The peaceful one is at war without and within.
Especially IN BED! ARRROW!
-The Didact, while wasted at a party
The Forerunner story - the history of my people - has been told and retold throughout the ages since our disappearance, with greater and greater idealization, such that I scarcely recognize it anymore. Oh, and while I'm speaking, let me just go on record to say that the Master Builder is LYING when he tells you about that one night on Charum Hakkor. I'm not gonna say any more, just know that he's a LIAR. I wasn't even that drunk!
But seriously. Back on track. It is true that we were once a great and mighty people, our ecumene (OH SCREW YOU AUTO-CORRECT THAT IS A WORD) once spanned three million fertile worlds, our knowledge and power were unrivalled by any other races of the time. Other than the Precursors, who some say fashioned us in their image and rewarded that image with their breath. We still celebrate Precusor-mas, where we all dress in fancy costumes and sing Jingle Bells with a folky country twist.
My fate, the fate of a foolish Forerunner, was tied inextricably with that of two young humans and the world-line of a great Forerunner leader, the Didact. That night, I put in motion the events that would trigger the final wave of the hideous Flood.
That was the night I lost my virginity.
HAH! Just kidding. No, but seriously, that was one ugly night.
We extinguished the fires we had lit the previous night and pushed our boat back out onto the water. A series of almost pitiful clicks and moans issued forth from the little steam powered vessel, but the captain gave it a swift kick and we were back on track.
Twenty kilometers away lay the central peak of Djamonkin Crater, pushing through the clouds like a pen- I mean, a big mountain. The rising sun illuminated it in brilliant golden light, and the low lying clouds gave it an even greater aura of beauty. I wanted to take a picture, but I heard that freaks the local (and quite dangerous) wildlife out.
Below us lay the water, shifting and whirling like no tide could ever move water. Pale merse twisted and made inappropriate shapes below us with their bodies. The trick was to ignore them when they did that, but I noticed the captain kept sneaking peeks.
The captain sang low but loud to calm the merse as we passed them. The merse always required a song to be sung when crossing their lake, but they changed it every year to keep up with popular culture. "I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed; it dropped on the floor, and rolled out the door…" the captain sang.
The water bubbled, signaling the merse's displeasure. My eyes darted around anxiously, and I turned to the human I knew as Chakas.
"You assured me he was the best," I hissed. Chakas turned to regard me with small, dark eyes.
"He is," he said. "The McDonald's we hired him at told us that he was the best with boats."
"You hired him at a McDonald's?" I asked incredulously. "Why?"
We both turned to the captain. His singing voice was beginning to falter, and he started turning the boat around. Unfortunately, since he was busy staring at the merse, the boat started to turn about in circles like a retarded whale, and the merse continued to stare.
At about this time, a diminutive human known as Riser (I referred to him privately as Bilbo Baggins, though) scurried down from the stern. "This man is idiot," he told us quietly as if he were divulging a great secret. "Make retarded, he is. Kill us all retardedness of his he will!"
Riser's English wasn't all that good to begin with, but under stress it was even worse. I could make out his general meaning, though.
"Merse are agitated. You must strip," he said, pointing at me.
"What?" I asked a little too loudly. Chakas nodded. "He's right. The energy your armor is giving off is probably increasing the strain on the merse."
I privately wondered when Chakas had become an electrical engineer, but I nodded slowly and began to take off the armor. I cursed myself for not bringing spare clothing, but it was too late now. Maybe I could steal Chakas'.
As soon as the armor came off I realized how freaking cold it was. I shuddered as a gust of wind cut through me like a butter knife. My armor shut itself down as soon as I took it off.
I wondered what my ancilla would do after I had taken the armor off. She had been my guide for the three years since my father had traded me to a family of Miners on Edom. He told me it was an "exchange trip", but a little while later he accidentally sent me via email an invitation to his "Bornstellar is Gone Party."
Chakas and Riser both scurried up towards the captain, who was beginning to sweat after a merse licked his lips and winked at him seductively. They conversed with him in hushed tones. I strained to hear them, but I only picked up a few words.
"Merse… song sucks… must have changed it…" The captain looked nervous, and he kept glancing at the water. The merse continued to make inappropriate shapes.
Chakas and Riser rejoined me. "We're going to try singing some of the newer songs. The merse probably changed the song to one of those," Chakas told me. Riser nodded empathetically and mouthed Gangnam Style to me. I had no idea what that was, but I nodded back and tried to pretend I did.
The captain began to row towards the mountain again, and started singing Gangnam Style. The words made absolutely no sense to me, but I picked up "sexy lady" and a few others to.
Chakas and Riser joined in, and Chakas gestured for me to do the same. I started babbling gibberish to keep up, but I sang along when I could.
"Ty-jin kiun-fijiwosha, dhujncnjnr purple pancakes jfdjnind-uturrifmc hate this AYYYYE SEXY LADY- WOP-WOP-WOPPA GANGNAM STYLE!"
You get the drift.
We finally reached the other side of the lake. One of the merse flipped us off and they all swam away. Fortunately, they must have liked the song, because our boat was still intact.
I collapsed on the beach and breathed a sigh of relief. No longer would I have to sing that song and suffer the awkwardness of trying to be culturally relevant. That never worked out for me. I still watch The Sopranos, after all.
The boat left.
"Hey, what the hell?" I asked, scrambling to my feet and waving at the boat. "HEEEYYYYY! YOU LEFT US BEHIND, DUMBASSES!"
Chakas came to my side just as the captain flipped us off from across the water. Just then, a giant merse with tattoos of human reproductive organs all over its body emerged from the water and swallowed the boat whole.
"They didn't sing the song," Chakas murmured, tutting. I turned to him.
"How do we get back?" I asked him. He raised an eyebrow at me.
"You're looking for some magic alien thing, right? The Orgasm?"
"Organon," I corrected hastily as Bilbo Baggins raised his head from across the beach.
"Whatever. Make it take us home, then."
I suspected that he was mocking me, but I didn't pursue the matter. I didn't like the thought of relying on the Organon to take us home, though, especially since I wasn't at all sure whether or not I'd even find it here.
"Hey, you guys want a beer?" Chakas asked suddenly, turning around to head to the cooler.
"I'm twelve, jackass," I told him imperiously as I followed him to the cooler.
Chakas turned to me and assumed a pained expression. "Oh, sorry, did you want milk from the bottle, instead? Maybe I can burp you while you drink it? Maybe I can tell you a story?"
Riser snorted with laughter as Chakas went on. "Once upon a time, there was a Forerunner who was too much of a pussy to drink beer. He was a loser. The End."
Chakas wasn't much of a storyteller.
I rolled my eyes and turned away. Now that the initial feeling of panic at being abandoned here had faded, I felt the familiar twinge of excitement at the thought of adventure. Maybe I would find the Orgasm (Goddamnit I can't stop thinking of it as that now) and I would be hailed as a hero.
I felt a thud on the back of my head. I turned to see Chakas and Riser trying to suppress laughter as I bent down to pick up the can that they had thrown my way.
It was a can of beer, but the words Mommy's Milk; Straight from the Breast! was taped over it.
"Oh screw you guys," I said and threw the can back at them. This time, they couldn't contain their laughter anymore and doubled over, cackling like idiots.
Then again, maybe this would turn out to be the biggest clusterfuck ever achieved by the Forerunner race. One could never tell with these things.
(Rather late) Disclaimer: I do not own Cryptum, Halo, or any of the characters portrayed in this story or in the actual novel.
Hello, my friends! Welcome to my first attempt at Fanfiction; a parody of the Greg Bear novel Cryptum. Now, obviously, me making fun of Cryptum is like a mouse making fun of a giant and dangerous black bear, but with Silentium approaching in the coming months I figured I might as well kick it off now.
Since I have nothing to say, I'll just let the big sexy "review" area at the bottom of the page do the talking. Write in it. I know you want to. Go on. I won't tell.