Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious, I only own the plot of this slightly depressing story.
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There was a time where she used to think that her life was perfect and that it couldn't get any better.
There was a time where she used to go to bed happily, with a smile on her face.
There was a time where she didn't worry about anything, especially not about things she was clearly too young for.
Then it all changes, and she's probably too young to realize how it all started. But she isn't too young to realize that something isn't right. She just can't figure out what it is, and why this all has to happen to her.
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"Why are they fighting?"
"I don't know."
"I wish they'd stop."
"Me too."
"Maybe I could ask them to stop."
"They won't listen to a nine year old girl, Jade. They don't even listen to themselves."
"Would they listen to you?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"In their eyes I'm a child too, and they're kind of right; I still am, somehow."
"But you're fifteen, you're almost a grown-up."
"For you, maybe. Not for them. They won't listen to me."
"Why don't you try?"
"I'd probably make it worse."
"Are you afraid?"
"Of what?"
"That they'll get divorced."
"Jadey, you're too young to wrack your brain about such things."
"Answer my question, Jason."
"Yeah, I am."
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When her parents start to have their regular fights, mostly about stupid, little, pointless things, she learns to turn a deaf ear, when it all gets too much.
At moments of silence, where nobody is fighting, she tries to convince herself that everything is still okay and that there's nothing to worry about. But she isn't stupid.
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"Where are you going?"
"Listen, Jade, your Mum and I think that it would be better, if we'd spend some time apart…"
"I'm not stupid, Dad. Are you getting divorced?"
"I wouldn't call it that; you know maybe things will work out fine, if we take some distance for a while."
"I'm not deaf. I can hear you fight."
"I know, but that doesn't mean that we'll get divorced."
"Sure."
"Look, sweetie, this has nothing to do with you or your brother, it's just…"
"What?"
"You wouldn't understand that, it's very hard to explain and you're still so young."
"I am ten, Dad."
"As I said, very young. Don't grow up too fast, my little girl."
"But you promise to come back, when things between you and Mum are okay again, right?"
"I'm not going to be completely gone, I'll still live in Los Angeles, just not in this house."
"Yeah, but one day you'll live here again, right?"
"…Yes. I'll come back, Jade. I promise."
He doesn't.
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One day she can't sleep and when she walks into the kitchen in the middle of the night, she finds her Mum. At first she overlooks her and gets a glass of water, but after some time she notices the smell of alcohol and it disgusts her. Next she notices her mother. She seems to be asleep and she tries to wake her up, but doesn't succeed. She's afraid, what if something is wrong with her Mum? Hurriedly she runs up the stairs and wakes up her brother, who calms her down as much as possible. He tells her that their Mum's alright and that she shouldn't worry. That's what everyone tells her.
Don't worry; you're too young for that.
But one day she'll be old enough for that and she'll have to worry, won't she? Why not starting now, so it won't be so hurtful later? But nobody thinks of that and keeps telling her not to worry, because this way it'll be easier for them. Not for her, but for them. And that's what's important, right?
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"Why do people get drunk?"
"I don't know. Maybe because they want to forget certain things."
"Do you think Mum drinks, because she wants to get over Dad?"
"Probably."
"It's not good for her, is it?"
"No, why should it be?"
"Just sayin'."
"Don't wrack your brain about it."
"You always say that."
"I know, cause I want you to be happy."
"How can I be happy, when I'm being treated like a child?"
"You are one."
"I'm eleven!"
"And I'm seventeen, so what?"
"You're stupid."
"One of my special skills as your older brother."
"What's my special skill?"
"Asking too many questions."
"That's not a skill, I'm just curious."
"You'll go far one day, Jadey. I can see that."
"Don't be all sappy and stupid."
"So, apparently I'm stupid."
"Yup. And sappy."
"I think I'm okay with that."
"Good."
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It's her 12th birthday and her mother promised to do something with her, but she doesn't keep her promise. She says she has a headache.
She's in her room and she can hear her brother and her mother fighting. Though she can't really understand anything, she knows it's about her. She sits on her bed for a while, listening to the shouting that comes up from the living room and tries not to cry.
After some time her brother comes upstairs and takes her out for a birthday dinner. They go to the movies afterwards and she doesn't care so much about her mother anymore. As long as her brother is there for her, everything will be alright, she figures. Somehow.
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"Dad."
"Jade."
"You broke your promise."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"You're not."
"Excuse me?"
"If you really were sorry, you would at least have visited. Or called. Or done anything that shows that you still care about me."
"I'm calling now."
"Not good enough."
"Anyway, happy birthday."
"That was yesterday."
"I know. I…was busy yesterday."
"Sure. Do you have anything else to say?"
"Yes, I'm gonna visit you and Jason next week. I feel like I haven't seen you two in forever."
"You haven't actually."
"Again, I'm sorry. See you next week?"
"I guess so."
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The morning, when she finds the letter next to her bed, after waking up, is probably the worst in her entire life. At first she's suspicious – a letter next to her bed? From who? But as soon as she opens it and as soon as she recognizes the handwriting, her stomach flips a little. And with every word she reads, her heart drops a few feet.
Jade, I feel bad, because I can't tell you this myself. I just can't take it anymore. And I feel even worse at the thought of leaving you alone with our mother. But I'm eighteen now, and I think it's time to move on. I might already be in New York or Chicago or somewhere else, when you read this. I just wanted to tell you that it has nothing to do with you; I just needed to get away from there.
She suddenly feels sick and hurries to the bathroom. She knows, where she heard similar words before, but she forbids herself to think of it. She stays in the bathroom for a while, sitting on the cold floor and shivering. Finally she gets up, knees shaking, and goes back to her room, forcing herself to continue with reading the letter.
Sorry, that I couldn't say goodbye to you, but I had to leave as quickly as possible. I will miss you, Jadey, and I hope you can forgive me. You are a strong girl and you'll accomplish everything you want, I'm sure. Just don't stop believing in yourself and follow your dreams.
Love, Jason
Yes, nothing has ever anything to do with her, but she gets hurt anyway. You can be as much of a nice person you want, people will hurt you though. Even when it's not your fault.
"It has nothing to do with you."
How often did she already hear this sentence in her life? Way too often, she decides. Maybe it would all be better, if it had something to do with her. Maybe it won't hurt that much this way. Next to where the letter was, there still lays the card that she got from her brother for her birthday, just a few days ago. She rips it in half. Screw him. Screw everyone. Screw her life.
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"Do you even care that he's gone?"
"He's my son, why do you ask something like that?"
"Cause you don't look like you'd care."
"Of course I care; I'm just able to hide it."
"Hiding it is no way of dealing with it."
"How the hell do you come up with such psychological statements at your age?"
"I don't know."
"Anyway, hiding is a way of dealing with it. It's the way of not wanting to deal with it, you understand?"
"No, that doesn't make any sense."
"You'll understand it one day, when you're older."
"I doubt that."
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Her Dad visits exactly nine days after her birthday and exactly four days after her brother left. She feels like she doesn't even know this man anymore. Her Mum doesn't say much to him, except for "She has to be home at seven", but she can see that it hurts her.
She tells him that she's in a play at school and that she got the lead. "Congratulations" he says, but she knows that he doesn't mean it. He has never been into that creative, theater stuff.
They go to a fancy restaurant, but it doesn't feel right. It feels like she's having dinner with a stranger. But surprisingly, she doesn't care. He doesn't seem to care either.
I'm probably not going to see him for another two years, so it doesn't really matter. That's what the voice in her head tells her.
I want everything to be like it was, when I was a little child. That's what her heart tells her. But it knows that it doesn't have a chance, so it gives up.
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She sits on her bed, glancing at the clock every minute.
00:34
Will she come back? Will she leave her alone, like her father and her brother did? Does she even care about her? She said she wouldn't be gone for long. She was lying. But everyone was, right? Like her father, when he said that he'd come back. Or her brother, when he said that he loved her. He obviously didn't, or else he wouldn't have left.
01:07
She tries to sleep, but it's impossible. The thought of being alone in this big house drives her crazy, makes her want to cry. But she won't cry. She is old enough to be alone, she decides.
"Don't grow up too fast, my little girl."
She doesn't realize the tears running down her cheeks, until her sight is completely blurred.
01:56
She was crying for almost an hour and slowly the fear and loneliness turned into anger. She is not old enough to be alone, she decides now. Twelve is not old. She wishes she could be stronger and stop crying. The feeling of being weak is not a good one. Probably because she was already shattered and broken inside, it all is too much now. There's a pain inside her chest, it feels like something's crushing her and she breathes heavily and quickly, desperately trying to get rid of it.
3:39
She must have fallen asleep. Quietly she gets out of bed and tiptoes out in the hall. It still looks the same as 3 hours ago. She opens the door to her mother's bedroom carefully, not wanting to wake her up, if she was home now. She isn't. The pain in her chest returns. She tries not to think of it and curls up on the floor. Maybe she isn't meant to have a family that cares about her. Maybe she is meant to be alone.
4:01
She is in her bed again and stares at the ceiling. After every little sound she hears, she perks her ears up, hoping it was a key, being shoved into the lock.
It never was.
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"Mum?"
"What?"
"Where have you been yesterday?"
"Home."
"No, I mean at night."
"I needed some fresh air."
"You've been gone the whole night."
"Please don't ask so many questions, my head hurts."
"Have you been drinking?"
"Jade, that's not something you should be interested in."
"But I am."
"Go to your room."
"But I haven't done anything wrong!"
"You're giving me a headache."
"But…"
"Stop with the 'But' and leave me alone!"
"You were much nicer, when Dad was still here."
"Please, just go."
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She spends a lot of time sitting next to the phone, hoping her brother would call. She knows that the chances he actually calls are small, but it makes her feel like there's hope. Even when there's not. She hopes that he hasn't already forgotten her, that he would come back sometime. He always gave her the feeling that everything would be alright, somehow. Who would give her that feeling now? Definitely not her mother.
She kept vanishing the last months, leaving her alone. She starts being able to deal with it. Or maybe she just doesn't want to deal with it, and hides how much it hurts her.
Her mother was right; now she's older and she understands.
Why hurting yourself even more by thinking too much about everything, when it's so easy to forget all the pain by pretending it wasn't there?
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"What's that?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Of course you do!"
"No I don't."
"Jade, you're thirteen; you need parental approval to get pierced!"
"I know."
"But I did not approve!"
"I know."
"Then why the hell do you have a nose piercing?"
"I know a guy."
"You take that out of your face immediately!"
"I don't think so."
"You are driving me crazy."
"You know what, I like you better when you're drunk and don't care what I'm doing."
"How dare you say something like that!"
"I say what I want."
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When she starts to discover her love for singing and acting, it distracts her a little from everything she wants to be distracted from.
She doesn't care that her mother doesn't even bother coming to one of the plays she performs with her local theater group. Actually she appreciates it; because she feels like this is not something she wants her mother to take part at.
There she also meets a new friend, a little girl named Cat with red velvet cupcake hair. At first the happy and bubbly Cat annoys her, and the bright color of her hair huts her eyes, but after some time she realizes how similar they would be, if her life wouldn't have changed so rapidly four years ago.
The redhead has an older brother too; all in all her family seems a bit weird, but so perfect and loving at the same time that she envies her.
A lot.
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"Jade!"
"What?"
"Come here!"
"What is it?"
"Why is there a letter in the mail from some school called Hollywood Arts?"
"Oh, the acting coach from my theater group signed a few of us up there. What does it say?"
"Well, you're accepted."
"I am? Cool."
"Whatever, you're not going there."
"What? Why?"
"I'm not sending you to a school that's teaching you things, which are no use for your future."
"Since when do you care about my future?"
"You're my daughter, am I not allowed to want you to be happy?"
"You have never done anything to make me happy. And not allowing me to go to this school won't make me happy either!"
"I don't care; I'm not going to let you ruin your life."
"Don't bother, you already did."
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Her mother gave in after some time and a bunch of fights and now she really is here.
She doesn't believe her eyes when she walks into the hallway of Hollywood Arts for the first time. And surprisingly all the bright colors don't annoy her or make her want to puke. It just fits. People are singing, and dancing in the hallway and she immediately knows that this was the right choice.
The first thing she notices is Cat, running up to her and bouncing like a weirdo, red hair flying around her face. But she wouldn't have it any other way.
And she thinks that maybe, yes maybe, everything will get better.
You'll accomplish everything you want, I'm sure. Just don't stop believing in yourself and follow your dreams.
Even when he's gone, he's still right.
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AN: So, I'm not sure what I should think of this, but I guess I just wanted to share my ideas of how Jade's childhood could've been with you lovely people. Yeah. And I hate the ending. Just sayin'. But how should you end something like this?
Please review and tell me if you liked it. Or hated it. Or whatever, just review. :)
xoxo MaggieBee21