska for puffin census duty."

"...I see."

"Regardless of fault," Sonic continued, "the fact that Eggman was allowed to build in plain sight definitely contributed to the danger. Even I didn't realize the extent of his plan until it was too late. If it weren't for an unbelievable stroke of dumb luck, he would have succeeded in mass-brainwashing the entire planet. As far as we know, the satellite is designed to do the same thing. In any case, giving Eggman any sort of leeway would result in a nightmarish catastrophe. I'm sure of it."

"I must agree with him, Mr. President," added the Commander, "the safety of our nation, no, the world, cannot be left to chance."

"It's true; all of your arguments have been sound..." the President agreed.

Sonic nodded. Finally.

"...but," the man continued gravely, "we simply can't take you seriously like that."

A hum of low snickering began to spread across the room again.

Sonic was incredulous. "What? I don't get it!"

The laughter began to increase in volume.

"This is ridiculous! You can't take me seriously like what?!"

Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, the President pointed directly at Sonic, and then slowly lowered his point downward.

Sonic blinked. "...huh?"

The laughter was now deafening. Sonic looked down. His sneakers were perfectly polished. And his suit pants were neatly pressed.

"W-w-what? I... how did….no... no…"

The room spun as the laughter began to echo.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Tails burst into his bedroom. "Sonic! Sonic, what's wrong!?"

"NOOO!" the thrashing hedgehog continued to scream, grabbing wildly at the blanket his legs were tangled up in. He finally got a grip on it and violently ripped it off.

"SONIC. WAKE UP."

Sonic blinked, comprehension dawning on him as his mind began to reboot. He slowly looked over at the fox.

"Hi Tails. Why is my blanket on your head?"

"Because you threw it at me. I did tell you that midnight snacks would give you nightmares.

Sonic smiled. "Oh. Heh, don't worry about me. I can handle a few scattered dreams."

"Are you sure? You're hyperventilating and sweating buckets."

Sonic was still smiling, but Tails thought it looked more like he had gas.

"Look, you're clearly traumatized. I think it's best if you talk it out."

When Sonic didn't argue, Tails sat on the bed next to him. There was a long pause as Sonic hugged his own knees, rocking slightly. Tails leaned forward.

"So, were you drowning?"

Sonic finally found his voice again, if only a whisper. "No...it was worse."

Tails raised an eye ridge. "What could possibly be worse for you?"

Sonic took a deep breath. "I...I gave a presentation for G.U.N. and the President."

Tails blinked. "Okay...and...?"

"Tails...I was...I was…" his voice began to quiver.

"Deep breaths."

Sonic took a few more slow, shuddering breaths before abruptly launching forward to grab both of Tails' shoulders.

"I WAS WEARING PANTS. PANTS!" he finally got out, shaking Tails for emphasis.

"Oh. Oh no. Sonic, I'm so sorry."

"It was awful. I don't think I'll be able to sleep now."

Tails sighed in resignation, stifling a yawn. "Okay, so what do you want to do?"

"Can we watch a horror movie? I think Vengeance of the Vampire Veterinarian is on Petflix."

THE END?

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Author's Notes:

Sorry. This was another one of my sister's idea rants, so I'm publicly blaming her anonymously again. That said, if you actually liked it, I'll gladly accept full credit.

XXX

Sister: and sonic discovers electricity because he licked a red ring

Me: he probably tried it offscreen. let's be honest.

Sister: he then suddenly dreams he's thomas edison

Sister: and he's getting MAULED BY A BEAR WEARING A NIKOLAS TESLA MASK

Me: died

Sister: because this is TOTALLY A DREAM

Me: ded

Sister: ALSO HE WOKE UP IN FRONT OF EGGMAN AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS AND SUBSEQUENT CRONIES ACTUALLY WEARING PANTS

Sister: because he doesn't wear pants in general

Sister: so I can only extrapolate that if he were wearing pants it would be a nightmare.