Wasabi
Disclaimer: I've almost deluded myself into thinking that Mikey and his brothers belong to me, but Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird would beg to differ and rightfully so!
Kudos for my co-writer astrau, who is very helpful in writing & correcting this fic. This one-short story is dedicated to my friend from tumblr radiumcandy, originally published on shimbashka dot tumblr dot com.
OOOOO
It was a nighttime in New York City, when all the good people were already asleep, all the bad people were eager to make some mischief, and two older turtle brothers started their usual bickering. Today the bone of contention was their younger brother Mickey, who was sometimes irresponsible, often childish and always just plain annoying. At least for Raph he was.
"Mickey is not a glutton," Leo had to defend his younger brother, because Leo was the leader, the oldest, the strongest and the wisest one! He had to stand for the other members of his team who were weaker and dumber and ...well, anyway! "Take it back, Raph!"
"Yeah, yeah," red-masked ninja answered with a smirk. "Not a glutton indeed. Just a mutant with a bottomless stomach and intestines made of stainless steel!"
"You just like to pick on him!" Leo huffed.
"Just admit it, bro, if it is edible, Mickey will eat it! And even if it's not edible, Mickey will find a way to make it edible!"
"Not true!"
"Not true? Let's count. Algae and worms? Check!"
"We all ate…"
"Don't interrupt, bro. Pizza from the dumpster? Check. Regurgitated pizza? Check. Clay bunny he took for a ginger cookie? Check! The pink appendage of the dissected Kraang we found near TCRI building? Check and yuck!"
"He told me he was in stress and just needed to chew on something…"
Raph just snorted.
"Accept it as a fact, when it comes to food, there's nothing that can stop our little brother! Because, like our geekster bro Don likes to put it, Mikey is the ultimate omnivore!"
Leo pursed his lips. He was never the one to admit defeat without a fight.
"There must be something Mickey wouldn't like to eat or wouldn't even take into his mouth!"
"No such thing exists!" Raph said smugly.
The eldest of the turtles furrowed his brows; he couldn't cede this argument to Raph, because Raph's head was already too big for his own good and his attitude was bordering on intolerable. And so he sought in the deepest recesses of his well-trained mind and suddenly found the answer. When in doubt, ask Splinter, that had always helped him in the past, and that should help him now, because their wise and experienced Master knew answers to all the tricky questions. And so he went to Splinter.
"Sensei!" Leo bowed respectfully to their surrogate father who was at the moment meditating or just taking a nap under his favorite tree, even Leo couldn't tell the difference. The young ninja took a deep breath and blurted. "What was the most the most disgusting, revolting, nasty or just plain inedible thing you ever sampled in your life, sensei?
Slinter half opened his eyes and squinted at his oldest pride and joy.
"Apart from the algae and worms?
"Well…"
"It is a difficult question, so I have to meditate on it. So shoo!" He made the dismissing gesture with his hand.
"But sensei!" Leonardo stood his ground.
"Wasabi!" Splinter barked irritably. "It was wasabi. Happy now?"
"Really, sensei?" Raph dropped on the carpet in front of their teacher. "Why so?"
"Have you ever tasted this…vile…thing?" Their indomitable Master shuddered.
"No?"
"And I'd advise you not to even try. It's…"
"What?" Leo asked eagerly. "Bitter? Sour? Acidic?"
Splinter closed his dark eyes and exhaled sharply.
"It's like liquid fire that eats you from the inside. It destroys your esophagus, damages your senses, and ravages your throat and tongue. Do not EVER touch wasabi, oh my sons! Is it clear?"
"Hai, sensei," Leo nodded his head, ever the obedient one. Raph, however, was not satisfied with the explanation.
"Is it really so bad, sensei? I've heard humans use it all the time with sushi?"
"Humans, as you've already noticed, are not always wise in their decisions."
Raph just stared at Splinter doubtfully.
"Well, I have no choice but to tell you a story. Get ready for a black and white flashback!"
"Oh joy," muttered the red-masked brawler.
"Once upon a time when I was still young and handsome, I've studied martial arts under my own sensei. Oroku Saki was in our group, and we, the students, liked to pick on him, just like you, Raphael, pick on Michelangelo. He didn't like it at all, and so one day he challenges me, the strongest student, to a fight, and I, being the arrogant one, gladly accepted. Saki, however, set one condition - the loser of our fight had to do the winner's bidding. We fought and I lost."
"You couldn't lose!" Leo exclaimed. "You are the strongest rat in the world!"
"That may be true, but in a fight between equals victory and defeat are never set in stone. I lost to Oroku Saki and as a punishment he made me eat a plate full of wasabi". Splinter's fur spiked up, making him look like a big angry porcupine. "And I won't ever forgive him for that!"
"So wasabi it is", said the leader of the turtles after he and his younger brother were forcefully evicted from their sensei's private quarters. "The thing that brought down our Master should be a powerful thing indeed!"
"Wanna bet?" the sai wielder offered with a smirk. "Mikey'll just gobble it all down and then ask for seconds!"
"Challenge accepted", nodded Leo. "The loser does the winner's bidding?"
"Deal!" Raph smirked, anticipating his victory in advance. "So where do we get this wasabi?"
OOOOO
It was 3 a.m. in New York City, the god forsaken period of time when all the good people were still asleep, all the wicked people were thinking about rest and two rambunctious turtle brothers were knocking on Murakami's eatery door.
"Temee!" shouted the blind chef. The sound of knocking was so loud it could've even raised the dead. "Who the hell's there? We are closed! Closed! Till 9! Know how to read?"
The pounding intensified. Murakami, swearing intermittently in Japanese, Hakka Chinese and American English, dragged himself out of bed and grabbed the largest carving knife from the table. If this were those pesky Purple Dragons again, god help them, his refrigerator was almost empty and he was in dire need of a quality meat…
"That's us, Murakami-san! Ohayo!" he heard two familiar voices, sounding obscenely chirpy in this terrible hour of the night.
"O that's you, kame-san and …kame-san," he said with a forced smile. Ohayo, my ass! What did these boys need from him now? When one of them turtles came a knocking, they brought with them nothing but trouble! "You need…something?"
"How to explain," the leader of his so called saviors stuttered uncertainly. "We need wasabi…"
"Wasabi?" the blind chef almost choked. And for that damn reason they've woken him up? "What, now?"
"A lot of wasabi!" told another turtle. "As much as you can get us!"
"Well," Murakami closed his unseeing eyes. He'd gladly even close his ears and seal his mouth with a duct tape, if it could help him get rid of his …friends presence. "Wasabi's not a cheap thing…"
"Oh," the mutants sounded disappointed. "Guess, it can't be helped. Sayonara, Murakami-san! We'll look elsewhere!"
The sound of retreating footsteps was like music to his ears. Still, curiosity, the same thing that killed some poor unsuspecting cat somewhere, started to nag him at this exact moment.
"Wait, kame-san" he just had to ask. "Why do you need wasabi? A lot of wasabi?"
The mutants were too happy to oblige.
"Oh, that's for a …"
"…prank."
"…gift!"
He caught two different answers and only one of them was true. He hoped he guessed correctly which one.
"Who is the lucky one to receive this…gift?"
A long pause. Then…
"Mikey!"
Mikey? The short and obnoxious one that was capable of eating twelve bowls of ramen in one go without even thank you in return? The one who chewed loudly as a chainsaw? The one who dared to compare the taste of okonomiyaki to…to a lowly pizza? That Mikey?
"Kame-san! I just remembered! I still have a lot of wasabi!"
Deep under the eatery, in the far corner of Murakami's cellar, there was stashed a special kind of wasabi. Outlawed in 80 countries of the world where it was considered a chemical weapon, this condiment was a proud legacy of his late grandmother Murakami Hotaru, the most dangerous cook of the Kanto district.
"If you just wait," he bowed graciously to the turtle brothers, "I'll make wasabi gyoza for your dear little brother! Anything for my saviors!"
Just a little gift, he thought with malicious glee. Take that, turtles! Besides, it was not even his idea!
OOOOO
It was exactly 6 a.m., the beautiful time of the morning when all the decent people were getting ready for the new day, all the rotten people were starting to regret their sins and two tired turtle brothers were trying to infiltrate their lair unnoticed.
"You think Splinter's awake?" whispered Raph into his brother's ear. "If he catches us, we are so grounded for the next week or three!"
"Relax! If he catches us I'll do the talking," Leo whispered back. Recently he started to study the ancient ninja art of lying convincingly. Although still a novice in the finer points of said art, the leader of the turtles thought that he was making a good progress. Why, just a few days ago he dropped to Karai casually the news about the sword of Sasaki Kojiro that the House of Sotheby's was going to auction soon. And the weapons obsessed kunoichi had promptly tried to burglarize the auction house, got busted in the process (thanks to the timely anonymous tip) and hopefully got spanked for her efforts by her grouch of a father. Yes, Leonardo was confident in his own abilities.
"Besides," the blue-masked turtle added, "sensei should have already started his morning nap…eh, meditation. And when he becomes one with the universe, he neither sees nor hears a thing."
"Yeah, yeah," Raphael was still unconvinced. "And what about Don? If he ever gets a wind of our bet, he wouldn't be very pleased." And I'll have to do without the latest Sony PlayStation prototype that got flashed down the drain and that Donatello promised to repair and give him as a gift, he added silently.
"Are you kidding me?" blue-masked ninja looked at his brother incredulously. "When we were leaving he just started an all-night chat with April on the net. If I know our geeky brother, he'd be so exhausted he wouldn't notice even a full scale Kraang invasion. I hope."
"So nothing prevents us from throwing a welcoming party for Mikey?"
"Super special wasabi eating party?"
"Yes!"
And so the two devious turtle brothers promptly disguised themselves as furniture by the use of the ancient ninja arts. Years of practice helped them choose the best vantage point for observation. The large wooden plate was placed strategically in front of the couch and was spreading around the delicious smell of freshly cooked gyoza. All that was left was to wait for their younger brother to make his appearance.
And soon the victim of their infernal bet was in the pit, as if attracted by a strange smell.
"Oh," Mikey muttered. "What time is it now? Isn't it too early for…"
His gaze slid over the disguised ninja; both Leo and Raph stiffened, ready to bolt.
"…for pizza…" Mikey noticed enormous plate filled to the brims with…
"Gyoza?!"
His gaze clang to the plate as if it were a lifeline, a ticket to paradise, a fulfillment of his secret desires.
"Yay!"
And he lunged ahead grabbing small lumps of gyoza with both hands and showing them with improbable speed into his mouth. The expression of absolute bliss was painted of his face. Mikey was content, clearly so.
Told you! Raph signaled with his hands.
Watch it! Answered Leo by another hand sign.
Mikey was still busily filling himself with gyoza. He even forgot to chew, so great was his need to swallow as many pieces of dumplings as possible. His freckled cheeks puffed out like a balloon growing bigger and bigger with every moment. And then…
"Smmm…nnn…rttt", mumbled the orange-masked turtle.
Something not right, translated Raph obligingly. He was the one who often had to decipher Mikey speech and to put it into the coherent words in front of other brothers.
Leo smiled triumphantly. He was waiting for an explosion that was going to happen any moment. One, two, three…
And it happened! Mikey abruptly stopped stuffing himself, looked at the plate dejectedly and then started to wail.
"Nnnn…nnn…nnnn…nnn!"
No, no, no and no, translated Raph.
"H…cu…i…faaaat!"
How could I forget…Well, what? Something's not right! Raph scowled. These words were not part of the plan!
Leo made a big meaty victory sign with his fingers. He was right! The thing that Mikey wouldn't like to eat actually existed! And it was called wasabi!
Mikey started to spit out the little lumps of gyoza, one after another and counted them surreptitiously. There were more than ten altogether left on the plate. Good. He then sat on the couch as if nothing happened and turned on the TV.
"What was that?" Leo stood up completely bewildered.
"Why are you asking me?" Raph dropped his disguise. "Ask him yourself!"
Leo decided to do just that. He sat on the couch next to the orange-clad turtle and asked him curiously.
"What are you doing out of bed so early?"
Mikey sheepishly raised his head.
"Eating breakfast?"
"And," Leo cast a glance at almost empty dish. "Did you like your breakfast?"
"Yeah?" Mikey's voice was unusually timid.
"Good!" thought the fearless leader of the turtles. So Mikey didn't like the gyoza at all! He was just afraid to admit it!
"Think again!" Leo decided to prod his brother in the right direction. "Why did you spew it all out?"
Mikey looked at his brother and leader with soulful eyes, hiccupped and confessed:
"When I saw the gyoza I just couldn't help it! I had to eat it all! And it was so delicious and unusual and stuff! And then I remembered how our sensei always said that we, brothers, have to share everything! But I forgot about you! And Raph! And Donnie! I didn't share! Are you angry at me, Leo?"
The katana wielder was speechless. So that was the reason of Mikey's discomfort?
Arrogantly smirking Raph patted his despondent leader on the shoulder.
"Told you so! And Mikey, we are not angry at you. We are just happy you liked our …eh, gift!"
"Thanks, bros! You are the best!" Mikey's mood took a 180 degree turn. "Guess what I found?"
"What did you find?" mumbled the heartbroken Leo.
"The most interesting part is inside! It's spicy! It's delicious! And tt's green! Green! Like us, turtles!" He put a meaty finger in the middle of one indigested lump. The little dumpling broke apart and wasabi filling, radioactively bright and extremely pungent, spilled out.
"I am not that shade of…green," Leo looked with horror at Murakami's culinary masterpiece.
"Yeah, bro, you're much paler", Raph chuckled. "Wonder why?"
Mikey, totally oblivious to Leo's reaction, took dumplings in his hands and generously offered them to his brothers.
"Help yourself!"
The older ninja glanced at each other. Raph vigorously shook his head. Leo swallowed the lump stuck in his throat.
"Thanks!"
"All yours!"
With a casual shrug and hasty 'as you wish' Mikey dug into leftovers.
OOOOO
"You understand that you lost the bet, oh fearless one?" Raph couldn't conceal his glee. He cherished every moment when he could take his pompous leader down a notch. "Admit it, Mickey is a glutton! He will eat anything edible! Even wasabi! A lot of wasabi!"
"Yes," Leonardo had to visibly compose himself. "I admit defeat."
"The loser does the winner's bidding?"
"Yes," Leo gritted his teeth.
"Well, well," the red clad brawler rubbed his hands in anticipation. "What should I ask you to do for me? Do my chores for a month? Lend me your favorite tanto? Babysit Mikey? Or…"
The booming voice of extremely angry Splinter interrupted his musings.
"Who brought these vile green…things into the lair, Mikey?"
Leo and Raph looked at each other.
"Are you thinking what I am thinking?"
"Definitely," the blue clad leader of the ninja turtles swallowed hard, ready to bolt at any moment. "Guess what, I've heard that the sewers of Detroit are good this time of the year!"
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