Only Idiots Give Cards
By: Lynn-sama
Disclaimer: I don't own anything and I'm not making anything off of this.
Description: [Short one shot] Deidara never celebrated Valentines Day before and it was a stupid idea for him to even start now. Nonsmut/Fluff/Angsty one sided DeiXTobi
Authors Note: Early Valentine's Day present for my Tobi, enjoy despite the angst XD 3
Today was Valentines Day. It wasn't one of Deidara's worse days in his life, but it wasn't one he was use to celebrating.
"What exactly should I do un?" Deidara mumbled uncomfortably to the blue swordsman. Kisame just stared at him like the blonde had grown an extra head.
"You want to do something…for Valentines Day?"
Deidara only squirmed under the others eyes, feeling distinctly uncomfortable. He had never bothered with stupid mushy things before. He was a killer, not a serenading love struck poet.
"Huh… Didn't think you had someone you were interested in." The shark scratched the back of his head slightly.
"Shut up, I don't! I just want to know what you do alright un!" Deidara snapped, regretting his decision to even ask.
"Alright alright, don't get your panties in a twist kid. Shesh. Just get them a present, some candy, flowers, take them to dinner, do something nice."
Deidara looked physically ill.
"Something so extravagant un…?"
"You can get a card…?"
And that was the beginning of the card hunt. It was worse than clay hunting. Deidara tended to be a picky bomber. He liked the best clay money could buy. And that's probably why the "great hunt", as Deidara had nick-named the mission, for a card became so difficult. He couldn't decide. None of them were right. It was too flashy, too mushy, too….disgusting.
Every card made the blonde's stomach turn. There was nothing that suited him, nothing that suited his need. His eagerness soon turned bitter and his enthusiasm for the hunt became sour.
"Kisame…"
"Mhp?" Was the only noise the blue haired man could make around a mouthful of sardines.
"I can't find a card un," The blonde muttered angrily under his breath, so quiet the other couldn't even understand what was going on.
"Hmp?" Kisame raises an eyebrow. Deidara gritted his teeth angrily.
"I said I can't find a card un!"
Kisame swallowed.
"Why didn't you just say so kid?"
Kisame sported a black eye for a week. The sight made Deidara bask in pride at his own artistic handiwork. He was also pleased that now he had a solution to his "great hunt". It was so simple he was almost offended that he hadn't thought of it first. He was an artist after all, so why not MAKE a card?
It was only later Deidara realized; he just wasn't made for making Valentines Day cards. He could make bombs that left half a town in ruins, yes but Valentines Day cards, no. The glue was too sticky and the sparkles were too sparkly. Everything was just…wrong.
"This is stupid un…" He muttered, narrowing his eyes as he stared at the slightly wrinkled and ripped card with a clumsy looking heart cut out messily glued to the middle. The blonde's insides sank slightly as he reached out, trying to smooth the wrinkled paper.
He was supposed to be an artist. It was suppose to be beautiful, the perfect card. But wasn't. It was quite possibly the worse card Deidara had ever seen. But it wouldn't matter, he decided after a moment.
Kisame said everyone liked a card on Valentine's Day, even if it was disgusting or mushy. That probably went for ugly cards too with sticky glue, blinding sparkles and lopsided cut out hearts. Besides… it really kind of fitted the situation. Deidara beamed.
"Whats that?"
Deidara's hands fled behind his back as he glared at the white haired man in front of him.
"Get out of my way Hidan un!"
The man craned his neck to peer over the others shoulder before wrinkling his nose in disgust.
"Is that a fucking Valentine's Day card?" Hidan gave the blonde a look of disbelief. "I should have known. Of all the fuckers around here, you'd be the one who'd go and do something disgusting and sappy like that."
Deidara's face turned red and his fingers clenched around the already severely wrinkled card.
"Shut up! Move un!"
"Who's it for huh?" Hidan's face became malicious as he stared at the embarrassed blonde. "Certainly not weasel face…unless there's something there we don't know about. You letting him fuck you up the ass Barbie boy?"
"Fuck you Hidan! You're disgusting un!" The blonde felt his stomach turn at the mere thought of being that close to the Uchiha.
"You're stupid you know?" The religious man studied his nails for a moment, observing a slight chip in the polish before glancing at him from under his lashes. "You think anyone gives a fuck about anyone else here? No one else is as stupid as you, dumbass. You honestly expect one of these fuckers to sweep you off your feet in love? You're a real sick fuck you know?" He let out a laugh.
Deidara didn't answer, his stomach turning harder than before. He knew the other was right and now he felt rather small and pathetic. It had been a bad idea. He had never celebrated this stupid holiday before. Why had he even thought this was a good idea?
"Don't answer then, you rude fucker." Hidan sneered slightly. "I'll find out who you gave it to at lunch anyway. You think any of these fuckers would keep such a fucking hilarious thing a secret? Everyone's gonna know you're nothing but a little pussy shit. Making a Valentine's Day card, hah!"
The blonde shoved past him angrily, ignoring the others barked laugh that followed him down the hall. Fuck this. Hidan was right. He was a fucking little pussy shit. He had never been so embarrassed in all his life. Ok well that wasn't exactly true, he had never been so embarrassed in his life when he was captured by the Akatsuki. So technically this was the second time he was so embarrassed he could barely breath.
"Senpai!"
"Fuck un." He slid back against the wall, pressing his hands behind him as he closed his eyes to block the sight of his masked partner bouncing to a stop in front of him.
"There you are! I've been looking for you all day senpai! Have you been hiding? I told you to get out and get some more fresh air. You're looking kind of pale…"
"What do you want un?" Deidara grunted, cracking open an eye to attempt a glare at the other man.
"I wanted to show senpai my card!" A brilliantly red and Pepto-Bismol pink sparkly card was shoved in front of Deidara's face. His heart sank as both eyes popped open to take in the unwrinkled paper. There was no sticky glue, blinding sparkles or lopsided cut out hearts on it. It was perfect.
"Zetsu-senpai gave it to me! Isn't it so pretty? It's so thoughtful of him to remember to give me a Valentine's Day card."
Deidara tried to swallow but his mouth felt like someone had shoved a whole package of cotton inside. His fingers clenched and he felt the paper, moist from his sweaty palms rip slightly from the force of his clenching.
"See look here, it even says To a Good Boy, that's me senpai, love Zetsu!"
"Oh…" Deidara croaked. Even the hand writing was perfect… What the hell was he thinking..?
"You look really bad senpai, are you sick? You should go lay down if you're sick. Tobi knows how it feels, when you get real sick and your tummy is all ew and then you start sniffling and sneezing. It's no good! You need to get some rest if you feel like that senpai!"
"You're right, I need to lay down. So move asshole un!" Deidara forced out between his lips before shoving the other out of his way with a trembling hand to rush down the hall.
"Have a good rest senpai!" The masked man called cheerfully down the hall, oblivious to the rude way he was treated.
It had been a stupid idea. He should have never even thought it was something someone like him could do. Deidara was a killer. He didn't fall in love with people. And he certainly didn't make them Valentine's Day cards.
"You're ugly," He told the card, his eyes narrowing as he stared down at the card. The messy glue and lopsided heart stared back at him innocently. Deidara glared angrily at his own messy hand writing sprawled across the wrinkled ripped card.
'To a stupid idiot who wears an ugly orange mask,
Happy Valentine's Day dumbass un.
Love,
Senpai'
His throat tightened uncomfortably, before he grasped the card, ripping it to shreds. The pieces fell harmlessly from between his fingers, fluttering to the floor. Deidara's blue eyes swept over the red and pink pieces of ruined paper and he suddenly felt tears prick his eyes.
"Fuck…" He let out a shaking breath, pressing the heels of his hands firmly into his watering eyes to stop the tears that threatened to fall.
He was Deidara, he told himself firmly as he desperately tried to stop his eyes from watering.
He was a ninja. A killer, he murdered people.
He. Did. Not. Fall. In. Love.
Especially to cute..goofy…dumbasses like Tobi
"So," Hidan smirked at Deidara across the table at lunch time. "Who did that fucking blonde pussy over there give his Valentine's Day card to?"
Silence flooded the table as all the eyes of his fellow Akatsuki landed on Deidara. The blonde didn't even bat an eye as he took another bite of his sandwich, chewing casually.
"….You had a Valentine's Day card Deidara?" Konan asked slowly, her brow arching as she stared hard at the blonde.
Deidara swore he heard Itachi snort and the sound made his eye tic slightly.
"Don't be a dumbass Konan. Only a stupid idiot gives a card on Valentines Day un."