The Dreaded Day
Do you ever put something off until you can't anymore? On May 10th of 2003 I was forced to stop putting off and when I did it hit like a ton of bricks.
That morning I woke up to the sound of my mom talking to my Auntie Felicia. I wasn't ready for the day to happen, I just wanted to turn the clock back and not face reality. I kissed my mom good morning putting of my tan/brown glasses and getting out of bed. The curtains and blinds were open which was unusual and it was a very bright and sunny day. I remember looking at the mirror and into my eyes they seemed sadden. In record time with a house full of relatives I took a shower and left with my mom to go get two of my braids redone.
When we got back home it was almost time to leave and my Auntie Nisey was no where to be found. Mom really didn't care but Granddaddy did so she was being a good sport for him. I was wondering how she could be late for her own mother's funeral. I was especially quite that day and I didn't know why; maybe it was because I had all of those people around and couldn't remember all of their names or maybe it was because I had to face the fact that my Na'ne was really gone. So many thoughts whirled through my head as I played with my little cousin Angelina; she was so innocent and sweet and no clue of what was going on.
Five minutes before we left my Auntie finally got there and we loaded into the limo. Granddaddy, Aunt Annie, Uncle Nae, Auntie Nisey, Bri, Mommy, and I all were in the first and I really didn't pay attention to who got into the other limo. I looked out of the window seeing all the cars parked on the grass, down the street, in the driveway and all the people getting into them. They were my family, my very large family. I mean seriously lets face it, when your grandmother has 11 other siblings and all of them put together have 76 kids you're assured to have a large family to say the least. It didn't bother me being around some of them but then there were "those" people who I couldn't stand. The funny acting ones, the ones would ask me how I was feeling, if I was hungry, if I remember them, how was school going, playing with my jewelry, fixing my hair and dress and just getting on my last nerves. Those were the ones I was glad to be anyway from for the moment. I answered questions my Aunt Annie asked but most of the ride was spent chatting with my cousin Bri and looking at the little things I'd never really paid attention as we rode to the church.
Once we got to the church I looked around. So many people were there and most of them were on Na'ne's side of the family. The family was wearing something that had gold in it since that was her favorite color and my idea to do so. I said a few hello's before lining up. It started with Granddaddy, me and Mommy at the head, in that order from left to right. Then behind us was Aunt Libby and Uncle Eddie and then it went of on to the others. As we walked through the doors the first thing that caught my attention was the music, not all the people there or even the casket that held my Na'ne's body, but the music. It was slow and sad, and it was something Mommy didn't want .All that time I was thinking "Itza don't cry. Itza you have to be strong." By the time I was done scanning the area and looking at the carpet on the floor I was at the casket. I looked up at her to see this person I loved so much laying there. She looked so peaceful as if she were sleeping. I put the angel I had got her for Christmas one year and let out a heart breaking, crying scream. My knees bucked and I used the support of Mommy and Granddaddy to stand up. She was gone, she was really gone. My hearth ached, my soul was hurting, a piece of me was missing and I couldn't find it. It was like a puzzle piece that I'd lost but it wasn't coming back. I got to my sit and buried my face in Granddaddy's arms sobbing uncontrollably. It was worse then I when I found out she'd died. From time to time I'd look up to see who was saying goodbye and all those tears just made me cry at little harder. The last person to see the body was my God mom Lisa and God sister Danielle. I was the only person to watch them close the casket in the first row. Mommy had looked away, Granddaddy was looking at me and everyone else was crying.
We laughed, we cried, we sang, danced, listened to stories and just celebrated this incredible woman's life. The oldest grandchild, Demi, read a poem Mommy picked out, tears got him just a little but it was all good. I'd read over and over again but when he read it the stuck in my head. "O Lord, I have lived this day to bury one I love. My gratitude is as full as my grief, and my peace is as deep as my pain-all because of you. I need you as never before. Shepherd my soul through these dry and heavy days. You send us to this earth for a season and then you receive us again unto yourself. I understand this cycle, but I wasn't quite as ready to let go of this one as I thought I'd be. All my life I've known that someday this would happen, but the finality and reality of it are piercing. One thing I know, that death cannot kill love and human hands can't bury it. On this, my loved one's resurrection day, I give you praise for a life lived well." When it was all over I felt a little better. I had at least 10 tissues in my hand. I went to the restroom for the second time since I'd been at the church. This time I wanted to be near Mommy before it was because all that crying made me want to pee and I couldn't see out of my glasses. Soon we were all directed to our cars and I had a feeling something was going to happen.
When I got back into the limo I had the window seat this time and Bri was facing me and I just started crying, not heavily but it was a soft cry and she said "Itza stop crying, it's not going to help." As soon as she said that I got this rage to just want to beat the crap out of her. She hadn't gone through what I had for the past year. She hadn't seen our Na'ne go from being this strong, caring, independent woman to someone who was more helpless than an infant and could only blink and grunt, I had! She hadn't been uprooted from her other family and friends because her aunt was too selfish to help take care of her mother, I was! Crying may not have helped her but it sure as hell helped me because I hadn't cried since May 5th, so she didn't get to tell me how to feel! I took all of the rage and tore the tissues up and played with my purse ignoring the little twit, knowing Na'ne wouldn't want us to fight. Deep down she'd said that because she knew I was the favorite.
It took 10 minutes at the most to get to the cemetery. After walking up that steep hill I was glad to be sitting. When it was all over a grabbed a rose and hugged my Aunt Libby tightly because she was one of the people I wanted to be around, she was like another Na'ne. As we walked back to the limo Granddaddy told Mommy that none of his sister in laws spoke to him. Mommy was fuming. All that Granddaddy had done taking care of her and still putting up with them. Mommy wanted to push them don't the hill and let them roll. She said that they'd probably break. She found my Aunt Cora, who's Granddaddy's only sister and told her what was going on. The told had a few choice words for the "others", so to say. Some of the cousins were funny acting and didn't want to speak which was a shame. It was suppose to be a time that we all pulled together but because Mommy didn't let them take charge they got pissed off. Mom got back into the vehicle before Granddaddy did and ripped into Aunt Annie good and I held back laughter. You can always count on Mommy to lose her temper went you need a laugh.
At the repast Mommy keep her distance from her aunts and most of their children, and especially from her sister. They don't have the best relationship to say the least and that's the biggest understatement of the year. I said close to Mommy as she counted the people in the room. Most of them had left since Sunday was Mother's Day. There was a little of under 400 people there and about two thirds of them were family. After that I spend time with cousins my age and God siblings once I changed. Auntie Nisey left early but I don't know why.
Once we got home Auntie Nisey was outside waiting to get inside since she didn't have a key. Lots of people went back to their hotels to change and some came back to the house. It was about 5 o'clock and very beautiful. I nice breeze swept past us and the sun made everything glisten. For some reason I stood outside taking in my surroundings. The big brick house I'd spend most of my life. Tennessee was my home way from home and that would never change.
Soon everyone left and my God Mommy Michelle and God siblings spent the night. The boys slept down stairs, and our mom's in Mommy's room. Bria, my God sister and I slept in the living room. We stayed up most of the night talking, eating, and watching television. The house was so quite and peaceful for the first time since that Monday morning.
I laid my hand on a pillow and just listened, I'd always been a night owl; Mommy said it had something to do with me being born at 1 something in the morning. I remember the past year and cried a little not wanting to wake up Bri. I wiped my eyes when Mommy came in and wished her happy Mother's Day. I'd made it through this dreaded day but, knew from that day I'd have a long rode to being Itza again and that I'd never be a same as a piece of me was gone.