37 days.
She's screaming, her voice echoing down the hallway. Everyone is listening, it isn't just me. She's boldly accusing him of crimes he didn't commit, and going as far as to slap him when he denies it. For a moment, he just stands there, eyes wide, stunned. Then, he turns on his heel and retreats. I watch him storm into the bathroom, and after a few more seconds of silence she bursts into tears and the bell rings simultaneously.
I pass by the bathroom, but stop midway to my classroom. One or two students here commit suicide every few months. This place is a hellhole. Would he do it? I sigh, waiting until the hall clears out a bit. My older sister, Miku, gives me a get-to-class look as she passes me.
We look nothing alike, except for one of my eyes. She has blue-green eyes, and long aqua hair in long pigtails. Only one my eyes are that blue-green, the other one is a light, pale blue. My hair is different, too. White, straight. Thinner and softer and shorter than her hair. Aside from that, our height is the biggest difference is our height. She's tall for a girl, and I'm short for a boy. But we do have the same bone structure, especially in our faces. I guess that's why people think I'm a girl sometimes.
Once the late-bell rings, I turn back and go into the bathroom. I don't see him in here, but I know he didn't leave. I hear a clatter from a stall, like candy hitting tile. Small, round white pills roll out from under a stall, and someone swears.
I don't bother knocking, just push the stall door open. He's sitting on the floor, doesn't even look up. In his hand, he has two of the white pills, and with the other is scooping them into a pile. His hair, long, purple, and normally neat and in a ponytail falls around his shoulders and down his back messily. His uniform- white button-up shirt, black pants- is messy and unraveled. Under his tired lavender eyes are dark shadows.
"What are those?" I ask, leaning against the stall's metallic wall. The dim light of the bathroom is flickering, and buzzing instantly. Like a warning that it won't last much longer, but all the lights here are like that.
"Antidepressants." He states, staring at the pills on the floor. He shoves a white pill-bottle into his pocket. "That was over half of them."
"Today must not be a very good day, huh?" I kneel down beside him.
He scoffs, but doesn't comment. "I guess you saw? In the hall?"
"Yeah." He doesn't say anything, so I go on. "My sister probably told everyone by now that didn't see. She's a bitch."
"I don't care. Luka's going to tell everyone. I broke it off with her, that's all."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I was- well, it's complicated. This was inevitable, though." A few minutes pass, silent except for the buzz of the light above us. "Piko..." I look at him, and but he's staring at the pills in his hand. "Do you remember middle school?"
I freeze, my stomach turning over. "Yeah."
"Do you ever miss that? Miss us?"
"I used to, but not anymore." I realize how cruel that sounds, but after what he did to me, I just couldn't... I could never tell him the truth.
He rubs his temples. "I'm sorry. You know that, right?"
"I know."
He sighs, banging his head on the wall behind him and letting the pills fall to the floor. "I can't do this anymore."
"Then don't go back to her."
"You don't understand, Piko. It's really complicated."
"Then explain it!" I raise my voice, shifting onto my knees. "I'm not the same little kid I was at first! I haven't been for a long time!"
"I can't." He says simply. He stands up slowly, tiredly, like it hurts him. "I have to get back together with her. Maybe some big scene about it to get her back."
"...You're better than that." I state, standing as well and brushing past him. "You were always better." I leave without waiting for him to reply, and head to my classroom. I make some lame excuse when the teacher asks where I'd been, and take a seat without a problem.
"Oh shit, what happened?" Len asks as I walk in. He's always here before me. I don't know how he does it. "You look like you did when-"
"Shut up." I mutter, crossing through the small apartment to the couch. I crash down on it and sigh, rubbing my eyes. "I can't wait to leave this town."
"Just another month till you leave us all." He snorts, dropping onto the couch beside me. "Are you really going to just leave?"
"Once I'm out of school, what's the point of staying?" Len is almost as short as I am. He and his twin sister are both blond, with bright blue eyes. He keeps his up, and she keeps her own down. "I can't get over him as long as I'm still here."
"What if he's changed?" Len is always optimistic. I try not to make the same mistakes twice, but he usually talks me into it.
"He's still with Luka. He hasn't changed."
"It's killing him. Being with her. Me and Kaito were talking earlier, he said that Gakupo has to stay with her. He wouldn't say why."
"He implied that earlier, but he said it was complicated." I sigh. "It doesn't even matter."
"I think you should give him another chance. He asks about you."
"Len, he cheated on me- a lot. And all he ever did by the end of it was fight with me over things that didn't matter."
"That was a long time ago."
"I gave him three years to change, okay? I stayed for three years. I can't do it again, I can't take it."
"I know, Piko. I just can't see you happy with anyone else."
Neither can I.
34 days
The teacher drones on and on about something no one even cares about. I wonder if he realizes that no one is paying attention. Everyone is either talking about drugs or what chick/guy they banged last night. Or the prom coming up this month. Or the bonfire down at the beach tonight. I'm going to that, at least. It's a senior-only party, and Len is making me go.
A folded slip of paper lands on my desk, and I look around. No one is looking at me, so I unfold it. It reals 'We need to talk- Gackt'. I frown, crumble up the paper and drop it on the ground pointedly. Why won't Gakupo just leave me alone? I don't need this highschool-drama shit!
At lunch, Gakupo is sitting with Luka, looking just as much like a zombie as usual. Later, in English, I see him taking one of those white pills.
The fire glows in the night, warming those around it on this chilly night. It's a cool night. Haven't had one of those in a while. Beside me is Len, talking animatedly with Kaito. Beside Kaito is Gakupo. I don't see Luka. She doesn't really like being outside, though, so I didn't expect her to be here.
Len stands up, and he and Kaito go off towards the beach without a word to me. I feel like they did it on purpose. I can feel lavender eyes focused on me, so I turn to the girl beside me. It's Rin. She smiles.
What happened to her? What's happening to everyone? She used to be such a good little girl. Now... Short shorts, revealing tank-top. "How's it going, Piko?"
"Same as always." I force a smile. "We haven't talked in too long. Still with Teto?"
She nods, giggling. "She's amazing."
I laugh lightly. "I'm glad."
"What about you? Dating anyone?"
"No." I shrug.
"Piko." Gakupo's voice, tired and wary, sounds behind me. "You wanna go down to the beach with me?" He asks softly, insistently.
Rin waves me away. "You go, I'm going to find Teto." He rises, and leaves me just like Len and Kaito.
"Please-"
"Gakupo, stop." I stand up, glaring at him. "You have no idea what I gave up for you, do you? Everything. My family, for one. I haven't seen Yuuki in years because they won't let me see her, because of you."
"Piko-"
"And you knew it would happen if I stayed with you! You let me stay with you just so you could run around on me? And treat me like you never even loved me in the first place. You wanna talk? Let's talk about that."
He doesn't say anything, his eyes on the ground. They're so tired, so dead. I almost feel guilty. Almost. I turn away, starting my walk back to the apartment Len and I share.
30 days
What is wrong with people? I hate weekends. Everyone wants to hang out, and they won't stop even when I tell them I'm not up for it. I can't do this anymore. I pull the blankets over myself, staring at the dark ceiling above me. Len cracks the door, and I squint against the light.
"Piko, are you sick or something?"
"I'm fine. I just don't feel like getting up today." I state, rolling over and turning my back to him. Finally, he leaves.
25 days
"Come on, Piko, have fun! You're leaving in, what? Four weeks?"
"Just about." I reply, smiling a bit. At the beach again. This time, Gakupo and Kaito aren't here, but Rin, Teto, Miku, Len and Oliver are. Len tackles me into the water, and that starts the water war.
23 days
"Piko, please talk to me." Gakupo is practically begging me, holding onto both my shoulders. I have to look up to see him. He's been taking those pills a lot. I don't think he has any more, though. He threw the bottle away in English. "I need to talk to you before you go."
"Why?" Why won't you just leave me alone?
"I need to explain things. I can't make excuses for what happened before, but about Luka, I-"
"Look, Gakupo, I just can't anymore." I shrug him away. "I ruined my life for you, and you didn't even care."
"I was stupid, Piko. And young. I didn't appreciate things like I do now."
"Well, I was young too. And stupid. But I still gave up everything for you. But I guess that was pretty stupid."
"I love you."
I turn around and run.
17 days
"Where have you been, Piko?" Miku demands, having cornered me in the classroom. "Mom and dad are beyond pissed!"
"Well, they didn't care enough to call me."
"They're not going to pay your tuition at Uni if you keep skipping."
"I told you Miku, I'm leaving as soon as school is out."
"Oh, god. You're still on that?"
"Piko." I sigh upon hearing my name. "Where have you been? Were you sick?"
Gakupo again. I wish he'd leave me alone. How can I get over him if he won't go away? I don't even look at him this time. "I just didn't feel like coming to school."
"You've missed a lot. If you need help catching up-"
"I don't." I just walk away.
13 days
He corners me in the bathroom, blocking the door so that I can't just leave. "Piko, I love you."
I don't reply, afraid of the lump forming in my throat.
"I'm in love with you. I can't-"
"You're still with Luka."
"I can explain-"
"I don't want you to explain." I scream, my voice echoing through the bathroom. "I don't want to hear what you have to say, and I don't want you to love me! I just can't!" I don't know how to tell him that I'm not just moving away. That I'll never be back. That he'll never see me again. At least, not alive. "I don't want to talk to you!"
Before I can say anything else, he's pushing me back lightly, gently, until my back touches the wall. I know what he's doing. If I really wanted, I could tell him to stop, tell him to go away but I don't. Even when I feel his breath on my lips, his fingers in my hair, I don't stop him. I let him. And when his lips just barely touch mine, I let him kiss me, even if I don't kiss back.
He deepens the kiss, sending tingles from the contact through me. I don't move. I don't return the kiss, and I don't pull away. I can barely think. When he pulls back, I burst into tears and slide down the wall to the floor. I hug my knees, silently sobbing into them. He kneels down beside me, and I let him take my hands in his.
"I'm sorry. Piko, I am so sorry." His voice is tight, like he wants to cry, but he doesn't. "I have no excuse for the way I treated you, but- I would never do it again. Please don't leave, Piko." Why is he doing this to me? Was it not enough to destroy every aspect of my life? Can he not just leave me alone? "This whole time that I've been with her has been hell. I'm only alive because you're here, because I've been hoping you would forgive me." He pauses. "I know I don't deserve it. I was- I was horrible. I feel horrible, and I deserve all of this. I deserve for you to hate me, and I deserve to stay with her but- Piko, I'm in love with you. I always loved you." Another pause. "You didn't deserve anything that I did to you."
"Why did you do it?" I ask after a moment. I'm trying to regain myself, to calm down.
"Because- I'm an idiot. I don't- I couldn't figure that out. I never cared about any of them. Anyone else. And they knew I didn't, I just- I just fucking screwed up." He's holding the sides of my face now, so that I'm looking at him. "I don't deserve it, muffin, but if you'll give me another chance-"
I push him away and stand up, feeling myself falling apart all over again. "I gave you chances, Gakupo. With every guy and every girl I caught you with, I gave you another chance. For the last three years I gave you chances, you had three years. I can't take that chance again." I feel a pang of guilt stab through my chest as his face falls. But I leave.
8 days
'Are you really leaving? -Gackt' I stare at the note for a while, and finally scrawl my answer. 'Yes.' I toss it back over to him, and ignore the next note he sends to me.
He comes up to me at lunch, and I glance over at Luka, who is glaring at me angrily. His eyes look so tired. Dead. Like he died. And maybe he has. I know I have; he killed me. I get up and walk away.
"Will you go to prom with me?" The question startles me. What about her? Obviously, she'll care. And she'll find out. I know they're together, she's waiting at his car. "Just- one more time before you go. One more day with you, please."
"What about Luka?" I make sure to keep my tone flat. I don't want to get his hopes up.
"I talked it out with her. She's- she said I can." She said I can. Like he's a dog. Good boy.
"I can't."
The walk home has never been colder.
2 days
"You should go with him, Piko." Len insists. "I have a tux you could wear. Just call him, I know he's waiting to see if you'll change your mind."
"How would you know that?"
"Kaito told me." Of course.
"Len, you know what he did-"
"And I also know that he's sorry. Kaito finally spilled and told me why Gakupo's staying with Luka. Do you want to know?"
"Do I?"
"Because her father is Gakupo's father's boss. If they split up, his dad gets fired." My heart sinks in my chest, and I just go to my room and slam the door. Five minutes later, I'm back, and Len hands me his cellphone without a word.
About an hour after that, Gakupo is at my door, and I'm in a white tux. My hair is pulled back into a low-hanging ponytail. Gakupo's is down. He's in a black tux. There's a limo and everything. I wonder if he somehow got it last-minute, or if he just knew I would change my mind? He was always good at reading me.
Everything at the prom is beautiful. White and light blue décor, balloons, streamers, lights. The place is just about glowing. It's like ice. They're already playing slow songs, and he leads me straight to the dance floor. One hand on my waist, and the other holding my hand. I remember dancing like this with him. At his house, there was always this one song. It was a breakup song, but it was beautiful and he would always dance with me to it. I don't know why I liked it so much, but it kept me with him for the last year. I would listen to it when I would get doubts.
Swaying, stepping to the beat of the song, I keep my eyes off of his. I wonder if he's enjoying himself, or if he thinks this was a mistake. Something about him seems lighter than usual. After a few songs, he gets me a drink and says he'll be right back. When he returns, he takes me back to the dance floor, and smiles at me as a song begins.
No... I can't hear this now. Not now. Listen to Your Heart begins, and my lips part as I try to speak but I can't. It's the slow version- my favorite. Did he do this? His smile is sad, like he knows the truth of what I plan to do. I'm not just leaving; I'm killing myself. And I think he's figured that out. As we dance, my head ends up resting against his chest, and he's hugging around my shoulders, all the while keeping rhythm. "Piko..." His voice is low, soft. I can feel it in his chest. "I love you."
My fingers curl into his jacket impulsively, and I bury my face in his shirt. He just hugs me tighter. I missed his touch, his smell, the way he always knew what to do. "What about her?" I don't bother to keep the bitterness out of my voice. There was always someone else. I hated it. I hate it.
"I don't love her- I never loved her. Piko, I hate her. She knows I hate her."
"But you have to stay with her. I won't be the 'other'. I won't be the one you cheat with."
"Piko," He pulls back enough to tilt my head up, to make me look into his eyes. His eyes... They're so much... Livelier than they have been lately. So much softer. "We're done. Today- she broke up with me. So I could talk you out of leaving."
"Why?" My eyes widen in surprise, and I step back, away from him. Away from his touch.
"Because she knows that I love you. And that Kaito, and Len, and Rin would miss you- and that you were leaving because of me." I try to turn away, to run again like I have been but he catches my wrist. "Don't do this. Please, don't do it." How does he know? How did he always know?
"Why?" I demand, my eyes brimming with tears. It's like no one else exists right now. Only me and him. "Why shouldn't I? I have nothing- My family hates me, except Miku who only talks to me because I'm friends with her friends. I have Len. No one else talks to me, and you knowingly destroyed me. How do I know-" My voice breaks, and I let out a frustrated sort of growl. "How do I know you won't do it again?"
"My father lost his job today. I know- I know it's not much, but- I did it to be with you. Piko, I can't live if you're not in my life." A pause. "I love you."
"I know." I stammer. "I- I know. I never stopped loving you."
I don't know if I fling myself at him or if he moves to me or what happens, but he's kissing me and I'm kissing him back. I don't know if I made the right choice, but I know this is a step in the right direction. I know I love him. I know he loves me- but I don't know if I can trust him.
"Maybe... Maybe you can show me that it won't end up the same." I almost whisper, once he breaks away for air. "I- I can't take all of it again."
"I would never hurt you again. I promise, Piko."
Last day
The blade glimmers in the light, reflects the skin of my pale wrist. I twirl the knife in my hands, and look at my reflection in the mirror. Piko Utatane. Who are you anymore? I wish I knew. I sigh, frustrated, tired, scared even, and close the blade. I slip it into my back pocket and leave the bathroom, nearly running into Gakupo as I do.
He smiles, hesitantly, and holds his hand out to me. Like he's afraid I'll bite him. I just smile back and take his hand in mine as we begin towards English class.