Thanks so much to my muses jpraner and Ludi. This story was by their request. We had so much fun on this writer's retreat. They are the true writers. I enjoyed reading your work and giving my suggestions and supplying you with this comedy relief to your serious, fact filled writings. You have opened my eyes to the XMen Fanfic Genre.
Enjoy! LOL. Even if you don't, I laughed so hard writing this and you guys laughed at me for laughing at myself.
The darkness of the dingy studio apartment is only broke by the flashing neon light coming through the cracked single paned windows of the outer wall. Deadpool, in baggy black sweatpants, stands hunched over the counter shoveling unrecognizable food out of a Styrofoam container into his face - bits falling back to the counter as he chews. He reaches awkwardly for the beer that has become just out of reach and flinches. "Uhh…ahhh…uhhh…." He looks down his body. "I am so sorry Mr. Dinkles. You were having such a nice afternoon. Don't worry though, I will avenge you." He seems to recover from the pain and finishes his dinner. 'Ah fuck,' he seems to be mulling over an idea, 'well come one. We'll see how this goes'
Deadpool limps out of the kitchen in a sumo stance, slow and methodical. Surprisingly this flexed pose, really eventuates the muscles of his built physique under his mangled flesh. After much labor intensive yoga pose movements he stops at a door frame, where the grossest toilet you've ever seen is just visible through the entrance. He studies the width of the door and the width of his stance. He eventually turns and sidesteps into the space. The noises are indescribable as he seems to be fighting the door for his own real-estate. "Holly shit! It's so fucking teeny-tiny… microscopic… I don't even know if this will work it's so small. I mean what the fuck?"
The fight with the door happens again, in reverse and Deadpool emerges sideways from the bathroom. "I gotta get a new place with a bigger bathroom!... and less piss on the walls. Someone made a terrible mess in there." Deadpool turns to us, "What, did you think I was complaining about the size of something else? Pervs!"
Back in his normal closefitting attire and standing up much straighter than before Deadpool, in the same dirty studio, thumbs through, 'Elbows and Buttholes Monthly'; periodically turning the magazine to one side for a better view.
His concentration is broken with a wrap on the door, quickly followed by a envelop careening in from under the door, finally stopping halfway across the room. He eyes it for a minute, possibly waiting for the explosion, before finally with great effort dropping his reader on the floor as he stood.
He sauntered to the envelope and studies it. The shade is more of a pearl color, almost shiny, if paper can be such a thing. The calligraphy that addresses the document to him is embossed, with flecks of silver amid the black ink. No return address is listed.
'Look at this fancy ass-shit. Finally, someone with some fucking class has decided to thank me for my continued dedication to this fair city.' His head falls back a little, with glassy eyes dreaming of what the letter might propose. 'Probably presenting me a Life Time Achievement Award… with a buffet… and an open bar… and a check.'
His attention finally back on the letter rips it open, with so little care, that the cardstock on the inside becomes ripped along with it.
YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO THE UNION OF
MR. REMY ETIENNE LeBEAU GAMBIT
MS. ANN MARIE ROGUE
Your presence would truly complete this blessed day
Binding the souls of these two together
In this world and every universe
Together Forever
Deadpool's legs almost leave him as he tries to gather his bearings. His eyes scan the paper for more information and finally land on AUGUST 18th. 'That's today!'
In mutant speed he is out the door, leaving bits of wooden door frame cracked and splintered in the threshold. This apartment really is falling apart.
A Yellow Cab screeches to a halt in front of the XMen mansion. Instead of the dark dreary stone work and rod iron gates, white Crepe paper spirals around every rod and post. Bouquets of flowers spring from every viable perch. The taxi's door finally flings open with much yelling, directed from the front seat towards the back. Deadpool throws his body from the car, arm still attached to the unseen driver. Deadpool peels the driver from his arm and yells, "I'll owe you." From the ground he stumbles into a wobbly standing position, half running, half falling with forward momentum towards the back of the estate.
The back of the mansion is filled with rows of people in white chairs, facing an Arbor laced with thousands of white flowers. A couple stands facing each other below the arch of flowers, holding hands and shyly reciting vows to one another. Just as the minister was directing, "You may now k…"
"STOP!" Deadpool careens around the corner almost propelling himself into the seated guests.
Every single person swivels in there spot to stare at the new guest. Sounds of crashing glasses, gasps and hushed whispers fall over his ears as he tries to straighten himself and elegantly insert himself into the ceremony. He straightens his latex and saunters down the aisle toward the happy couple.
The groom with his virgin white tux and messy hair, glares at the intruder. If looks could kill there would certainly be something to worry about here. The bride in her flowing mermaid gown has her hair in a half up do, white curl cascading down the side of her face. She has fully let go or Remy and turned her body towards the trespasser, with her hands on her hips, seething.
"Yu R not welcome here", she screams as he continues his way of the aisle.
"I am so sorry for being late, where is my seat?" Deadpool finds his way to the front row and starts inquiring to seated guest as to whether they may have inadvertently sat in his seat.
Remy has had enough, "Non, get the fuk ota here. You don't have a seat." As Remy approaches as Deadpool starts squeezing his way into the front row between Storm and Jean Gray. They resist, but his weight and scooting of his bottom plants himself between them anyways. He looks up to see Remy glaring down at him.
Deadpool crosses one leg over the other. "Please continue," he sings.
Remy looks away for a moment to look at Rogue with a questioning look. When he looks back, Deadpool was no longer in the front row. Remy has to look around to gain his bearings on Deadpool's new location, almost becoming dizzy from the whiplash.
Before anyone could react Deadpool was standing before the bride.
"WADE WINSTON WILSON! What are yo…"
Before she can finish or anyone can approach, WADE grabs her body, throwing her to the side and fiercely kissed her, with only a slight fight from the bride.
"Come on, let's get outa here…" he winks.
Rogue's face goes through an inner struggle, landing on a final decision, "What took you so long?" She side smirks.
In a fluid movement, Deadpool stands Ann, drags her willfully away from the alter and just barely ducks Logan's attempted stop on the deterioration of the regularly scheduled program.
The new couple sprints their way through the back yard and through the hedges. The mutants try to catch them, but were delayed by the mass confusion of what was going on. As the couple barrel through the hedges they fall into the street just as a cab was coming down the street, squealing to a stop just in time, they jump in to the back seat. "DRIVE!" She demands.