I don't want to change the world.
I just wanna leave it colder.
"I Will Not Bow" | Breaking Benjamin
CHAPTER ONE.
To whom it may concern—or to anyone who cares,
Hello, there. I'm sure you've heard of me, or at least of what I have done. I will start by saying that I'm not proud of my atrocities. I'm not proud of the way I handled things. And with what little sanity I have at my disposal at this moment, I want to inform you of what happened.
Where exactly I went wrong. Where I truly lost my humanity—but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Firstly, I want to point out that I have lived a long, long time. Needless to say, I'm a little tired of this thing called immortality. Oh, I suppose I forgot to mention my name: Ardyn.
More specifically, Ardyn Izunia—No… My real name is Ardyn Lucis Caelum. But I'm not here to talk about my very distant past, but I will discuss a portion of my past, nonetheless. Instead of describing my downfall of humanity—losing my sanity—I would rather talk about a happier time in my long life.
I could imagine that whoever is reading this, you may possibly be thinking about how could immortality be considered a bad thing? Maybe as we transgress through this journal, just maybe, I will consider letting my secrets bleed into the ink on paper.
But, until then…
As the bringer of my death comes closer to the throne I sit upon—even with these daemons fighting inside of me for dominance, for life—I can't help but smile that I will be able to see the one I loved again.
Love… what exactly was love anyway? I used to believe it was a feeling. I was once the Chosen of the Crystal, you know. I had the power to heal people—to take away their daemons. And I loved the feeling it brought me. To see these people become their old selves again. To see these people healed. I loved people once, and they loved me.
But, I didn't make their daemons disappear. I simply became the host. Year after year, I felt these creatures claw for supremacy, begging for release.
Of course, at some point during that blur of a life I had, I had apparently taken on more than I could bear; however, I still held onto my sanity.
That is, until the Crystal deemed me too corrupted and filled with daemons to be able to ascend into the afterlife. I suppose that was my breaking moment. That moment is when my sanity left and hid in some dark corner in my mind to drown out the cries of the daemons—
Oh, dearie me. Look at me spilling out all my troubles on paper.
I don't want your pity or even your sympathy.
I just want you to know that there was once a woman who had the power to bring light to someone as dark as I.
Let me think… the first time I met her—well, I was travelling the countryside on foot. Our meeting was in the marshlands—sorry, not marshlands. She made it very clear that the place was not called marshlands, but the actual name was Therman's Thicket.
I made it vibrantly clear to her over and over that "marshlands" sounded better than someone's thicket. Messy name, indeed.
I seem to keep getting ahead of myself. I was Chancellor during this time, but not many people outside of Niflhiem's royals and army knew what I looked like. This fact obviously played to my advantage more times than once. Even if my face wasn't renowned, people knew the name of Niflhiem's Chancellor, so you can presume I took measures to make sure not to release my full name on social occasions.
Moving on, that particular day, as I recall, was cloudy, but no rain. I was on a small mission with a minute group of Niflheim's expendable squad that consisted of five of them plus me.
This squad was impeccably boring beyond what words can say. They prepared bland meals of army service packets (I swear to whatever deity you worship—or not worship—that the "service packets" were leftover mush from the army's cafeteria). Utterly disgusting, honestly. I'm not saying I need the finest foods, but something better than someone else's leftovers.
This squad wasn't following any necessary protocols, and quite frankly, I was growing tired of it. There was a fiend encounter with several courels, nasty little creatures. During the fight, I slipped beyond some bushes and decided to have some fun without the unruly squadron.
Fortunately for me, I needn't too travel far until I found an interesting little quarrel.
I walked by a lake, minding my own business at the moment, when this greyish creature came out of nowhere and nearly ran me over. It was small for its species, but still stood taller than I. It had black, beady eyes, long legs with hooves, and its skin was made of some rock minerals. Basic weaponry did little damage to a creature such as a leynir. Of course, magic was normally the best way to defeat this horse hybrid, but only powerful magic could truly cause serious damage.
I had little to no desire to fight such a creature. I didn't, however, until another leynir, rather larger than the previous, ran straight into me and knocked me down. It knocked the air right out of me—hey, I may be immortal, but I still feel pain.
The damned thing made my hat fall off, too.
Directly after the much larger leynir had the audacity to begin this brawl, a loud growl came from my right. A beast stood there with red eyes shining maliciously. It was much like a morph of a wolf and a lion. The front paws had all the power and buff appearance to that of a lion. The hind legs coupled with tail took on the appeal of a wolf, designed for long journeys and quick flees.
All in all, many people referred to them as hellhounds. Not really a daemon, but something that looked like one, with an attitude to match, probably should have a name related to daemons.
Its fur was a deep ocean blue, like the depths where you'd surely die. White markings covered its hind left leg, but didn't appear to be anywhere else on the creature.
Oh, I forgot to mention that hellhounds were particularly rare with a hefty price to match.
The hellhound pounced on the smaller leynir, causing the stony pony to cry out. The larger leynir reared up with all intentions to wound the hellhound. Then, something soared through the air, followed by a loud thunk! As the leynir tossed around aimlessly kicking at nothing, I saw a simple wooden arrow in its eye.
It fled before any more damage could be done. The hellhound and lesser leynir tousled about, but I suddenly saw a small figure break away from a tree. It came at me with such speed and silence. I conjured a dagger out of sight beside my leg. Whatever it was, it was going to die.
"Are you all right?" asked a female voice.
I paused at the woman in front of me. My dagger had almost gone through her throat. Before I could answer, she glanced back at the leynir and hellhound. Must have been frightened, I thought.
"Can you stand?" she asked.
I offered a devilish smile. Of course, I could stand. Nevertheless, she offered her hand to me. I considered brushing it aside and standing on my own, but I must admit, it was… pleasant to see someone who seemed to care about my wellbeing.
Needless to say, I took hold of her hand. It was small in mine, but she wore a black, leather glove. She pulled me up with ease. I kept my dagger in my other hand, and I noticed her eyes spot it.
"Can you fight?" she asked.
At the time, I wish I would have noticed how gorgeous she was; however, all I noted was how much of a badass she seemed to be. Honestly, causing a leynir—full grown, at that—to flee from one simple, wooden arrow was truly a force to not be reckoned with.
In answer to her question, I nodded.
She offered a smile, but it was not one quite of happiness—rather, enjoyment of a hunt. She pulled her bow to full draw and faced the single leynir.
"Oh, and please don't hit the tartarus," she said.
Tartarus and hellhound are interchangeable, but most people deem to use the term "hellhound." It was slightly unusual to hear her say tartarus for the creature.
The hellhound and leynir bustled about, and the woman didn't release her arrow yet. She did, however, keep the arrow pulled at full draw. I've dabbled in some archery after she and I met, and I must say, it takes strength to hold an arrow at anchor point for more than a few seconds.
The leynir began kicking wildly, trying to get the hellhound off of itself. It made sure to kick in ways to where its vulnerable eyes were not in the woman's line of sight. The hellhound couldn't hold on any longer and fell off. The leynir fled far away from us.
The woman relaxed her bow and put her arrow in the quiver at her side. The hellhound walked up to her and circled around her, until he faced me. He sniffed in my general area and released a small growl.
Mutt, I had thought.
Dusk began disappearing, and night came out to breathe. There was a faint howl in the distance to the south.
Oh dearie me. I haven't described her to you yet, have I? Let's see, where do I even begin. She had long legs and arms, and she stood tall—not as tall as yours truly, however. She wore shorts that came to above her mid-thigh. She wore a light jacket with a white tank underneath. The jacket took on the color of a dark blue, which brought out her eyes—well, eye. Her right eye was the color of ocean's deep, welcoming you to its depth of suffocation. Her left eye took on the color of deep emerald grasslands, asking to bask in the sunlight. Her hair fell to her shoulders and was honey-brown, but as I would come to realize, the sunlight adds shining flecks of red.
I bent down to pick up my hat and placed it on my head.
Her gaze followed the leynirs to the north. She sighed lightly. "No use tracking them at night. We'll try again in the morning." She bent to one knee and scratched the hellhound's neck and back.
She stood erect again and faced me. "Have a camp nearby?"
I chuckled lightly. This girl trusting a complete stranger—me of all strangers. I shook my head. "I'm afraid not."
"Guess we'll make for the campground over there." She pointed northwest to a blue fire circling skyward. "I'd say about a mile, maybe?"
"Campgrounds are never really the way to travel. Hotels are always better," I said. "With a freshly made bed."
She offered a small smile. "Closest town is about five miles. Don't know about you, but I'd rather not take my chances in the dark."
The dark and daemons didn't scare me at all, but this woman… I had to admit, she intrigued me. I was interested in her—not quite romantically, at least not yet.
"You're welcome to come if you like," she said to me. Her eyes were kind, but they also had some secrets behind them. "C'mon, Seb."
I adjusted my hat. Enjoy an elegant bed…or follow this girl and hellhound in the dark?
I began walking forward with a smile on my face. "I suppose I shouldn't let you walk there alone, should I?" But I knew very well that she didn't need any protection from anyone.
The mutt walked by her right side, and I remained on her left. It had been a long while since I had found company that didn't annoy me so.
"It seems we haven't introduced ourselves. Please, call me Ardyn; happy to be at your service."
She cast a side glance at me, then her eyes fell to the earth beneath her feet. "Mine's… Kinsley."
"You wouldn't happen to be The Shadow, would you?" I asked nonchalantly.
She gave a small, bitter laugh. "So, I guess you've heard of me."
"Rumors are only commonfolk talk. It does no good to dwell on them, you think?"
Kinsley Shadow. That wasn't her true surname. As a matter of fact, she didn't have a surname, as far as Niflheim was aware of. She became notorious among the nations as a thief and hunter that moved almost like a shadow. Many thought her to be a powerful daemon that could walk among the day.
From seeing her move today, I can see why they coined her the name "Shadow."
"You probably have changed your mind about going to the campground now."
"I imagine I'd prefer your company over the daemons."
I met her gorgeous bicolored eyes, and she gave a smile.
That smile. There was something about it that I truly enjoyed. I felt more in control of myself than I had been in centuries. I doubted that I could ever get used to such a sight.
That night, we made camp. She offered a blanket for me. I thought I would regret sleeping on the rocks that night. She made a fire and cooked with what little food she had—which was only one can of beans. I think it was beans.
She ate half, then she handed it to me without a second thought. She walked back to the other side of the campfire before I could decline. She sat on the other side, and the hellhound lied down behind her right up next to her. She leaned back on the mutt, and he made no complaints.
"He seems rather fond of you," I said. I slowly ate a spoonful of the contents of the can. It wasn't great… but not terrible, either.
"Found him as a cub." She petted the giant head of the hellhound, and the damned thing actually purred. "Some hunters were torturing him. He wasn't too fond of me in the beginning." She removed her right glove. A scar in the shape of bite marks lingered on the top and palm of her hand. "I rescued him, and he bit me. Can't really blame him, though."
"When was this?
"Two years ago, I think."
"And he's stayed with you for this long?"
"It's not like I forced him to. He makes his own choices. But, I guess we've both grown rather comfortable with the other's presence. What about you, Ardyn? Any companions for you? Human or animal?"
Companionship wasn't a luxury I sought after anymore. Lifespans are too short for me to become attached—animal or human. I've had too many shares of betrayal.
"No," I said solemnly. "Not really anyone who can stand me for too long." It was true, and it hurt the deep, deep crevice of whatever feeling of remorse I had left. Even though, I still offered a smile.
She thought for a moment, staring at me with those brilliant eyes. What thoughts rummaged through her mind that I could not hear?
"Must be one hell of a fighter," was all she said.
"Maybe you'll see tomorrow."
Her eyebrows rose. "Accompanying me on the hunt?"
"If you'll have me. Mind you, I need no portion of the reward."
She eyed me skeptically, but she merely nodded.
"Let's make a bet out of it, then, shall we? I take down the bigger leynir, you buy me dinner from the fancy restaurant in Lestallum." That's odd. "And bring it to me outside of the city. My money, of course."
"So I buy you dinner with your own money? All right, seems fair," I said sarcastically. I had no intentions of using her money to buy her food. Her request didn't seem quite as odd now. With her face plastered everywhere, walking through crowded cities would be disastrous.
"And what if I win?" I asked.
"Then you buy yourself dinner for two and just happen to drive out of the city."
I chuckled lightly. "Kinsley, I'd say we have a deal."
To think back on it now, it was complete idiocy, but I considered I could help a young woman get a nice meal out of it.
This story also appears on the site Archive of Our Own under the same title and username.