The Chaos and the Calm
summary: The life of young superheroes is chaotic, but its in the middle of the chaos, Dick and Conner find each other, find their calm. This is a series of moments between Dick and Conner that bring them together. (major Dick Grayson/Conner Kent slash…a few chapters include sexual content.)
genre: Romance, Hurt-Comfort, Drama, Friendship
rated: M (Adult themes, Sexual content in a few chapters)
author note: Shameless Conner Kent/Dick Grayson slasher. Title and chapter themes inspired by James Bay's album "Chaos and the Calm"
Craving
Sheer and wild abandon that's all I need
And someone I can trust
'Coz I'm craving, craving, craving something I can feel
Where do I go, what do I need, is it ecstasy or is it fear?
Am I on my own, am I even close
'Coz I'm craving, still craving something I can feel
"You okay?"
Robin looked up from where he was seated on top of a cot in Medbay, legs dangling over the edge and an ice pack pressed firmly to his jaw, towards the voice that called out from the doorway. Superboy was walking towards him, a hand rubbing at the back of his neck, sore from when he had been thrown back against a wall.
The two had been sparring and it had gotten heated, quickly and surprisingly. It had started out pretty normal and then escalated fast. A few minutes of offense and defense was all it was before Superboy had started coming at him with that reckless abandon that reminded Robin of when the clone first joined the team three years ago. Robin would be lying if he said it didn't scare him initially, but after a moment the heat of the battle invigorated him. Their bodies clashed as they fought; sweat dripping, breathing fast as they both threw strong attacks, both able to fight out frustrations they didn't realize needed to be vented. Conner had gotten in quite a few good punches, the most predominant being the one throbbing at Robin's jaw at the moment. But Robin had held his own and with a great lead up had been able to kick Conner back hard against the sparring room wall, even putting a nice Superboy-sized crack in it.
"I should be asking you that. I thought we were past the 'roid rage days," Robin smirked, pulling the ice pack away and flexing his jaw as Conner sat beside him on the cot. Robin ignored the hint of jealousy he felt as he noted that Conner's feet managed to touch the floor. Even at 16 he was still the smallest member of the team and was impatiently waiting for that growth spurt Alfred kept promising him was coming.
Conner snorted in amusement, grabbing the ice pack from Robin and placing it in sweet relief at the back of his neck.
"You weren't exactly a passive participant in there yourself," Conner knew he should probably offer an apology, but Robin didn't seem like he was looking for one. "What were you getting out of your system back there?"
"Everything. Or nothing," Robin shrugged. The truth was, Robin wasn't exactly sure if it was just adrenaline that had him match Conner's pace in the sparring room or if he too was taking his own frustrations out on his sparring partner as Conner had clearly been doing.
"That's not an answer," Conner replied, looking at the boy in amused impatience as he handed the ice pack back to Robin
"It's really not about me though, Con," Robin said, staring back at the boy, placing the pack at his jaw once more. "Miss M walked past the sparring room and you went all Superboy-on-a shield-patch on me."
"You're very perceptive," Conner sighed, leaning forward on his thighs, hands clasped between his knees. It had been six months since he and M'gann had broken up, for reasons he wasn't ready to disclose to their friends. He was having a hard time moving forward, moving past the idea of not being with her when that was all he'd known. But looking at Robin, he felt like he could at least trust the other boy with what was going on with him.
"M'gann was the first person who made me feel things I hadn't learned from Cadmus. And for her I was the first on this planet she'd ever felt anything toward. So we explored that new experience together but we had our issues and it had to end. I'm just not sure if it's her I miss or the feeling of being complete with someone; someone that made me feel human."
As Conner spoke, Robin couldn't help but see the boy differently, like a person he was meeting for the first time. It wasn't often he got to see a soft, introspective side of the half-kryptonian. His softened features when not in a scowl made him look younger and reminded Robin that even though Conner's age reflected nineteen, he was still only three years deep in this life.
Robin could understand what it was like to feel like everything you understood about life being turned upside down. He felt it in the worst way when his parents were killed in front of him. He felt it in the best way when he first put on the uniform and started fighting alongside Batman. And now at 16, he was feeling it all over again. Urges, feelings, doubts, desires, cravings that contradicted what he thought he knew about himself; things he wasn't ready to share just yet because he wasn't sure of them himself. All he knew was he was kind of thrilled by the sparring match they just had, if he was to be honest with himself. The way Conner fought, strong and wild, it was definitely something that had Robin taking notice.
It took a moment for Robin to realize that Conner had still been speaking while he was lost in his own thoughts. He had only been half paying attention and right now Conner was looking at him expectantly, almost pleading for a response.
"That was very ept-ly said for a guy like you," Robin smiled.
"Ept-ly?" Conner tilted his head, confused.
"Yeah, ya know. Like the opposite of inept," Dick nudged him with his shoulder and Conner just laughed. Dick was always breaking down words like that, making things appear out of nothing and Conner admired him for his vision.
"But seriously, Conner, I think you just need to take time to experience things. Learn about yourself. Not as M'gann's boyfriend, or Superman's clone. Find out what it is that you want, what you need, not what anyone else wants or needs from you," Robin placed a hand on Conner's knee, trying to reassure his friend. He though he felt a shiver run through Conner's body beneath his hand but wasn't sure if it came from himself instead. Before he could get a chance to find out, Conner jumped off the cot and turned to face him.
"Thanks, Rob. You're a good friend," Conner patted him on the shoulder once and then turned and walked out of medbay, leaving Robin behind to watch as he left. Raising the icepack up to his jaw, the swelling having gone down, but Robin didn't feel any less confused about the sparring match, about Conner, or about himself than he did before their conversation. He had given good advice, wondering if it was something he should remind himself.