every human love

the heart keeps widening for change
hourglass, sleeping at last

'I can't believe Raff's getting bloody married.'

She looked from her reflection in the mirror to Caroline, sitting on the side by the basin. She shook her head and switched the tap off.

'He is already a dad,' Caroline noted, adjusting her handbag on her lap.

'Bloody hell,' Gillian muttered again, leaning on the side and turning to face her. 'I know I've had ages to get used to this but...' She shook her head again. 'He's eighteen. He's too young.'

'He's your boy. He's always going to be too young,' Caroline said, looking over her shoulder into the mirror and checking her makeup. 'You got married at eighteen, didn't you?' Gillian stared at Caroline in the mirror, their gazes meeting. 'You and Raff are pretty similar, though, aren't you? Though he's marrying the girl he got pregnant. You married his brother.'

'Look, Caroline-'

'Sorry. Was that a bit harsh?' Caroline winced and Gillian shrugged.

'It's the truth, I guess. Though it probably didn't quite need to be brought up right now.' She turned away from Caroline and began to rifle through her handbag. She pulled out her lippy and took in her appearance in the mirror. 'Anyway, where's Flora?' she said, winding the lipstick up. 'I thought you would have brought her.'

'Greg offered to take her. So I could let my hair down, according to him.' Caroline kicked her heels against the basin, shrugging. 'Maybe I should have brought her. Though she is teething...'

'Yeah, no, leaving her at home was a good decision.' Gillian dropped the lipstick back into her handbag and glanced at her watch. 'Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit.' She pulled her bag off the side and moved past a frowning Caroline. 'The service starts in five minutes,' she called over her shoulder as she pushed the door open. 'We've spent too long in the bloody loos, Caroline. They're going to wondering where we've disappeared to.'

She could hear the smile in Caroline's voice as she replied. 'It's usually the bride who's allowed to be fashionably late - not the groom's mother.'

She heard a thump as Caroline slipped off the side, chuckling to herself.

'This isn't funny, Caroline,' Gillian snapped, holding the door for her. 'Hopefully this will be the only time Raff gets married. I can't miss it.'

'No,' Caroline said, trying to keep a straight face. 'Lead the way then.'

They hurried through the rabbit warren corridors, Caroline still laughing to herself, and Gillian with a grim, set, smile on her face. She sped up when she saw the doors through the register office, hoping that they had made it before Ellie, but bracing herself to push the doors open and interrupt the beginning of the service.

'Breathe, Gillian,' Caroline said as she reached the doors.

'Don't tell me to bloody breathe, Caroline,' she said through gritted teeth. She pushed the door open and felt sweet relief rush over her as she heard the soft hum of small talk. She could see Raff and Robbie at the end of the aisle, pacing and started walking a little faster, looking down at her shoes.

'Look, we haven't missed anything,' Caroline pointed out but Gillian just flashed her a dark look, and she didn't add any more.

Robbie was the first to spot them, as they approached. 'Where have you been?' he asked. 'Raff's been going out of his mind.'

'Yeah,' Raff chimed in. 'It's not every day your only son gets married,' he said, pointedly, as they slipped into the pew. Her dad and Celia were talking quietly, Calamity on her dad's lap, clearly not having realised anything was amiss.

'Oh, hello, Gillian, Caroline,' her dad said as she settled on the bench next to Caroline. 'We've been having a wonderful time with little Calamity,' he added, jiggling his knee so that the baby giggled and Gillian smiled.

There was a bang at the back of the hall and all the heads in the room turned to look as the doors swung open and Ellie appeared, on the arm of her father, a man Gillian had only met once or twice. She thought he was far too arrogant for his own good, but right then, it didn't really matter and her face broke apart in a grin. Ellie looked beautiful in her dress, and Gillian was overwhelmed with emotion. She liked Ellie, she really did, but the most important thing was that she was certain Raff loved her. And that was all that mattered. She turned to look at her son, beaming at the end of the aisle, and her smile got even bigger.

Robbie was sitting next to her and as he went to stand, she reached out and grabbed his hand. He stopped and turned to look at her. She mouthed sorry at him and gave him a small smile. He just shook his head, his eyes crinkling, in the way she knew meant that she wasn't to worry about it and then he squeezed her hand and stood up.

She looked down at her hands. She felt an elbow in her ribs and snapped up to find Caroline grinning at her.

'Show time.'

...

People were milling around, and there was the gentle rumble of talk buzzing around the room. She had managed to position herself so she could keep an eye on Raff, sitting at a table next to Ellie, Calamity on his lap, chatting amiably to a crowd Gillian didn't recognise.

She took a sip of her wine. She had found the whole day strange. Raff was still her little boy, he shouldn't be getting married - and yet, here they were. And Caroline was right, he was already a dad, and anyway, she'd been the same age when she'd married Eddie. Though, that was no mark to measure from, was it?

But this was different. They were getting married for themselves; she'd married Eddie to stick two fingers up at her parents and Robbie. Raff had a much better chance of a happy life with Ellie, and she was sure he would be happy, she could see it already, in his smile, lighting up his eyes.

'I think I might go home.' Caroline was sitting opposite her and Gillian turned away from her son to look at her. 'See how Flora and Greg are getting on.'

'Yeah, course.'

'I'll just go see Raff and Ellie before I go,' she said, pushing her chair out and standing up. 'Have a nice evening, Gillian. Don't mope too much.'

'It'll be your turn soon anyway. William and whatever-she's-called have been seeing each other long enough,' Gillian said, laughing.

'Oh no,' Caroline said. 'Definitely not.' Gillian laughed again.

'Anyway, see you around, then Caroline.'

'Yeah. See you.'

She watched as Caroline walked away, a wry smile on her face.

'What're you laughing about?' Robbie asked as she took a swig of her wine, slipping into a seat next to her.

'Nothing,' she said. 'They look happy, don't they?' she added, turning back to watch Raff.

'Yeah. Yeah they do.' She looked down at the table. 'You alright?'

She found it strange that Robbie always knew when she was trying to pretend she wasn't upset.

'Course,' she said, looking up at Robbie. 'It's just- you know. He's my boy.'

'I know.' Across the room, Raff laughed at something. 'I remember when Eddie called and said he'd been born. We hadn't spoken in, what, three years at that point. And he calls me up, to tell me. A boy; six pounds, seven ounces.' She was fiddling with the table decoration, but she looked up at that.

'I didn't know he called you.'

'I came to see you. In the hospital.'

She frowns. 'No you didn't. I would remember that.'

'You were out of it on the pain meds. Eddie whipped me in and out, five minutes max. But I saw him, introduced myself, ribbed Eddie for picking Rafael as a name.'

'Hey, don't make fun of it. He's grown into it I'd say.'

'Yeah,' Robbie said, wistfully.

'I didn't know you came.' She looked up at him and he shrugged.

'I'm glad I did.'

She smiled at him.

...

She was talking to Yvonne, but it was like pulling teeth. They'd never really seen eye-to-eye, and after a drink too many the other woman was obnoxiously loud. But now this woman was Raff's mother-in-law she had to make an effort, hence why she hadn't run for the hills when she'd come over.

'And, let me tell you,' she said, and Gillian faked an interested nod. 'Violet is a bitch. A right royal bitch.' She murmured something in assent, but thankfully, Yvonne was distracted by a passing waiter and wandered off, throwing a 'see you around,' over her shoulder as she went. Gillian sighed in relief as she watched the other woman stumble away.

'Mum?' She whipped around and saw Raff, with Ellie trailing behind him, holding Calamity, bounding towards her. 'I've been meaning to find you all evening.'

'Yes, love?'

'You'll never guess what?' Both he and Ellie were grinning like mad.

'What?' she said, frowning.

'Well, Caroline's booked us tickets for four days in Paris!'

'What?'

'Caroline's booked us-'

'No, I heard first time. She paid for you to go to Paris? For four days?'

Raff nodded enthusiastically. 'Yeah, I was really surprised, but she said she wanted to do something for us. Cause she knew we weren't going anywhere.'

'Bloody hell.' Gillian looked around for a moment, before realising Caroline had slipped away hours before without saying a word. Jammy so and so.

'So, can you and Robbie take Calamity for a little longer?'

She turned back to Raff and Ellie, still beaming. She reached out and squeezed Calamity's foot. 'Of course we can. We'll manage somehow.'

'Thanks so much, Mum,' Raff said, enveloping her in a hug.

'It's nothing, Raff,' she dismissed. 'Go, have some fun,' she ordered, smiling. She watched Ellie and Raff wander off, arms around each other. When they'd gone out of sight, she fought through the crowd until she got to the hall's emergency exit doors. One had already been propped open to try and cool the place down, and she slipped out into the refreshing air.

She pulled her phone out and scrolled down her contacts until she found Caroline. It rung for a good few minutes before it went to voicemail and she swore under her breath.

'Hey, Caroline,' she said. 'Raff just told me about what you've done. I don't know why you've... Oh, well, you've done it now.' She kicked her feet on the concrete. 'Thanks, yeah?'

She ended the message then and stuffed her phone back into the handbag. She was about to go back into the hall when Robbie came out the doors.

'What are you doing out here?'

'Trying to call Caroline.' Robbie frowned at her. She leaned into him and spoke quickly. 'She's paid for Raff and Ellie to go to Paris for four days.'

'What?' He looked as surprised as she had been when Raff had told her. 'What?'

'Yeah. Four days in Paris! Lucky beggars. I got a night in Halifax with Eddie.'

'Yeah, well, we had fun in Spain, didn't we?'

'Yeah. But Paris!'

...

It was dark by the time they got home.

'What's the point of a wedding if you can't get drunk?' Robbie grumbled as they rolled to stop.

'You're the copper. It's illegal to drink and drive, remember?' She swung the land rover door open and went round to the back and pulled the door to.

'You could have driven,' he suggested.

'You can't get drunk with a baby in the house.'

She heard him grumble some more as he walked up the garden path to the door. She detached Calamity from the car seat and walked up to the house. Robbie was already putting the kettle on.

'She's sound asleep,' Gillian whispered as she came into the kitchen. 'Where's the cot?'

'I'm not sure. Raff dropped it by earlier.'

She popped her head into the living room. 'It's in here.' She lay the baby into the cot, positioned awkwardly between the sofa and table, and slumped next to her.

After a few minutes, Robbie came in and sat next to her, placing two teas on the table.

'Thanks,' she said.

'I'm too old for this partying thing,' Robbie said, stretching out his back.

'Don't be too loud or you'll wake the baby.'

'Sorry,' Robbie said, leaning across her and ghosting a hand over Calamity's foot. 'I'd better say sorry to Granny, shouldn't I, Calamity?'

She hit him playfully on the arm. 'Don't call me Granny.'

'That's what you are; that's what she'll call you when she gets older.'

'Yeah, well, Granddad,' she replied, without thinking. Robbie fell silent after that. 'I'll ask Raff,' she said, suddenly. 'If you can be granddad. Because you are. You've been there more for Raff than Eddie ever was. And for me, too.'

Robbie slung an arm around her shoulder and she leant on his chest.

'Thanks.' He turned back to the baby. 'Did you hear that, Calamity? I'm going to be your granddad.' Gillian couldn't help but smile.

'You would have made a good dad, Robbie.'

'Yeah, well, it never fell that way, did it?'

She winced. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to-'

'There wasn't really anyone else. After you.' He gave her a wry smile. 'We've never talked about it, have we? Not really.'

She looked down at her lap.

'Our kid would be in his thirties now, Gillian.'

'I know. I know.'

'I'm not criticising you. I'm just saying.'

She looked at Calamity, fast asleep, still, in the cot.

'Would you have, you know, stuck by me, if I'd... If I hadn't... If I'd told you?'

It was a question which she'd wanted to know the answer to since she was fifteen, and her mother had vetoed any attempt to discuss telling Robbie about the baby.

'Of course I would. I loved you.' She looked down at her hands. 'You knew that, right?'

'Yeah, of course I did,' she mumbled.

'We would have made great parents, me and you,' he said, nudging her conspiratorially, smiling at her.

'Yeah,' she said, leaning forward and squeezing the sleeping Calamity's hand, unable to quite look at Robbie.

'I know you couldn't have kept it, Gillian.' She slowly turned to look at him.

'You do?' she said.

'I understand. You were fifteen.' He shrugged. 'At least I know why your mum hated me now.'

She laughed.

'Oh, she hated you alright.'

He laughed then.

'Thank you,' she said, giving him a weak smile.

'And I wouldn't have let you call him Rafael.'

She pushed him light-heartedly.

'Hey, I said don't make fun of it.'

...

a/n The title comes from Lullaby by W.H. Auden