She cradled his tiny body in her arms and kissed his forehead. He was so delicate, so beautiful and so very soft. Her little baby boy. Too perfect for this world. His lids were shut tightly over brilliant blue eyes that she had only glimpsed at. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Knowing that she would never see those eyes again hurt so very much. There were so many things that had been robbed from her. Seeing those perfectly shaped lips smile, hearing his first laugh, his first word…
Those were the things every mother deserved to experience but now she wouldn't. She was angry at herself, at her husband, at the doctors, at everyone- but never him. He had held on for as long as he could. Her little angel had fought as hard as he could to be with her but he just wasn't strong enough to fight such an epic battle. And she could do nothing to save him.
She'd sat by as doctors and nurses had swarmed around him. She'd been helpless as they rushed him off to intensive care. She couldn't even face going to see him for the first day. For the first day of his life he was alone. She was terrified. Terrified that it was her fault, that he'd be looking up at her and blaming her for what she'd done to him. She couldn't face him. And when she finally did all she could do was cry. She'd held his little hand and apologised to him and cried her heart out. To see him with all those wires and tubes somehow made her fears worsen. He was fighting for his life and all she could do was cry and tell him she was sorry. How could that ever be good enough?
And then they'd told her there was nothing they could do and they wanted her permission to turn off the machines keeping him alive. She was given some time alone with him but she could barely look at him. How could she look him in the eye knowing that she was, effectively, killing him? Her baby, her perfect little boy and she was going to let him slip away from her. She wanted to fight for him but she knew she'd be fighting a losing battle. There was nothing she could do for him now. There was nothing and no one left to fight.
She had stroked his little head and told him that it was going to be okay now and that nothing would hurt anymore. She mentally took a picture of that moment. Her little baby lying before her. She didn't ever want to forget it, or to forget him. He was the most precious thing in the world and though his time had been short, he'd made an impact that would last forever in her heart.
The tears fell silently, but in great succession, as she said her final goodbyes and apologised for the last time. She'd fallen into her husbands arms and watched as they switched off the machine. The silence was deafening. They placed his fragile form into her arms as he drew his last breaths and her heart snapped in half. This wasn't how it was meant to be. Behind her her husband watched down and stroked his son's head, holding his wife so very close to him.
The staff at the hospital had given her his hand and feet prints on a card along with a photograph. Such fragile pieces of paper and she was so afraid of losing them. She was terrified that if she didn't have that photograph or that card then she would eventually forget what he looked like… or even forget that he ever existed. What kind of a mother would that make her?
They were ready to take him from her but she didn't want to have to let him go. She kissed him one more time before placing him back in the incubator. That little box dwarfed him even more. She wanted to save him but he was gone. It was all over now. A feeling of nausea and faintness spread over her.
She felt a grip on her shoulder as her husband supported her. He always knew when she needed him the most.
"It's going to be alright, Stella. He's at peace now," he told her. They sat for a few moment wrapped in each other's arms, crying the same hot tears of loss and regret. All she could think was that at least she had him. She knew she'd never manage without him, not now, not ever. She took the photograph and prints into her hands and looked up at him as he stood by the door.
"We will never forget him will we?"
"No… of course we won't. Every time I look into your eyes I will see him and I'll remember him. He'll be with us forever, darling." He turned to go and get a coffee from the canteen.
She sat for a while just staring at the colourless walls of the room. She wanted to be anywhere but here. Here reminded her of her son, but not in the good way that she wanted to remember him. She wanted to remember her pregnancy, the few moments she had with him when he was alive and he had a chance.
When her husband returned to the room with his coffee he walked straight over to the table and busied himself with putting sugar into them.
"Mac?" she asked, he turned around, shocked to find her fully dressed. "I want to go home now."