Author's notes: Considered 4th in our headcanon GTTniverse, but can be read on its own. Just a fun little random fic, having nothing really to do with anything at all. Spoilers, possibly.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Edgar Foremen, private eye. That's what was written on the glass panes of the door to his office. Looking up from his desk, he peered from underneath the brim of his brown fedora at the prospective client, who could only be described as very, very ginger.
"Now then, Miss…?"
"Pond," The lady said. "My name's Amelia Pond, and my husband's been murdered."
"Of course." Foremen said, smiling at the woman coyly. "And his name would be…?"
"Rory Williams." Amelia answered. "He worked as a nurse under Doctor Jones at the local hospital just west of Drumlins."
"And you're positive that this was a murder?" Foremen asked doubtfully. "I haven't seen anything in the papers."
"They didn't want it to get to the public, as they haven't yet got the facts." Amelia explained. "But I'm certain that it was murder. You see, my husband was stabbed in the back. Even the police think it was murder."
"Then they've got people on it. Didn't you think that they would catch the killer?" Foremen asked. Amelia sighed and pushed some stray red locks out of her eyes.
"Look, I'm hiring you to find my husband's killer." She said testily. "Doesn't my down payment speak for itself? The police, yes they can try. But you're a hands on private eye. You have a gun and you don't need license to kill. Whoever stabbed my husband is out there and the police aren't getting things done quickly enough."
"I see." Foremen smiled. He liked this fiery red head. "Now why don't you calm down and tell me what happened?"
"Well, when Rory didn't come home last night, I phoned the hospital. They told me that he had left for some business. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but then the police called me and told me that he had been found, with a knife in his back, in the middle of an alleyway." She put her hand to her mouth, but didn't cry. Brave then.
"I'll take your case." Foremen said, looking from under the brim of his hat. "I'm rather put off that the coppers haven't yet called for my help, so I'll get it done twice as fast as they could. Plus," He smiled at Amelia. "I like you, Pond. I think that you deserve to know what happened that night."
Amelia composed herself and then sat up very straight in her seat. "Thank you." She said, and then she stood and left. Foremen watched her go and then he stood also. It was time to break in his Detective bowtie.
The crime scene was in an alleyway behind the hospital, and Mr. Rory Williams had indeed been stabbed in the back. The strange thing about it, was that he had been stabbed with a fork.
"Stabbed in the back with a fork," Foremen said. "Now, that's a new one."
He walked over and examined the body. It was a dead body alright.
"The time of death was estimated sometime around midnight," Said Detective Jonathan Smith, who was, as always, wearing his pin stripe suit, converse, and brown full length overcoat. He had his badge pinned to the lapel of his coat, and he stuck his hands in his pockets as he looked down at the body.
His plucky assistant, Detective Donna Noble, was standing back a little ways, taking notes and looking glum.
"Do you have any clues as to who the suspect is?" Foreman asked. Smith nodded.
"Just one," he said. "The killer left a calling card."
Smith nodded towards a nearby brick wall and Foreman turned towards it. Graffitid on the wall were two words, two simple words, but they made Foreman smile as he read them.
"Bad Wolf," he read aloud. "She's back!"
"Yes, and I must say, you seem much too excited at the prospect," Detective Smith said.
Foreman shrugged. "What can I say," he said. "I've been following the cases of the legendary Bad Wolf since day one, when her first case was reported on the telly, channel Satellite Five. Now that she's come out of retirement, I intend to find her out and bring her to justice."
"Very well then," Detective Smith said. "The first place to look would be the office of Rory Williams, but we're going to have to get a warrant before we can get in. Come along, Donna."
Donna shook her head and sighed. "So young," she said. "He was a nice man."
"You knew him?" Foreman asked.
Donna nodded. "Only a little," she said. "I ran into him a few times at a coffee shop, when I went early enough. He was always very polite."
"Well, I'm sorry to hear that he was a friend of yours," Foreman said. "I promise, I'll catch Bad Wolf and bring her to justice. If I can, that is."
Donna smiled at Foreman before turning and following Detective Smith to the police car. Getting in, they drove away, leaving Foreman alone to investigate his way. Forget the warrant, he was going to go investigate the office.
Foreman closed the door quietly, hoping to make as little noise as possible. Not that he was breaking and entering, oh no. He just didn't want to have to explain his presence to any, say, detective Jonathan Smith's coming along. He hated explaining things like this.
As he entered the victim's study, he looked around quickly, making sure the room was empty before walking to a desk and opening the top left-hand drawer.
"Well, if it isn't Detective Foreman, private eye," said a familiar voice, and Foreman looked up to smile at the newcomer.
"Detective Melody Malone," he said. "What brings you to a dead man's office?"
"Same thing as you, I'd imagine," Melody said, smiling at Foreman and walking up to stand next to him behind the desk. "I see you don't know as much about this Mr. Williams as I do."
"And what makes you say that?" Foreman asked.
"You're looking in the left-hand drawer," Melody said. "Mr. Williams was right handed."
"Right," Foreman said. "Right. I knew that." Opening the right-hand drawer, he paused. "What does that have to do with anything?" He asked.
"Nothing," Melody said, rifling through papers in the left-hand drawer. "I just wanted to look through this drawer first."
Foreman smiled. "Oh, Miss Malone," he said. "You tricked me."
"Yes, sweetie, I did," Melody said. "Oh, now, this is interesting."
"What, what is it?" Foreman asked, looking over her shoulder.
"Mr. Williams was researching the Bad Wolf," River said. "Apparently, he was more than just a nurse. Look, here's a badge. He was working undercover."
"You mean he's been trailing Bad Wolf all this time?" Foreman said, reading some of the information.
"Appears so," Melody said. "Look, he's even got information on two other criminals, Jack Harkness and Mickey Smith, both wanted for robbery. It says here that they're in league with Bad Wolf."
"Does it say who Bad Wolf is?" Foreman asked.
"No," Melody said, looking at all the pages. "But there's a page missing, it looks like whoever she is, Bad Wolf got here first."
Foreman sighed. "There's got to be a way to figure out who she is," he said.
Suddenly, they heard footsteps coming from the hallway and stopping in front of the door. Foreman and Melody looked at each other.
"Do you happen to have a warrant?" Foreman asked her.
"Not a chance, Sweetie," Melody said. "Let's get out of here!"
Looking around, they spotted a window and one after the other, climbed through. As soon as they were out of sight, they froze, listening as the door opened.
"Alright," The heard the voice of Detective Jonathan Smith. "Let's get to work. I'll check the filing cabinet, you check the safe and the drawers."
"Got it," Donna said. Foreman peeked over the window sill and saw the plucky detective cross over to the wall and pull a painting down, revealing a safe underneath. Twisting the knob, she opened it and began going through the contents.
"You know, it's pretty drafty in here," Detective Smith said. "Donna, could you close that window?"
"Yeah, Sure thing," Donna said. They heard the window above them close.
"Well, that was a close one," Foreman said.
"Yes, it was," Melody agreed. "Well, it's time I was off. I'll see you at the big reveal."
"Goodbye for now, Detective Malone," Foreman said as she took off. Then he reviewed the facts. Rory Williams had been working undercover as a nurse to locate Bad Wolf. Hmm. Maybe that had something to do with it. He would go to the hospital where Mr. Williams worked.
"Hello, my name is Doctor Jones," said a woman as she came towards Foreman. "You said you needed to speak to me about Rory Williams?"
"Yes, I did," Foreman said. "What can you tell me about Mr. Williams? Had he been doing anything... suspicious as of late?"
"As a matter of fact, he had been," Dr. Jones said. "Specifically, he kept going down to the basement. I don't know why. He just kept going down there."
"Hmm," Foreman said. "Thank you, Dr. Jones, you've been most helpful. Now, is it alright if I go poking around in the basement?"
"Of course," Dr. Jones said. Foreman smiled and thanked her, then he made his way to the basement.
"Well, this is very strange," Foreman said as he stepped off the elevator into the basement. There was a long narrow hallway, leading to who knows where, and the entire place looked deserted. It was quiet. Too quiet.
Foreman picked up a length of pipe that was lying on the ground, and he made his way down the hallway until he came to a door. There, he ran into something he didn't expect. A young woman, standing in the middle of the room, staring at him suspiciously.
"Who are you?" He asked the girl, who was holding a piece of pipe herself.
The girl frowned. "No," she said. "No, I'm not answering that just yet. Who are you? Only Rory comes down here. No doctors, no nurses, no cats... and definitely no joker in a fedora and a bowtie."
"Oh, where are my manners?" Foreman said, dropping the pipe and holding out his hand. "I'm Edgar Foreman, private detective."
"Oh, you're a detective?" The girl said, dropping her own pipe. "That's good, I suppose. Did Rory send you? He said we might have to call in the authorities on this one."
"No, unfortunately, Mr. Williams is in no position to send anybody anywhere," Foreman said. "Mr. Williams was murdered. I'm here to investigate."
"Murdered!?" The girl said. "Wha- how... What'chu mean, murdered?"
"Just what it sounds like," Foreman said. "Now, I'm sorry, but who are you again? It's very important that I know, especially if you knew Mr. Williams."
"My name?" The girl said. "My name is Rose Tyler."
According to Rose, she was an undercover agent, and had been working with Rory to uncover the identity of Bad Wolf. "Whenever we had new information, we would meet up in that room in the basement," she'd told him. "I had something to tell him, so I sent the signal and then I went down there to wait. He never came, but you showed up about a half-hour after I got there."
"What was the signal?" Foreman had asked.
"I would call the hospital, disguised as a Mrs. Hamil, and ask to have a message delivered to Nurse Williams that I had had an episode brought on by my salt deficiency, but was feeling better," Rose explained. "The person at the desk would contact him and give him the message, and then twenty minutes later, he would come down to the basement, and I would be there waiting for him with my information."
"What was his signal for you?" Foreman asked then.
"Does that really matter right now?" Rose asked. "If I remember correctly, we still have a murderer to catch."
"Right," Foreman said. "Right. Well then, if you were his contact, then you probably know who Bad Wolf is, right?"
"Unfortunately, no," Rose said. "I had some information on her, but I didn't know her true identity. However, I do know where two of her associates are, Jack Harkness and Mickey Smith. They trust me because I've been undercover, trying to get close to them. If you'd like, I can get the two of them to come out to the alley behind the hospital, and you can be there with the police, waiting for them. Maybe they'd be able to talk."
"Alright," Foreman said. "Meet me there in twenty minutes."
Foreman smiled as Rose came down the alley, followed by two men who could only be Bad Wolf's associates. As soon as they came close enough, Detective Jonathan Smith jumped out of his hiding spot and trained his taser on them. Donna Noble also jumped out, and Amelia walked coolly out from her spot and stood next to Foreman, followed by Miss Malone.
"Alright," Donna said. "Hands in the air! I'm talking to you, Jack! Get 'em up!"
She and Detective Smith started to handcuff the two men. "Thanks, Foreman," Detective Smith said. "Now if we could only catch Bad Wolf..."
"Oh, but I can," Foreman said with a smile. "That's why I called you all down here. I've figured it out! I know who Bad Wolf is."
"Really?" Amelia asked, looking impressed. Who is she?"
"It was all very simple, once I took a step back and thought things over," Foreman said. "I invited all of you over here personally, and not just because I wanted anyone to see how quickly I was able to capture two of Bad Wolf's associates. NO, I called you all out here because Bad Wolf... is one of the people standing here."
"What!?" Detective Smith said. "You mean, THE Bad Wolf is here, in this alley?"
"Yes," Foreman said, then he turned to Melody Malone. "You see, I was very suspicious of you," he said. "Because you knew that Mr. Williams is right-handed, but you also knew that his important information was in the left-hand drawer."
"Oh, but sweetie, you've got some problems with that logic," Melody said. "A lot of people keep their information in the left-hand drawer, and a lot of people are right-handed."
"Yes, but if you did know that the information on Bad Wolf was in the left-hand drawer," Foreman said. "Than you could have played a sleight of hand and swiped the missing page of information from right underneath my nose!"
"Are you saying that Detective Malone is Bad Wolf?" Detective Smith asked.
"Actually, no," Foreman said. "I just said I was suspicious. She's totally innocent. As far as this murder goes. I'm not sure about anything else. I suppose she might be a psychopath, really. But! Not this time. Then, I was suspicious of Doctor Martha Jones, because she was very eager to get me out of her hair and she was very quick to throw the suspicion onto someone else. But, as you can see, I didn't invite her here, so my suspicions were unfounded and I decided to just let her be. THEN I thought that it was Amelia Pond herself."
"What?" Amelia asked, glaring. "Why would I kill my own husband?"
"If you were Bad Wolf," Foreman said, smirking at her. "Than you would have killed him because you would have found out that he was an undercover agent looking for you, and you couldn't have that, now, could you?"
"But I didn't kill him," Amelia said. "I'm not this Bad Wolf person, I'd never even heard of her before tonight!"
"Again, I didn't say you were Bad Wolf," Foreman said. "I said I was suspicious. There's only one other person I invited here tonight that made me suspicious, and that person is, indeed, Bad Wolf!"
"Well, who is it?" Detective Smith asked.
"This person was clever," Foreman said. "Very, very clever. With her profession, no one would suspect her, not even the man she worked with! She could pretend to investigate, and use it as a cover to destroy all evidence. It was all a clever plan, really, pretending to be a friend of the victim so as to throw off any suspicions. But this particular suspect was not, in fact, a friend to Mr. Rory Williams. In fact, she never even met him."
Foremen smiled at Detective Malone in triumph. He had figured it out first. Then he turned to the suspect, the murderer, the one and only Bad Wolf. "Detective Donna Noble!" He said, pointing at the guilty one. Everyone gasped and looked at the woman, as she first looked caught, then guilty, then smug.
"Yes, I did it!" She said. "I couldn't stand knowing that he'd stolen my banana bread!"
Suddenly, logic flew out the window. "I'm sorry, what?" Foremen said, certain he'd heard wrong.
"Yes, he stole it right off my kitchen counter!" She yelled. "Along with the rest of the bananas! Yes! There are no bananas! There are no bananas today!"
Detective Smith looked shocked. "But, you were going to help me clean the pool!" He said. "I thought you were my friend!"
"I don't care about the donuts!" She yelled back. "And you can clean your own stupid pool! Who invites their apprentice to help do housework, anyway? A rubbish Detective, that's who!"
"Yeah, and we helped!" Mickey said, stepping forward and indicating Jack. "Doctor Donna promised us free mashed potatoes and gravy if we helped throw you off the trail."
"YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND!" Amy yelled, launching at Donna and hitting her with a pillow that had materialized out of nowhere.
"PILLOW FIGHT!" Rory yelled, grabbing one of his own and smacking Donna in the face. She laughed and before long, they were all having a grand old time in the TARDIS, all of them in ridiculous looking footie pajamas and eating popcorn.
"Wait just a moment!" Foreman said. "What is going on? I just solved the murder of the century!"
"You mean the Centurion," Melody Malone said. "And just wait a moment, he's coming."
"What!?" Foreman said. "Who's coming!?"
"Exactly." Suddenly, a loud groaning was heard, and a big blue London Police box appeared in the middle of the control room. The doors opened and Christopher Eccleston stepped out. "Oi!" He said. "Who stole my banana bread?"
"Rory did it!" Called Donna. Christopher frowned at the roman. Waitaminute, Roman!? Yes, Rory was now dressed in Roman garb.
"Why would you steal my banana bread?" Christopher asked. "Bananas are good!"
"He didn't do it, I did!" Amy said from atop her horse.
"What are you doing on a – Oh wait, is- Yes, that's my horse!" Detective Smith said.
"You're not keeping the horse," Rose said exasperatedly. Ten pouted. "I let you keep Mickey!" He said.
"No! This was not how it was supposed to end!" Foremen shouted. "I solved the crime of the century, and don't you say Centurion, Miss Melody Malone!"
"Why not?" She said. "Besides, why do you care?"
"Because!" He shouted. "None of this makes any sense! Everything was going just as I planned, and now there are pillows, and a horse, and banana bread, and Rory's alive again, and how on earth does Christopher Eccleston fit into all this?"
"I don't know," said the Master, standing behind Foremen. "It's your dream, how about you tell us?"
"The Master!?" Foremen yelled. "I thought you were dead!"
"Oh," The Master said, frowning. "So I guess the Tenissfuin hasn't happened yet."
"The Ten- what!?" He yelled.
"Oh, Sweetie," River said, smiling sweetly. "Spoilers!"
The Master grinned. "Couldn't have said it better myself," he said, holding his arm out to River. "Shall we go, Doctor Song?"
"We shall," she said, taking his arm. "But first…"
She pulled a blaster out of her holster and with expert marksmanship, shot the fedora clean off Foremen's head. "Wha-" He started, reaching up and feeling his wild brown hair. "You shot my fedora!" He yelled.
"Yes, I did," River said. "You and your hats!" Turning around, she paused. "Oh, and sweetie..." she said. "Count the birds." Then she and the Master turned and walked away.
"But-" Foremen said, watching as everyone continued attacking each other with pillows happily. "But I solved it!" No one paid any attention to him; they just laughed and began dancing around the TARDIS console.
"NO!" Foremen shouted loudly. "NO, SHE'S THE MURDERER! LOOK, DONNA DID IT! DETECTIVE SMITH! DETECTIVE, IT WAS HER!"
Detective Smith ignored him and led the others in a loud chorus of Kumbaya.
"IT WAS HER! SHE DID IT! SHE'S THE MURDERER!" Foremen yelled, trying to get the rowdy crowd to listen. "IT WAS MISS NOBLE! SHE DID IT! SHE KILLED RORY WILLIAMS! SHE'S THE MURDERER! LISTEN TO ME! SHE'S THE MURDERER! SHE DID IT!"
"Doctor!" A voice shouted, but Foremen ignored it. He wasn't a doctor.
"NO! LISTEN! IT WAS HER! SHE KILLED HIM! SHE'S THE MURDERER!"
"Doctor!" The voice shouted with more urgency then before. Was that Miss Pond? No, she was singing with the rest of the crazies. Foremen tried again.
"IT WAS DONNA! SHE'S THE BAD WOLF! SHE'S THE MURDERER! LISTEN! SHE KILLED HIM! SHE DID IT!"
"Doctor!" Amy shouted, and the Doctor sat up with a gasp. He had been dreaming. How on earth had he been dreaming? He let out a laugh and turned to Amy and Rory, who were looking at him with concern.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Did I wake you?"
"Yeah, you did," Amy said, annoyed. "You kept on screaming 'She did it' and 'she's the murderer.' What on earth were you dreaming about?"
"Oh, it was the strangest thing," the Doctor said. "It started out with me being a private eye, and getting the call that someone had been murdered…"
And he began to tell them the strange tale.