Dumb Ex: Dumbkind Dumbvided
Chapter 1: The Cleansing
Adam Jensen made his subtle approach to the guestroom by swinging his robotic fist at the door and smashing it into a million splinters, startling the people on the other side and even making some of them piss their pants. He made it just in time to stop Brown and his guests from drinking poisoned wine. Soon he would be the hero that London deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
"What is the meaning of this?" asked Brown.
"Don't drink that!" said Adam in his usual gruff voice that was the result of smoking too many cigarettes. "It's been poisoned by bad guys!"
Brown lowered his head and stared at his glass. "Well if a random stranger says its poisoned, then I suppose it must be true."
All his guests nodded in agreement.
Adam seized the glass from him. "Here. Let me handle this. I've got an advanced filtration system that should allow me expel all the harmful fluids and restore this wine to its original state."
Brown opened his mouth, intending to voice a protest, but no words came out. Adam's social enhancer augment told him it was because Brown was too much of a beta male cuck to speak up for himself. Adam himself, however, was nothing like this at all. No, he was totally an alpha and he didn't owe any of his manliness to augmentations in any way whatsoever.
Adam put the glass to his lips, poured the wine into his mouth, and swished it around. He even gargled it several times. Despite the filtration process, it was likely that the wine would absorb all the plague that had accumulated on his teeth during the prolonged period of time he spent neglecting his oral hygiene on missions. It especially didn't help that he exclusively ate Crunchy Pirate cereal, soy food, and chocolate coated batteries advertised as Cyberboost Proenergy Bars. But hey, whatever Brown didn't know wouldn't hurt him, just like whatever society didn't know about the Illuminati's hidden influence wouldn't hurt them.
The alcoholic contents of the wine started to burn on Adam's tongue and he spat most of the wine back into the glass, though a decent amount of it spilled over the rim and a long gob of saliva slowly dripped down into it, which he tried in vain to fish out with his grimy robotic fingers.
"Uh, sir," said Brown, tentatively.
"No, I can do this," said Adam. "My HUD says the process is 50% complete. When I'm finished, you will be able to drink your precious wine."
He poured the wine back into his mouth and gargled it again, though this time he accidently swallowed some of it. The poison reached his stomach and immediately after he spat the wine back into the glass and then retched his entire stomach's contents into it. The yellow chunk filled vomit and wine mixed together, spilled over the rim, and splattered onto the floor.
"Ye gods!" said Brown, pulling at his hair. "Now look what you've done!"
"It's no problem," said Adam. "There should still be enough wine left for me to salvage."
Brown's face distorted into a scowl and he seized the glass away from Adam. Turns out he wasn't a total beta after all. "Or, maybe instead of making things more complicated than they need to be, we can just dispose of the wine, like so." He threw his glass to the floor and it shattered with a dainty chink.
The rest of the guests proceeded to follow his example, save for the one odd fellow in the back, who broke off the top of his glass and then stabbed himself in the neck just to see his own blood spew forth in a red shower. Just your average everyday videogame occurrence. Nothing unusual to see here.
Adam pointed a robotic finger at Brown. "You've made a grave mistake! Now you have invoked the wrath of HIM!"
"Stop playing the pronoun game with me. Who is this HIM?"
One of the room's doors opened and a muscular bald man with white clothes stepped forward and then stood in place with his arms crossed, invoking the traditional Gainax pose.
It was Mr. Clean, but he wasn't smiling anymore.
He was pissed off.
"I've tried to make the world a better place through my cleaning efforts, and all you people ever do is soil my work!"
Adam rolled his robotic eyes. "Sorry for triggering your OCD."
"I am not OCD! My endeavors are for the best of mankind!"
"You say that, but your method of cleansing involves harmful chemicals. Seems more like ethnic cleansing if you ask me."
Mr. Clean lowered his head. "So you've figured it out."
"You are the one responsible for the poison, aren't you?"
Mr. Clean raised his head back and grinned the most sinister of grins. "Yes! It is true! I wish to cleanse this world of the human race so that it may be clean once and for all!" He held out his hands and a sponge slid out of each of his sleeves and into his hands. "But first things first! I'm going to wipe that stupid look off your face!" He came at Adam, swinging the sponges around aggressively in circular cleaning motions.
Adam rolled his eyes and sighed. He held out his arms. They split apart and his nanoblades ejected forth in all of their awesome edgelord glory. (Though to be fair, I prefer the dragontooth sword from the original Deus Ex.)
Before the sponges came dangerously close to ruining Adam's perfect man-face, he jabbed his blades into the sponges and threw them violently to the ground with a wet smack. "SpongeBob's offspring won't save you now!"
He then retracted the blade on his right arm. "Hickory dickory dock, I've come to punch your cock!" He swung his fist at Mr. Clean's crotch. It made impact with a loud thump and a squawking rooster leapt out from his pants, having materialized from seemingly nowhere, and flew out of a window that just so happened to be left open for this particular occasion, leaving a trail of feathers in its wake. (Yeah, 'cock' didn't mean what you thought. Get your mind out of the gutter!)
Mr. Clean's mouth fell open. "I swear. I have no idea where that bird came from."
"You will have no idea where my bird came from either," said Adam, and then he opened his mouth wider than what should've been humanly possible, almost as if he had dislocated his jaw, and an automated cuckoo bird of antique origins sprang forth on an extending scissor mechanism.
The bird's beak hit Mr. Clean on his stupid shiny head with such great force that he flew backwards across the length of the room and his eyeballs popped out of his head, suspended by optic nerves stretched to their maximum length. He landed on his back and his eyeballs bungeed back into his skull, but their momentum was so powerful that his head imploded like a smashed pumpkin, producing a burst so loud it sounded like every balloon in the world had popped at once.
Even the world lagged to a single frame per second for the duration of the event, unable to process this information at full capacity. (Yes, lag can exist in fanfiction, too. Deal with it.)
Once the bird retracted back into Adam's mouth, he said: "What's the matter? Cant clean up after yourself?"
Almost as if in defiance of Adam's words, Mr. Clean's corpse dematerialized into a smokeless fire entity and coalesced into a spray bottle of Mr. Clean's Multi-Purpose Cleaning Spray resting on a glass table. It had probably been left behind by a really damn lazy maid who would probably be fired soon for not being elitist enough in her entry level job.
Adam picked up the bottle. "I should've known. Mr. Clean was a genie working for the Illuminati's occult division this whole time."
"Oh geez, that's not ridiculous at all," said Brown, sarcastically. "I mean what's next? Alien greys? Transgenic mutants? A machine god?"
All the guests fell silent. Somehow what he had said came across as awfully prophetic.
"Come on now. What kind of message am I supposed to take back from all of this?"
Adam brought up his text prompt augment and began reading the speech he had prepared for this very particular moment. "Mr. Clean took his cleaning obsession to the point where he wanted to cleanse humanity from the Earth. That may seem extreme by most people's standards, but the truth is that everyone has one prejudice or another. People will judge each other based on differences alone and see them as some dirty thing that needs to be rid of, but in reality, dirt is actually beneficial to the immune system. In this same way, if we unite with other people, regardless of their differences, we will become stronger altogether."
Brown scratched his head. "So what is your point exactly?"
Adam's glasses slid back together over his eyes. "Just let all the augmented people live in peace, or I will kill you and your family."
"Okay," said Brown, submissively.
An explosion went off in the distance. Adam paid it no attention. At the moment, he needed to stop Marchenko from blowing up some residential homes.