A/N: When I saw the weekly challenge to incorporate outrageous sexual slang, I just couldn't resist. After reading so much mature language in FF stories, it is comical to go back and realize how the original Sookie talks about sex and human anatomy in the SVM books. I decided she could use a little help!
I do not own the rights nor have I created the characters here, however prudish they may be!
ooOOoo
SLAP!
I could hear it all the way from the other side of the bar, as could most of Merlotte's customers. Well, maybe except for Jane Bodehouse. She was too far gone to notice anything. I turned to the booth in the far corner to see my brother Jason, still reeling from the sudden assault to his cheek. He began rubbing it to ease the pain as an enraged young woman abruptly stood up and glared at him.
She was busting out of her see-through halter, and her short miniskirt had ridden up enough to give everyone in the bar an eyeful. The dark-striped and bleached-blonde hair and smeared eyeliner added to the overall effect of skank - exactly my brother's kind of woman.
"Go to hell, you douchebag!" she yelled before storming out the front door in her platform sandals, leaving my wounded and shocked brother in her wake. It was hard to feel sorry for him, though. Jason certainly had experienced his share of face slaps from women over the years, not that he didn't deserve most of them. He was a hound-dog of the lowest degree when it came to bedding women, yet his good looks and (apparent) sexual skill seemed to keep him warm most nights. And if it cost him a bruised cheek now and then, so be it.
Sam was cleaning some glasses next to me at the bar and gave me a knowing look. "Go on, cher," he said as he continued wiping. Since it was a Wednesday night, things were kind of slow, so I headed over to Jason's table to find out exactly what happened.
"What did you say this time?" I sighed as I placed a fresh glass of beer on his table.
"Nothin' that hasn't worked in the past. Shit…this one must a' had some bug up her ass," he whined.
I really try to stay out of people's heads, especially my brother's, but he was broadcasting his thoughts too loudly for me to simply ignore them. I choked a little when I picked up something along the lines of 'dunking his love-muscle,' among other choice expressions. I looked to our local Casanova questioningly.
"Do you really think women find it sexy to hear those lame, filthy pick-up lines, Jason? Seriously… why would a complete stranger want to 'peel your banana' or 'get a beef injection' from you?"
Jason's nostrils flared and his eyes turned all squinty, the way they do when he has too much going on in his little brain and can't make sense of it all.
"One, stay out of my head, Sookie! I got a lot of important stuff goin' on up there, and none of it's your dang business. And two, they ain't lame lines… women like to hear that kind of shit. It's a real turn on," he explained. "And three…" He took a chug of beer then rubbed his aching cheek, trying to come up with something "Well, I ain't got three right now, but you just mind the first two!" he said indignantly.
"What do you mean, women like that?" I asked, somewhat astonished. Personally, I couldn't imagine getting excited by a guy saying he wanted to sink his sausage into me. Eww. Then again, if it was Eric's sausage…
"Just what I said, Sook. In fact, guys love it when their women talk to them that way, too," he said with a wink. He took another swig of beer then laughed at me. "When's the last time you talked dirty to your vampire? Huh?"
I felt myself flush a little. I was self-conscious and a bit prudish when it came to talking about sex and body parts, and Jason knew it. "None of your business, Jason," I said, turning away to wait on another table. I was so not going to have this conversation with my brother.
"I bet he'd love to hear it sometime, Sook!' Jason yelled real loud, trying to get my attention. "Have you ever even said the word 'cock' to your big, bad boyfriend?" he added in his typical immature fashion. I must have turned beet red since I could feel the heat rising in my face. I simply ignored him (and the stares of the customers) and walked back to the bar.
"You okay, Sookie?" Sam asked me as I tried to regain my composure. "What's with Jason tonight, anyway? You deserve more respect than that," he assured me. "You need me to straighten him out?"
"Nah, he's just bein' Jason… unfortunately," I said, resigned to my brother's ways. "I'm fine. Really." Sam gave me a warm smile and patted my shoulder; it was a comforting and welcome gesture.
"Well, that still don't excuse him talkin' trash like that to you. You're too nice a girl to listen and use words like that anyway," he said before heading back to his office.
Jason's words did set me to thinking, though. I mean, things between Eric and I couldn't be better in the bedroom, at least in my opinion. But I certainly was lacking in sexual experience, especially compared to a 1000 year-old vampire. Maybe Eric would find it sexy if I said some naughty things now and then. But how did a "nice girl" go about learning to talk dirty? The internet, of course.
ooOOoo
It was late the next evening, and Eric and I were snuggling in his bed after another wonderful session of making whoopee. It had been a wildly passionate night together, both of us having our own happy moments of sublime release. As was customary after these sweaty encounters, our bodies were entwined as we lay sated and spent on Eric's luxurious king-sized bed. He was slowly caressing my back with his long, talented fingers, and I was practically purring with contentment. Perfect. I loved these times, when my sexy vampire lover was unguarded in his emotions and open to sharing things with me. When he was so unlike a vampire.
It had been a warm night, and I was still feeling hot and clammy, despite the cool, hard body wrapped around me.
"Eric, do you mind opening the window? I could use some fresh air right now."
"Of course, my lover," he obliged, slowly disentangling himself then sauntering over to the windowsill. His naked form was beautiful as it softly glowed under the shadows of moonlight. He wiggled his butt for my enjoyment, knowing how much I liked to watch him.
"Your… ass… is perfect," I said with a reluctant sigh as his sculpted form bent to raise the window and a cool night breeze spread across my body. He turned to face me with a sly smile.
I swallowed hard at the frontal view. "And I love your… cock," I added somewhat meekly. My head was thinking 'gracious plenty' but my mouth was trying to be sexy. He raised an eyebrow in question but within a flash, he was back in the bed and rubbing said body part against my thigh. Yikes.
"What else do you love?" he whispered as his tongue darted along my neckline. He began nibbling on my ear, effectively scrambling my brain and my recall of hours of internet research.
"Um, I love when you bury the hatchet where it won't rust," I tried to whisper seductively.
At this admission, Eric stopped his licking and roared with laughter. I didn't think it was that funny.
He turned on the lamp for my benefit before rolling over to face me. "Sookie, what on earth is coming out of your mouth tonight?" His blue eyes were sparkling with amusement.
"I thought you might find it sexy to hear me talk dirty," I admitted.
"The only dirty thing I want to hear from your beautiful lips is 'Fuck me now, Eric,' " he said with conviction. "Come here." And he took my face in his large hands and started kissing me for all he was worth. His smooching technique was divine as always, but when his tongue decided to play tonsil hockey, I pulled away.
"What's wrong, lover?" Eric asked.
"Nothing," I murmured and then turned away and closed my eyes. I was having a hard time putting into words my concerns and frustrations this evening. It was all my stupid brother's fault as far as I was concerned.
Eric sighed, something which vampires don't do, and wrapped an arm around my body, pulling me close as we spooned.
"Tell me," he said patiently.
"Well…" and I took a big breath. "Jason was saying that men really like it when women talk dirty to them. So I thought maybe it worked that way with vampires, too. But I didn't expect you to laugh at me, Eric," I whined. "I'm tired of being a 'nice' girl."
Eric didn't say anything for a moment, but I knew he was deciding how best to 'handle' both me and my irrational insecurities tonight.
"Sookie, I love you the way you are," he finally said. "I don't need you to say anything differently for me to find you sexy." I heard his fangs pop and he slowly dragged them across my shoulder, sending goosebumps all the way down to my... my hootchie. "And you can be a very 'un-nice' girl, when you want to be," he added with a smirk.
"Mmm," I moaned, momentarily distracted by his fangy caresses. "But what do you think would make things even better? Is there something I normally say that's a real turn-off? Something you don't like?"
He sighed again. "Sookie, it has been my experience that women really don't want to know what men are thinking. Let's stop talking and start fucking," he encouraged, using his hands to follow the downward path of my goosebumps.
He was very persuasive, I have to admit. He rolled on top of me and his mouth began working its magic on my quivering twin love pillows. His talented fingers played in my Venus' honeypot, bringing me just to the edge of seeing stars.
But Eric, tease that he was, wouldn't let me get my bell rung just yet. He had me worked into a frenzy of desire and need as he hovered just above the entrance to my love grotto; I thought I was going to explode.
"Look at me, lover," he demanded. His deep blue eyes held mine and I knew our connection was one beyond mere words. It was something that my brother would never understand or experience. And I truly felt sorry for Jason.
"Tell me what you want me to do…" Eric tormented me, bringing me back to the moment at hand.
"I want you to glaze my donut," I said with a smile. He laughed and shook his head no.
"Give the ferret a run?" I suggested. Nope.
"Dunk the dingus? Drive it to home base?"
He kept shaking his head and rubbing his hard salami against my Cupid's cave. I was practically begging him now as my growing need was finally too much to take.
"Say it, lover," he taunted.
"Fuck me now, Eric!" I screamed.
He did. And it was a very happy moment for both of us.