Everything never said

And this was it, everything Berwald had never said. I should have known this moment was coming; maybe not right now, but I could always feel it in the air when his mood darkened because of me, because I was never the easiest person to live with but he'd never complained. He had tried to live with me, to make me happy. He had loved me. And I had let it all come to nothing. So I let him rage.

He's screaming about so many things from so many years and yet each point stabs at me just the way he knows it will, because we lived those moments together, Berwald leading and me being fucking dragged along like some under-loved puppy trying to gain back his master's attention. I hate him for that, I hate him for raising me to be some sort of perfect lover of his. Oh sure, I was a right foul bitch to live with. I would throw things at him and beat him furiously because I knew Berwald didn't have it in him to fight back against me. I knew he loved me and I used that to my advantage, teasing him when it suited me and abusing him the rest of the time.

Oh.

Right.

He had abused me and I had abused him and there's a war blowing shit up outside, each explosion rattling my body, and for whatever reason Berwald's decided to show up in the middle of this. To »assist» me was it? So far he's told me I look tired (no fuck genius), I look thin (because I was always such a fat little bastard wasn't I?), and that I need him.

Like hell I need him.

Berwald makes the mistake of pausing and now it's my turn because I'm done, I'm done sitting quietly, yelling in my head. Immediately Berwald steps back in disgust and confusion; I bet Lukas never questioned him like I always did, I bet Lukas never challenged him and vocalized all those fucking annoying qualities the damn Swede has, pointing each and every one out like I would.

I don't need you! I scream, I've never needed you! Were you happy when I left? No, you fucking weren't, you needed Lukas to fill that hole I left right? Did you fuck him, the way you always dreamed of fucking me? I bet you did, I bet he took it like the pussy he is and you're just as big of a whore for having him.

It's when I scream that I never loved Berwald that he breaks, sadness in his eyes. It's also my first lie of the evening, my only lie.

Ivan gave me space, Ivan gave me room, Ivan never tried to control me or make me something I wasn't. Ivan hadn't even made the first move, I had, and how's that Oxenstierna! Yeah I fucked him, what's it to you? You had your way with me, don't give me that look you bastard, I was only ever your plaything.

Then why did I leave? he screams which is a valid point, why did I leave if everything was so perfect with God-damn Braginski? I'm the one fighting him now, with guns and Molotov cocktails.

This isn't about Ivan, I spit at his feet, this is about Finland. You'd have realized that if you'd ever cared about something beyond your precious Sweden.

Maybe, Berwald concedes, maybe he never cared about »Finland» the way I always have but he cared about me damn it, because I'm more important than countries and victories and anything else! Because he loved me, he loves me damn it, and why was I always too big a fucker to just see that and accept it?

He collapses on the bunk, the metal springs creaking beneath him, and I stare at Berwald before making up my mind and falling down beside him. I watch his face with that beautiful nose and strong chin and his glasses that are dirty, ironic on a former Viking. I watch him sigh, his chest rising and falling, before I put my head on his chest to listen to his heart beat like I used to when I was small, or after the first time I gave myself over to him: it's racing in its prison.

I'm still mad at you I announce because I don't want him getting any ideas. I'm just tired and don't want to fight you right now, and an arm wraps around my back to hold me more comfortably against him.

There's a muttered something in accented Finnish, something akin to I understand Timo, and then we lay like that.

Still, I don't want his help. This is my fight, for independence that I can never have if Berwald Oxenstierna helps me win it. I'll fight my fight, and he can watch as I win without him.

He'll leave in the morning he murmurs and I nod against him, shifting as a blanket is pulled over us, toeing my shoes off. Sorry he whispers sheepishly, tonight wasn't suppose to be like this. He didn't mean to say those things that he let loose.

Yeah, I can imagine he'd planned this out very differently in his head.

He'd only meant to-

Berwald?

Ja?

Shut up and go to sleep.

Ok.

...

Berwald?

Ja?

I didn't mean it, when I said I never loved-

I know.

Ok.

My eyelids get heavy and I drift to sleep.