Love At First Sight

"My name is Aaron and I am an alcoholic."

The obligatory spatter of applause ensued. He never really understood why they clapped although his therapist explained it as being a social courtesy. If someone new happened to join the group apparently they would be immediately encouraged to share their experiences, as they would realize that no reactions would be negative. Although as Aaron stood there blushing furiously he couldn't help thinking 'they have no idea what I have done.'

KNOCK KNOCK

"Hi. Sorry. Car broke down and then my ex called me 'cos our daughter is playing up and then I had this presentation for work to do…it's just been a bit manic. Sorry."

Aaron recognized the late arrival. He'd shared his story the previous week. He was a builder or something like that, twenty three, rich brown eyes, curly hair and stubble, he couldn't for the life of him remember his name. Aaron was startled back to reality as he realized John the group leader was trying to catch his attention.

"It's fine. Take a seat Jackson. So, Aaron…Aaron? You were saying."

'Jackson. That was it.' "Sorry."

"You were going to share your story with us tonight?"

"Yes. Of course. My story…"

Flashback

Aaron was in high school when he first realized there was something different about him. He had this friend, a lad he had known and grown up with, who one night did something that changed his life forever.

"I don't want you to hate me."

"I could never hate you Andy."

"You promise?"

"Promise. What's up?"

"I think I…I've fallen in love with someone."

"Really? That's amazing. Who is she? Is it Sophie? I saw you chatting with her by the lockers yesterday."

"No. It isn't Sophie."

"I know. It's Emma. She's kinda cute. You'd make a good couple."

"No it isn't Emma."

"Who is it then? Come on you'll have to give me a clue."

"I can do you one better."

Andy scrunched his eyes tightly shut and leant in closing the gap between them, he forcefully banged their lips together. Aaron was so shocked that he didn't even think to pull away. It took a while but Aaron did come to his senses and the primal fight or flight instinct kicked in.

"I have to go."

"No. Wait. I'm sorry. Aaron?"

"I was a complete mess. My head was thumping, my stomach was doing cartwheels and my heart felt like it was being torn apart. I wanted to go back and continue that kiss, but another part of me, a bigger part as it happens was saying 'run like the wind' so I did in the opposite direction.

Andy wasn't in school the day after, although I had mustered the courage to speak to him. I was late in that morning after having yet another pointless argument with my step mum, so when I arrived the receptionist collard me and directed me to the main hall. It was packed. The whole school was seated in silence. I crept in and sat on the end seat of the back row.

The Head was on the stage addressing the children and the staff. I don't think it sunk in. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I could feel myself burning up. I had the sudden urge to throw up. I couldn't believe it. That was Andy she was talking about. It couldn't be true.

"Mrs Littlewood has informed me that Andrew committed suicide sometime late last night. He left a note explaining his reasons, which I will not divulge, but it is fair for me to say he felt confused and alone."

I tried to listen to what was being said, but the pain in my chest was excruciating and the tears that had been welling in my eyes were now flowing freely. I had known him for over twelve years. Twelve years. And he didn't trust me enough to give me some time. I never got the chance to tell him how I felt. I'm sorry. He struggled breathe as the tears that had been threatening throughout his recollection started to fall. You are probably all wondering what any of that has to do with…well anything. But that was the first day I discovered that despite being a depressant alcohol could in fact help me to forget, or at least numb the pain. He felt a pressure on his lower back. The warmth of the touch and Jackson's accompanying smile encouraged him to continue. I didn't go to Andy's funeral. I spent that particular day in a police holding cell for a drink related crime. I don't remember the specifics or the court case for that matter as I didn't show up. The police caught up with me in some local dive and I have spent the last six months in prison. My sentence was reduced on the understanding I attended therapy and this support group."

"Well thank you Aaron."

Once more there was a spatter of applause, but Aaron was so entranced by the smile flickering on Jackson's lips and the twinkle in his eyes that he failed to notice.

"Well done."

Jackson whispered and squeezed his knee encouragingly as he sat down.

"Right, well time for a breather. Help yourself to hot drinks and the cakes, my daughter made those herself she wanted me to tell you."

Aaron remained rooted in his seat, his heart was beating ten to the dozen and he felt slightly sick.

"You did brilliantly. He felt a comforting pressure on his shoulder. Do you want to get out of here?"

"Yeah that would be great."

He bit back what he was desperately thinking which was he'd have killed for a drink.

"You can come round to my place. I've got all the orange juice you could possibly want. Jackson winked none too subtly and Aaron managed a shy smile. Don't worry I've been there once or twice. Aaron seriously doubted that and it was written all over his face. Come on. My van's just over the road. I'm a builder, but I guess you know that since I shared last week."

"Yeah and I've seen you around. Aren't you doing up a cottage in Emmerdale?"

"Yeah for Declan Macey. Are you from round there?"

"Yeah I lodge at Smithy with Paddy at the vets and I work at the garage down the road."

"Good to know."

"Why?"

"'Cos I may get to see more of you and my vans on its last legs so you can give it the once over for me."

Jackson chuckled good naturedly. Aaron couldn't seem to stop smiling. There was something about this guy that almost made him forget himself. He couldn't help thinking he wanted to get to know him better.

The drive back to Jackson's flat took less than ten minuets, neither of them noticed as they had slipped into a companionable silence.

"Home sweet home. Jackson smiled as the engine grunted to a halt. I am lucky I found myself a mechanic as you can hear she's nearly on the way out."

"Do you want me to have a look now?"

"No. Don't be daft. I invited you for a drink and a chat not to get you working again."

"It's okay. I don't mind."

"Aaron. Relax. I was hoping we could get to know one another a little better. Jackson flushed at his obvious forwardness. Considering that group is meant for talking I don't feel I really know anyone there."

Jackson couldn't help himself. There was something about this lad that was drawing him in. He obviously liked to think of himself as a bit of hard nut, but Jackson could see the vulnerability. He obviously blamed himself for what happened to his friend and being able to speak those words had taken strength and courage.

"There's not much to know."

Aaron conceded with a shrug of his shoulders, but Jackson couldn't fail to notice his smile falter and his eyes dim.

"I'll be the judge of that. Opening his front door he stepped aside to let Aaron in. So what can I get you? Tea, coffee, apple juice, coke, orange, lemonade, Summer Fruits?"

"Any chance you can slip Vodka in any of those?"

Aaron sighed wistfully.

"I could, but I'm not going to. How long have you been off the booze?"

"A while. Prison does that for you. What about you?"

Completely forgetting his role as dutiful host Jackson joined Aaron on the sofa.

"Three years, seven months and two days and believe me it's just got easier."

"Great. Aaron buried his head in his hands. What made you stop?"

He would have been embarrassed by his abruptness had he not been genuinely interested.

"I realized something important."

"What's that?"

"My family comes first."

Aaron couldn't hide the pain that swept across his face.

"You're lucky. He managed a half smile. I don't think mine even remember I exist."

"What none of them?"

Aaron was not the most open of people when it came to his feelings, he did his best to build up walls and project a brave face to the world, but one look from Jackson and the floodgates opened and there was no stopping them.

"My mam left me and my dad when I was a baby, then my dad moved on met this woman, had another son and I was forgotten, he said I was a handful, not worth the effort, I was fifteen when he gave up on me and kicked me out. Paddy was the next one. My mam was dating him, but she left him and me again like she always does. He took me in. I caused him nowt but hassle. When I got sent down he didn't come and see me, he didn't even write, I should have gotten the picture by then. No one who sys they care about me stays around. They always give in. I guess that's just how it is."

"But Andy was different."

Aaron hadn't even realized he was crying, until Jackson leant forwards and tenderly wiped away his tears.

"How? Aaron growled. He didn't just leave me he gave up on everything. He didn't give me a chance. I never got to tell…"

"Tell him what?"

Jackson nudged him encouragingly.

"It's all my fault. He did what he did because I never told him it was okay. He never knew…he didn't give me the chance to tell him I…I…"

"Go on."

"I loved him."

Aaron mumbled into Jackson's chest as he collapsed into his arms, crying uncontrollably finally releasing the years of pent up emotions. It was a good fifteen minuets before Aaron had composed himself and he couldn't help feeling stupid.

"I'm sorry."

"What for? Apart from sniveling on a perfectly good shirt you haven't done anything wrong."

"It just feels so strange. I've just met you and…I don't know you make me feel…safe. He couldn't believe he had just admitted that out loud. I've never talked about Andy before. Not to anyone. Not even Paddy."

"Sometimes it is harder to be honest with those you feel close to. Jackson parroted something his therapist had once said to him. Do you fancy that drink now?"

"A coffee would be great. Aaron took a deep breath and sank into the couch as Jackson pottered noisily round the kitchen. Jackson, can I ask you something?"

"Sure?"

"When did you know?"

"When did I know what?"

Jackson appeared from the kitchen two steaming mugs of coffee and a plate of biscuits in hand.

"That I…no that you we're…?"

Blushing furiously Aaron stuttered incoherently, Jackson couldn't help thinking he looked unbelievable cute when he was digging himself into a hole, but he put him out of his misery.

"I knew I was gay when I was in high school and I had a crush on my maths teacher and I knew you were gay, or at least I thought you were from when I met you. When did you first realize you were gay?"

"You'd think it would be that night when Andy kissed me. But honestly I had my suspicions before that."

"And you didn't tell anyone?"

"I haven't told anyone ever. My dad used to make stupid jokes and go on about how it was all so disgusting so I decided to give that a miss. My mam had already left so she wasn't an option and Paddy…he would have understood."

"So you were scared that he would have accepted it?"

"It wasn't so much that he would, it's just by then I really couldn't. How could it be a good thing? It had killed my best friend."

"But that isn't true. Andy killed himself because like you he couldn't accept who he was and you are punishing yourself for that. Don't you think he'd want you to be happy? Have you thought about coming out?"

"No."

"You've just told an entire group of strangers and the world hasn't ended."

"It's not the same."

"You will never know unless you try."

"It's not going to happen so give it a rest!"

He snapped.

"Fine. I'm sorry."

"No. I'm sorry. You didn't have to rescue me tonight. In fact I am still wondering why you did?"

"I told you. What you did tonight took some real guts, but you looked like you needed to get out of there. Plus I have been there."

"Tell me about your family."

"What?"

Jackson had no idea where that change in topic came from.

"You said they helped you to stay clean. So far all I know is you have a daughter. What about the rest of them?"

"It's getting a bit late."

Jackson was suddenly interested in his wrist watch.

"Great I spill my guts, but you won't return the favour. So much for getting to know each other."

Aaron teased playfully.

"It's getting on for eleven o'clock and I have an early start tomorrow. I'm not avoiding the subject I promise. Are you free tomorrow night?"

"I might be."

"Well if you are you could come round here and we'll order a take out and carry on where we left off."

"Sounds great."

"Good. Do you want a lift home?"

"Yeah that would be great. The drive back seemed to take longer than the drive there as Jackson was chatting away and driving a lot slower. Finally they ground to a halt outside the vets. Thank you for tonight. I really needed that."

"That's my pleasure. Anytime you want to talk I'm here."

Jackson had no idea what had made him say it, for God's sake he'd only just met the guy, but he had a niggling feeling it was the truth.

"If you are in the area we could meet up for a pint at lunch, in the Woolpack at 12.30 ish?"

"Sounds like a dat…"

"Date it is then."

Aaron leant across to the driver's side and hugged Jackson briefly, as he pulled away their eyes locked. Unconsciously Jackson licked his lips, as Aaron cautiously closed the gap between them, Jackson could feel Aaron's breath tingling against his cold skin and he parted his expectant lips to allow his eager tongue access. Their tongues battled furiously, exploring every inch and crevice of each others mouths.

"That was interesting."

Jackson mumbled under his breath.

"Yeah it was. Smiling uncontrollably Aaron hoped from the van. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Definitely."