This is a new story I had floating around my head, and I couldn't get it out so I started to write it. This is completely OOC and is basically a parody of what is going on in the lives of our favorite characters. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. I hope you all like it and think it's as funny as I do, because I'd hate to be that crazy person that laughs at things that no one thinks are funny.
Summary: Dumbledore is dying, and he knows it. All he wants to see before he dies is his sixth years getting along. At the end of the year, he invites all of the sixth years and their significant others to a mandatory meeting in his office. He doesn't tell them why, of course. Instead he sends them on their merry way to an unknown location. Group therapy ensues.
DISCLAIMER: Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am no longer the owner of Harry Potter. JK Rowling, the lucky bitch, polyjuiced into me, obliviated everyone that knew I owned Harry Potter, and stole it for herself. Life is unfair. *Sigh.*
Professor Dumbledore was an old man with old concerns. He was concerned about Voldemort wrecking havoc, Draco Malfoy poisoning other students, whether purple looks good on him or not, whether he should tell Harry Potter that he has to die, if lemon drops were Merlin's gift to wizarding kind, and other things similar. He would sometimes go to one of those muggle therapists and let it all out, before obliviating them, of course. That course of action never failed to help him, so of course it could never fail to help others.
His sixth years were going to get along, god damn it, and he would make sure of it. Severus told him he had about a year to live, and he was getting down to his final months. He had to take action now before it was too late.
Quickly getting out a sheet of parchment he wrote a note, tapped it with his wand and said in his head 'gemino.' Satisfied with the number of notes resting on his desk, he looked up and around his marvelous office.
"Fawkes!" he called to his lovely Phoenix.
His faithful pet trilled and landed gently on Dumbledore's shoulder.
"Hello, Fawkes," he cooed, stroking the lovely red feathers on his lovely red head. "Would you kindly deliver these notes to all of my sixth years in each house – the important characters and the ones I find amusing, that is - and also to a Miss Weasley and Miss Greengrass? The younger one," he asked his bird kindly, not wanting him to get in a shirty mood with him.
Fawkes trilled a positive response.
"Excellent, excellent. Thank you, my dear boy," Dumbledore sat back in his plush desk chair and watched as Fawkes burst into flames and was gone from his office. All he had to do now was wait and twiddle his thumbs.
It took less than five minutes for Fawkes to return to Dumbledore's side, seemingly agitated. "What ails you, my friend?" he asked his bird, concern evident in his soft voice.
Fawkes bowed his head down and shook it side to side.
Dumbledore was lost on what to do. "Was it one of the students?" he asked him anxiously.
Fawkes trilled a yes.
"Hmm," Dumbledore said pensively, his thinking face on. "You must have barged in on something, I take it?"
Fawkes trilled another yes.
"I see, I see. That can be very damaging, I know. You can talk to the therapist about it if you'd like," he offered hopefully.
Fawkes huffed.
"No, no, that's fine. I understand. Not everyone wants to, as they say, 'let it all hang loose.' There's nothing wrong with that at all."
The Phoenix looked disgusted and let out a screech to convey his utter disgust.
He was ignored. "But I'll let you in on a secret. I like to literally let it all hang loose," Dumbledore chuckled, not noticing the small bell chime to alert him of a visitor coming up the stairs. "That's why I love to wear robes. My old friend Archie shares the same views as me on that subject matter. As a matter of fact, we sometimes go out and-" Dumbledore was interrupted by a familiar voice.
"Err… Professor Dumbledore, sir? Is this a bad time? Because we can come back later if you'd like… your note did say come immediately, though…" Harry Potter trailed off, glancing back at a traumatized looking Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger.
Dumbledore peered behind Harry to see that Ronald Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnegan, Lavender Brown, and Parvati Patil were all staring at him.
"Oh, no, not a bad time at all!" Dumbledore said merrily. "I'm delighted to have you all here! Really! Now, if I could ask you to all step aside and take a seat?" he asked, and with a wave of his wand two scarlet couches were on the wall of his office.
The Gryffindors all nodded and scurried over to their seats, Ginny sitting on Harry's lap.
He noticed Hermione mouthing 'Archie' over and over. "Is there something wrong, Miss Granger?" he asked her kindly.
She was obviously startled by his question and noticeably jumped. "No-nothing's wrong sir," she stammered, a red blush filling her cheeks. "It's just a memory that I was witnessing again."
Harry and Ron snickered at her, both coming to the same conclusion that she had. They were more amused than anything, though. Hermione obviously was not.
Dumbledore smiled serenely. "If that is all then, my dear child."
The bell chimed again and he looked up at the door to see the nervous faces of Terry Boot, Michael Corner, Padma Patil, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, Ernie Macmillion, and Justin Finch-Fletchley staring at him.
"Ah, welcome all! Do come in and take a seat!" Another wave of his wand and two yellow and two dark blue couches appeared next to the scarlet Gryffindor couch. Another wave and two green couches sat next to the Ravenclaw couches, who were next to the Hufflepuffs, who were next to the Gryffindors.
Everyone stared at Dumbledore.
Dumbledore stared back, absentmindedly humming as his blue eyes twinkled.
The door chimed a final time, and everyone in the room looked over at the door expectantly. The door opened to reveal the sneering faces of Draco Malfoy, Blaise Zabini, Crabbe and Goyle (because really, no one knows their names,) Pansy Parkinson, and Daphne and Astoria Greengrass.
Dumbledore clapped his hands together. "Everyone is here! Excellent! Slytherins, if you will," he motioned to the empty green couches and watched his Slytherin sixth years and fourth year walk over to the couches left open for them grudgingly. When everyone was settled, Dumbledore started to talk again. "Now, I'm sure you're all pondering why I invited you here," he started.
Harry jumped up, suddenly alert. Ginny fell out of his lap with a small cry. "Is it Voldemort, sir? Is it him? I swear to Merlin, I am going to kick that tosser's arse if it is, because-"
Dumbledore interrupted him with a frown. "Harry, my dear boy, it is not-"
Ron jumped up this time with a shriek. "Is it Aragog? Does he want me? Oh, I knew he would want me," Ron moaned, rocking side to side as he clutched his face.
Harry sent Ron an annoyed look. "Ron, knock it off. Look at the real problem. Voldemort is all pissy again and is going to kill Ginny and all of our lovely future babies that will have beautiful red hair and almond shaped green eyes like my mum-"
"And you," Ginny interrupted.
-and me," Harry agreed. "And all of them will-"
Hermione stood up this time. "Ginny's pregnant!"
Dumbledore sighed. "You can tell me if she's pregnant, Harry. I won't get mad at you. I promise. I'll even pinky swear, if you'd like?"
Ginny stood up from the floor, rubbing her bum. "No, I'm not pregnant!"
Lavender snorted. "Don't lie. We can tell. Just look at all of the weight you've gained!"
Hannah frowned. "I don't think Ginny looks fat."
Susan nodded. "Ginny looks fine, Lavender. Don't be so mean."
Parvati squealed. "OHMYMERLIN! Name the baby after me?"
Dean looked lost. "Wait, we were all called here because Ginny's pregnant?"
Pansy sneered. "I don't care if the Weasel is pregnant. Can I go now?"
"I absolutely demand that my father be here for this!" Draco shouted over everyone else.
"I didn't think they would get pregnant so young," Ernie said sadly to Justin.
Justin snorted. "I did! Remember the bets we all made when we found out about what happened in the Gryffindor Common room after that match?"
Seamus laughed. "I remember those bets! I bet they were going to name their kid after Snape!"
Harry, who had been listening to everything going on around him with confusion evident on his face, whirled around to look at Seamus. "I would NEVER!"
Ginny nodded fervently. "And I would never let this blockhead even think of it!"
"So you are pregnant!" Lavender yelled triumphantly.
Hermione chewed on her nail. "I think we should really tell Mrs. Weasley about this…"
Michael turned to Terry with a sigh. "Does this mean my chances with her are over?"
"If she's knocked up, then yes," Terry answered solemnly.
"I can send my mum for some maternity clothes for you, if you'd like?" Padma offered.
"QUIET!" Dumbledore yelled over all of the commotion using a Sonorus charm. The room fell into silence at once. "Thank you," he said pleasantly, the Sonorus charm lifted. "Now that I all have your attention, I would like to tell you the reason you are here," he paused and looked over at Harry and Ginny, who were both still standing. "You are not pregnant, correct?"
Harry and Ginny both nodded their heads earnestly.
"Good," Dumbledore smiled. "Now that that issue has been cleared up…" he started to rummage around his desk, presumably looking for something. Everyone watched in fascination as he threw letters, lemon drops, robes, quills, clay pottery, a rock, flowers, what looked suspiciously like lip gloss, and a bong off of his desk. "Aha!" Dumbledore cheered to himself as he lifted up a muggle jump-rope after throwing a goldfish bowl.
"Professor, why do you have a jump-rope?" Hermione asked him hesitantly, identifying the strange item to all of the Purebloods and Half-Bloods in the room at once.
Dumbledore smiled. "So I can have a large enough Portkey, my dear," he answered, pulling out his wand again. He tapped the long rope and said 'Portus,' watching as the long rope glowed blue.
"But Professor, that's illegal!" Hermione remarked shrilly.
Dumbledore simply smiled again. "Yes," he said in acknowledgement. "Everyone, gather around!" All of his servants – did he think servants? He meant students- dutifully followed his order and all circled around the rope and grabbed onto it.
"Sir, where are we going?"
Padma was ignored. "Leaving in three, two, one."
Everyone felt the familiar lurches around their navels as they were spun around in a blur of colors and sounds. They all grabbed on to the rope as tightly as they could, getting annoyed at the feeling of their shoulders knocking against each other. Fortunately, as soon as it started, it was over. The twenty three students all landed with a thud, some on their feet, and others on their bums. They appeared to be in a waiting room of some sorts and all exchanged nervous glances.
Harry, who stood up as soon as he got over his dizziness, pulled Ginny up and behind him. He scanned the empty room intently. His bright green eyes narrowed on the lady who was staring at them from behind a sliding glass window. "Oho!" he shouted, whipping his wand out.
Everyone jumped at his sudden shout.
"Harry, what the hell!" Seamus complained, rubbing his ear. He glanced over to the lady Harry was staring at. "Why are you pointing your wand at her? That is so rude, Harry."
Hermione nodded. "Put it away, Harry."
Harry glanced over at Ginny worriedly. "Ginny?"
Ginny didn't answer. She was staring in horror at the wall above the door.
"Ginny? What is it? Ginny?"
Noticing Harry's anxious voice, everyone peered over at Ginny. Draco looked over at what she was staring at and screamed. "WHAT? Therapy? Uh uh. HELL no! My father will be hearing about THIS!"
Meanwhile…
Dumbledore was staring off into space, contently sucking on a lemon drop. "I feel accomplished," he sighed happily to Fawkes.
Fawkes trilled an annoyed sound.
"What is it, Fawkes? Is it the children?"
Fawkes trilled a positive sound.
"Hmm… did I forget something?" Dumbledore wondered to himself outloud.
Fawkes trilled a positive sound.
Dumbledore glanced around him, and his eyes fell, transfixed, on the collection tin that held no wands. "Bugger," he muttered to himself. "That can't be good…"
So? What do you think? Was it funny? Should I continue? Any suggestions on certain people in a therapy room that you want to see together? I need feedback, my minions! Feedback, I tell you! FEEDBACK!