Awesome Chess Battle!
By Joeb
Disclaimer: Swallowing the chess pieces can give you magic powers... but at the cost of your life
"Are you ready for this!" Ness ran into the room with giddy excitement. He was holding a fancy looking chess set.
"Where'd you get that?" Mewtwo asked.
"Wal-Mart!" Ness said, getting $50 for promoting.
"I'll gladly defeat you and the empirical bastards at Wal-Mart!" Mewtwo laughed, floating up off the coach and over to the dining table, where they set up the board.
"Guys! Ness and Mewtwo are gonna play chess!" Captain Falcon shouted running into the flabber room where everybody was hanging out and doing stuff.
"We're too busy hanging out and doing stuff to care, dude!" Mario waved his long surfer hair across his face.
"Like, yeah man!" Fox waved his long surfer hair everywhere, because the long surfer hair was replacing all his fur, he had more hair than he could handle, got tangled in it, and dyed pink.
"Ha ha! Gay!" Pikachu salivated all over Pichu. That's the gay he was talking about... nobody noticed Fox because he's a loner.
"I noticed" Falco dramatized, he got the dramatization all over Fox, the effect was similar to that of battery acid. Fox's batteries were recharged. He recharged straight into the spear wall that was waiting for him, because this obviously wasn't the first time. They stopped the charge dead in it's tracks and killed his horse.
"Boxxy?" Fox cried, as he was impaled with seven different spears. Fox finally died and we can get back to the story.
Captain Falcon felt hurt at how uncaring and popular the other Smashers were, he decided he'd leave and watch Ness play Mewtwo in a game of chess. Captain Falcon's a good decision maker like that.
Ness took a white pawn and a black pawn, and held them in two separate fists, rather than his usual three.
"How unpredictable you are" Mewtwo said. "I will be white"
"How do you know which fist holds the white pawn?" Ness laughed.
"Because I watched you pick the white pawn up with that hand and you haven't done anything with it since" Mewtwo scoffed.
Ness opened his fist to show a magical bird... which is what the white pawn is supposed to resemble in the first place... so they put it back and started.
"You go first then" Ness dramaed.
Mewtwo opened with a King's pawn.
Ness responded with the Sicilian defence. He pulled a Sicilian man out of his pocket and threw it on the table.
"Is that legal?" captain Falcon asked. He was shhhhed to death by the Sicilian man who didn't want Captain Falcon ruining his plans.
"I play Sicilian man, with 5 strength and 5 defence! I play him in attack mode!" Ness laughed, holding some random business cards in a sexy manor.
Sicilian man did a pose.
Mewtwo responded with the Alapin Variation. He pulled a Simon Alapin world chess grandmaster out of his pocket and switched his butcheeks around.
"I'm quite varied!" Alapin shouted, doing a backfront.
"Alapin has strength of 20 defence of 50!" Mewtwo laughed, holding some random Pokemon card with his HANDS.
Ness went for a risky decision.
"I play Najdorf variation!" Ness shouted, throwing one of his cards onto the chess set. "He has strength 5000, and defence 12000!"
Miguel Najdorf, another one of those world chess grandmaster fools crawled out of Mewtwo's secret storage facility and prepared for battle.
"Well I will create tension!" Ness yelled, looking at Mewtwo in a loving manner that made everyone tense up on the inside.
"Well I will break tension!" Mewtwo cried, pulling out a butter knife at literally cutting through the tension. Peach was relying on that tension to provide her with a steady heart beat, and her heart beat turned radical.
"Death to America!" Peach yelled, standing up in the nearby flabber room.
"Man, that's not cool, yo..." Mario said before passing out from smoking too much long surfer hair.
Peach ripped Mario's long surfer hair out of his skull, and tied it around his neck. She tied the other end to a tree and did a good ol' fashioned lynching.
Peach died from the irregular heart.
Ness responded with the lack of any tension with the Blue Eyes White Dragon. "He's invincible and wins every match automatically!"
"Is that even a legitimate chess line?" Mewtwo pondered.
It didn't matter, the Blue Eyes White Dragon had cute blue eyes, and Mewtwo was suckered into accepting it's offer.
"I give up, and want to go on a date with Camonia over here!" Mewtwo cooed. Referencing the Blue Eyes White Dragon's name in case you're that dense (because I'm implying you are, because the best way to get positive reviews is strangely generalized criticism)
Sicilian man, Alapin, and Najdorf were shocked and made angry. They decided to go to their favorite bar to hang out and make political comments to blow off steam.
"I am still the chess grandmaster of the world!" Ness laughed.
Alapin and Najdorf rushed back and took Ness's head off, because they were the chess grandmasters of the world and didn't like being denied.
"Yo dude, like, Mario and Peach just died, can you like, do something about that?" Falco asked, waiving his long surfer feathers over his beak. The surfer feathers were confused, because they didn't have real life experience of other surfer feathers to draw back on what surfer feathers were supposed to look like. Lacking proper referencing, they died.
Without feathers, Falco couldn't think, or control his breathing. He soon died.
"Well, I guess we've proved who the real winners are today!" Mewtwo said, cooing into Camonia's white dragon...
Lesson to be learned: Don't do it. As much as they try to make chess look fashionable and sexy, and as much as they try to show how good it is for you... just don't fall into that trap. It's the elephant trap, it looks like you're getting a free pawn but you'll end up losing your queen.
And don't ask me where Camonia's white dragon is located, I don't know.