A/N: This is a repost. I do hope you enjoy it just slightly. And at the end of the story is a lovely little parody I wrote of Down in the Boondocks.
The Dark Lord's Last Revel
Disclaimers: The same as always… My only payment is a few really nice compliments and a jerk by the name of Anon telling me to keep my day job- I can't be bothered to get upset since he is probably correct. And, a big thanks to my rodent friend who tells me that she would rather shovel snow than be seen anywhere near WWW's.
Who could have guessed that Harry Potter would have such an easy time of defeating Tom Riddle a.k.a. Lord Voldemort aka The Dark Lord? Once you got past the prophecy thing there really wasn't that much to worry about. At least Harry stopped worrying about things and went about defeating He Who Must Not Be Named. Harry reckoned that the reason he couldn't be named was because the great wanker changed his name so often that no one really knew what to call him.
Harry decided that the only thing anyone really needed to call him (meaning Harry himself) was 'Sexually repressed, horny-as-hell… At any rate, Harry figured that if you mispronounced his name and said 'Horny' he would have still answered because that was about the only thing he had been thinking about for the last month 24/7.
Harry had accidentally been sucked into one of Voldie's mind trips one day when it occurred to him that Voldie's real problem was not so much that he was an evil over-lord it was that he was a totally paranoid submissive and just couldn't 'get it up' the normal way. Harry began plotting on how to give him the orgasm to die for. All this from a virgin who up until last month hadn't really thought about what people do in bed…together…with their partners…and whatever other items (both animate and inanimate) that one could wish for.
Harry showed up at Riddle Manor pulling a suitcase on wheels of dubious muggle origins. He was dressed in his Gryffindor Qudditch robes, as were his similarly attired companions, Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy. They were carrying various blankets, picnic baskets, a Quidditch set, and a boom box complete with 99 D cell batteries (all brand new and in working order just as advertised on Saturday Night Live some twenty years ago).
They were to be met at Riddle Manor by the rest of the disillusioned Death Eaters whom Severus had recruited over the last month. Each one of these MEN had been hand-picked, hand-pulled, or otherwise motivated by the promise of great sex in vast quantities… Needless to say, Harry and Draco were just slightly embarrassed when Narcissa and Lucius embraced them both and gave them a thumbs up while whispering things about hurry up and let's get this game started!
Draco whined, "Mummy, what are you doing here?"
Narcissa simply glowed with good health and happiness. "Now, Dear, don't get too upset. I had to be here. You know your father always brings me to all the orgies. His great-great-grandfather something picked up the habit when they were in Rome a few centuries ago. Besides, your father let me and Mrs. Parkinson pick escorts to the midnight festivities. He fully expects the party to last for the entire weekend."
Harry choked slightly. "You and Mrs. Parkinson! Both here…midnight orgy…AAAAHHH." He bent over and took deep breaths as he tried to recover his dignity.
Snape walked over to him. "Harry James Potter! Control yourself. You are going to need every bit of your energy for later. I have the schedule worked out on who does what when, but if you and Draco have miscalculated any of the math from the information I gave you then you two will have to continue pleasuring him until someone else recovers."
Draco and Harry both glared at him. "We had Hermione check the math. It should take approximately 37 hours and 28 minutes 12 seconds for him to sever the mortal coil if we do not allow him any food or water."
"Did you take into account the fact that he is a cum slut?"
Harry nodded. "Hermione was really specific about that. She said that if no one lets him eat spunk his expiration date should decrease by approximately ten minutes per denied snack." Miraculously the boy held a straight face and did not blush. "She also mentioned that we could increase his staying time by the exact amount if anyone slipped up unless we took counter-measures." He eyed Narcissa's cleavage with a slight hint of desperation.
Narcissa flinched. "URRGGHHH! Now I see why Lucius and Petros wanted Rosalinda and myself here."
Snape raised an eyebrow.
She glared at him, "It's because the Dark Lord is terrified of bosoms. If everyone else is exhausted past all hope we are to take off our robes and…
Draco screwed up his face as he looked at his very tall thin mother's more than ample bosom. He flinched and looked away. Even as a baby he had refused to be breastfed, he wondered what his father's fascination in them were- not that he really wanted to know.
The conversation lapsed as they crossed the lawn and approached the house. Severus strode forward pompously and let Lucius and Narcissa to escort the two horny teenage boys who were eyeing each other appreciatively.
Riddle House was guarded by a single jaded Death Eater who looked like he hadn't had a bath since the last meeting (which had been a fortnight ago) and really needed to go home and freshen up. Since they really did not need him to stick around and smell up the party Severus told him as much just before he shoved an activated portkey into his hand and sent him to a nice quiet little shack somewhere in the Dark Forest. (My Maternal family originated from there so I know there are evil things …that left? A.R.)
Just before said Death Eater disappeared Lucius smiled at him and said, "IF I remember correctly Mr. Felice, you have a nice package. Get cleaned up and we might let you cum to the party." Now that is an incentive to get ready to rumble, isn't it?
The party began with Lucius and Severus bowing before their lord and requesting that he join them outdoors for a quick check of the wards before they began their mid-Summer revel. He was more than happy to help.
The three of them walked around and checked everything while other Death Eaters apparated in and began firing up the barbeque grill and setting the brews in the ice tubs. Soon the aroma of imported American beef could be smelled wafting tantalizingly on the gentle breeze.
Tom looked at his two companions who looked rather giggly and frisky and commented, "I really appreciate you acquiring American beef for the revel, Lucius. One cannot be too concerned for one's health and quite frankly that muggle disease called 'MadWoman' is really scary."
Severus grinned, "That would be Mad Cow Disease, wouldn't it?"
Tom shook his head. "Mad cow, mad woman…what is the difference?"
He turned around when he heard a distinctly serpentine hiss- and came face to face with an enraged Narcissa Black Malfoy. "I will show you the difference you snake-faced freak!" Before he could pull his wand she had him down on the ground, sitting astride his pelvic region and using her fists very proficiently on his upper body.
Lucius looked on in absolute joy. "Look, Severus! I told you that was her kick-boxing video I found hidden up in the owlry."
Harry and Draco wandered over hand-in-hand and watched Mrs. Malfoy. "Mummy, you really are throwing off the party schedule."
Narcissa did not even look up. "Sorry, honey. I am rather busy though."
Harry laughed. "Honey! That's it! Honey!" he squealed happily as he grabbed Draco and planted an excited kiss on his new 'best friend with benefits' lips.
Tom gave a rather terrified squeak as he thought about the concept of honey in relation to where he was. Then he looked back at Mrs. Malfoy who was unbuttoning her robes…and immediately passed out from fright.
He never did revive. Harry conjured stakes and tied Tom's appendages to them then conjured a beautiful nest of fire ants to clean up the honey.
Death Eaters immediately gathered round and began betting on how long it would take the ants to clean all the meat off certain bones. It was quite good fun to eat burgers and drink bud lights while getting a little of their own back. Of course, Crabbe and Goyle got yelled at for peeing on his head and disturbing the fire ants work… But since it was all in good fun they kept right on desecrating the corpse of their late master.
When the carcass had been stripped, the bones disposed of and the fire ants sent back to South America everyone continued on with the party.
Harry sent up a flare and when the Aurors apparated in they were told to bring more food and friends and hurry up since they only had all weekend…
You are cordially invited to leave a comment on either the story you have just read or the song that you might want to skip... Either way, keep a smile on your face and and extra set of batteries in case your friends don't want to play with you...
Down in the dungeons
Down in the dungeons
Wizards put me down 'cause
That's the part of the castle I live in.
Well I hex them, and they curse me
That's the way it is in wizards' society
Merlin have mercy on a wizard down in the dungeons.
Ev'ry night I climb the stairs to the top most castle spire
There's a little witch up there who sets my heart afire
I don't dare to conjure her flowers
'Cause the Headmaster is my employer
So I just have to brew my potions
And meet her in the foyer
Down in the dungeons
Down in the dungeons
Wizards put me down 'cause that's
The part of the castle I live in.
Well I hex them, and they curse me
That's the way it is in wizards society
Merlin have mercy on a wizard down in the dungeons.
Down in the dungeons
Down in the dungeons
One fine day I'll find a way to move my dreary lab
I'll brew my potions in gold cauldrons
And feed her love potions
Until that day I'll brew and teach
And I'll save every knut
But tonight she'll apparate away
To fly with me one more time
Down in the dungeons
Down in the dungeons
Wizards put me down 'cause that's
The part of the castle I live in.
Well I hex them, and they curse me
That's the way it is in wizards society
Merlin have mercy on a wizard down in the dungeons.
Merlin have mercy on a wizard down in the dungeons.
Merlin have mercy on a wizard down in the dungeons.