No, Wait, What?

by Radical.2

"Why didn't you just use your wand?" Hermione asked him breathlessly. "And how did a Red Vine just save my life?" Ron turned around and faced something else with a strange expression on his face. He said, "Red Vines- What the hell can't they do?"

Written for HPJellicleCat's A Very Potter Challenge.

J. K. Rowling owns Harry Potter.

"Ron!" screamed Hermione, holding onto the edge of the cliff with one hand, and it was starting to slip, slowly and deadly.

"I'm coming, Hermione!" Ron yelled back, digging through his bag for something while she stared at him with wide, terrified eyes.

"Use your wand!" she called to him, but he just looked up at her and shook his head, then continued searching through his bag.

Just as her hand let go of the only thing leaving her suspended over the river, Ron rushed over to her with something in his hand.

"Grab onto this Red Vine!" he called, and the strip of licorice magically extended and strengthened until it had reached the falling Hermione.

She snatched it out of the air, and Ron was able to pull her up using the improvised rope.

Five minutes later, both of them collapsed on the ground, covered in a sheen of sweat.

"Why didn't you just use your wand?" Hermione asked him breathlessly. "And how did a Red Vine just save my life?"

Ron turned around and faced something with a strange expression on his reddened and sweaty face.

He said, "Red Vines- What the hell can't they do?"

Somewhere in the back, a man yelled, "Cut! And...that's a wrap!"

The hidden cameras all over the cliff scene withdrew from various bushes and trees, and, in one case, the other side of the cliff.

"We're Red Vine commercial stars, Hermione!" Ron exclaimed joyously to her.

"So I was never in danger at all?" she asked.

"Of course you were! Otherwise we wouldn't have done so great- you're terrible at acting!"

"You knew about this the whole time, Ron?"

"Yes!..Er, I mean, not all of it-"

"And what would have happened if you dropped the rope while pulling me up?" demanded Hermione.

"A gory commercial- not very good for the younger viewers, but there are some channels that would-"

"Ron," she said calmly, "You're a bitch."

"Cut!" yelled the commercial director again, "That's a wrap! Again!"

"No, wait, what?" asked Ron, confused. "I thought we were done shooting the Red Vines commercial!"

"No, we weren't," Hermione replied calmly.

"So you knew that you weren't in danger and that you were going to call me a bitch?"

"Of course! And I can't believe you called me a bad actor! And you would have known if you had read page three of the script!" Hermione said. "Oh, and Ron?"

"What?"

"You really are a bitch."

"Cut! And... that's a wrap!"

"What?" gasped both Ron and Hermione at the same time.

"There are four pages in the script."