A/N - Don't own Call the Midwife or associated characters, just borrowing them for a little bit :) Hope you enjoy:
The Pain It Costs
You have always been different.
The thought comes once more, as cold and uninviting as the marble beneath your fingertips. It's been lingering in your mind all day - ever since the talk at lunch about another man being arrested. A queer. A freak. You twist the taps, releasing a burst of hot water, and you recall the look on Delia's face. She had left the table graciously, and without suspicion. Oh, how you had wanted to follow her, but there was still work to be done and there was no excuse to be found. So, you had sat there listening, feigning interest and nodding at all the right places until Sister Julienne had ushered you all back to your bicycles. It was the talk of the town, of course, so you had found no respite from the topic on your rounds.
The taps groan as the water stops and you raise your head to meet your steam covered reflection. You swipe your palm across the glass. Tired blue eyes come into focus. You wonder if people knew, would they talk about you in much the same way? As someone to be treated with disdain and contempt? Would the friends you live and work with abandon you - never to trust you or look at you in the same way again?
For a fleeting moment, you wonder if perhaps you'd deserve such treatment. You've spent your whole life living a lie - hiding in shadows and biting your tongue. Sometimes it was outright; like finding certain gentlemen attractive, whilst other times it was more by omission and allowing others to assume things without correcting them. However subtle your dishonesty, it still left an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach, each and every time. Trying to push the memories away, you reach for the soap and close your eyes. You've become so adept at wearing a mask that perhaps they would be right to look at you differently if you were to take it off. You're not sure if you would recognise yourself either. Oh, what you'd give at times to be normal. To love as others do.
As the water splashes against your cheeks, you sigh loudly. You mustn't dwell on such feelings of guilt and insecurity. You massage the days troubles away, along with your mascara, and you remind yourself of what Delia often tells you - that it is society that is in the wrong - not you. If only they would open their hearts and stop judging once in a while, the world would be a better place.
"Pats?" Her voice calls to you from the doorway, barely a whisper.
You reach for the towel and simultaneously reach for the plug. You open your eyes in time to see the remainder of the water swirling it's way into oblivion down the drain. Once more, your reflection stares at you, now wearing a faint smile.
"Coming." You call back.
She takes your hand at the doorway with hesitancy and a brief check over her shoulder. You smile broadly as your fingers entwine, and lose yourself in her eyes. For a brief moment, you could care less if you are seen together. Still, to be on the safe side Delia leads you in silence to the bedroom, a nightly ritual of stealth.
Being different will always be hard and the pain of judgement will always haunt you, that much you know for sure. But in moments like this, you no longer yearn to love as others do, or to fit in and be normal. It doesn't matter when you're together what anybody else thinks, because you have each other.
You're content to love as you do - and it's worth every second.
Thanks for reading, be gentle, I'm new ;) xx