Project H and the Half-Blood Prince
By Panicattack/ Project H
Author's Note: This will be released in five parts, with each part coming hopefully about two weeks after the last. Also, this first part sucks, but it gets better from here.
Part 1
*Train station*
Harry: *Reading a newspaper*
Waitress: *Reads front cover* Who's Harry Potter?
Harry: No one. Bit of a git really
Waitress: Looks like it from that picture. Freckly little glasses-wearing git
Harry: Well he's not all bad...
Waitress: Nerdy wimp-faced dork
Harry: Just get me my damn cappuccino!
Dumbledore: Harry, what on earth are you doing at a train station?
Harry: Passing the time. You never know when you'll find a hidden platform
Dumbledore: You really need a girlfriend
Harry: I could say the same for you. Have you noticed how my school holidays also seem to be a holiday for every troublesome aspect of my life? I haven't done anything anti-Voldemort in months
Dumbledore: Take my arm
Harry: You really need a girlfriend *Grabs Dumbledore's arm, it breaks off*
Dumbledore: Oh, not that one. I'll explain later *Apparates into street*
Harry: *Apparates into rubbish bin* Thanks for that
Dumbledore: Well done, most people vomit the first time
Harry: *Looking down into bin* Yes, I can see that
*Mysterious house*
Harry: Isn't this breaking and entering?
Dumbledore: We haven't broken anything
Harry: You broke my heart by not writing all summer
Dumbledore whispering: Horace?
Harry: I guess that makes you a Horace Whisperer? Get it?
Dumbledore: *Pokes chair*
Chair: *Turns into man*
Harry: Hmm, have you ever seen a muggle show called Transformers?
Dumbledore: Can't say I have. Harry, meet Horace Slughorn. Horace, I can't help but think you were expecting company
Slughorn: Oh, you saw the baby oil in the hallway?
Dumbledore:...no. You were hiding
Slughorn: Oh yes. The Death Eaters have been trying to recruit me for over a year. You can only say 'no' so many times, and I don't want to offend them
Dumbledore: Will you come back to Hogwarts?
Slughorn: No
Dumbledore: Will you come back to Hogwarts?
Slughorn: No
Dumbledore: You can only say 'no' so many times, and I'm becoming offended. May I use the loo? I haven't been in fifteen minutes *Walks out of the room*
Slughorn: I knew your parents, Harry. You look just like your father, though you've got your mother's-
Harry: Eyes
Slughorn: I was going to say child-bearing hips, but yes you have her eyes too. She was one of my students. All those photographs are of my students. Barnabus Cuffe, editor of the Daily Prophet, always takes my letters. Gwenog Jones, captain of the Holyhead Harpies, free Quidditch tickets whenever I want them. Arnold MacArthur, head guard at Azkaban, I get first choice of organs from execution victims
Dumbledore: Well I can see this is a lost cause. Come Harry, we've got other washed-up ex-teachers to visit. Who knows, maybe even Lupin will get a look in
Slughorn: Alright, I'll do it! But I want a pay rise, and a larger office, and all the chocolate fudge I can eat
Dumbledore: No to all of those
Slughorn: Deal
*Harry and Dumbledore leave*
Dumbledore: I have something to ask of you, Harry. Horace has something I need
Harry: Does this have anything to do with his collection of students?
Dumbledore: You're everything Horace looks for; famous, powerful, and with no idea of how to file a restraining order
Harry: You want me to let him collect me?
Dumbledore: That's what I'm asking
Harry: So once again you're placing me in a situation in which I'm uncertain and uncomfortable?
Dumbledore: I love the way our relationship works
*The Burrow*
Ginny: Mum, when did Harry get here?
Mrs Weasley: Well Ginny, 16 years ago Harry's parents came together in a very special way...
Ginny: No no, not that. I meant tonight
Mrs Weasley: Well your father and I have been trying some unusual new techniques...
Ginny: When did Harry Potter arrive here tonight?
Mrs Weasley: When did...what?
Harry: Hello
Ron: Harry?
Hermione: Harry?
Harry: Hermione? Why is it you always get here before me?
Hermione: Ron abducts me at the start of each holiday break. I don't mind; I get a fresh bowl of water and carrot every morning. It beats most summers I've had
Harry: I know what you mean *Takes his carrot and walks upstairs*
*Dark street*
Bellatrix: Cissy!
Narcissa: I can't tell you how much I hate that nickname. Call me Narry while we're at Snape's
Bellatrix: He can't be trusted. You can't trust anyone who lives in shared accommodation
Narcissa: The Dark Lord trusts him
Bellatrix: The Dark Lord trusted that Nigerian Prince that offered him millions
Narcissa: Shut up. That transaction is still going through, have some faith *Knocks on door*
Pettigrew: For the last time, we are not looking for a personal saviour
Bellatrix: It's Bellatrix
Pettigrew: Bellatrix is our saviour? I knew it!
Bellatrix: Oh for God's sake *Pushes way into house*
Pettigrew: *On knees* Oh great Bellatrix, what is it you request of your loyal servant?
Bellatrix: Go and stick your head in a fireplace
Pettigrew: It would be my pleasure *Leaves*
Narcissa: I need your assistance, Severus
Snape: I am aware of your situation, Narry
Bellatrix: The Dark Lord told you?
Snape: He tells me everything. Me and Prince Jajaweena of Ibadan, Nigeria
Narcissa: Draco's in trouble
Snape: I hear it's lovely this time of year. Tell him to take plenty of pictures, and that no doubt I'll be joining him there soon
Narcissa: Will you swear to protect him?
Bellatrix: Unbreakable vow!
Snape: Gesundheit
Bellatrix: Without the unbreakable vow, it's just simple words. Simple, beautiful, baritone words. And when it matters most, he'll just slither back into his hole. His simple, beautiful, baritone hole
Snape: Take out your wand
Bellatrix: Do you, Severus Snape, swear to watch over and protect Draco as he performs the Dark Lord's task?
Snape: I will
Bellatrix: And if Draco should fail, will you yourself carry out this deed?
Snape: I will
Bellatrix: And if we're 60 and both still single, can we just move in together and pretend to be married?
Snape: Make it 70, and you'll just be my live-in girlfriend
Bellatrix: Deal
Pettigrew: *With soot on his face* What do you require of me now, oh saviour?
Bellatrix: Go and stick your head in the fireplace again. Only this time, light the fire first!
*Diagon Alley, outside Weasley Wizard Wheezes*
Hermione: Love potions seem like an odd product for them to sell. They're not even funny
Harry: They will be when I give one vial to Umbridge and the other to Dobby
Ron: I didn't get to buy anything. Let's go back in
Harry: I've got a more fun idea. Let's follow Malfoy down a dark alley
Ron: I thought that wasn't planned until next weekend
*Hogwart's Express*
Harry: So we saw Malfoy looking at a cabinet in Borgin and Burkes. He then went to the toilet without washing his hands, put on his rubber ducky pyjamas and spoke about some sort of giant chocolate monster in his sleep. I'm telling you, he's involved with the Death Eaters
Hermione: And I'm telling you we should have stopped following him after he left Knockturn Alley
Harry: It makes perfect sense. Draco has replaced his father. Hermione saw it with her own eyes. Ron, you were busy staring at Hermione
Hermione: I told you, I don't know what I saw
Ron: Well I loved everything I saw
Harry: I need some air *Leaves compartment*
Hermione: So he moves further away from the window?
*Draco's compartment, which incidentally is what he called his home-made adult film*
Draco: Hogwarts. Who would have thought a school with such a respectable name would be so vile
Blaise: *Sniggers*
Draco: Something funny, Blaise? You realise you're only here to make Slytherin look more diverse
*Train arrives*
Draco: You two go on. I want to check on something
Pansy: OK. But remember, you promised to tell me about that role you've got for me in Draco's Compartment
Draco: We're actually calling it 'Salazar Slithers In' now
Pansy: *Leaves*
Draco: *Locks doors and windows* Didn't mummy ever tell you not to put on an invisibility cloak, hide in a luggage rack but then give away your location by moving a bag within earshot of the person you're spying on?
Harry: Just the once
Draco: Petrificus totalus! *Reveals Harry* You should really nose better *Breaks Harry's nose*. Enjoy your ride back to London, and good luck getting a pillow or bag of peanuts *Leaves*
Luna: Hello Harry
Harry: Luna! I haven't been this happy to see mentally questionable social outcast since the first time I met Ron
*School gates*
Flitwick: About time. I've been looking all over for you two
Harry: You don't appear to have looked anywhere beyond the gates themselves
Flitwick: Shut up
Filch: *Inspecting Draco's luggage* A cane?
Draco: It's a walking stick. I injured my knee kicking our house elf
Filch: Muggle video camera with night-vision?
Draco: I like to go bird-watching. At night
Filch: Whips and fluffy hand-cuffs?
Draco: Sometimes the birds get out of control. *Sees Harry* Nice face, Potter
Filch:...what?
Draco: He's got the...I mean look at his...forget it
Luna: Would you like me to fix your nose for you, Harry? Personally, I think you look a bit more devil-may-care this way. Really, rough and rugged. All manly and tough, sweaty and hot, like you're getting ready to grab hold of a girl and really-
Harry: OK! Fix the nose
Luna: *Points wand at Harry* Oculus explodo!
Harry: *Face explodes* Damn it! What is it with that spell?
*Great Hall*
Hermione: How can you be eating when Harry's missing?
Ron: I'm eating in his honour. Besides, it's Harry. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't missing
Hermione: That doesn't even make sense
Ron: Don't worry, here he comes. And good news, he's covered in blood
Ginny: Why is it he's always covered in a bodily fluid?
Ron: Why is it you talk like a sex offender around him?
Ginny: Shut up, it's how I flirt
Hermione: Where have you been? What happened to your face?
Harry: What happened to your face? Oh, you were born like that. Booyah!
Dumbledore: A very good evening to you all. First off, we welcome Horace Slughorn to his old post as Potions master. He's certainly not stupid enough to be the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. And we welcome Professor Snape to the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. That'll teach him to use my deodorant. Now, onto more important matters. There was once a student much like you who sat in this very hall. He was exceptionally intelligent, he once a caught a fat, bearded student who was hiding a giant spider, and totally scored with that hot piece of Ravenclaw tail Felicity Whittaker. Who, despite her reputation, rarely put out. Just ask Flitwick. That boy's name was Tom Riddle, or Two-inch Tom as Miss Whittaker named him after he never returned her calls. Anyway, my point is that you're all very likely to die this year, so hit on some Ravenclaws while you've got the chance. Have a great year
*Potion's class*
Slughorn:...and so I said to the headmaster, "those students had serious burns when I got here". Oh Harry, welcome
Harry: Sorry professor, but I don't have any books, equipment, or any sort of ability with potions
Slughorn: That's OK, neither does Ron
Harry: Oh yeah, and neither does...oh, you know about that?
Slughorn: Just in regard to the last one. Get two books from the cupboard and join the rest of the class
Harry: Ron, I think you should take the tatty and worn-out one; it's more what you're used to
Ron: Well I guess it's only fair – Look! Parents!
Harry: What? Where?
Ron: *Grabs book* My mistake, it was only Sheamus
Slughorn: I prepared some dangerous concoctions this morning. And ideas what these might be?
Hermione: That one's Amortentia, the most powerful love potion in the world. It's rumoured to smell differently to each person according to what attracts them. I can smell freshly mown grass, new parchment and...stupidity
Ron: *Eating from a jar labelled 'newts'* What'd she say?
Slughorn: Amortentia doesn't create actual love; only alcohol can do that. That last potion is Felix Felicis. Liquid luck. One sip and you will find that all your endeavours succeed. Except, ironically, brewing new Felix Felicis. I am offering one vial to the student today who can brew the best Draught of the Living Death
Harry: He's offering a potion that makes us succeed at everything we do as a prize for brewing the most fatal concoction? I mean, if Avada Kedavra is illegal, why on earth would we be taught how to brew a potion that's lethal?
Slughorn: Well maybe a certain teacher likes to have lethal potions lying around when it comes time to negotiate his salary. Get to work
*Students start working*
Hermione: Harry, how did you get yours to look like that?
Harry: My book says to crush the roots, not cut them
Hermione: No, the instructions say to cut
Harry: My book also says "Shut up, Hermione"
Hermione: It does not
Harry: No, it actually does. Look here *Shows book to Hermione*
Hermione:...oh
Slughorn: Harry, this is perfect. But enough about my new haircut, let's take a look at this potion *Drops in leaf*
Leaf: *Dies*
Slughorn: Merlin's beard! It's so perfect I daresay one drop would kill us all. I'll be getting that dental plan for sure. And as promised, here's your Felix Felicis *Hands Harry vial*. Use it well. May I suggest taking a swig now and heading off to the Ravenclaw tower, wink wink
TO BE CONTINUED...