Breaking the Barriers

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe
...Nothing's going to change my world

- The Beatles, Across the Universe.

"Mr. Mosby? This is the New York Police Department. We're calling in regards to Mr. Stinson... he's been found."

Barney. Missing. Police. Hurt. Dead.

The words whipped past Ted's thoughts in a blind flurry and deafened him to the rest of the conversation. He could feel his own heart pounding in his chest, driving the pulsating sound into his ear. Barney was not on a top secret business trip. Barney was not having a week long sex orgy at some tropical island. Barney was not being awesome. Barney was less than awesome... he may not even be alive.

"Mr. Mosby?"

Hearing his own name interrupted the panicked thoughts.

"Is... is he okay?" Ted managed to stammer out.

A pause, one that too readily answered Ted's question.

"He's alive. They found him in New Jersey. He's at a hospital there, the address is-"

Ted quickly took down the address before hanging up. Grabbing his wallet and the nearest coat, he raced out the door, fingers speed dialing Marshall.

Barney had been missing for a week. Last time they had seen him, he had just finished talking on his mobile, his face pale white, features appearing spooked as if he had just seen a ghost.

"What's up?" Ted had asked, expecting some sort of crazy story, possibly concerning bimbos making a pact to stay virgins until marriage or something of the sort (this WAS Barney).

"Nnn.. nothing," Barney had stammered instead, before visibly masking his expression and straightening his posture. "Important international business. Anyhow, gotta go amigos," he bid farewell before exiting the entrance in a hurry.

That had been last Friday, and they hadn't heard from him since. From that night to Sunday they hadn't really noticed, it wasn't unusual for Barney to disappear for a couple of days. By Monday they had become suspicious, as Marshall hadn't seen him at work and his phone wasn't picking up. On Tuesday, Marshall had confirmed Barney was not at work and that his secretary had no idea where he was, meaning he wasn't on any usual business trips (highly classified ones though, were fair game). By Wednesday, Barney's panic stricken expression was deeply etched into Ted's mind and they had decided to report his disappearance to the police. Now, two long stressful worrisome days filled with nightmares of his friend lying dead besides a gutter later, they had found him.

The four of them quickly met up and shared a cab to New Jersey. It felt like one of the longest rides Ted had ever been on. Last time he had gotten a similar call concerning Barney, it was only less than 100m from his room to the emergency department. This time it was a two hour ride. The four friends kept silent, no one quite knowing what to say. A few times someone would try to diffuse the tense atmosphere, but aside from a few grunts and clearing of the throat, no one managed to form a single word. Ted leapt off the cab almost as soon as it stopped, leaving the others to sort out the fee. Racing through the door of the main building, he almost slammed himself into the receptionist's desk.

"I'm here about Barney Stinson? I'm Ted Mosby."

The receptionist looked up at him in surprise, before pointing him over to a nearby police officer. The others had also made their way in by that time, and the four of them hurried over to approach the officer.

"Ted Mosby?" the officer asked as soon as he saw them.

Ted nodded, quickening his pace.

"How is he? How's Barney?"

"He's currently in surgery. He was found by a couple on the side of a highway leading in from the woods. He... was in pretty bad shape. The doctors will let us know more when they can."

Ted nodded, a numb ache seeming to paralyze his senses. Semi-consciously, he could feel Lily dragging him to a nearby chair and sitting him down. He could feel Marshall beside him, rubbing his back, Marshall's own tremor wrecked hand vibrating through his shirt and skin. His mind only had one thought. Please let Barney be fine. Please let Barney be okay.

And so, they waited.

An eternity seemed to have passed before a doctor approached them, eyes red from exhaustion, a grimace on his face. "Barney Stinson?" he inquired of them, and they all stood up at once to greet him.

"Yes, I'm Ted Mosby, his emergency contact," Ted quickly announced, "and these are-"

"We're his family," Robin cut in, "How's Barney?"

The doctor paused, studying them briefly before looking down onto a chart in his hand.

"Mr Stinson's surgery went well, and he's been placed in the ICU for close monitoring until his vitals stabilize. We were forced to remove his spleen as it was irreparably damaged. He had been bleeding internally and was suffering from shock when he was brought in. Added on to dehydration, we had to give him a blood transfusion to stabilize his blood pressure. We're currently closely monitoring his fluids and trying to bring his blood pressure back to the normal ranges. He also had several broken ribs, so we've put him on a ventilator to help him breathe. His left arm was extensively damaged, with a dislocation at the elbow and numerous fractures to his forearm. We repaired the joint and set the bones back in place, and we're hopeful with physiotherapy, his arm will eventually regain full function."

The doctor paused as Ted's stomach did a flip flop and he felt his legs turning to jelly. His hand reached out to the nearby wall to support himself as the doctor continued.

"Extensive lacerations and bruising were found on over 60% of his body, and especially on his back. Many of the wounds have been infected and he is running a fever. We've currently put him on a strong broad spectrum antibiotic to fight off the infection. We were unable to close all of the wounds due to infection as well as the extensive width of some, so we'll be monitoring them closely before deciding on the next step. Some should be able to be stitched up once the infection clears. Others we'll need to see if healing commences by itself, or whether grafting will be required. Either way, it's too premature to know at this point in time. We also found several small burns, possibly from a cigarette, on some rather sensitive parts of his body, including the back of his knees and inner thighs, as well as several deep cuts on the soles of his feet. We've treated those as best as we can and they should heal with time." The doctor stopped again as he flipped the page on Barney's chart.

"Is...is that all?" Marshall stammered, voice wavering.

The doctor nodded. "He also has a mild concussion but that should clear up without intervention. We're unable to monitor his mental function until he wakes up. However, because of the blood loss and shock we are unable to administer any morphine at this point in time, so it is best to keep him sedated for now. Once his blood pressure is back to normal then we can see about slowly waking him up," he finished.

Ted felt the room around him zone out, as if he had physically drifted away outside of himself. All he could think of in this moment was that this could not be real. This person the doctor was describing could not be Barney. His heart refused to believe this was Barney. And yet, his mind kept reminding him otherwise. Beside him, he was vaguely aware of Lily sobbing, and Marshall retching into a nearby bin. Robin's shaky voice broke him back into reality.

"When can we see him?"

Tubes. There were too many tubes. That was Ted's first thought upon entering the room where he was told his friend ("best friend" a familiar voice echoed in his mind) was laying, suffering, fighting for his life. They had been given permission to visit, just briefly, one at a time, by the head nurse at the ICU. Ted had been elected to be first in to see Barney by default, though he did catch a brief challenging stare from Robin as Lily pushed him towards the door. Now, he found himself almost regretting the privilege as he took in the cold surroundings, the only sign of life being the steady beeping of the heart monitor. No, he reprimanded himself, he couldn't be selfish like this. Barney needed him right now, he needed him to be there. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to calm the nervous fluttering that had taken hold of his stomach, Ted finally summoned up the courage to take a proper look at his friend. Barney was pale... not just pale, so pale that Ted felt he was just one thin layer away from seeing right through his skin. His short blonde hair usually so immaculately styled up was flopping softly onto his forehead, which had a large bandage taped on the side, dark bruising peeking past the edges. Barney's eyes were taped shut, and Ted could see a tube going down Barney's mouth, breathing for him. Ted shuddered slightly at the thought that a machine was currently breathing for his friend. Scanning downwards, various tubes and wires were going in and out from under the sheet that Barney had been covered in. Ted could see one inserted just beneath his collarbone, peeking over the sheet. The other parts of Barney's body not covered by the sheet were covered in various white dressings and bandages. All of them injuries... not one inch spared, Ted thought to himself, fighting the rising lump in his throat. Slowly, he walked closer towards the bed until he was standing right above Barney, could make out the bruise high on his cheekbone, the split lip closing around the ventilator, and what Ted would swear was a tear stain on the side of his face. Ted could feel the tears rising to his eyes, and he took a deep breath to hold them back. Reaching out, he pushed the sheet back a little, exposing Barney's arm, the unbroken one, yet still swathed in bandages from his elbow down. He could make out the IV line, flowing medication and fluids into Barney's broken body through a thick catheter inserted into his vein. Gently, Ted reached for his friend's hand, encasing his own warm fingers around Barney's much too cold ones. It was then that he saw it, a couple of missing nails on Barney's usually perfectly manicured hand. Without letting go, Ted cried.

Ted sat numbly on the cold hard bench outside Barney's room. Marshall was a blubbering wreck beside him, having just recently come out from seeing Barney. Lily held onto Marshall from the other side, tears staining her cheeks, but somehow summoning up the mental strength to comfort Marshall. Robin had been the last one to see Barney. It was almost as if she was trying to take the next important spot after Ted had taken the first. She was expressionless as she walked out now, though her red eyes betrayed her composure. She was just like Barney in so many ways, both being ones to put on a strong facade, holding up a smile to the world when they were breaking inside. Ted wondered for just how long Barney held up that smile, that metal exterior of awesomeness and indifference in the past week, going through whatever it was that would've led him to look the way he did now. Suddenly feeling a wave of nausea, he reached out to Robin who had seated herself on the other side of him. The physical contact caused her to look over to him, haunted eyes staring directly into his own.

"He's going to pull through... it's Barney," he heard his own voice speak out, unsure if it was meant to reassure Robin or himself. She continued to look directly into him, then suddenly turned away, letting his words disappear into the piercing silence.

They stayed overnight at the hospital, dozing off on the cold plastic benches outside the ICU, mindful of every noise and commotion and fearing each time that it was Barney. In the morning Barney was able to be moved into a regular room where they could stay with him. His blood pressure had risen back to the normal ranges and the doctors were starting to wean him off the sedatives. The ventilator and eye tape had also been removed and Ted sighed in relief to see his friend looking much more alive than yesterday. Barney's cheeks were now flushed red, a sign of fever, certainly not a healthy sign, but yet a definite improvement from yesterday's grey pallor. Occasionally he would show signs of waking, slight flickers under his closed eyelids, or a curling of his fingers. Once or twice they caught Barney's eyes opening slightly, but they always closed again as his body drowned back into unconsciousness. It was around midday when Barney finally woke up. The four of them had been sitting vigilant at his bedside the whole morning, waiting, watching every movement in hope. Ted had just been about to ask the nurse, who had came in to check Barney's temperature, how much longer it was expected to take for Barney to sleep off the drugs when he stirred again. This time his eyes opened fully, bright blue orbs scanning his surroundings in confusion. All four of them were on their feet at once, surrounding him.

"I'll go get the doctor," the nurse informed them, dashing out the room. Ted gently touched Barney's shoulder, mindful of his injuries.

"Barney?" Ted asked cautiously, trying to catch the man's attention. Barney's eyes locked onto his for a moment, a bewildered expression crossing his features. Then he looked away again, eyes continuing to dart wildly around the room, wide with fear.

"Barney, it's okay, you're in the hospital, you're safe now," Ted reassured him, biting back his tears.

"Hurts...sorry..." Barney croaked painfully, tears beginning to form at the corner of his eyes, voice hoarse from underuse and trauma. Ted was struggling to find the right words to respond with when the doctor arrived. Ted moved aside slightly to make way, but kept his hand on Barney's shoulder.

"Mr. Stinson, can you tell me your name?" the doctor prompted Barney, shining a pen light into his eyes and making more tears stream down his cheeks as he tried to turn his head away.

"Mr Stinson?" the doctor asked again when Barney didn't respond.

"I think he's in pain," Ted offered, gently squeezing his friend's shoulder. On the other side he could see Lily softly stroking Barney's fingers with her thumb as she held on to him.

"Okay then, Mr. Stinson," the doctor responded, grabbing a control amidst the tubes and wires and pressing the button before placing it into Barney's hand. "If you feel pain, just keep pressing the button. We'll try again later when hopefully you'll be feeling a bit better."

"He's going to be a bit drowsy for now, just let him rest," he told the rest of them. "We'll keep adjusting his medication accordingly and hopefully will in time work out the right combination to keep him relatively comfortable and awake. Call me again when he wakes up and I'll try the mental assessment again. Otherwise, he looks like he's making good progress for now," he finished before walking out.

Barney blinked heavily at them a few more times before his eyes flickered shut once more. Beside him, Ted heard Lily whisper out the question at the edge of everyone's lips.

"What happened to you Barney?"

Barney woke a few more times over the next couple of hours, each time the nurses rushing in to make the necessary notes and adjustments to his medication whilst the doctor attempted to prompt more conversation out of him. However, he remained unresponsive, as though lost in his own haze of pain and suffering. The group themselves had tried to talk to him as well, but aside from locking his pained and tear-filled eyes with theirs to acknowledge their presence, he didn't utter a single word. They had just been discussing who to send to fetch dinner when Barney awoke again, eliciting a single sob which caught their attention.

"I'll get the doc," Marshall said, running out of the room.

"Hey Barney, feeling better?" Lily asked him, rising to stand at his side and taking his hand into hers. Ted and Robin turned their focus accordingly and went to stand by the bed, too.

Barney looked around wildly in terror again, almost as if he was expecting something or someone awful to be there. However, after scanning the room a few rounds, he finally settled on silently starring at them with watery eyes instead. A breathless Marshall returned moments later, doctor and nurse in tow.

"Mr. Stinson, you seem to be feeling better," the doctor said to Barney as he made his way over, once again shining his penlight into the latter's eyes and making him whimper in the process.

"Alright, I'm sorry," he apologized, turning it off as Barney turned his head away from the doctor as far as his neck would allow to face Ted instead.

"Now can you tell me your name?" the doctor asked. Barney remained silent, pouting miserably as he stared at Ted instead.

"How about your address?" the doctor prompted again. Still no response. The four friends exchanged worried glances with the doctor before Ted bent himself down slightly to be on the same level as Barney, locking his eyes on his own.

"Hey buddy, you don't need to be scared, you're safe now," he reassured him, smiling at him gently. "Do you know my name?" he asked now, praying to any God out there that Barney would remember. Barney's eyes shifted over to look at the doctor, before returning to Ted.

"Ted," he answered, barely above a whisper.

"That's great buddy!" Ted smiled in relief. "How about them?" he asked again, this time pointing to Lily, Marshall and Robin. Barney responded accordingly, looking at each one of them as he whispered their names before returning his focus to Ted. Ted looked over at the doctor and nodded, indicating that Barney had gotten each of them correct.

"How about your own name? Do you know what your own name is?" the doctor asked now, waiting patiently for Barney to respond. Barney looked at Ted questioningly, as if seeking permission or reassurance, Ted wasn't sure, but he nodded at Barney in encouragement.

"Barney... Barney Stinson," he now answered the doctor, finally turning his head away from Ted to face him.

"Well how are we Mr. Barney Stinson?" the doctor smiled, "What about your address? Where do you live?"

This time, Barney answered back straight away, giving the doctor the address to his apartment. The doctor nodded again, smiling at the positive sign.

"Okay Barney, I'm going to let you rest now," he told him before turning to Ted. "Can I speak with you outside?" Ted nodded, following the doctor out the door.

"Is he okay?" Ted asked the doctor as soon as the door was shut. "It's just not like him to be like this... I mean, last time he was hit by a bus and broke nearly all the bones in his body, and he was still a running commentary when he came to. I guess he's scared... but..."

"So it's not normal for him to be shy or apprehensive?" the doctor asked him. Ted shook his head, no. Barney was definitely not usually a shy or apprehensive person. On the contrary, quite the opposite.

"Well, it seems he has probably been somewhat affected psychologically judging by his responses today, especially if, as you say, it's not usual for him to be like this. From the state in which he was found, we can tell he's been through some unspeakable trauma, and everyone responds to trauma differently, so some apprehension is to be expected. For now I can see that his comprehension and long term memory seems intact, which is good news, but we won't be able to get a thorough analysis of his mental state until we find out what actually happened to him. I'll have a psychologist evaluate him tomorrow morning so we best understand his needs emotionally."

Ted nodded in agreement. "The police... they want to interview him I think..."

"See if they can postpone it until after the psychological evaluation," the doctor recommended. "The best thing for him right now is to rest up and feel supported. Try not to bring up anything provoking or emotionally stressful for him. The psychologist will do that with him tomorrow, so there's no need for that now. He'll probably sleep through the rest of today as his body is recovering, and he's still running a slight fever, so just let him rest."

Ted thanked the doctor and bid him farewell before re-entering Barney's room. The nurse was still there, looking at various machines and equipment and making notes on Barney's chart. Lily was stroking Barney's hair and whispering what Ted assumed were words of comfort to him, as the latter continued to stare around the room, every now and again flicking his gaze shyly towards the nurse before quickly looking away again. His eyes caught Ted's as Ted made his way over and he whimpered softly in a gesture to get Ted's attention.

"What is it Barney?" Ted bent over to ask him, turning his ear towards Barney when he opened his mouth to respond.

"I...I need to pee..."

Ted smiled. "I think the nice nurse can help you with that one buddy," he told Barney, before alerting the nurse to Barney's 'problem'.

"Mr. Stinson has a catheter in place," she told them in a no nonsense tone, "you only feel like you have to urinate, but you don't," she said to Barney. Barney's face fell and he frowned miserably.

"No, don't want," he told her, looking over to Ted for help.

"Sorry Mr. Stinson, unless the doctor states otherwise, it is staying in," she informed him.

"No..." he whinged again, "please?" he begged, sniffling dramatically this time and pulling his arm away as she tried to access his IV port.

"Mr. Stinson, it is staying in. Now please," she scolded him, causing Barney to timidly extend his arm back out to her.

"Poor buddy, it's okay, I understand, catheters are nasty stuff aren't they," Ted commiserated as Barney sniffed indignantly at the nurse.

"Mmmhmm, how dare they treat Barnacle Jr like that," Marshall agreed, patting Barney reassuringly on his cast. The nurse tutted sternly at them, making one last note on his chart before leaving them. Ted and Marshall burst into some much needed giggles as she left, and the girls rolled their eyes at the two, though smiling.

"Oh Barney, it's okay, they'll take it out soon enough," Lily reassured him, giving him a kiss of comfort on his cheek. Barney sniffed unhappily a couple more times before exhaustion took over and lulled him to sleep once more.

The psychologist came early the next morning as promised. They had debated renting a nearby hotel room to stay at overnight, but had given up once they realized that none of them wanted to leave the hospital. In the end, the nurse put up a single makeshift bed for them to share in Barney's room and they took turns dozing on the bed. Now they all sat wearily outside whilst the psychologist was examining Barney, worry and concern on everyone's mind. In the moments when Barney had been lucid enough to respond to them they had confirmed amongst themselves that he definitely had his memory intact, and his intelligence didn't seem to have been affected. He certainly seemed to understand and comprehend all the medical terms the nurses and doctors had used when conversing with him. However, something was definitely amiss. It wasn't only that he didn't speak as much as Barney normally would, or that he hadn't made any dirty jokes since he had woken up – those kinds of reactions could be attributed to the sensitivity of having gone through whatever horrors had led him to be found in such a condition. But it was his expressions that were the most haunting... he looked so... frightened... so innocent...and so open. Almost too open, as if someone had broken down every wall, every practiced expression Barney Stinson had built up over the years and left him a blank piece of paper, his mind perfectly on display for everyone to see. And that... was just so not Barney Stinson.

The sound of Barney's door opening drew their attention and they all stood up as the psychologist approached them. Ted felt Robin's hand clinging onto his elbow for support and he drew her closer, readying himself for the results. Somehow, this felt like seeing Barney's doctor for the first time after he had been found all over again.

"Mr. Mosby?" Ted nodded.

"I've just finished assessing Barney Stinson." Ted nodded again as the psychologist paused, heart thumping much too quickly against own his ribcage. "The good news is that his memory is intact, and his intelligence doesn't seem to have been affected, which is great. It indicates that physically, there is no structural damage from the concussion. However..." the psychologist paused again, and Ted felt his heart speed up, if that was even possible. "However, when a person faces extreme and traumatic situations... their minds can revoke different reactions in order to cope with the stress. One particular reaction is for the mind to bring itself back to an associative traumatic event, and the mental status is altered to be the same as it was during the initial trauma."

Ted held his breath.

"What does that mean?" Robin asked, unable to process the jargon and impatient for the truth.

"Mr. Stinson has regressed. He currently has the mind of a child."

They filed solemnly into the room, all eyes fixated on the figure sitting timidly on the bed, hands tugging and fidgeting with the blanket covering him, as if a haunting reminder of the psychologist's words... the very words that had broken their world, cut deep into their hearts and told them that nothing was going to be the same again... at least not for a while.

"His mind is around that of someone four to five years old. Although his intelligence is intact, his mind cannot process thoughts like an adult, cannot process emotions like an adult."

He stared at them now, curiously, apprehensively... fearfully?

"He does not remember anything from the past week, it seems his mind has thoroughly repressed those memories to protect itself, but he remembers everything before that, his childhood, his adult life... He will probably sense that something is different from before, but he won't be able to understand how or why it's different... and with the mind of a child, he doesn't have the control his adult self has in reaction to certain situations."

The silence consumed the room, no one knowing what to say... the silence was loud, deafening...

"Regression can be a sign of an earlier trauma that was never resolved. It may or may not be related to the current trauma... but the severity of Mr. Stinson's regression suggests there may be a large chance his recent trauma is related to whatever happened to him in the past."

"So... like Revertigo? ...That's when if you're around someone in your past, you start acting like you were at that time."

"Perhaps... except whatever he's faced, it has been so severe that his mind is unable to snap out of that mindset even after the event."

Several times, someone cleared their throat, attempting to crack the all-consuming silence, but no one knew what to say.

"Will he ever get better?"

"Maybe... it is different with every case."

"How long? If he gets better... becomes Barney again... normal Barney, how long does it take?"

"Could be a week, could be ten years..."

Finally it was Barney that broke the silence, a small heartbreaking voice that sounded nothing like their over-confident friend who had convinced the world and himself that he was awesome...

"I'm sorry."

Lily was the first to react. Gently she reached out to cradle his face in her palm.

"What for?" she asked him, looking deep into his deep blue orbs only to find an all too real sadness reflecting back at her. He shrugged slowly, eyes darting around, lips opening and closing as if trying to process thoughts into words, but somehow unable to.

"I'm sorry," he said again, this time a tear making its way out of the corner one eye, "...please don't leave."

Lily pulled him into her embrace, careful not to hurt him.

"We're here for you, I promise..." She glanced at the rest of the group, her husband, her best friends... "all of us."