AN: I had to update this story a million times before it posted correctly, saying it was infuriating is an understatement. I'm going to try and have all fanfics updated by the end of this week. For the thousandth time thank you Karen for all your help on this. Please read, review and enjoy!
She knew they had never known she was listening. The conversation had happened years ago, so long ago Olivia vaguely remembered what words had been shared between Kathleen and Bernie. She wasn't sure what caused the memory to suddenly stir into her mind, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't rid herself of it.
Kathleen had asked Bernie if her father hated her. Olivia couldn't see the teenager's face, but by the tone in her voice she understood just how broken she was.
It was Bernie's response to Kathleen's question that echoed in her head.
"No he doesn't hate you. Believe me, if he did he'd walk right out of your life."
Olivia knew all too well just how true her words were. Elliot had walked right out of Bernie's life. He wanted a more reserved, conventional mother, not a bipolar one.
He had also walked right out of Olivia's life.
She remembered just how sad she had felt the day she found out he had put in his papers. After twelve long years he had finally had enough.
She knew this time around things would be different. He had killed a girl his own daughter's age. Things would never go back to how they were. No amount of therapy would help him. From the moment Olivia saw Elliot pull the trigger she knew he was gone. Once that bullet hit Jenna Fox Olivia knew that with her death a part of Elliot died too.
Sadly a part of her died as well.
Elliot left right after giving his statement. Olivia tried to soothe him, but her words didn't help. He pushed her away constantly, with his words, his actions; but that never stopped Olivia. She knew she had to fight for what she loved. And she loved Elliot Stabler.
They didn't talk for days. Cragen ordered that they both take the rest of the week off. Olivia was more than surprised when she walked into the precinct, bright and early on that Monday morning expecting to see her partner deep into another case file. He wouldn't make eye contact with her or even pick up his head. He would need to lose himself in the crime in front of him, because every second that he spent not working just served as a constant reminder of that sixteen-year-old girl he murdered.
Except he wasn't there.
His desk wasn't completely empty; the photos of his children and wife, along with a picture of him with Olivia, were still on his desk. But there wasn't an open case file along with a cup of coffee. His jacket wasn't hanging off the back of his chair. She could tell that he hadn't been to work since last Tuesday.
She brushed off his absence, honestly thinking nothing off it.
It was when Cragen asked to see her in his office that she felt her chest tighten. She had her doubts. She knew his words before he even spoke them.
"Elliot put his papers in." Cragen said softly, "There was nothing I could do."
She was sure she was dreaming. It couldn't have been happening. They were supposed to leave Special Victims, either as friends, or husband and wife. Not separately, and certainly not without saying goodbye. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't let Cragen see just how hurt she was. Her mind was lost for a moment; she took a deep breath before speaking.
"He's earned it." It was all she could think to say.
And it was beyond true.
Elliot had given more to Special Victims than any other detective she knew. He had risked his marriage, his kids hating him, his health, his friendships – everything. He had given the job twelve good years of his life. After twelve years the desire to get rid of the scum of the earth had faded. With every rapist they had gotten off the streets, there had always been one more. It had all become too much. After twelve years he and Olivia hadn't even scratched the surface, they could believe what they wanted but they hadn't really made a difference.
"Kathy's going to come in and get the rest of his things."
Olivia nodded expressing that she understood his words.
"He just can't face coming back here." Cragen said.
Olivia said nothing as she walked stoically from Cragen's office, hating herself a little more with each step she took. She had never told Elliot how she felt merely out of fear that he didn't feel the same way. The looks and touches over the years, that she read more into she feared he thought nothing of.
It wasn't until Olivia got home that the news really hit her.
She would have to get a new partner.
It would probably be one of those rookies she saw earlier that day, pacing around the precinct like lost little puppies. The two young detectives shared the same desire, drive and foolishness that filled Elliot and Olivia when they first started in '98. It wouldn't take too long before they'd become just as burned out as she had.
They'd regret putting the job before their personal lives. They'd hate themselves for never finding love or having children or a family.
Just like she had.
The more thought she gave it the sadder she grew, because she could have had her happy ending if she had just spoken up and told him.
But he had a wife and a family already.
Without even realizing it, she was in her car, driving. She had in her hands a picture of her and Elliot, one of her favorites from the collection of photos they had taken over years. Her hair was clipped back. She was laughing, holding a two year old Eli in her hands. Elliot was beside her smiling down at her. Both of their hands were covered in paint. Olivia's smile grew wider as she thought of the memory.
Elliot had invited her to go on a run with him. His initial choice had been Kathy, but she had been mad at him. Olivia had figured it was for something stupid, he had probably forgotten to take out the trash or something. She hadn't argued with him and had happily agreed. She had been surprised when she had met up with him at Avril Park and he had Eli with him. He hadn't mentioned anything about his son joining their run. She had smiled as she watched Elliot play with the little boy, planting tickles and kisses all over him.
"Change of plans, we haven't had a day together in so long so," Elliot picked up the blue duffle bag that was on the ground next to the blanket he had nicely laid out over the prickly grass. He put Eli down, letting him help as they opened the bag revealing its contents to Olivia.
Bottles of paints, stencils, sheets of construction paper and other art supplies laid sprawled across the blanket. "It was Eli's idea." Elliot said with a smile. "So you still up for it?" Elliot asked.
Olivia's response was only a smile.
It wasn't too long before Olivia found herself standing outside of Elliot's house. His car was parked outside, so she knew he was home. She wanted to barge right in, demanding he explain his actions.
But the door was locked, so Olivia was forced to knock.
She was surprised when Kathy answered the door. Her tired eyes looking up at Olivia. Kathy's voice was soft, and Olivia could see she was suppressing a yawn as she spoke.
"Olivia what are you doing here so late?"
"I need to see Elliot." Olivia caressed the corners of the photo, holding in the tears that were threatening to fall down. Her tears would show that she cared too much, undoubtedly revealing her love for Elliot to his wife.
"He's not home. Bernie's sick. He's down in California taking care of her. He'll be back sometime next week." Kathy paused, finally releasing the yawn she had held in, "Didn't he tell you?" She asked with a puzzled look.
"No." Olivia said softly, "I'm sorry for coming here." She tried to hold her tears in but it was a battle she couldn't win. "He put his papers in Kathy." Olivia said, her voice cracking. Kathy knew what he had done, and she knew that he had entertained the thought of retiring far too often for him to not eventually act on it.
"It's his life. He has to do what's right for him, what's right for his family." Kathy's voice grew louder as she spoke, "You know, you're really selfish. He doesn't owe you anything. I'm his wife, not you." Kathy slammed the door shut before Olivia had a chance to respond to her hurtful words.
Although Olivia hated to admit it, Kathy was right. Elliot didn't owe her a damn thing. He had risked his life countless times to save her. He had protected her. And even though he never said it, she knew he loved her. Because too her that's what love was.
Olivia shifted uncomfortably in the wooden chair she sat in. She let her shoeless feet play in the sand. She took in deep breaths allowing the California air to fill her lungs. She felt his hands on her shoulder, knowing already who it was before he even spoke.
"How are you holding up?" Brian asked.
"I'm fine." Olivia said, her voice a little more irritable than she intended, "I don't even know why I was invited. I barely knew Bernie."
"I know." Brian said soothingly, not knowing what else to say.
Olivia sat up from her seat, releasing the breath she had been unknowingly holding inside her. "I bet the only reason he invited me here is because Kathy and the kids wouldn't come." She adjusted her black dress, picking off the grains of sand that had somehow found their way onto the cotton fabric. "I'm going to get a drink."
Brian grabbed Olivia's hand firmly, "Liv, are you sure that's the best idea?"
"Don't." Olivia said pulling her hand from Brian's, "I am not my mother."
In no time Olivia found herself throwing back her second glass of wine. She enjoyed the subtlety of the drink, it gave her the buzz she needed without revealing the sadness within picked at her food. Wanting nothing more than to be back in Manhattan helping to put away some rapist or pedophile.
But instead she was at Bernie's funeral.
She wouldn't even had known that she had passed if it hadn't been for the call Elliot gave her two weeks ago informing her of his mother's suicide.
Olivia had sat comfortably at her desk, the fact that she was now commanding officer still unreal to her. She had entertained the thought on a few occasions, but she had never thought it would really happen. Both Cragen and Munch's retirements, although expected, had seemed so spontaneous to her. They were significantly older than her and had been working Special Victims for over thirty years. But still, as she found herself hanging up her college degree and placing a framed photo of her and Brian on her desk, she couldn't believe it.
"Sarge," Nick said with a smile as he knocked on the already opened door. He paused, looking up at the older woman, his smile slowly fading, "It's weird seeing you in here."
"I know," Olivia grabbed another degree she had gotten running her fingers along the frame, "I can't tell you how many times I remember Cragen yelling for me to come in here so he could set me straight." She smiled as she thought of the memories – all the times Cragen had to rip her a new one.
"You'll do great." Nick said, his smile more genuine than before, "I don't know anyone better fit for this job or anyone who deserves it as much as you."
Before Olivia could thank him her phone rang, she smile sincerely before motioning for Nick to leave.
"Benson."
At first all she heard was silence, she repeated the word "hello" at least three times, hoping for some sort of response. She was about to hang up the phone when she heard his choked voice.
"Liv," He began, "its Elliot."
She almost wanted to chuckle at the fact that he felt the need to introduce himself, as if she wouldn't recognize his voice, A voice that she had heard nearly every day for twelve years. A voice she hadn't heard in almost three years. A voice she had missed.
"El, I-" Olivia ran her fingers through her hair, trying to find her words. After three years without speaking she figured the first words she would say to him if they ever spoke again would be nothing more than colorful expletives. But instead she found herself wondering how he was, wondering just how much things had changed. "How have you been?"
"My mom killed herself." Elliot said softly, "She was getting older and you know how flamboyant she can be at times." He paused letting the receiver fill with nothing more than his light breathing, "Her doctors started her on this new medication to help with her anxiety, but it just made her depressed. She already hadn't been feeling well lately. She had an acute heart attack three years ago; I've been trying to spend as much time as I can with her. I didn't know things were this bad."
"I'm so sorry."
"Liv, I really need you. I don't have any one. Kathy's gone, my kids hate me. She was all I had left."
"Of course Elliot I'll be there, anything you need." She smiled into the phone, "It feels so good to hear your voice."
"I've missed you too Liv." She didn't need to say it, he knew. That she had missed him more than words, more than she had ever intended too.
They both stayed in a comfortable silence, simply listening to one another's breaths through the phone.
It wasn't until Amanda knocked on the door that Olivia's content state of mind was interrupted.
"I've got to go," Olivia said gently, "call me again tomorrow and we can figure everything out."
"I will Liv, don't worry."
"Bye, El."
"Bye, Liv."
It was embarrassing that Olivia hadn't realized she had reached her limit. She had undoubtedly gotten drunk at Elliot's mother's funeral. It was humiliating because it was from a bottle of wine.
She was such a light weight.
She still had her sense with her. She would just need help getting to her car. Thankfully she had Brian.
Olivia felt Elliot's hand on her shoulder, pulling her into his arms. He hugged her deeply, rubbing his hands through her hair before planting a light kiss on her forehead. "I'm so glad you're here."
"Anything for you." Olivia said honestly, "Did you set everything up?"
"Yes." Elliot said blankly. He loosened his grip on Olivia, letting his hands settle lightly on her waist, he looked her up and down appreciating her beauty even more with each glance he took, "You look beautiful."
"You don't look too bad yourself Stabler." The alcohol ran through her veins giving her the courage she needed to kiss Elliot.
She held her lips on his, the kiss so long overdue felt so much better than she could have ever anticipated.
She had wondered for so long what his lips would feel like pressed against hers.
She licked her lips relishing in his sweet taste.
"Are you drunk Olivia?" Elliot looked into her eyes searching for sincerity. Hoping that her answer would be "no" and that she had fully intended on kissing him.
"A little." She smiled, "Don't worry I know what I'm doing." She kissed him again; she looked into his eyes searching for the same sincerity he had just been looking for in hers. "You don't know how long I've wanted to do that for."
"Ditto." Elliot replied with a smirk. "What about your boyfriend?" Elliot asked tightening his grip on her waist.
"He's not my boyfriend. He's just here as a friend," She began, "It wasn't working out. He was never home when I was; we were always missing each other. Plus, he works under Tucker, that asshole." Olivia paused grabbing Elliot's hand from her waist, she planted a soft kiss on it, "At the end of the day I was just tired of not having someone to go home to, so I settled. And I shouldn't have."
"All the shit Tucker put us through and you dated his best friend?" Elliot said with a chuckle.
It amazed Olivia that Elliot's presence alone could have such a profound effect on her overall demeanor. A part of her wanted to hate him. She wanted to say cruel things and low blows; she wanted him to feel just as shitty as she did three years ago. But a greater part of her wanted to just be in his presence; be his lover, his friend, his everything. Because he certainly was everything to her.
Olivia smiled before kissing Elliot again, "It's time."
Olivia found her seat on the sandy beach, one that had been placed in a row of twenty other chairs. She stood up with the other members of the Stabler family offering hugs and condolences while they said their final goodbyes to Bernie Stabler.
She had asked to be cremated, her ashes being thrown into Beacons Beach. There she would truly be free.
Elliot took the black urn that his mother's ashes were in from his Pastor, holding in the tears. He cleared his throat before speaking.
"My mom has always been different. She didn't fit the mold and she prided herself on that. She was crazy and wild and insane. For most of my life I hated her for it – For being different. But as I got older I realized just how much I envied her ability to act on her ambitions and her fears. I'm forty-nine years old and I'm still not half the person my mom was. I'm okay with that because my mom taught me that life doesn't always go according to plan: things fall apart and things come together."
Elliot's voice broke and he looked up at Olivia. Her eyes mirroring his sadness, "Three years ago Kathy and I got a divorce. She was the mother of my children and my wife for over thirty years. But she wasn't the love of my life. She wasn't my beginning and end, the woman I measured every one against." He paused, " She is." Elliot's eyes settled on Olivia's; the sadness still in them. He held out his hand and smiled up at his former partner. He kissed her hand lightly and motioned for her to join him. Olivia stood up from her seat taking a stand alongside Elliot. "My mom realized that long before I did." Elliot continued with a smile. "I like to think that her death has brought Olivia back into my life so that I can have something to live for." He paused once more fighting the tears building within him,
"I think of Heaven as a garden where I shall find those dear ones who have made my world."
"Mom, you certainly have made my world. I love you."
Elliot lifted the cap from the urn releasing the ashes. They filled the air for a moment before falling into the water. He smiled as the soft current washed away his mother.
Olivia kissed Elliot once more, smiling at just how happy she was. After fifteen years she was finally content and truly happy. She had always known Elliot was her beginning and end, her forever. He had known the same emptiness she had. But now as she stood looking into Elliot's deep blue eyes, the desolation she had grown used to was gone, because she and Elliot had always been meant to be together, and now they finally were.
Apart they were both broken, but together they were whole.
"I know I don't need to say it. I know you already know it, but I love you Liv." Elliot said as he pulled Olivia into his arms, her favorite place to be.
"I love you too El."
She was free now.