Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts nor any of the characters, and I do not own "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin.
A/N: The song at the end is by Charlie Chaplin but I was thinking of and listening to the Glee version when I was writing this.
Smile
It was a beautiful sunny day, as I ran through the streets of Twilight Town. I dodged people along the way, my black cloak trailing behind me. I wanted to, no, I needed to see him. I made my way up to the clock tower hoping he would be there. He was usually there waiting for me, it was like he knew when I wanted to see him. I made it up the stairs but disappointment washed through me. He wasn't there. I slumped down against the wall. I cursed in my head, if only there was a way that I could get a hold of him. But maybe it was best that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to him. After everything we've shared I knew it would be difficult to look at his face and utter the words that would part us forever. I took a deep breathe and let the cool air calm my nerves down. I closed my eyes and felt the waves of sleep roll onto me.
I woke up to a white room. Somebody had moved me and I guessed immediately who that could have been. I sat up eager to see him. He was sitting on my bed, his back to me. He was talking, muttering something to himself. I strained my ears to hear him, while trying not to make too much noise. I realized he was singing softly. My soul filled up with joy, I had never heard him sing before. I listened carefully and made out some of the words.
"Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by if
You smile through your pain and sorrow"
I sighed softly as his melodious voice. He must have heard me because he stopped and turned around slowly. And though I had seen him countless of times a gasp rose out of lips at the sight of him. He was breathe-taking. His silver hair coming down past his shoulders. I could make out his strong arms under his black cloak. I could almost see his aquamarine eyes staring at me through his blindfold. My eyes made there way down to his lips. His perfect enchanting lips, that were turned up in a serene smile.
"Hi," I whispered breathlessly.
"Hi," he replied in his deep charming voice. I could melt in that voice, it filled me with such warmness. "You shouldn't make a habit of sleeping in public places you know, it could be dangerous."
"It doesn't matter anymore," I replied. It was true, I would be gone soon, so there wasn't really a point in telling me to be careful.
"Yes it does," he whispered so low I almost didn't hear him.
"That was a nice song," I said trying to change the topic. "And you sing wonderfully."
"Pft… Yeah, right," Riku smiled at me. "I flunked singing in school."
"What? How is that possible? You have a great voice," I almost yelled,.
"Thanks, but I think you might be tone deaf," he laughed.
"No, I know what I'm talking about. Axel sings all the time and he's awful, he even makes dogs cry," I laughed at the memory of Axel singing. The three of us, Axel, Roxas and I, were walking in a new world and Axel felt the need to start singing "You are so Beautiful to Me" out of the blue. The dogs that were walking past us turned around and chased us a good half mile when he started singing. I was laughing so hard at the memory that the side of my stomach started hurting. When I finally stopped I looked up and saw Riku looking at me with a strange smile.
"What?" I asked.
"I like seeing you happy. You have a beautiful smile," Riku said, making a flow of blood rush to my cheeks. If I didn't have a heart, how was I possible that I could blush? It wasn't fair.
"Thank you" I muttered. He stood up and made his way closer to me, he sat down right next to me and ran his hand down my cheek. He smiled softly, I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins as he touched me. This wasn't the first time he had touched me like this, but it could very well be the last. The thought sent a shockwave through my body and I felt lightheaded. My breathe hitched and I looked down at my lap, trying to control my breathing.
"So what were you doing out sleeping on the clock tower?" Riku asked, putting his hand back down to his lap.
"I was looking for you."
"Why?"
"To tell you goodbye," I whispered, trying very hard to control my voice from shaking. I thought I heard him make a noise that sounded strangely like a whimper but when I looked up at him his face didn't show any indication that he had made a noise at all. He was motionless, his mouth set in a grim line. The silence that surrounded us was thick with emotion.
"Say something," I whispered.
"What do you want me to say?"
"You could tell me bye too."
"No."
"NO? You're not going to say bye?" I felt like slapping him. How could he not say bye to me? I thought after everything we had gone through he would at least hug me goodbye. "Why not?"
"Because, I don't want to," he said and he almost sounded angry.
"Why? Why don't you want to say it? Do I mean so little to you that I don't merit a goodbye?" I started off in a loud voice but by the end of the last question it was just a whisper. I stared down at my bed.
I felt Riku pull me up and set me on his lap. I refused to look him in the face so I set my eyes on his torso. But he grabbed my head roughly and pulled it up. His lips crashed against mine. I barely had time to register what was happening when he pushed my body down on the bed again and covered it with his. His breathing was uneven and he forced his tongue into my mouth. I whimpered at the feeling, he moaned in response. That noise made me lose what little control I had.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled at his hair. His hand were all over my body, grabbing anything that he could. He bit down gently on my lower lip, I gasped at the feeling. But after awhile he started to slow down and I let my arms go lax. I looked up at him and was met with his blindfolded eyes, the blindfold a little askew after our fervent kissing. I reached up to undue the tie. He froze.
"What are you doing?" he said hoarsely.
"I want to see your eyes, just one more time," I said slowly.
He nodded. I untied it slowly, feeling the velvety material. I let it drop between us and I looked into his stunning eyes. They were such a strange color of blue, but the outer lining of his pupil was a golden color. It saddened me that he had to live with such darkness in him. His eyes however, showed every emotion that ran through him, I could read them all, lust, sadness, love.
He got off me, and I missed the warmth of his body on top of mine. He grabbed the blindfold from me and wrapped it around his eyes once more. But before he wrapped it around his eyes once again, I caught something strange. His eyes were filling with water. I sat up and looked at his blindfolded eyes, the water was coming through his blindfold and running down his cheeks.
"What's that?" I asked touching the drop of water.
He looked down at me and sighed. "A tear."
"What's a tear?"
"Water that comes out of your eyes, when your sad," he said slowly as if he were talking to a child, and in a way I guess I kind of was. He smiled then, "Or when you're happy sometimes."
"Are yours sad or happy?" I asked though I knew that answer. He looked at me but didn't answer, I guess he knew that I knew that they were sad tears.
"I can't tell you goodbye," Riku finally said. "I'm sorry, Xion, but I just can't." His voice broke when he said my name. He stood up from the bed and I got up after him and followed him. He made his way to the white door, took one more look at me, smiled a warm smile and left. The door closed with a resound bang. I stood there motionless for a while and looked at the door that he had left through.
I knew I could never be with him. And it hurt so much more than I, a nobody, had any right feeling. My whole body was shaking with the sorrow that raked my body. I couldn't think and it was an effort just to be able to breathe. And as I tried to take slow deep breathes something strange happened, I felt water coming out of my eyes. I touched the tear and I collapsed to my knees, as I let my body feel what it wanted to feel. The sobs that moved my body were so loud. My hands shook intensely as I grabbed my hair and screamed my frustration out. My frustration that I couldn't be with the man I loved. The frustration that he would forget me as soon as I left. Not even a memory of that passionate kiss we had just shared. I wished so hard that I could be selfish and stay. But I knew I wouldn't be able to, I knew I had to leave. I had no right existing, even more than any of the other nobodies. My stomach clenched as I let another deaf defying scream. Why? Why? Kept repeating over and over in my head.
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by if
You smile through your pain and sorrow
The song that I had heard Riku singing played through my head. I picked my shaking body off the floor with great difficulty. I almost collapsed again, but I grabbed on to the wall. My knees felt like jello and my head felt like it weighed about a ton.
You'll see the sun, come shining through
For up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness,
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying.
I picked my head up, and took a deep breathe. My soul and whatever heart I may have was shattering. I played all my memories of him in my head. His long silver hair, his aquamarine eyes, his laugh, his smile, his kiss…I thought about my friends as well, the friends I would never see again, never laugh with again, never share ice cream with. I went through my memories of Roxas and his carefree humor. And of Axel and his sarcastic ways. No one would remember me. But the memories would still be there, somewhere deeply hidden, and that was enough to get me to start moving.
Smile.
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
The last of my tears stopped. And as I walked to face Roxas, and my end, I smiled.