A/N-Note to all FF writers, writing in first pov is the most aggravating thing ever. Anyway, I noticed the lack of CSR ffs and it's been awhile since I've written femslash so...this was the result. Story takes place after the CSI episode, For Warrick. Have fun reading.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Thanks for not suing me, CBS.
Warrick's death was a surprise to everyone that knew him. As I sat in the church pews observing the looks on the faces of Warrick's friends, family, and coworkers I couldn't help but be reminded of my own reflected image that I passed when getting dressed earlier in the morning. My eyes were wide with self-contained shock while my skin was practically pulled across my face in an effort to remain stoic. I couldn't help but think that the last thing Warrick's ex-wife and child needed to see were more reddened eyes and puffy faces that characterized everyone.
After Grissom's surprisingly powerful emotional eulogy, everyone shuffled out behind the casket for the final goodbye and as I found myself walking slightly behind the crowd. I couldn't help but notice Sara slightly ahead of me. Each breath that she made was hindered by the obvious flood of emotions that she was trying to holding back. I leaned back against the heavy stone pillars supporting the even heavier oak doors of the church in an effort to grasp onto the last vestiges of cool air emanating from the air conditioning of the church and to maintain my ever weakening poker-face. The coolness of the air around me helped me focus long enough to notice that Sara was attempting a similar action to regain her composure.
I wanted to go over and tell her that being emotional at a funeral was acceptable but Grissom got to her first. I wasn't close enough to overhear their conversation but whatever he said wasn't enough. As he left to join up with the rest of the group, Sara slid down the stone pillar and the constrained moans that were kept inside suddenly escaped from her throat. I could barely breathe watching Sara in so much distress. Her back shuddered violently from the pillar as she tried to restrain herself for a second time. Next thing I know, Sara is wiping her eyes with a handkerchief and looks over at me with watery eyes as I realize that I'm staring at her like a crazy person.
My legs moved before I can even make the thought cross my mind. Her eyes look like they're drowning in an emotion that I'm all too familiar with but can't bring myself to name. Leaning down, I grasped her thigh before trying to give her a sympathetic smile but she moved her leg away leaving me looking like I'm petting the floor.
"Sara…sweetheart, there's nothing wrong with having an emotional response to Warrick's death," I said as my voice begins to crack. "He's…I mean, he was, a great man and it's only natural for you to be emotional. Hell, even I'm barely keeping it together."
"This isn't about Warrick, Catherine." Sara said as her eyes rolled up to meet mine.
Before I had a chance to ask her what's got her upset, Grissom came back into the church. The look of confusion on his face made me glad that Sara moved her leg away from me earlier. How would we have explained that? Grissom mumbles something about how sorry he was as he lifted Sara to her feet and practically dragged her away from the church. I can't help but wonder, what's going on between those two?
The sun was shining seemingly endless rays onto the pallbearers as they lowered Warrick's casket down into the dark hole. I still found myself hoping that Warrick would open the golden handle keeping his casket closed, give us that grander than life smile, and walk toward us wondering what all of the tears were about. A hymn rose up from the choir members' throats as the slight thudding sound of the dirt filling the grave reached everyone's ears.
I looked around briefly for what felt like the umpteenth time that day. Everyone from the lab had that crooked frown painted on their face as if they'd decided that was all of the emotion they were going to give. I found myself hating everything about them. Just because we see death on a daily basis, doesn't mean we should be emotional robots going through the memorized dialogue and motions. Why didn't they feel the guilt that raced back and forth through my heart like a Ping-Pong ball?
My logic told me to not feel guilt over Warrick's death but that didn't change anything except that I felt stupid and guilty. When Wendy came to me and told me that Warrick asked her out, I told her to not even bother with him because he was "hard to handle." I can't believe I even said that given the fact that I didn't even notice Warrick was having problems with his marriage and the whole Gedda situation. Fuck, I didn't even know he had a kid until I saw him at the funeral. When I first saw Eli walking along next to Tina, I did everything to explain away the child's presence but when I saw those twinkling emerald eyes staring back at me as his mother introduced him, I knew that he was Warrick's.
As I sat through the funeral, every thought traced back to the guilt that was wrapping around my soul and infecting it with incurable venom. If I had been more vigilant and observant, I would have noticed Warrick's issues, I would have been able to deal with them before they had gotten out of hand. How could I claim to Wendy that I knew anything about Warrick when I couldn't even notice that he was addicted to painkillers, had a child with his ex, and was obsessed with a stripper and a mob boss? I'd always wanted Warrick to need me and when he finally did I was too wrapped up in my own world to notice. A strong desire to rid my stomach of its contents occurs every time I realize that I could have prevented all of this sadness if I had just pulled my head out of my ass and paid more attention. He had always been there for me. Why couldn't I have spared the time to be there for him?
Sara's hoarse voice awakened me from my reverie as I began to realize that the funeral goers were beginning to walk away from Warrick's grave and say their last respects to Tina and Eli. Warrick was gone. He's in his permanent resting place and not even an act of God himself would remove him. When I buried Eddie, I felt so much elation after putting him into the ground because I knew that he was finally in a better place than sitting on a slab in the morgue but Warrick's death just made me feel as empty as one of my father's unused casino safes. Finally, I looked up toward Sara's ruddy face and smiled. "Sorry, about that. What did you say?"
"I said, do you want to come with me and the rest of group to Frank's for breakfast," Sara said before noticing my smile quickly transform into a frown. "We're doing it to honor Warrick's memory, not just to get something to eat, Catherine. So…are you going to go with us or not? Nick is getting restless and we know how restless he can get when he's hungry."
I can't help but notice Grissom standing awkwardly away from the rest of the group of lab rats and CSIs. I always knew that Warrick was like Grissom's golden boy of the lab; he represented everything that Grissom himself wished he could be, a passionate and handsome social butterfly that was also talented at solving crimes. In all of the years I've known Grissom he's always taken death as an accepted part of life that shouldn't be fought against but Warrick's death might be the straw that broke that ideology's back. It's hard to claim a standoffish approach to handling the death that we see every day if that same attitude contributed to a loved one's death.
Sara's quizzical eyes are now punching holes through my mind as she waits for my answer. "Sure, I'd love to go honor Warrick's death by eating at Frank's, home of cheap food that may increase the chances of a heart attack," I said sarcastically before laughing at Sara's smirk. "I bet Nick came up with this idea because Nick never has any money to go somewhere nice. You know where he took Lindsey last year for her birthday? To McDonalds, how sad is that?"
Sara laughed and, for what felt like the first time in a long time, I laughed also. We must have looked like a bunch of idiots but it felt so good to just laugh about something instead of feeling guilty about the woulda, coulda, shouldas that had been playing laser tag in my mind since hearing about Warrick's death.
After several seconds of bewildered laughing I noticed that the tears I had tried so hard to keep to myself were rolling down my face and smudging my makeup. My pride told me to turn away but I noticed that Sara was also crying which made my own trickle of tears flow turn into a monsoon. The salty liquid ran into my mouth as I realized I was still cackling but I couldn't stop myself. My body was on autopilot as if it needed to grieve Warrick's death but needed a release from that grief all at the same time. I needed to get away but I was frozen. I let out a subconscious groan as my mind and body struggled to relinquish control to each other.
"Sara…" As I struggled to gather the right words to express my feelings Sara stopped laughing and closed the distance between us by gathering me into her arms. My breathing slowly returned to normal, my eyes refocused, and my limbs reconnected back to my brain as Sara's warmth and strength transferred to me for the briefest of minutes. I hadn't felt something so comforting in years and that knowledge nearly made the tears flow again.
Even after her survival from being abandoned in the desert with a broken arm, I had never thought much of Sara's strength. I always knew she had a quick wit and a kind soul once she forcibly peeled back her defenses but I always considered her a weaker soul than me. Sara had never struggled against a cocaine addiction that nearly took me prisoner and she had never taken her clothes off for money in order to pay the rent that Eddie always conveniently missed out on. In my eyes, no one could be as strong as me. How wrong I turned out to be.
"Catherine, look at me. I know what you're doing to yourself and you can't go down that path. Feeling guilty toward something you had no control over doesn't make the world a better place." Sara whispered into my ear as she continued to grasp my shuddering shoulders. It had been so long since I had received support from another person that in my fumbling confusion, I lifted my arms reflexively to grasp onto Sara's shoulders. The force of my hold on her shoulders made Sara back up slightly in response which caused her to bump right into Grissom.
He clutched Sara's shoulders to keep her from falling. "Nick says he's going to go on without the two of you if you don't, and I quote, 'hurry the hell up.' I don't normally agree with Nick when it comes to some things but this is a rare occasion."
As he walks off, Sara sighs and smiles at me. "We'll talk later, alright?"
For the first time, in a long time, I had met someone who I didn't have to explain my feelings to. I find myself unable to wait.
I never knew they had so many flavors of syrup until I found myself sitting on the patent leather seat of our regular booth at Frank's. The conversation was light and amusing as we tried to move on by mentioning humorous stories and situations. I found myself crying again from laughter instead of sadness. The building blocks of recovery that Sara had given me were being laid out into a foundation of solid ground to be built on. However…something wasn't quite right.
Emotionally, I felt better as I giggled at each joke Nick made about the secret science of pancakes but physically I craved something different. As Sara laughed her eyes locked onto mine but just as quickly her eyes would dart away to Grissom's hand placed over her own.
Even though Grissom was physically with the rest of the group, he was clearly emotionally elsewhere. His eyes were glazed over and he seemed as if he was one step to being diagnosed comatose. Sara managed to keep him going by maintaining her iron-grip on his shuddering hand. For the second time today, I could see how strong Sara was. I wanted to share some of that burden by helping her in any way possible.
Nick looked down at his watch. "Hmm…guess it's that time again. Some of us have to get ready for working grave. Hey, Grissom, you think Ecklie will give us the night off in honor of Warrick?"
"Keeping busy helps with moving forward, Nick," Grissom slid out from the booth and looked over at me. "Catherine, could you take Sara back to my place? I need some alone time to think."
Since saying no was obviously not an option, I nodded obediently. The lab rats, Dr. Robbins, David, and Greg stood up to leave once they each put several bills on the table to pay for their individual meals. They gave each other pleasantries and began to walk out before Nick smiled upward at Grissom's face. "Thank god everyone paid for their food because my wallet's been kind of light recently."
Grissom nodded briefly to Nick's statement before Sara's eyebrow rose slightly. "Gil, you don't need to have Catherine drop me off. You can drop me off yourself."
"No, Sara, I need some time alone. Catherine will drop you off and I'll talk to you later, alright," Grissom said. He lifted his hand toward Sara's shoulder and briefly caressed it before leaving also.
Nick adds his own set of bills to the increasing stack before reordering the stack to put in front of me and Sara. "I'm going to get out of here also. I'll see you at the lab later, Catherine. Before you leave town again, Sara, make sure you set up a date with me so we can talk about what's been going on since you left."
He left the table, leaving Sara and I alone. My heartbeat increased as I realized that I could satisfy my craving for touch without being interrupted. As my entire body tensed in preparation to the idea of feeling Sara's strength radiate through me for a second time, she threw out a couple of bills out onto the table and slid out of her side of the booth.
"Are you finished? I'm still a little jet-lagged from the early flight back to Vegas and I'd really like some rest." Sara said as she began to walk out of Frank's.
A waitress came from behind the front counter and smiled pleasantly at me. "Hi, are you ready to pay?"
"Yeah…um, here's the money. There should be change left over so you can keep that as your tip. Thanks." I stood up quickly to catch up with Sara, hoping she's wasn't waiting by my car looking like an idiot.
The only sounds in the car were the engine revving through the gear changes and the subtle sounds of breathing. Sara and I had very rarely spoken about anything other than lab results or borrowing the GCMS. The silence between us was unbearable but I couldn't think of a way to change the situation. Looking over at her, I smiled briefly before turning my eyes back toward the road.
I wanted nothing more than to grow a third hand and comfort Sara by providing her with the strength she gave me. I owed her that much at the very least but the way she looked out of the car window deterred my inner bravado. I didn't have to be an investigator to know that she was detaching herself from me. After what happened today with Warrick's funeral, Grissom's emotional shutdown, and my own breakdown of sorts I couldn't blame Sara for wanting to preserve the little bit of strength by being even more reserved than usual. The old Sara I knew would never have given a piece of herself to anyone, nonetheless a coworker like me, because she was always focused on blocking the outside world out. I've always assumed she had a hard family life but I'd never gotten enough courage to ask. I sigh to gather some courage for myself before trying to start up a conversation but Sara spoke first.
"Catherine, why were you crying earlier at Warrick's funeral?" She turned from looking out of the window to look at the dashboard.
I subconsciously will my face to appear unaffected by her question before speaking. "Why else do you cry at a funeral, Sara? I was mourning my friend's death. If I knew I was going to be questioned after the fact I might have reined it in a little bit."
"You didn't cause his death, Catherine."
I slam my hands against the steering wheel and, thankfully, miss the horn. "Sara, how can you say that? If I had paid more attention Warrick wouldn't have felt the need to run after some stripper."
"He lost perspective, Catherine. No amount of attention from you would have stopped Warrick from following a hunch on something he thought was important," Sara grasped the hemline of her dress before continuing. "All of us are all the same. We run after what we perceive as 'justice' and 'righteousness' all in an effort to receive even more of this death and despair that I used to surround myself with every day. Why do you even still do it, Catherine? At least Warrick got a get-out-of-jail-free-card but what about everyone else?"
Sara released her hem from her grip as her eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. I turned my head in response, saw the same suppressed guilt swimming in her eyes that had been in mine during Warrick's funeral, and soon realized that I could hardly breathe. She had given me strength in exchange for that overwhelming guilt that had been placed over my shoulders for the last couple of days and I couldn't stand myself.
"Sara…is this about Warrick or is it about you and Grissom?" I said as I was forced to break my eyes away from Sara's as the angry cacophony of honks from drivers behind me complained at my lack of movement at the green light. Even as I negotiated late-morning Vegas traffic, I could still feel Sara's eyes fixed on my face like a heat-seeking missile looking for its target.
Her answering sigh turned into another awkward silence and I began to get impatient. "Sara, don't shut down on me."
"I'm not shutting down. I'm simply ignoring you."
"Then stop fucking ignoring me," I said as I attempted to grasp her knee sympathetically before returning my hand to the steering wheel. "What's going on with you and Grissom, Sara?"
"Nothing, nothing is going on between me and Gil. We're fine, I'm fine, and he's fine. I've never been happier."
"You must think I just stepped out from the womb to try to pass that lame ass excuse on me, Sara. If you were so happy, you wouldn't be sitting in my car trying to hold back those tears that you're doing a pitiful job at hiding," I said before exhaling in an attempt to regain my composure. "I can't help you if you keep holding out on me, Sara."
"You think I want your help," Sara said before turning her head away from me to roll her eyes in annoyance. "Last time I checked, you're an ex-stripper with daddy issues who can barely control her rebellious daughter that was the result of getting knocked-up by an inadequate man who could barely tie his own shoes without insulting someone or something. So, no, I don't want your help. You couldn't help me anyway."
My blood boiled in my veins as her words processed inside my head. Everything she said was the honest truth but the fact that she had waited until now to spring this on me was so indescribably evil that I found myself pulling over to the side of the road and stopping the car.
I couldn't drive with my heart pumping liquid anger through every vein in my body; I could barely breathe, nonetheless drive. Sara was looking at me like she was torn between saying sorry or laughing at the vision of me with my blonde tresses covering my face as I leaned on the steering wheel. I knew that I wouldn't be able to look at her without following through on the need to hurt her like she had just hurt me. For once, I was glad that I had grown my hair out because it afforded me some semblance of privacy.
Lifting my head up from the wheel, after what felt like hours of thoughts tinged by pent-up anger and aggression, I looked over at Sara with an emotionless face that was a la Grissom. "You can't scare me away with your big bad display of pride or whatever the fuck that was supposed to be, Sara. I wrote the rulebook and I know all of the tricks."
"You're so unlike him," Sara mutters to herself just loud enough for me to hear. "Every day I have to play emotional chess with him just to get inside of that head of his for a brief second before he runs off to his 'responsibilities'. I'm always telling him that I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be but he just ignores me like I'm speaking in Sanskrit. You can't possibly know how it feels to be in a relationship with a man that feels more comfortable talking to his dog than to you."
I look over and see that Sara's crumpled into a ball against the crack between the window and the seat. I reached my hand out to bring her some much needed comfort but the center console of the car limits my reach. With a growl of frustration, I opened the car door and quickly walked over to the passenger door. The sounds of the high-speed traffic are completely phased out as my entire focus revolved around Sara's stunned face as I opened the door and lifted her out her seat. Her feet landed awkwardly on the ground but that did little to deter my focus.
"Catherine, what the hell are you doing?" Sara said in a weak effort to understand my actions. The heat between us was becoming next to unbearable and was preventing my brain from working properly. My hands were clenched so hard that I felt the nails biting into my flesh in response. All I wanted to do was help her.
I couldn't control myself as my hands went up to her shoulders. Her dress had small shoulder straps and I was granted with the feel of her porcelain skin against my palms which nearly made me pass out. I groaned slightly in response as my hands proceeded to play an invisible tune on her ivory skin. The loud binging of the open passenger door nearly made me scream in annoyance for breaking my focus for the briefest of seconds. I moved Sara flush against me, pushed the door closed, and sighed against her neck in satisfaction. My wildest fantasies weren't just being fulfilled but redesigned as my goals were being passed with each moment I held Sara close.
I found myself continually muttering some nonsense against her neck and with a shake of my head; I lifted myself up from Sara's neck.
"God…I'm so glad I wore heels today," I said stupidly before clearing my throat. "Gil Grissom is an idiot to treat you the way he does but he doesn't mean to be an idiot. He's just acting the way he always does and, normally, he doesn't have to factor another human being into his actions. Everything you're dealing with is just plain old Gilbert Grissom. Yes, I know he's emotionally unavailable and a bit of a jerk at times but…you have to work with him and he'll eventually get better."
Sara laughed to herself before lowering her eyebrow slightly. "Was that supposed to make me feel better? Telling me, 'yeah, he's a fucked up mess but no use crying over spilt milk.' I really appreciated that pep talk. Hope we can have it again someday, now, can you drive me back to Grissom's place?"
"No, wait, I'm not finished," I grab Sara's arm as she turned again to face me for a second time. "I know you've been feeling guilty about coming back to Vegas. When you came back to the lab you looked like you'd seen a ghost. I just want to say that it's alright to feel like this life isn't right for you anymore. You're not turning your back on anyone but yourself if you ignore what your heart is telling you."
Sara looked up at me restrained annoyance. "Gil expects me to stay here with him in Vegas even though I've told him so many times that I can't do that. When he comes back smelling of dead bodies and wants to make love to me all I can think about is how I was so close to becoming one of those dead bodies that we investigate every day. I don't belong here, Catherine. Is it selfish of me to want Grissom to leave all of this death behind and run away with somewhere?"
"You survived, Sara. That's a gift, not a burden to be ashamed of. You got tired of solving the puzzles and looking at the bodies. It's not selfish to want to get away from death, Sara," I sighed before closing my eyes briefly. "I don't tell people this but sometimes I get out my brochures of exotic locations like Key West, the Bahamas, or Costa Rica and I close my eyes and dream of myself being there to get away from all of this."
Sara perked up slightly and looked at me expectantly. "Does it work? Imagining yourself in these locations?"
"Well, it works for a minute…but nothing can get over the feeling of actually being there. Even my imagination can't tell me what beach sand on my toes would feel like since I've never actually been around it before," I said before laughing to myself. "The closest I've ever been to sand was reading about in my rocks for jocks class in college."
"Catherine?"
"What? It's okay, you can laugh at me. I'm not exactly worldly when it comes to the properties of beach sand."
Sara leaned back slightly against the door which caused her breasts and even more of that porcelain skin to rub tantalizingly up against my body as I fell into her embrace. I can't stop the moan from exiting my mouth and there's no neck in the way to block my response this time.
She looks up at me and lifts her hand up to graze along my neck teasingly. "I'd really like to see those brochures. Maybe it'll help me get some places in mind for me to visit."
My mouth is seemingly glued shut. A small purr exited my throat as I felt Sara's hand move behind my ear. I never knew the back of my ear was so sensitive to touch but given my sudden weak knees and the pulsing blood rushing into my hands as I forcibly placed them against the passenger door.
I managed to strangle my English skills from whatever mental cave they must have been hiding in as I opened my mouth to speak. "If you come home with me, I'm not going to stop until I get what I want. Are you going to regret whatever happens as a result of that?"
"It's not like I'm drunk, Catherine. We're two sensible consenting adults making a sensible decision. If you drop me off at Grissom's in an effort to play the 'good friend' role, I'm going to have to go through the whole process of finding where I've stocked my mechanical friends in my boxes of stuff that I've moved into Grissom's apartment and then I'm going to have to find batteries…I'm exhausted thinking about it. Why not cut down on all that effort by being a good friend, literally and figuratively? Grissom's done a lot of things that I don't know about with women and, probably, some men. Why can't I have my own secrets?"
"Well…it's not…exactly right…god, damn it, Sara, you've got a talented tongue." Sara's mouth had descended on my cheek while her left hand continued massaging my ear. Her right hand also decided it wanted to play and starting toying with the nape of neck. My legs moved forward to allow her better access. Each intricate pattern she traced along my neck made the carnal need to make her mine bubble toward the surface of my mind. Her woody perfume wafted into my nostrils and made my overwhelming desire to possess harder to repress. I had never wanted Sara so much as I did in that moment. I nibbled on her neck slightly and her answering moan spurred me onward with a single bite on the crook of her neck that caused the sweetest little yelp of surprise.
I would have been fine continuing onward with our heated exploration but a truck honked its horn in our direction and we were forced to part. I laughed at the face she gave the truck as it passed. "Come on, we can finish this once I show you those pamphlets."
I've never had a problem getting comfortable in my own home until now. Sara was sitting in front of me on one of my sofas with that single eyebrow raised as she laced her fingers together and every so often those hypnotic eyes would rise from the pamphlets to meet my gaze.
I find myself wondering how I ended up with such luck. Everything about Sara up until this point made my skin crawl in restrained annoyance at best. Even when Grissom and I were traipsing around the Las Vegas desert to find Sara after Natalie abandoned her, all I could think about was the jealousy I felt toward Sara for getting so much attention. I was green with childish envy.
When I needed help with the Novak situation, Grissom had to have the last word by saying some stupid idiom about not taking showers in glass houses but when Sara and Grissom's relationship became public knowledge, Grissom said nothing about keeping his personal and professional lives separated. As I trudged through the endless grains of hot sand all I could think about was how Grissom was such a hypocrite but when we finally found Sara all mangled and vulnerable…I couldn't help but feel like a complete idiot for spending more effort trying to poke holes in Grissom's logic than trying to save Sara's life.
Every time I think I understand my feelings toward Sara she ends up surprising me with an unexpected curveball which leaves me reeling. I had always thought Sara was an obsessive workaholic but with some prodding I learned that she just had no concept of having a personal life. Everything in her life revolved around the victims because she had been one herself. For the first time I can understand Sara for what she is, an endless mash-up of contradictions. She was the perfectionist that was flawed in every way possible, the bookish woman that found more comfort in losing herself in the real world than the pages of a tawdry romance novel, and the aloof scientist that had liquid fire pumping through her veins. This sudden need to possess was just the result of my need to understand Sara in every way possible; nothing more, nothing less.
Sara looked up from the pamphlets and lowered her eyebrow. "Some of these pamphlets are really interesting, especially the Costa Rica one about the Sea Shepherd trip. I'd love to go to Costa Rica and learn more about some of the animals they have listed in here. Would you mind if I borrowed this?"
I laugh as she begins to fold the pamphlet in half before I can even respond. "Well, since you've already made up my mind for me there's really no need for me to even say anything."
She smiles in my direction as she tucks the pamphlet into her purse. As soon as she closes her purse, however, the awkward feeling envelops the room as we both wonder what happens next. "Sara…I know what you're feeling. When Eddie was being particularly hard to deal with I would find people in the crowd when I stripped that I knew would ask for more from me even though I knew I would never go there. Eddie was a mess but cheating on him with another man was hardly going to help the matter. I just wanted someone to touch me and show me that there were people out there that could cherish me without feeling the need to abuse me beforehand. Is that what you want, Sara?"
"I'm tired, Catherine. I'm tired of trying to make Grissom understand that I can't be here any longer because I feel like I'm dying inside. Ever since I came home for Warrick's funeral, Grissom has been so, I guess the word would be vacant, that he hardly even notices the way I obsessively wash everything he wears to the lab because it smells like the death I tried so hard to escape from. The only time I can even attempt having sex with him is in the shower but he hates doing it in there because he claims 'it hurts his knees' which makes me feel so…selfish," Sara said before taking a minute to gather her thoughts. "How can I marry someone I can't even stand living around?"
"Do you love him?" I said as I lifted my hand toward Sara's clenched fists.
"Of course I love Grissom. He's the only man that can understand me and my moods but he's just so…poisonous to me right now. I keep telling Grissom that after the funeral, I'm going to be leaving again but he doesn't care. All he cares about is his own pity and Hank."
"I'm tempted to ask if he really does confide in Hank more than he confides in you but I can tell you aren't kidding," The sound of annoyance that comes from Sara's mouth as she rolls her eyes makes me laugh in response. "He's been through a lot, Sara. I know you're hurting but retaliation doesn't make the hurt go away."
Sara stands up from her seat and walks toward me before sitting astride my lap. It can't be healthy for a person's heart rate to rapidly increase but as she begins to move slightly forward onto the upper parts of my thighs. Her light thrusts could be explained away to her weak attempts to maintain balance or a thoughtful way to make me die of an early heart-attack. A congested groan kicks itself out from my mouth as my brain tries to minimize the muscle spasms that are developing in my hands in an effort to keep them on the couch and not on Sara's smooth skin.
My inhales and exhales are becoming more sporadic as it becomes next to impossible to focus on breathing. "Sara, please, think about what you're doing here. Think about…Grissom. What would he want you to do?"
She looks at me with a frown before resuming her earlier actions of massaging that place behind my ear and molesting my neck.
"Do you want me to stop," A particularly persuasive bite and swivel of her hips produces a growl from me as my hands finally reach up to Sara's hips to encourage her to continue. "That's what I thought. Instead of talking about Gil's feelings, let's talk about your feelings. I bet you feel really good right now."
I wouldn't exactly call what I felt as "good". Conflicted is a more correct term to describe my emotional state. I want what Sara's propositioning but just because you want something doesn't make it right. Before my body can destroy what little logic I have left, I force Sara to stop her lap dance which causes her to look into my eyes. I need to hear her say that this is what she wants, I need to know that she isn't regret this.
"Sara, do you want this or are you just trying to forget about your problems at home with Grissom?"
"I want one moment of pleasure, Catherine. One moment where I'm not thinking about how selfish I must be or how lonely I feel every day as I lie next to a man that's supposed to make me happy," Sara lifts her arms up to my shoulders as she laces her hands around my neck. "You want to help me? Then make me happy for a couple of hours. I know you want to and I know I want to so…what's the problem?"
I clutch onto Sara's sides with so much pent-up annoyance. "You're Grissom's woman. That's the problem, Sara."
"I'm 'Grissom's woman'," Sara laughs loudly for several minutes before continuing. "I've never considered myself anyone's woman. I'm my own woman. If it helps your ego, I don't consider this cheating. If anything this is a small act to help me restore my sanity. You don't want me to go crazy do you?"
I couldn't help but feel like her efforts to explain away the potential issues of us sleeping together was weak at best but those fingers against my neck and those chocolate fondue eyes were making it even harder for me to find fault in her logic. The secret thrill that I was experiencing at the thought of finally fucking Sara Sidle into oblivion ran through my twitching limbs. I couldn't take this torture anymore.
Securing her body in my grip, I flipped our positions so Sara was now on her back while I had the pleasure of being on top of her. With a small scream of delight, Sara moved her hands from the nape of my neck to my shoulders as I began to lean down to nip at any bit of flesh I could see without having to take her clothes off. My love bites spread from her neck, shoulders, across her lanky arms, and down to her even lankier legs. Angry red splotches rose from her skin and I couldn't help but feel annoyed at the same porcelain skin that left me enraptured. I couldn't let her go home with bruises and hickies all over her skin, Grissom would have to be an absolute dolt to not notice another person's marks on his girlfriend's skin. As my thoughts started to wonder toward any skincare remedies I might have in my bathroom to handle this future problem, Sara lightly slapped me on the head which brought my focus back to her.
"Hey, Lover-Girl, focus on the here-and-now," Sara lifted herself up from the couch as she began to move her hands away from my shoulders and to the back of her dress. "Help me unzip this thing."
I lift myself off of her lap and watch as she gets up from the couch and turns her back around toward my face. Little effort was needed to unzip her from the confines of the funeral dress and the navy-blue bra but as she turned around to face me, I summoned all of my resolve to focus on her anything but her perfect breasts. I thought they were winking at me as I saw her soft pink nipples visibly transform into hard scarlet nubs of excitement. My hands moved toward the bunched up fabric of her dress that was taking up residence on her waist but she pushed me away.
"No, I want you to focus on my breasts and not everything else…at least not yet," Sara said as she begins to sits down and starts taking off her peep-toe heels before leaning back against the armrest of the couch. "What are you waiting for? I know you want to taste the forbidden fruit."
I gulp several times before leaning down myself to take off my own platform heels. "Sara…you do realize that your 'forbidden fruit' would actually be your vagina and not your breasts? Not that I have a problem with tasting either."
"What do you mean? My breasts look more like fruit than my vagina does," Sara's face scrunches up as she thinks about Catherine's statement. "Hmm…I understand the similarities between a flower and a vagina but you've lost me on the fruit thing. Do you want to look it up on my phone?"
To answer her, I lifted myself back up to my full height, lowered myself between her opened legs, and softly put my lips against hers. After several seconds of no participation on her part, I begin to wonder if I've misjudged her responses up to this point. Her body was starting to react as I felt one of her legs start to move up to coil around my waist. My thigh rubbed against the damp sliver of fabric that was covering her clitoris. The groan that left her throat left me so surprised that I immediately ended my attempts to kiss her.
Sara closed the gap between my body and hers as she reclaimed my lips. I growled as her tongue began to duel passionately with my own and I found myself having problems breathing. I pushed her back down to the couch as my hands began traveling down from her face to those petite breasts. My fingers played lightly on her hardened nubs, but as Sara's body started moving increasingly more chaotic against my thigh I began to get more aggressive and started pulling and twisting her nipples in the way that I liked it. Sara's body tensed in response and her mouth broke from away from mine as she whimpered.
I lifted myself up from her and caressed Sara's face. Her eyes opened immediately in response. "Can I, Sara?"
The slight movement of her head affirmed to me her decision as I began to lower my body down to Sara's stomach. I finally had more porcelain skin to investigate as my hands flowed from her slight figure, toward her hardened nipples. I wanted more than a slight touch though. I needed to taste.
I leaned my mouth toward them and blew on them slightly, as another keening noise echoed around the living room. I tried to keep quiet but her sounds and little dances against my body were making it next to impossible. Her growls mingled with my own as she continued squirming against me. I started sucking on one nipple while continuing to twist and pull on the other while Sara's body kept thrusting into my thigh.
A steady stream of pleadings and curses entered my ears as Sara leaned up from the armrest to watch my ministrations more closely. She was getting off on watching me pleasure her.
"Catherine…fuck, I need you to…move harder," Sara said as each word was compounded by more groans.
I raised her other leg upward to my thigh. "I can't wait any longer, Sara. I need to have the rest of you…please, let me?"
Another slight nod gave me the courage to slide to rest on my own dress off my shoulders before I ripped Sara's own jumbled pieces of fabric off her waist. For the first time, we were both naked in front of each other, we were speechless.
"Can we go to a bedroom? I don't want my first time with you to be in front of an open window on a couch like a bunch of teenagers," Sara leaned up with a quizzical look. "Speaking of teenagers, where's yours?"
"Lindsey's at some drama club field trip which cost an arm and leg to let her go on. She begged to go though and even got pretty good grades so I was pretty much stuck. I had to let her go. Now, let's go and get in between my sheets before we die of hypothermia."
My skin was on fire as Sara spent as much time investigating my body as I did on the sofa. Her lips were conquering new valleys and peaks while her body covered mine possessively. Her panties had long since been thrown somewhere in the space between my bedroom door and my bed while mine had been flung in the general direction of the rest of my clothes, the small couch that I placed near my window to fill up my relatively large bedroom. For once since buying the house I was actually glad that I had such a large bedroom since it prevented us from bumping into every piece of furniture I owned as we stumbled toward my bed.
Sara looked up from her incredibly important task of trying to make me orgasm for what felt like the fourth time that night. "Whatcha thinking about, Catherine?"
"You know perfectly well what I'm thinking about. It's not fair that you get to eat dessert while I have to sit and watch." I groan slightly as Sara lifted herself up to my face and I notice the trail of clear fluid running down from her mouth to her chin.
"Well, you know that you can participate at any time. It's not like I have you tied to the bedposts or something…unless you want to try that out?"
I find myself chuckling at that thought. "You'd like that wouldn't you? Tying me up and watching me struggle around like a fish caught on a line. You know, you're awfully experienced with your technique for being a female virgin."
"What the fuck is a female virgin? It sounds like it belongs in a sentence with the words 'facetious' and 'arraignment'."
I roll my eyes and move my hand down to Sara's damp slit to tease it into a further frenzy. "A female virgin is someone who has never been with another woman before in a sexual manner, smartass."
"Well…the way you've been playing with my body for the last couple of hours, my female virginity has been pretty much been decimated in every way possible." Sara groaned as my hands grazed by a particularly sensitive area inside of her moistening sex. I increase the speed of my thrusts of my fingers in her slit as I add a second finger to the fray. As the minutes passed of alternating between slow scissoring and fast jabbing thrusts of my fingers, I could feel the clenching of Sara's muscles around my fingers.
With a grunt of appreciation I took my fingers out of her sex and lifted my sopping fingers toward my mouth. She tasted marvelous and I found myself wanting even more of that particular taste that was exclusively Sara.
"Come up to my face, sweetheart," I finished licking the remaining substance off my fingers and smiled. "This afternoon is all about you."
Sara climbed up to my face and settled her legs on either side of my face as she looked down at me. "I don't want to suffocate you, Catherine."
"You can't suffocate me as long as you don't sit directly on my nose. Come on, Sara. Live a little." I tap Sara's thigh to encourage her to make a decision. I don't have to wait long, however, as she lightly sits on my face in an effort to try to avoid my nose. A single drop of warm fluid dribbled down into my open mouth as I began to lightly suck on her folds before stabbing into her sex. My tongue latches on her engorged clit as Sara's groans turned into screams of delight. Her previous efforts to be cautious are thrown out of the window as Sara's body starts thrusting gliding forward on my gaping mouth in time with each urgent swirling pattern made around her clit. Her moans have evolved from excited low mewls to high-pitched determined squeals as I use every skill to make her orgasm. Despite all of my efforts to not waste, Sara's warm fluid started to trickle out of my open mouth and onto my neck. I knew she wouldn't last much longer as my ears began to register the whimpers. In order to attempt to calm her down, I grabbed her hips to slow her down.
"Ohh…Catherine, please don't stop. Keep going, keep going," Sara said as she starts to clutch my strawberry blonde tresses as her whole body begins to tense up in preparation. "Oh fuck…ahh, right there. You're so good to me, Catherine."
I wanted to hold her off for a little bit longer but I knew immediately that this was in vain as I tasted the sudden deluge of fluid that flooded into my throat. The rhythmic clenching of her muscles as the tension exploded into one single congested scream that signaled Sara's orgasm. Her nails scraped my scalp which caused a pained growl to rumble into her sex. Her body trembled into another orgasm and I smiled as I felt my own body give a mini-orgasm in response.
After her body had relaxed, I helped her roll off of my face with little issues and wrapped us both up in my soft linens. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah…I'm just shocked that you've made me cum four times in a three hour period," Sara laughs as she leans over to smile at me. "The last time Gil and I were together sexually, he lost his erection. It wasn't like I was really that into it anyway but when he realized he had lost it you know what he did? He got up and mumbled some bullshit about needing to walk Hank for the fifth time. It was nearly one o' clock in the morning, Catherine. I don't think the damn dog needed to be walked."
"Maybe Hank had to pee. Dogs do that, you know?"
Sara's face darkens at my joke. "I'm going to have to go back to his place in a couple of hours."
"I thought you said earlier that you're your own woman, Ms. Sidle? It's time to back up your bravado." I said sympathetically.
Sara's eyebrows rise as she stops tracing invisible patterns in the slight sheen of sweat on my stomach. "Listen, Catherine, I had a fun time with you but I'm not going to run away to the Bahamas with you."
"Whoa there, Nelly! I never said anything about running away with me to the Bahamas," I smile amusedly. "I just meant that you should do something to give you happiness every day and not just for a couple of hours."
"Those were some really good hours, Catherine," Sara rolls over onto her back and sighed wistfully. "Some of these memories will probably last me a lifetime of masturbation fantasies. Grissom may forget about me in reality but I'll always have these fantasies to lose myself in. God, isn't that just sad that I need a fantasy to make it through the day with a man I love?"
I leaned up out of my bed sheets and forced Sara up to meet my eyes by grabbing her shoulders. "Sara, you aren't some broken doll that's irreparable. You came back for Warrick's funeral and now his funeral is over. It's time for you to leave again so stop sitting around here, pack your shit up, and go."
"Where am I supposed to go? I honestly can't stand another couple of months of visiting my mother in San Francisco."
"I gave you the brochure for that research trip to Costa Rica, Sara. There's your shot to get out of Vegas." I said encouragingly as I felt my own excitement building at the thought of helping Sara be happy.
Sara takes my hands off of her shoulders and smiled at my own excitement. "But…what about Gil? I can't just leave him when he's like this, it would be selfish."
"Grissom had no problem going on sabbatical without even telling you beforehand. I know for a fact that he probably didn't consider his actions 'selfish'," I glared in an effort to get Sara to make a decision. "You want Grissom to change into a more loving and supportive man? Then leave him again and force him to have to make a decision about your relationship. You aren't happy here."
With a saddened face, Sara looked away from my face and sighed. "I'll think about it, alright? Now…I should head back to Grissom's place. I don't know whether he'll change at his place or at the lab but I know he's going to end up calling home to check up on me before his shift starts."
Sara looked back up at me as her eyes flitted around in an effort to keep eye contact with me. For the first time that afternoon we were awkward around each other as we got out of my bed and tried to find our clothes. I had finally given Sara the strength she needed to help herself in the same way that I did but I couldn't help but feel miserable about the potential harm that I had caused toward Grissom. Despite all of his character faults, Grissom was still one of my closest friends.
By the time Sara's bra and panties were placed firmly back on her body, I found the courage to speak. "Let's put some of my bruising cream on your…battle scars."
We walk together toward my bathroom and I turn the light on before grabbing the cream out of my medicine cabinet. The smile on my face was obvious as I began to slather the cool substance onto her skin. "This stuff might tingle for a little bit but as long as Grissom doesn't have a sudden impulse to fuck you senseless in the morning, these bruises and scratches on your skin should be less noticeable in a couple of hours."
A comfortable silence developed as my hands start to massage the medicine into her pores. My hands descend from her shoulders and down toward her familiar breasts as a single tear pried itself out of my eyes before I could stop it.
"Whatever happens to me and Gil isn't your fault, Catherine. We've been heading down that path before you came along," Sara turns her body around to face mine after removing my hands from her hardening nipples. "The way I've been feeling lately with Gil's depression and Warrick's death, I would have hooked up with someone eventually. Hell, I swear Greg seemed a little too disappointed when Gil told you to drive me home."
"Greg Sanders? Come on, Greggo? Greg has no idea how to use his equipment properly to satisfy anyone but himself. Trust me, I have first-hand experience." I put the cream back in the medicine cabinet and walk out of the bathroom leaving Sara confused.
"Wait a minute…you and Greg hooked up? When was this? You must have been black-out drunk to agree to have any kind of sexual encounter with Greg. Was he bad?" Sara catches up to me as she begins to try and find her dress underneath the pile of clothes on my couch.
I stop briefly to glare at her. "It took him fifteen minutes to put the damn condom on and another fifteen minutes for him to finish his 'foreplay' which was really just him drooling and pawing on me like I was a piece of steak. When he finally did start, he lasted about fifteen seconds before passing out on me. It was like having sex with a giraffe."
Sara's hearty laugh made me laugh in response as I began to notice that she was looking at her dress with a frown. The thing is tattered in every way possible and I can't help but feel responsible since my actions directly caused its mutilation. I quickly grabbed some running pants, a tank top, and one of the endless pairs of running shoes out of my dresser and handed them to her. "Sorry, about what I did to your dress. I'll get it into a tailor for you. Do you mind wearing my clothes for a while until I drop you back at Grissom's?"
"Catherine, it's not like I have much choice unless you want me to go back to Grissom in my birthday suit. I'm sure he wouldn't like that."
She begins to slip on the clothes that I offered as I also decide to throw on some running shorts, a t-shirt, and some running shoes as well. Wearing that dress was uncomfortable to say the least. We finish at the same time and look at each other briefly as I start to realize that this will probably be the last time that I'll get to be alone with Sara if she does decide to leave again. I have no idea what to do with my hands so I end up clutching them awkwardly by my side.
"So are you," I said before coughing briefly in an effort to clear my throat. "Are you ready to go back to Grissom?"
Sara grabbed onto one of my clenched hands and gave me her trademark smirk. "As ready as I'll ever be thanks to you."
I know Sara's going to be alright after seeing that smile. No matter what happens I'll always know that I gave her the strength to make whatever decision she chooses.
A/N-Remember to review. Each review to my stories makes me faint in euphoria.