I was walking around in my room, contemplating on what I should wear to the party. Black jeans and red shirt, be dark in innocent or bold and a loud shirt?I sat there on my bed thinking about it when my cell rings. It's my mom. "Hey.""Hey, what's up?" I asked her walking back in forth in my room. I turned my TV on absent mindedly. "Nothing, I'm on my way home; so how was your day?" she asked me. I thought about my day. It was simple. I had just woken up like an hour ago."Good so far. Hey, you mind if I go to my friend's party for New Year's?" my ex- boyfriend had invited me to go to one of his parties. I've didn't care. He and I were just friends, nothing more. So of course, I said yes. I got a shower, and got my clothes on. I went outside and played outside, had fun. Later that night, I got ready for the party. He called me.
"You ready?" he asked me. "Yeah, almost, meet me outside in like 20 minutes. Bye." I got the rest of my stuff [my coat, keys and cell and walked outside. I sat on the stairs and talked a bit with my best friend. He pulled up in his Nissan and we drove off. It was quiet for a bit. We had gone past at least 4 red lights. "So how are you doing? Are you getting your GED?" I had asked him. He looked out his side of the car. I had remembered only parts of our past. He had gotten into too much trouble in school. There was a shootout and he fled. Gangs made me shudder sometimes. I though it was pointless. Let's just say he had thought different. Since then he wanted to get a GED. They expelled him from the school. "I'm actually taking night courses now." He said mustering up some sense of dignity and pride. He decided to change the topic to me. "So how's school going for you?" I smiled a bit. I explained how my week went and how my grades were. "Oh, that's cool. But hey, that's school for you." He said chuckling. It sounded as if he forced it. He pulled into his driveway. Lights illuminated from the windows. "How many people are in there?" I asked. "You'll see. You'll have fun, promise."
I stepped out of the car and we walked into the door. As soon as I walked in, I smelled strong alcohol. I smiled. My mind thought of Hypnotiq and Vodka. He had moved the couch and made a dance floor. Spiked Punch and chips and nacho's and a stack of papa john's pizza were on a long table. I took off my coat and holding his hand we started dancing on the floor. I was sort of nervous a little bit. I didn't want to dance around a lot of people. Oh well. I sucked my neverousness up and I think I danced pretty well. It was about having a good time, right? I swung my hips on the floor and he danced behind me and started to grind on me. A couple of really good dance songs came on and I lost myself in it all. A couple of guys started dancing with us, forming a group. We were grinding, popping, shaking, and dropping it. I thought of a dancing culture in a book I read. They called dances a Sakkri. I spun one of happiness and release. My body was doing its own thing. I let myself dance all of it away. The pain, the hurt, the tears. All of it. I was a young man. I had my own life to live. Why bother feeling for choices in the past?
All of a sudden my head started to hurt. My body got hot. I sat down a bit. Damek came up to me and placed a hand on my forehead. "Are you okay?" he asked me with a sad expression on his face. "Yeah." I told him. I knew I was lying. There was only one person in the world I wouldn't ever lie to even if it hurt me doing it. He knows that. I walked outside to get some fresh air. He followed me. Even when we were dating he was like this. Protective. Caring. Loving. But he had too much baggage he carried. Things I couldn't even stand to think of. He came behind me and wrapped me in his arms. "I hope your okay…" he said. He took in my scent. And I, him. He smelled like cinnamon and rough days. I laughed in my head. "What are you talking about…?" I trailed off. I wasn't sure what all he meant. He turned me to him and we both sat in the edge of his stairs. "About us, look. I'm sorry about what happened before. I know I messed up with you. I know I did." I looked away out into the stars. I thought of things that happened recently. "Okay." I said simply. "I hear a but in that sentence."
I heard it in my heart more than my ears, "…I want us to start over." It was as simple as it got. He placed his hands on my leg and looked into my eyes. "I know I can't change the past. I know that. Look at me!" I couldn't stare into those green eyes that hurt me. I tried again. "But I, no we, can work on the future. But at least you can do his give me a chance. Give me that chance to prove I can make this work." I only longed for him. His touch. His lips. His body. His mind. His Soul. But someone else held my heart. I wasn't sure if I could let go. "I don't know. Listen, I'm not telling you no. You know I'd take you back. But…" I got up and walked down the path. "But what??!" he raised his hands.
"It's always something with you!!! Always!!!" he said outrages. I could only look at him in shock. "I have emotions too you know! I can't just quit loving someone just because you want me! I'm not a robot! Doing what you want how you want me too. Stop controlling me. That was what was wrong with you! And I tried dealing with it. I wanted you. I cared for you. But you hurt me too deep for it to happen again." It got cold so we got in the car. He started it and backed out. "I don't want to be here like this. Let's go somewhere quieter. I don't want any distractions." I just looked at him. I didn't feel a thing at the minute. We drove off under Selene's vibrant light.
Pulling into the park's parking lot, he turned off the car and let the heater on. I sat there and looked out across the field. A pair of soccer goals were up and the swings and monkey bars had droplets of water on them from the afternoon's rain.
"I don't know what to say. I fucked up really bad. And I'm sorry. But what else do you want me to say? 'Hey lets forget it all happened.'? I don't want you to forget. I want to show you I've changed. I'm a work in progress. You have to bear with me. Sorry." He looked through the windshield. "Okay. I understand what happened. I saw what happened. I'm not sure if I can make this work. Honestly I don't want to get hurt again. I'm done getting hurt, when is it going to be cared for. Or trusted. Or confided in??!" I ravaged at him. "I…" he trailed off. "You what? You what?" I yelled at him. All the pain and rage I had over him came out. "…love you." I stopped. I was about to get out the car but I decided not to. "Umm…wow." I was speechless.
"Wow? That's all you can say to that." I looked in his eyes. "It's not that I don't care about you…someone else has my heart…" he looked incredulous. "Someone has your heart? Who?" he was appalled now. The look in his face was so…hurt."No one, just someone." He gripped the stick shift. He drove manual cars. He liked to be in control. Go figure. "Are you going to tell me or not?" he started to get smart."Why do you even want to know anyway?" he looked it me in the sadist way possible. He grabbed both of my hands in his. "Because I care; are you blind or something? I feel like I'm not getting through to you. I. Love. You." tears started to roll down the sides of my face. Why did things happen when you don't want them too."I want you damn it. But it doesn't matter now…" turning to him, I wonder.
"I can't love you if you won't let me…I can't change you. I don't want to. I like you the way you are. No more or less." He leaned over the console. His hands held my face close to his. I could feel his warm breath on my neck. I leaned my head back. Falling into his clutch. I started to nip at his neck. He started to breath in pants. He slid his chair back and lower. He lifted me on top of him. Then I stopped. "I can't do this." I sat back in my seat. "Why? I'm here. In the flesh, mind, and soul. What more do you want from me?" I held my head in my hands. "It's not you." He started to reach for me. He started kissing on my neck again. "No. stop." He kept going. He started to lift up my shirt, rubbing on my nipples. I almost let him. Then I stopped.
"No. I can't do this. My heart doesn't belong to you. I'm not dating until I know what I want. I'm sorry." He pulled me and slammed me into the back seat. I tried to get up and he slammed me back down. He started undoing his belt. He had a possessed look on his face. Then minute I heard his zipper, I switched position and tried crawling struggled to the door.
He pulled me back by the back of my collar. I struggled with him. He slapped my back as hard as he could and knocked the air out of me. He started to pull down my pants. "Stop!" I had had enough. I smacked him as hard as I could in his face. I scrambled out of car, "Fuck you Damek!" I ran from the park as fast as I could. My heart was rapidly beating.
I sat outside my house. Tears poured down my face. I couldn't stop the flow. I didn't think I had this much tears, welled up in my heart. I cried for many things. I couldn't even remember the last time I cried this hard. I wiped my tears put up my guard and unlocked and walked into the house. My mom and dad were asleep. I went in my room. I didn't change my clothes or nothing. I just laid there. And cried myself to sleep.