Scrubs

Season 8, Episode 1

"My Human Nature"

Scene 1: Turk and JD are standing in a hallway.

JD (Narration) – It's an awesome day. Not only is it the first day of fall, but Dr. Kelso has an important announcement to make, and there have been rumors circulating over the past year that he's retiring.

Turk – Come on, Vanilla Bear, Kelso's making his announcement.

JD doesn't answer.

Turk – JD? Are you listening?

JD makes some hand motions.

Turk – Oh, you don't respond to Vanilla Bear anymore.

JD – Call me "White Chocolate". I may be white on the outside, but I'm black on the inside. Does Turk impression. Ya know what I'm sayin'?

Turk – JD, you're not black on the inside. You're more like vanilla ice cream, hence "Vanilla Bear."

JD – I am black inside! Like an Uh-Oh Oreo, or…or…Michael Jackson!

Turk – First of all JD, Michael Jackson ain't even black on the inside anymore. Second of all, if you're so black, lemme hear your Gangsta Talk.

JD – I dizzle fizzle all up in this here pizzle fo' shizzle!

Turk – That. Was. Awesome. Okay, I'll call you "White Chocolate".

Snoop Dogg Resident shows up.

SDR – That crazy ass Dr. Cox told me that if I ever heard "Carol" (Pointing to JD I guess that's you, bitch ass) talk that way, I should slap you like the 'ho that you are! Raises his right hand.

Turk – Don't do it, Snoop Dogg Resident! Although, I do like that your bitch-slapping hand is way strong.

SDR – Fine, I won't slap the cracka. But I'm an attending now, mo' fo'. Walks off.

JD – Snoop Dogg Attending, huh? He's movin' up!

Turk – Yeah, he is.

JD – I wonder what it would be like to have him as a doctor…

Fantasy

A man is lying in his bed. Snoop Dogg Attending walks in.

Patient – Hi, doctor…

SDA – You can just call me Dr. Pimp, bitch.

Patient – Sure, I guess. So do you know what's wrong with me, Dr. Pimp?

SDA – You got terminal lung cancer.

Patient – How much time do I have?

SDA – A lot, cuz I'm gonna slap it outta you. Possy, cancer slappin' time!

Many gansters show up.

SDA – One, Two, Cancer slap!

They all slap the patient in the head then leave.

SDA – Now you're all better.

Patient – Hey, you're right! Thanks Dr. Pimp!

End

JD – I wish I had a cancer slapping hand… and a possy…

Turk – Yeah, whatever. Alright White Chocolate, let's go watch Kelso retire.

JD – White Chocolate? I love it! It's like I came up with it or something. Cocky laugh

Turk shakes his head slowly. They walk off.

Cue theme song. Break.

Scene 2: All cast are standing at the nurses' station, looking at Dr. Kelso.

Kelso – Okay, everyone, gather 'round. I have an important announcement. Go ahead Ted.

Ted – But sir, why can't you do it?

Kelso – Just do it Ted!

Elliot – Dr. Kelso is so mean to Ted. It's like this time my maid…

Carla – …Consuela ate an apple and then some apple thieves…

Turk – …showed up and had sex with Mrs. Reid…

Keith – …who then had a threesome with Consuela and my father-in-law…

JD – …and finally the thieves took some apples… (take it Coxy!)

Cox – …so Barbie cried "Wah!" The end.

Elliot (high voice) – Ireallydon'twantyouguysfinishingmystoriesespeciallywhenyours-makenosense! Plus, my mom would never have sex with my dad, Keith.

Kelso – Shut up, Reid! Why the hell are you here, anyway? You don't work for me. Ted, what's the holdup you hopeless peon?

Ted – Sir, actually it's "The Worthless Peons".

Kelso – Cry me a river.

Cox – Oh, I hafta write that one down!

Ted – Fine, I'll do it. Dr. Kelso wants to tell you that he has decided to redo the nursing schedules.

JD – Well, that wasn't very beautiful. Turns to Cox. Yes, I know, I'm a girl.

Cox – Thanks for saving my time, Betty. Anyway Bob, why the hell did you call us real doctors and those retard surgeons mistakenly given the title of "doctor" over for that?

Kelso – I like to annoy you, Perry. Although I'm actually retiring.

Turk – Hallelujah! Everyone turns to him. I mean… that sucks…I really loved you Dr. Kelso.

Kelso – Shove it Turkleton.

Cox – So, Bobbo, who's taking your place? Is it Beardface?

JD – You're a poet and you didn't know it.

Cox – Newbie, shut up.

JD – Sorry.

Kelso – Actually, Perry, I'm not naming Beardface Chief of Medicine.

Beardface – IT'S BEARFACÈ!!!

Kelso – Nobody cares. Anyway, as I was saying…

Todd walks up and shakes Kelso's hand.

Todd – This was so unexpected, sir. I will honor your legacy well.

Kelso – You're not in medicine, you bumbling idiot! You can't be Chief of Medicine.

Todd – I can always transfer if you need me that badly.

Kelso – Leave, Todd. Todd walks away. For the third time, I'm naming Dr. Cox Chief of medicine.

JD(thoughts) – This really is a great day! My mentor is the boss now, which means I'm movin' up the ladder.

Cox – Why, Bob? I don't want your hospitality package.

Kelso – Perry, it's not a "hospitality package". You are the most capable doctor here, and I know that you will run it well. Differently, but well. I trust you, Perry. Walks to the door.

Cox – Bob! I don't-!

Kelso leaves the hospital. All cast but JD and Cox walk away.

JD – So, boss-a-roonie, what's your first mandate?

Cox – You stop annoying me.

JD – Come on, Perry, you need me around.

Cox – YOU DID NOT JUST CALL ME PERRY!! Look, Moesha, I think that you're confusing "you" and "me". Because the truth is that you need me, Susan. You always have. Now I know that you lay under your "Hello Kitty" bed sheets after taking off the "Barbie" ones since you wet them wondering why you can't be as good as me. But the sad truth is that nobody will ever be as good as me, Carol.

JD – Except for the beginning, that was less intense than usual.

Cox – Yeah, well, I'm pissed as it is. Now get out of my way Newbie.

JD walks off.

Scene 3: Elliot, Keith, Carla, and Turk are standing outside Elliot's office.

Carla – It was a joke, Elliot!

Elliot – You guys think I'm an idiot. We are so done talking after this sentence! Storms into her office and slams the door.

Keith – But Elliot, we're married! We're partners!

Carla – I'm your best friend, Elliot!

Turk – Elliot, I'm black! Others turn to Turk. I can construe her ignoring me as racist.

Carla – You're an idiot Turk.

Turk – Am not! Walks away.

Keith – He just felt inadequate…

Carla – Now that, Keith, can be viewed as racist.

Keith – I meant that he wasn't her husband or best friend!

Carla – Sure you did, sweetie. And I just married Turk so JD would be jealous.

Keith – That's horrible!

Carla – It's not true. Chuckling. I can't believe you believed that.

Keith – I knew you were kidding Carla…

Carla – Whatever you say, slugger.

They walk away, Keith trying to defend himself.

Scene 4: Turk runs into JD in the hallway and tells him about Elliot.

JD – So Elliot didn't realize that she was being racist?

Turk – Nope. You'd think she'd know that you can't ignore a playa.

Cox walks by.

Cox – You're not a "playa", Mahatma.

Turk – Did you just call me "My Hot Ma?"

Cox ignores him.

JD – He said "Mahatma" Chocolate Bear. It's Gandhi's first name.

Turk – Oh. Well since Dr. Cizzox over there ignored me, I'm going to decide he's racist too. That's two white people ignoring a black guy today.

JD – You know a black guy who isn't being ignored?

Turk – Yeah, look at Snoop Dogg Attending get his pimp on!

Snoop Dogg Attending is seen surrounded by women.

SDA – It took me years, but I finally found my hos.

JD – He is such a player.

Turk – Obviously unlike me.

JD – Dr. Cox is just pissed about his promotion.

Turk – Who in their right mind would be pissed off about getting a promotion, notwithstanding that it's the best one possible?

JD – First of all, we're talking Dr. Cox here. He isn't in his right mind. Second of all, he views it as help, and he likes independence.

Turk – That's true. Maybe you should talk to him. You can always get him out of hard times, like when he accidentally killed those patients.

JD – I guess I can. I'll see ya later Turk. Walks towards Cox's office.

JD (Narration) – I don't know why Dr. Cox hates help so much. I guess it's human nature to want to be independent. Elliot's "defense mechanism" is, too. Elliot is crying. Break.

Scene 5: Carla and Ted are at the nurses' station.

Carla – You must feel so free with Dr. Kelso gone.

Ted – We'll actually, I feel really bored. Dr. Cox hasn't asked me to do anything yet, and he's been in charge for 10 minutes already! I think I might be able to quit.

Carla – "Be able to quit?"

Ted – Kelso refused to allow me to quit. Maybe Dr. Cox will.

Carla – Of course he will. He's nothing like Dr. Kelso walks up Dr. Kelso?!

Kelso – Hello Nurse Turkleton. I'll be out of your hair in a second, I just need to talk to Ted.

Ted – What do you want, Bob?

Kelso – It's only been ten minutes Ted. Gets angry You are too unimportant to disrespect me!

Ted – Sorry.

Kelso – Damn right you're sorry. Anyway, I need you to quit. My gardener and housekeeper just ran off together and I need someone to take care of my house while I'm finding new ones.

Ted – But, sir, I can do it on weekends and keep my job.

Kelso – There are five other days in the week. You have ten minutes to quit or I'll have to do it for you. Walks away.

Ted – What are we gonna do, Carla?

Carla – Dr. Cox is the boss now, which means he can save your job.

Ted – I know it sounds hypocratical, but I don't want to quit.

Carla – The word is hypocritical, Ted.

Ted – Hold on, let me check my dictionary. Reaches into his bag.

Carla stops him.

Carla – It's not that important Ted. Anyway, Dr. Cox won't let Kelso take advantage of you like that.

Todd pops up.

Todd – Points to a nurse. I'd like to take advantage of her like that.

Carla – Todd, that would be rape.

Todd – I know, but I've been waiting down there forever. See ya. Leaves.

Ted – Alright, let's go talk to Dr. Cox.

Carla – Yup. They enter the hallway.

Scene 6: Elliot is crying in her office when Janitor walks in.

Janitor – Hey, little lady. Is there a problem?

Elliot – Janitor, my "friends" all made fun of the way I tell stories.

Janitor – They are pretty funny. But you have to allow yourself to be a part of the joke and laugh with them, because otherwise you may end up alone.

Elliot – I feel like I said something like that to a patient once. Anyway thanks for that Janitor. One thing…yup, I did! Mr. Gerst. He got stuck with an erect schwing-schwong for like 3 days. I told him a story about this time I ended up roller skating with my pants down, and then I became part of the joke, and I helped him realize that it was okay for him to laugh at himself…

Janitor – Congratulations.

Elliot – As I was saying, I was kinda surprised that JD was a part of it. I mean, with his vasovagal syncope you'd think he'd understands what it feels like to be made fun of.

Janitor – Dorian was a part of it?

Elliot – Yeah, he was. Janitor leaves. Why do you care? Janitor? Where did he go?

Keith and Turk walk in.

Keith – Elliot, I'm sorry for making fun of you.

Turk – Yeah, me too. (muttering) Ya racist bitch.

Elliot – It's okay guys, a friend helped me out.

Turk – Thanks for acknowledging my help, Elliot.

Elliot – How did you help, Turk?

Turk – Well, I said you can't ignore a black guy. I guess you decided we were all cool enough to qualify as black.

Elliot – Turk, that doesn't even make sense.

Turk – W'ever. Peace out! Leaves.

Keith – Elliot, my shift is over and it's almost 5. You ready to go.

Elliot – Sure. Just let me clock out. They leave.

Scene 7: Carla and Ted are knocking on Cox's door when JD walks up.

JD – That's a waste, Carla. He won't open his door. I know, I've been trying for like ten minutes. If only I could get through to him…

Fantasy

JD is wearing a white cape and a black superhero uniform with a white circle on his chest that has "WC" in it. He flies through the window of Cox's office.

JD – Dr. Cox, I, White Chocolate, the greatest superhero ever, am here to save you from yourself!

Cox – I don't want your help, Michael Jackson. Oh, and please don't rape me.

JD – Maybe this will help.

JD raises his hands and a bar of white chocolate appears in Cox's hands.

Cox – Wow!

He takes a bite.

Cox – I love my job now! Thanks White Chocolate.

JD – I'm just doing my job.

JD flies away.

End

JD – I hope Dr. Cox likes white chocolate…Hey guys! Where'd you go? Ah, whatever, lemme try to break through the door.

Todd pops up.

Todd – I'd like to break through her door!

JD – Todd, I think that classifies as breaking and entering.

Todd – Yeah, I know. I have some weird crime innuendo streak goin' on today.

JD – Just leave, Todd.

Todd – Okay. Leaves.

JD (thoughts) – Okay, here goes nothing. White Chocolate will save you Dr. Cox!

JD retreats from the door and stands on the nurses' station.

JD – EEEEAGLESSSSS!!!! Jumps at the door. Cox opens it and JD rolls into the office, hitting Dr. Cox.

Cox – Get the hell out, Cynthia! Closes the door.

JD – Dr. Cox, wait!

Janitor appears and pushes JD into the wall.

Janitor – Let's see how you like to be made fun of! Spray paints JD's scrubs pink with purple polka dots, then leaves.

JD (thoughts) – What was that about?

JD – Jerk!

JD (thoughts) – I have to get through to Dr. Cox. Ted's job is on the line. JD knocks incessantly, and Cox finally opens the door.

Cox – Do you want something? Oh, are you showing me your scrubs? I like the new look, Carol, I do. It fits your girly exterior, and interior for that matter. Although, we can talk about how cute your scrubs are and if Dr. Matthews will think you're hot later. For now, just what the hell are you annoying me for?

JD (thoughts) – Okay, White Chocolate, time to shine!

JD – Look, Petunia, you were named Chief of Medicine! Now, I understand that you would rather watch grown men throw pigskin around so you can see them sweat than you want to head this place, but guess what Lily, you have a job to do! So I want you to march over to Ted, Carla, and Bob and get rid of Bob for good, because otherwise Ted will lose his job. Are we clear, Hermione?

Cox – You did not just take those names from Harry Potter.

JD – I may have.

Cox – GET OUT OF HERE, YA WHINY BASTARD!!!

JD runs off.

JD (yelling) – You know I'm right!

Cox – You are right. Walks away.

Scene 8: Dr. Kelso walks up to Ted and Carla in the hallway.

Kelso – It's been ten minutes, Ted! I guess I'll have to go tell Perry you quit.

Cox walks up and whistles.

Cox – Wrong-o, Beelzebob. Now that I'm the boss around here, I think I'll decide to keep Ted around. Plus, to make sure you don't try to take Ted to hell with you anyway, you, Dr. Robert Kelso, are banned from Sacred Heart Hospital unless you're in need of medical help, in which case I'll have to allow you in. I'll be sending it in writing tomorrow.

Kelso – Perry! You listen to me!

Cox – Leonard! Why don't you help Dr. Kelso find his way out.

Leonard – Of course. Come here, ya bastard. Picks up Dr. Kelso and carries him out.

Ted – Thank you Dr. Cox.

Cox – Shut up and get to work, Ted. I need you to type up that letter to Bobbo.

Ted – Yes sir! Walks off.

Carla – I'm glad you're embracing your job.

Cox – I got a little help, but yeah, I'm good now. Cox turn around and sees JD leaning against a wall, smiling. Cox mouths "thank you" and walks away.

JD (Narration) – In the end, human nature controls many things, but if you learn how to overcome the bad ones, you might just be happy. Fade out.

Well, that's episode 1. Review please! It'll probably take a week before I get done with the next one, because I first handwrite it and then type it. Plus, it's really hard to think of jokes and fantasies, so be patient.

Next Episode: My New Friend