Frasier: Aspen for a Headache

by zooman

My story is set a short time after the very last episode of the Frasier tv series. Martin Crane has recently passed away, and Frasier and Niles and Daphne and Eddie all remember a couple of very strange incidents they'd had with Martin.

Frasier: Aspen for a Headache (this story begins one year after the ending of the Frasier tv series) PROLOGUE-It was a cold rainy morning, in Seattle that Sunday. Frasier, Daphne, Niles and the elderly dog Eddie all just sat quietly around the apartment living room, each lost in his or her own thoughts. Frasier and Niles both wore dark business suits, while Daphne wore a dark dress. Niles and Daphne both sat on the sofa together, breaking into light tears. Frasier sat in what had once been his dad's favourite armchair, with the old dog Eddie seated on the left side of the furniture. Frasier had a sad, slightly depressed look on his face. He frowned a little. "It's strange how we always take our loved ones for granted like that, untill they're no longer with us," Frasier thought to himself himself sadly, "I still can't believe he's gone." Niles folded his hands over his lap and slowly shook his head. "Rest in peace dad," Niles thought to himself. Daphne rested her head on Nile's shoulder. "Farewell Martin," she thought in sadness, "you were the best employer a woman could ever ask for." Eddie lay down on is left side. "I wonder if I can have hamburger tonight?" he thought to himself.

Frasier slowly raised himself up and began a very slow pace about the living room. It began raining even heavier outside. "This is a very sad occasion for all of us no doubt about it," Frasier said with a tear, "I'm sure all of us has a favourite memory of dad." Frasier stopped his pace and just leaned on his palms against the window. Niles and Daphne slowly embraced each other. Frasier slowly turned away from the window and wandered over to the sofa where Niles and Daphne just hugged each other. Frasier just stood there silently for a few minutes at the right side of the couch, sadly lost in his own thoughts. "The funeral is about an hour," he said finally. "Not an event I'm looking forwards too," returned Niles, as he turned away from Daphne and put his head in his hands, and began weeping silently. Frasier nodded. Then he grinned. "Ahhhhhhhh...look instead of crying in a hole of sadness like this, why don't we take this time to share some of our funniest memories about being with dad?" Niles removed his hands from face, and looked up at his brother. He smiled. "yes, not a bad idea." Daphne just smiled and folded her arms over her breasts. "I suppose we could take the time to recall some funnier memories of Martin yes," she whispered. Frasier's grin broadened as he folded his hand sin his pants pockets. "Well I for one, have one of my favourite, funniest memories of dad, "he recalled with a chuckle, " it was back in about 90...?... I think and I was still living in Boston..." "And you were attending your Menza meeting place: the Cheers bar," interrupted Niles, jokingly. Frasier wasn't listening to Niles, he just slowly lifted his head to the ceiling lost in thought. He broke out in a laugh. Niles looked at Fraiser. "You weren't thinking about the time in 90...?, when you thought Elvis had walked into the Cheers bar were you?" asked Niles. "And you got the guy totally annoyed at you when you followed him down the street, to his house asking for his autograph?" Fraiser ignored Niles, and just kept looking up at the ceiling, lost in his daydream. He was laughing. "I'm thinking about one of my funniest memories about dad in Boston in 90...something." Niles and Daphne looked confused. Frasier continued, grinning,: "I remember that time I was on a date in the Paul Revere Tavern..."

The Revolutionary War, boiled down to one man giving another man the cold shoulder!

ACT ONE- (YEARS EARLIER-BOSTON) It was seven o clock in the evening. Frasier sat at the heavy, wooden oak table in the old tavern, nervously checking his watch. The bar was busy that night with plenty of patrons coming rapidly in and out of the building, all evening. The fifty year old male bartender, standing patiently behind the counter serving one customer after another with a smile, wore an eighteenth century powdered wig, and an eighteenth century orange coat with three red bands over his white shirt, seen underneath the coat. The two barmaids were gorgeous looking thirty year olds. Each one had long white hair hanging down to their shoulders, and each one wore a long white dress, with short dark blue sleeves. Both of the women had been busily carrying trays of large bottles and glasses of beer to any of the many customers seated all about the establishment, but with a catch! As soon as one of the lovely barmaids would approach a patron's table the lady would shout:" THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier would always just shake his head in annoyance whenever one of the ladies would shout that. He just glanced uneasily around the tavern. The bar was designed to resemble a place from eighteenth century america. The brown walls were made of oak. There were 1700 paintings of blue coated and red coated soliders on horseback, hung about all over the walls. There was a gigantic bust of Paul Revere situated on a shelf behind the bartender. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier heard the familar barmaid shout from just behind him. It startled him for a second. Frasier wore his best blue business suit and tie, and he gently ran his hand over his beard, as he glanced down worriedly at his watch yet again. "Where is she?" he thought to himself. "Debbie was supposed to have been here ten minutes ago." Fraiser turned and shot a glance at the door behind him. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" he heard yet again, as a barmaid from somewhere's moved to a patron's table.

At that moment, Frasier's date pushed open the heavy, wooden door and stepped briskly into the Paul Revere. Debbie was tall, gorgeous with long blonde hair. She wore a dark green dress, and blue high heels. Two gold necklaces slung around her neck. She took one look at Frasier seated quite aways from the entrance, and waved to him with her purse in her hand, and an excited grin on her face. Fraiser grinned and waved back, equally excited. Debbie skipped happily across the bar and sat down in the thick wooden chair, at Frasier's table facing Frasier. She and Frasier kissed briefly a couple of times on the lips. "Hi, sorry I'm late, that traffic jam went for ages," she told the glad psychiatrist. Fraiser grinned at her, then turned to look up at one of the gorgeous white haired barmaids standing in front of the counter behind him. "Hey...miss!" Frasier shouted to the woman, "could we have two budweisers please!" Frasier snapped his fingers. The barmaid smiled, nodded and dashed behind the counter. Frasier then turned back around to smile at Debbie. The two began holding hands on the tabletop. "Wow this is quite a place isn't it?" asked Debbie excitedly, as she looked about herself smiling. "Yes it is," agreed Frasier, as he quickly allowed a look at a painting of a red coated, british soldier on a horseback, being pursued by an indian warrior also on horseback. He looked back at Debbie and grinned. "Not my usual haunt," he said simply. The pretty barmaid crept up to the left side of Frasier's and Debbie's table holding a thick, wooden tray in her left hand on which was balanced two bottles of budweiser and two glasses. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" she shouted, as she set the bottle and the glasses down on the table. Then she took the tray and walked away. Frasier eagerly poured glasses of beer for both he and Debbie. "I'm so glad we're finally going out together Frasier," crooned Debbie as she slowly drank the tall glass of beer. "I've been waiting for you to ask me out for so long now." Frasier just smiled as the white foam spilled over the top of his full beer glass. He then gently picked up the glass, and began sipping the tasty brown liquid. "Well, ever since things went south with Lilith, I find myself a little lonely at times, "he chuckled to himself, he took another sip. "Well, I'm sure there was at least one other girl," suggested Debbie as she too had another sip of her beer. Frasier set down his glass and wiped his beard with his hand. "Well there is now," reminded Frasier cheerfully as he and Debbie leaned across the table and kissed again, "let's just see where this goes shall we?" suggested Frasier. Debbie just grinned and drank more of her beer. Frasier then picked up his beer glass and slowly looked about, observing all the details of the 1700s decor themed tavern.

Frasier turned to look at the entrance, sipping his beer, and who should he see, of all people coming through, but HIS OWN FATHER! Frasier shook his head in surprise. "I don't believe this," said Frasier, startled. Debbie leaned over the table at the stunned psychiatrist. "What is it?" she asked. Frasier just kept eyeing the man who just popped into the tavern. HIS OWN FATHER! Martin was wearing a loud, blue and white checkered sportsjacket, and a black bowtie. Frasier kept staring at the man. He set his beer glass down on the table. Martin was greeted politely by one of the barmaids as he walked into the building, and smiled as he asked the woman for a pabst blue ribbon beer. He then moved quickly to a table in the right corner of the bar, smiling happily, as he looked about himself. Frasier looked at Debbie then looked back at Martin. "That's my dad sitting over there, " Frasier pointed to Martin seated in the corner booth. Martin looked about the busy tavern, looked at Frasier then immediately looked away! Frasier leaned back in his seat stunned. A minute later one of the pretty barmaids came over to martin's table carrying a tray in both hands, containing a bottle of pabst blue ribbon and a glass. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" she shouted. "IT"S TRUE MAN!" she told a surprised looking Martin as she slowly set the beer bottle and glass down on Martin's table, "WASHINGTON THINKS THERE COULD BE WAR, AND REVERE HAS AN ELABORATE INTELLIGENCE NETWORK THAT PROVES BRITISH SOLIDERS ON THE WAY!" Martin looked up at the woman, smiling, then poured himself a glass of beer, and thanked her. "Your welcome," the barmaid responded politely. "What the heck?" Frasier said to Debbie as he turned to look at Debbie then turned back at Martin. "What's he doing in Boston?!" "Are you sure it's him?" asked Debbie as she took another sip of her beer. Frasier turned back to observe Martin. Martin drank more of his beer, stole a look at Frasier while sipping his beer, quickly looked away again, then turned his back right around on Frasier! Frasier just shook his head as he watched his dad. Martin then got up and walked up to the counter, out of earshot of Frasier and Debbie. Frasier turned to look at Debbie. A look of bewilderment on his face. "Why wouldn't he tell me he would be coming? I know we haven't been seeing eye to eye lately but still..." He didn't finish. He turned to watch Martin in his blue and white checkered sports jacket and his blue pants saunter back over to his table, after the bartender gave him a small bowl of pretzels. Everybody else in the tavern just stood or sat around making happy conversation amongst themselves. Martin set his pretzel bowl down on the table, and focused his gaze in front of him, seemingly to avoid looking anywhere else. "What is going on with him?!" Frasier asked himself as he looked at Debbie then looked back at Martin then back at Debbie then back at Martin again. "Frasier c'mon," pleaded Debbie, as she grabbed Frasier's hand romantically, "let's just forget..." "Hold on, " answered Frasier in a very serious tone, as he stood up and walked towards Martin's table. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier heard the shout of one of the gorgeous barmaids from somewhere's way behind him in the tavern.

Martin just kept on staring intently at the blank wall right in front of him, as he pushed one pretzel after another into his mouth, ignoring Frasier slinking up to the right side of his table. "Dad what are you doing?' Frasier asked him. Martin ignored the question and chomped on another pretzel. "Dad what are you doing here?!" Frasier repeated his question. "I didn't know you were in Boston?" Martin turned his back on Frasier. Frasier sighed in annoyance. Martin then turned and looked up at Frasier. He had a look of puzzlement on his face as he eyed the psychiatrist. "Sy Flembeck, how do you do?" he smiled, and offered his hand to Frasier while chewing a pretzel, "I don't believe I know you..." "DAD, WHAT IS GOING ON!?" Frasier shouted, more than a little frustrated now. Martin just turned his back on Frasier again. Frasier just sighed and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. Martin then got up from his table, and walked up to the counter way behind him. Frasier followed him. Martin seemingly kept on ignoring him. "May I have another bowl of pretzels please?" Martin asked the 1700s dressed bartender, as the man smiled and reached under the counter. Seconds later he pulled out a large, green plastic bag of pretzels. the bartender then quickly pulled out a small brown bowl from under the counter as well, and ripped open the pretzel bag and poured the pretzels into the bowl. "DAD, WHAT IS GOING ON!" Frasier implored, while Martin still just ignored him and smilingly took the pretzel bowl in both his hands. "Enjoy it while you can, " warned the bartender in a strange tone of voice, "word is that war may break out any minute between the colonists and the british. Washington himself was in here the other day." Martin just chuckled, and he turned his back away from Frasier and the bartender, and walked back towards his table. "OK DAD!" Frasier wanted answers now. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier heard one of the pretty barmaids shouting to a patron she was serving far to the right of him somewhere's in the tavern. "DAD, WHAT"S GOING ON!" Frasier was on the verge of seething now, as Martin cast a furtive glance in Frasier's direction, then dropped his pretzel down on the table, and pushed another pretzel in his mouth. "HEY FRASIER!" shouted Debbie from across the bar. Frasier just ignored her and looked directly at Martin. "ARE YOU STILL MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING!? WELL I DIDN"T MEAN IT THAT TIME, TO BURST OUT LAUGHING LOUDLY IN THE MOVIE THEATER LIKE THAT, THE TIME WE WENT TO SEE 'BAD GUYS NEVER WEAR WHITE' BUT FOR GODS SAKE! THE SIGHT OF BRUCE LEE STOPPING A SPEEDING CAR ON THE HIGHWAY, COMING AT HIM, WITH JUST A FRONT KICK INTO THE HEADLIGHTS...WELL I KNOW YOU GOT REALLY ANNOYED AT ME LATER WHEN WE LEFT THE THEATER FOR THAT OUTBURST BUT GOOD GOD ! I COULDN'T HELP LAUGHING!" Frasier was shouting and shaking his body wildly in the middle of the bar. Martin turned around to look at Frasier. He broke into a smile and offered his hand again. "Sy Flembeck, how do you do?" he greeted Frasier. "And you are...?" "CUT IT OUT DAD!" shouted Frasier. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier heard the shouts of one of the gorgeous barmaids.

Frasier looked with surprise as he a saw a tall, young man wearing a 1700s bluecoated uniform of an eighteenth century solider coming slowly walking all through the bar from a back room. The man paced up and down a bit then walked to the way way back of the building and into the back room again. Frasier just shook his head. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" one of the pretty barmaids shouted again. "FRASIER!" shouted Debbie anxiously. "DAD!" Frasier shouted at Martin.

Martin then moved away from his table, put his hand on Frasier's left shoulder and ushered him speedily into the centre of the tavern. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier heard the shout of one of the barmaids. "REVERE HIMSELF RODE IN HERE THE OTHER AND WARNED ALL OF US!" Frasier heard the woman exclaiming fearfully to whatever customer she was serving."THE BOSTON TEA PARTY WAS THE ULTIMATE POLITICAL AND MERCHANTILE PROTEST BY THE SONS OF LIBERTY..." Martin made a nervous look at Frasier. Then he looked all around the tavern. "Ok ok, "whispered Martin, "the truth is I'm undercover right now!" He spoke as fast as possible. "I don't want you blowing my cover." Frasier just looked at Martin in astonishment. "There have been reports of several employees with this one ad agency in Boston, running a secret cocaine network, after hours in the building of the ad agency. The network is rumoured to be going between Boston and Seattle!" Martin whispered the information even faster now. Frasier just shook his head. A very surprised look on his face. His mouth opening wide. "HEY FRASIER!" Debbie's voice shouted, impatiently. "So, the Boston police force thought it would be wise to hire a few undercover cops from Seattle to pose as employees at the ad agency..."

Then, a fortyish looking, gray haired man with long red hair and feckles, and in a brown business suit, causally walked into the Paul Revere carrying a briefcase, and wearing a thick pair of glasses. The man took one look at Martin and smiled as he walked past Martin and Frasier and towards towards the bar counter. "HEY SY!" the man shouted in greeting to martin, "how's it going man?" Martin cast a quick glance at the newcomer. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier heard one of the pretty barmaids shout the words yet again, as he turned to see her to set a large bottle of Hamms Beer down on the table of an elderly husband and wife. Frasier just swatted his hand in the direction of the woman. Martin looked and grinned and welcomed the man who had just noticed him. "HEY CARL! HOW YOU DOING!?" "FINE," answered Carl as he headed for the counter. "I WAS SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOU SAY TODAY, THAT YOUR DAUGHTER FINALLY CAME OUT OF HER SIXTEEN YEAR COMA AND IDENTIFIED HER ATTACKER!" Carl shouted to Martin. Frasier shot a very confused glance at Carl, then looked with even more confusion at his dad. Martin just nodded and grinned. "UH...UH...YEAH! YEAH! WHAT A BLESSING! SHE'S OUR ONLY CHILD AND MY WIFE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'D DO IF WE LOST HER!" Frasier narrowed his eyes and shook his head at his dad then at Carl. "WELL AT LEAST THE COPS FOUND THE GUY WHO DID IT!" replied Carl. Martin shrugged his shoulders and looked squarely at Frasier. "Well, I needed to makeup a cover story to go with my cover," he told his son in a loud whisper. "THAT CREEP MUST HAVE BEEN ONE SICK DUDE ATTACKING THE GIRL WHILE SHE WAS..." "I'LL SEE YOU LATER CARL!" Martin shouted, grinned and waved off the man, as he ushered Fraiser furthur into the bar. Martin put his right hand around Frasier's waist. "Now look Fraze," he whispered urgently to his son, "I'm on a very, very important undercover operation here, everybody in Boston who knows me, thinks I'm a veteran ad executive named Sy Flembeck, and I can't afford any slip ups! YOU DIG!" Martin ended his words in a loud whisper. He looked at Frasier with a mixture of fear, urgency and cautiousness. Frasier nodded at his dad and slowly moved his body away from him and back to his table. "I understand dad, " he whispered back calmly. "Good luck on the operation." Then both he and Martin broke into grins and shook hands. "SY FLEMBECK YOU SAY!" Frasier said to Martin, "HOW DO YOU DO? I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE!" The two men pumped hands while pretending to be strangers meeting for the first time. "WELL I'LL BE SEEING YOU! SORRY I MISTOOK YOU FOR SOMEONE ELSE!" Frasier and Martin both laughed loudly. "I...I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ACTOR, JOHN MAHONEY!"" Frasier and Martin both laughed, but Martin looked very perplexed. "Who's he?" Martin asked Frasier. Frasier just slightly pushed his dad away and walked back to his table, while Martin walked back to his table across the bar. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" Frasier heard the shouts of one of the pretty barmaids yet again, in the Paul Revere.

Frasier sat back down at his table, and enthusiastically picked up his glass with his left hand and took a long, hard gulp of his beer. Debbie took a deep breath, as she looked directly at Frasier. "Ok, so the guy wasn't your dad after all huh?" Debbie asked Frasier with relief.

Frasier quickly turned his head and sent another glance in the direction of his dad seated at the table way behind him. Martin just sat looking intently at the wall while finishing up the last of his beer, from the glass in his hand. He turned to look at Frasier, smiled, then immediately turned away and looked even more studiously at the wall in front of him, while drinking up his beer.

Frasier turned to look back at his date again with a slight smile.

Martin, way behind Frasier, stood up and practically jogged to the counter, all the while casting uneasy glances at Frasier. "May I have another pabst blue ribbon bottle please?" Martin asked the bartender. "You'd best find safe hiding place tonight, man, it will be very dangerous as soon as british invasion begins! Let's hope our forces can hold them off! We may need the help of the rangers as well!" The bartender hurriedly warned Martin, as he turned around to pick up a pabst blue ribbon bottle of beer, on the shelf behind him, and without turning fully back around, unnervingly handed the bottle to Martin. Martin just shook his head and laughed as he shot back to his table carrying the ice cold beer bottle in his left hand. He made a very, VERY nervous, uneasy face as he shot a glance back at Frasier again, then turned his head to look back at the wall in front of himself.

Frasier and Debbie alternated between pouring glasses of beer and holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. Debbie smiled romantically at Frasier. "Well, I still have a ways to get to know you better," Debbie said to Frasier as they gazed eye to eye, "but who knows? Mabey you will turn out to be 'the one'?" Frasier and Debbie both kissed on the lips again. "Well I look forwards to getting you know you better Deb," Frasier mentioned softly to the blonde woman seated before him. "And as you say, who knows?" Frasier and Debbie both chuckled a little. They kissed on the lips again. "Now, let's not let anything spoil our evening!" Frasier commanded, as he took another swallow of beer. After he had drunk up all his beer, he turned to catch the attention of one of the pretty barmaids standing behind the counter talking seriously to the bartender. A guy made up like an indian Sioux warrior-brown buckskin, his face painted with red war decorations, stepped out from a small entrance way near the bartender and the barmaid, bent down out of sight of Frasier, stood up again, picked up a huge box of full beer bottles and walked out of sight through the entrance again. Frasier snapped his fingers at the gorgeous barmaid, who looked right at him, and stepped out from behind the counter and went to his table smiling. "Yes?" she asked kindly. "May I have a Hamms bottle of beer please?" Frasier asked the woman. "Certainly," she answered and turned away from him and headed quickly back towards the counter. Frasier then turned to gaze charmingly at Debbie and the two began holding hands again. Debbie smiled longingly at Frasier. "Now, nothing can ever spoil an evening for two lovebirds like us," said Debbie smiling at Frasier.

"Frasier?" Frasier turned his head, and was more than surprised at the sight of Lilith standing up close at the left side of his table, in a blue-green dress. Frasier's eyes opened wide. "Fancy meeting you here Frasier?"

Way behind Frasier's table, Martin was staring in utter shock at the sight of Lilith, and wasted no time in putting his hand on his forehead. He then dropped his hand, and turned his head to stare intently at the wall in front of him. He took a long swig of his pabst blue ribbon beer, while focusing only on the wall.

Frasier looked up at Lilith then looked at Debbie then looked back at Lilith then back at Debbie. A very confused look on his face. "Uh...yeah...uh...Debbie this is my ex wife Lilith. Lilith Debbie." Debbie looked very surprised then and bewildered. She reluctantly shook hands with Lilith. "Your ex wife," smirked Lilith as she looked down at Frasier, "I don't recall us being divorced..." "Uh...yes...uh...well...yes," Frasier looked into space very confused as he stammered for words. "YOUR WIFE!? Debbie shouted in horror at Frasier while shaking her head. She quickly stood up. "Look, uh, Frasier, I'm not into this kind of..." Frasier frantically waved his hands in the air. "Oh, no,no no no,. I can explain. I'm still married yes but..." Debbie started walking away from the table.

Lilith then looked way behind Frasier's table, and broke into a smile when she recognized Martin, who just sat there staring intently at the wall in front of him, while eitheir taking a swig of beer or pushing a pretzel into his mouth. "HEY MARTIN!" Lilith called to the older man seated way in front of her. Martin ignored the calls, while straightening his body and staring as hard as he could at the wall in front of him, all the while chewing his pretzel. "I DIDN"T KNOW YOU WERE IN BOSTON MARTIN!" Lilith called again to the older man, who just ignored her, while focusing on the wall of the tavern and having a long sip of of bee. "WHAT IS IT MARTIN? AN UNDERCOVER COP'S CONVENTION IN TOWN OR SOMETHING?! Martin's eyes opened wide! Wider than ever! He just kept looking at the wall, as he took another swig of his beer from the pabst blue ribbon bottle in front of him, or stuffed a pretzel in his mouth. Martin's whole body shook violently.

The red haired, freckle faced man, Carl, sat at the bar drinking a bar of Hamms beer and occasionally casting suspicious glances over at Martin.

Debbie was walking away from the table and shaking her head at Frasier and crying a bit. "A married man huh?" she weeped a little. Frasier just sighed and rolled his eyes up at the ceiling of the Paul Revere.

"THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" The pretty barmaid returned carrying a large, giant sized bottle of ice cold Hamms beer in her left hand and holding a large, blue eighteenth century, american colonial hat in her other hand. She put the hat on Frasier's head and set the giant Hamms beer bottle down on the table. "CONGRATS MY DEAR MAN," complimented the gorgeous, white haired barmaid, beaming good naturedly. "FOR BEING THE FIFTIETH CUSTOMER IN THE PAUL REVERE THIS EVENING, THE HOUSE WOULD LIKE TO REWARD YOU WITH THE TITLE OF GENERALSHIP OF A MILITIA FORCE, THAT WILL DEFEND OUR DEAR COUNTRY FROM ONCOMING BRITISH!"" the beautiful barmaid then stood as straight as possible and saluted Frasier. Frasier just stood quietly looking absolutely stunned, while he grabbed his giant sized hamms beer bottle with both hands, and struggled and struggled and struggled AND STRUGGLED to get the tightly capped bottle open. The pretty, busty barmaid, just walked away smiling.

"Frasier?" Frasier turned his head at Cheers employee Rebecca Howe standing right between him and Lilith. She pulled her brown coat tightly about her, as the temperature became a bit chillier. "Fancy meeting you here?" Rebecca shook her head and smiled, confused at Frasier, "I didn't know the Paul Revere was your kind of place." Debbie pushed her eyebrows together as she looked confused at Rebecca. "Well, people can change," chuckled Frasier nervously, as he struggled to open the tightly capped, Hamms beer bottle with both hands, while the blue, 1700s militia hat drooped down over his eyes. "You know me well enough by now Rebecca," Frasier said, as he shook the giant sized beer harder than ever. "I'll say," said Rebecca while shaking her head with a smile, "heck, a short time ago, I was the girl in your bed for cryin outloud!" Debbie shot a hurt look at Frasier, while pushing her lips together in a frenzied pout. "OH OK!" Debbie shouted, pained, "WAS THAT WHILE YOU WERE MAKING PLANS TO BED ME AS WELL!"" Lilith looked from Rebecca to Debbie in shock. She then craned her neck and went into a loud, fast snicker. "He was doing you as well, huh Rebecca!" She snickered some more. "It's good he had time on his calendar!" Lilith snickered even louder. Debbie's mouth drooped wide open in shock, horror, pain, disgust, while she looked at Frasier. Rebecca introduced herself to the hurt blonde woman. "Hi how do you do, I'm Rebecca Howe, "she and Debbie shook hands, while Debbie just stared hurt at Frasier. "Debbie Morton," Debbie said back, but never taking her eyes off of Frasier. Frasier just kept struggling to open the tightly capped, giant sized, Hamms, beer bottle, while the blue 1700s hat drooped even lower over his eyes. "I'll say one thing for you Rebecca, you're definitely not a vulcan from Star Trek," Frasier joked, as he shook the giant sized beer bottle ten time harder than before.

Martin, way behind the group at his own table, suddenly put down the bottle of pabst blue ribbon he was drinking and walked casually over to Frasier's table. He then looked around for one of the beautiful, white haired barmaids, and upon spotting one of the women standing behind the bar counter, he raised and waved his left hand at the woman. The gorgeous barmaid smiled, moved gracefully out from behind the counter and approached Frasier's table. Lilith took one look at Martin and got ready to say:" Hey Mar..." "SY FLEMBECK!HOW DO YOU DO?! HOW DO YOU DO?!" Martin interrupted loudly, and smiled from ear to ear as he grabbed and shook Lilith's hand. Lilith just stood there looking very perplexed. Rebecca Howe looked sharply at Martin. "Oh that 's right," Rebecca said to the older man with recognition, "I've seen you at that one ad agency I hired to come up with a Cheers bar song." Martin took his hand away from Lilith and smiled and nodded at Rebecca. "I'm an ad executive for that place." Frasier just stood there twirling his head side to side, and looking at everybody, while at the same time still struggling to open the giant sized Hamms beer bottle in both his hands. He shook the giant sized bottle harder than ever! The lovely barmaid walked up to Frasier's table. "Yes sir? Can I help you?" the woman asked sweetly, smiling. "Yes," muttered Martin. He pointed to both Frasier and Lilith, "those two are british spies! They should be arrested at once!" The barmaid raised her left eyebrow at Martin as she studied Both Frasier and Lilith, who both looked with surprise at the young white haired woman. Martin smiled. "I overheard the both of them talking amongst themselves, on their top secret plans, to invade the colonies!" Frasier still struggled violently with the huge, monster sized Hamms beer bottle. He was shaking the bottle as hard as ever now! His 1700s, blue, american milita hat drooped even lower over his eyes as he struggled violently with the beer bottle. Both he and Lilith laughed hard. The barmaid looked stunned at both Frasier and Lilith. Debbie was slowly moving away from the table and still glaring hurtfully at Frasier.

"SECURITY!" The barmaid raised her voice as loud as ever while making a stunned, worried face at both Frasier and Lilith. Two young men wearing green, buckskin outfits, and fake, green coonskin caps (along with each man having long black hair and beards) stomped quickly from out of the entrance way from behind the counter in the tavern. Both men carried phoney, eighteenth century muskets over their left shoulders. The two men stomped determinedly over to Frasier's table. "SECURITY, TOSS THIS MAN AND THAT WOMAN OUT OF HERE! THEY'RE BOTH BRITISH SPIES! The gorgeous, young barmaid pointed to both a shocked looking Frasier and an equally shocked looking Lilith. The two men in colonial ranger uniforms moved towards Frasier and Lilith and grabbed both of them. They then pulled the couple with little resistance (no pun intended) away from the table. "WHAT IS THIS MARTI...!? called out Lilith in puzzlement as she was dragged with Frasier. "SY FLEMBECK!" interrupted, repeated Martin loudly, with a big grin on his face.

Frasier was still struggling more violently than ever, to try to open the tightly capped, giant sized Hamms beer bottle. He shook the monster sized bottle as hard as was humanely possible, and then, finally, the whole giant sized exploded and beer hosed out drenched everybody in the bar, as Frasier and Lilith were being hauled by the two lawn green buck skinned men, across the bar and towards the entrance. Everybody in the bar all shouted in terror as beer went into their faces.

As Frasier was being pushed out the door, his blue militia hat drooping over his eyes, he happened to see Martin run towards the entrance and greet two middle aged men in trench coats come walking slowly and stealthily into the Paul Revere. One man was a short china man and the other man was a tall black man in glasses. Both men shook hands with Martin. "Sorry we're late Marty," the black man whispered very very quietly to Martin , while looking carefully around himself. "We have the info you wanted on the who's who of the cocaine network in the ad agency." "Let's go to the far table over there," Martin gestured his head to his head in the corner, where he had been sitting with his bowl of pretzels and pabst blue ribbon. "Don't keep me waiting like that again. I decided for us to meet here, in Paul Revere, in secret in Boston, because this is the best out of the way place in this berg there is," he explained very very softly to the two men. "The best out of the way place for us to have these meetings." "HEY, THIS IS SOME KIND OF MISTAKE MARTI..."!Lilith called out yet again to Martin as the two green buck skinned men pushed she and Frasier, with incredible force out of the entrance of the bar. Martin cut her off. "SY FLEMBECK'S THE NAME!" Martin shouted to Lilith yet again with a big grin on his face, as he looked right at Lilith and Frasier, while waving at them. "MABEY I'LL SEE YOU BOTH AGAIN SOMETIME!" Frasier and Lilith just went flying right out of the entrance way together!

Another day, another Frasier.

ACT TWO-Frasier was laughing hysterically as he stared up at the ceiling in a day dreamy kind of way. "Man, you two should have seen Lilith," Frasier snickered while shaking his head, "she landed right into a uniformed cop right outside the Paul Revere, and ended up being arrested for assaulting an officer! I had to bail her out of the jail late that night." Niles and Daphne were both laughing now as Frasier recounted the story. Daphne's laughing died down as she slowly rested her head on Nile's lap. "Well since we all decided to take trips down memory lane, none of you has any funnier Martin story than the one I've got," said Daphne, "mine will have all of us laughing all the way to the funeral." Frasier cleared his throat and looked down at british woman with amusement. "Well another funny memory story of dad is all we need to cheer us up right now," Frasier said. "Well c'mon Daphne. What's your funny memory story?" Daphne looked up at the ceiling, and broke into a big, wide silly smile. "Hey, do you guys remember when Frasier was away on that one business trip to Aspen, and I was..."

It was mid afternoon that September in 93. Daphne just lay on her bed quietly in her bedroom. She was reading a paperback copy of Oliver twist while lying on her bed in a pair of light blue pajamas.

Then she suddenly sat upright, as if in a trance! Her eyes widened and looked as if they were transfixed on an object in space. Her face took on a shocked contour, as she dropped the book down on the floor. She slowly slid off her bed and wandered about her bedroom completely out of it. First she had one vision of one Frasier sitting in his office in the radio station, in a brown business suit taking the next call. In her vision Frasier smiled as the caller came on the air. "Ah...here we go," introduced Frasier as he took the call. His associate Roz Doyle sat behind the glass partion watching the psychiatrist anxiously. She folded her arms over her white shirt and red vest. "Hello, your on the air with Dr. Frasier Crane," Frasier grinned into the mike. "Hi doc," a man's voice replied, crackled with a bit of static over the mike, "doc, I have a rather weird problem, and I was wondering if you could help me out with it. It's something that's been very personal to me for awhile." Frasier's grin deepened. "Well spit it out man," said Frasier briskly into the mike, "after all that's what I'm here for..."...the vision became even stronger for Daphne as she moved slower and slower as if in a trance all about her room..."ok here goes," the man's voice answered from the mike, "well I've been married for ten years, a seemingly happy marriage, and for some strange reason...well...I find myself having this fantasy of seeing my wife in bed nude with another man!" Frasier took puffed out his cheeks, made a leering vampire face and rested his chin in hand. Roz Doyle looked stunned at Frasier through the glass. "I see," said Frasier gruffly. He looked like he was becoming lost in thought...the vision became even stronger for Daphne..."well yes," continued Frasier,"that certainly is ...ummmmm...well," Frasier seemed to be lost for words as he ran his hand over his large forehead. "The fantasy becomes very intense sometimes," the man's voice explained in more detail (in the vision, Daphne could also see Bulldog and a few of the radio station staff gathered together behind the glass, behind Frasier, and Bulldog had his mouth wide open in a huge belly laugh)..."I told my wife about it, the fantasy I have of her being in bed with another man, and she thinks it's pretty sick and she says to me: "HEY, MY GOD! I'm YOUR WIFE!"...the vision began to fade out for Daphne, like losing a tv signal, she still wandered in trance all over her bedroom, her movements becoming slower and slower. Then another vision came on of Frasier slowly getting up from his seat behind the mike. "As you know, I'm going away on a business trip to Aspen Colorado, so Dr. Joy McDowell will be taking over for me." Frasier grinned like a cheshire cat into the mike, "this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying goodbye Seattle..." The vision then ended for Daphne. Daphne then collapsed on her bed in exhaustion. Then it happened again. Another vision took hold of Daphne...the vision became stronger for Daphne...she thought she saw herself in a man's arms, she and this man (she only got a very, very blurry, fuzzy image of this man and she couldn't see what he looked like), she thought she saw herself and the man seemingly kissing on the lips, she saw herself and the man embracing and rolling around on the floor together...

Hours later, Daphne walked very, very slowly out of her bedroom as if In a complete trance. She happened to come across Martin sitting at the dining room table in the apartment, eating his dinner. Eddie, the dog, sat on his armchair nearby. It was evening. Martin was wearing his gray bathrobe. He looked up at Daphne. "Hey Daph," he said while chewing his food, "what's going on? You look like you've seen a ghost." Daphne slowly sat down at the other end of the table still apparently lost in a trance. "I just had a vision," she told the older man in amazement, "I had a vision that I may have finally found my true dream man. My Romeo." Martin stopped eating and just looked at her bewildered. Then he sighed. "This ought to be very interesting," he spoke quietly out of ear shot of Daphne. Daphne looked as though she'd suddenly come out of her trance like state completely, and leaned over, closer towards. "I had a vision about where to find my true Romeo! The man of my dreams. And I don't even know he is as yet." Martin shook his head, not understanding. "Let me explain," said Daphne...

Hours after that, Daphne had finished, Martin just sat staring at her even more bewildered than before. "Let me get this straight," Martin said at last. He still looked at her very puzzled. "You only know that you will end up with this man at the Romantic Hearts Honeymoon Hotel in Aspen, and that it will be tomorrow night sometime?" Martin shook his head at Daphne. He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Man, oh man oh man oh man." "I never had a vision this clear before Mr. Crane," Daphne said in her thick english accent, "it was the most clearest, most romantic psychic vision I think I ever had! I had such a powerful feeling that the man of my dreams will be waiting for me at that honeymoon hotel in Aspen tomorrow night! I think if I blow this chance, I'll blow my chance to finally find true happiness with what could be my dream man." She then just put her face in her hands. "I know, I don't expect you to believe me Mr. Crane." Martin just smiled and put his hand comfortably on Daphne's left shoulder. "Daphne," he spoke in a melodious tone of voice, "this vision could be your ticket to the man of your dreams forever. Your one true chance of happiness and you know it." "I never had a vision so powerful like that before," repeated Daphne, as she raised her head to look at Martin, "I had such a powerful feeling that i would be face to face with true love at that hotel tomorrow night." Martin raised his eyebrows and smiled at her. "Do you want to take this chance and go?" he asked the dazed young woman. "Yes," answered Daphne after a pause. "Then go," encouraged Martin, "I can get by without you for one day." He put both his hands on Daphne's shoulders. "C'mon Daph. Tomorrow morning book a flight to Aspen, where Frasier currently is on business, and take this chance. You'll regret it forever if you don't." There was another long pause. After awhile Daphne looked right at Martin and said: "Tomorrow I'm going." Martin beamed. "Good for you! I'm encouraging you to do this with every fiber of my being." He and Daphne just sat silently smiling at each other. Then he slowly got up from his seat while leaning on his cane. "Anyways I'm off to bed. Goodnight Daph." And with that he turned and limped down the hall towards his bedroom. "C'mon Eddie," he grunted to the pooch, as he limped down the hall.

Eddie slowly got up off his the armchair, and just wandered slowly about the living room as if in a trance. Daphne just looked with surprise at the animal. Martin walked back into the living room and looked down at the pooch, his face took on a mask like appearance. "He probably had a vision of Lassie from somewhere's," Martin said after a few minutes.

It's been said that love finds you when your'e not looking for it. Eitheir that, or you're using a crystal ball!

ACT THREE-The plane from Seattle to Aspen landed safely without a hitch, that next night.

Daphne walked down the street and right up to the hotel she had seen in her vision, late that evening A big, blue neon sign flashed over a gigantic plastic red valentine. The blue neon sign read: ROMANTIC HEARTS HONEYMOON HOTEL. Daphne looked up and down the ten story hotel. "What am I doing here?" she thought uneasily to herself. "Chasing a dream man like this, this is really really stupid." She walked through the revolving door and into the lobby of the building.

Daphne walked cautiously up to the desk, in the lobby and was greeted by a young, burly, dark haired male clerk in a red business covered in images of small red valentines outlined in black. "may I help you?" the young clerk smiled at her, as he stood behind the desk counter. "Yes," said Daphne nervously, her purse slung over her left shoulder, of her long sleeved white shirt. She stuffed her hands into her brown pants pocket. "My husband will be...uh...arriving soon...and uh...I'd like room 13 please." Daphne thought to herself very very unnervingly: "ok now, room 13 was the room number I saw saw distinctly in the vision. I know it's the room where I'll find my man." The hotel clerk adjusted his red tie, shook his head and turned to punch some buttons on his computer. "Well...ok," he said curiously, "room 13 is available. I mean usually our policy is only to take reservations a month in advance, but since according to the computer, room 13 is currently unoccupied...I guess you can have it." Daphne smiled. "That''ll be 123 bucks," said the clerk giving the hotel fee.

Daphne, got off the elevator and into the red carpeted hallway and walked down the white wallpapered hall towards room 13. She was swinging her purse more nervously than ever as she hustled herself quickly down the hall towards the room. She reached the room. ROOM 13 it said in bright red block letters on the door. A large image of a red valentine was on the door right below the letters. Daphne took her key and unlocked the door. "I feel like that little boy in the Shining," she thought uneasily to herself, as she unlocked the door and walked inside the room.

The room was a very large honeymoon suite, with three bedroom. It was beautifully furnished with the most gorgeous red furniture she had ever seen. A red carpet. A giant image of a red valentine on one of the walls. Soft, romantic music was playing from an unknown source all over the suite. Daphne smiled and danced a little bit. She shut the door and wandered about the room studying her new surroundings. "Ok now what?' she thought to herself, "I just wait for the man of my dreams from my vision to come waltzing in very soon." "Oh that must have just been the housemaid that came in before," Frasier's voice could be heard coming from the kitchen. Daphne stopped moving and just stood stunned. Her eyes opened wide! She quietly tiptoed through the large hotel suite in the direction of the kitchen. She carefully peered around the corner to allow herself a look of what was going on in the huge kitchen. Her whole mouth opened wide! She saw Frasier standing in the middle of the kitchen in a white business shirt, a red tie, black pants and facing him was a very very attractive oriental woman of average build and long black hair tied in a bun. The woman wore a white short sleeved shirt and blue pants and boots. Daphne gasped at the sight of it! Frasier and the woman were kissing on the lips and drinking small glasses of some pink wine in their hands. "this is our night babe," Frasier crooned romantically to the woman, "just the two of us. Nobody knows we're here. Nobody." He and the woman kissed on the lips more passionately. "Nobody?" asked the lovely oriental woman. She broke into a grin. "Not your family? Not your servant?" Frasier just grinned and took a sip of his inwe. "Nobody," he said, "they all think Im staying at the Hilton." He chuckled. "that's what I told them! Hahahahahahaah. I said that so nobody could ever know about us, or bother us, or disturb us." He and the woman kissed more passionately than ever. Daphne stared in shock at the pair as she kept peering around the corner into the kitchen. The woman laughed. "Wasn't it great before, how we rolled all over the floor doing it to the tune of Los Indios Tabajaras for hours. " The woman virtually whispered the words into Frasier's ears as she gently kissed his nose. Daphne looked from the kitchen and crossed her eyes. "So THAT'S what the vision meant!" she thought to herself, crossing her eyes. "I wasn't seeing me and my dream man, I was seeing Frasier and the Bride of Fu manchu!""She slapped herself repeatedly over her head. "You want to go into the bedroom and make some loud noises?" the oriental woman asked the smitten psychiatrist, who kissed her again on the lips.

Daphne darted/tip toed as silent as a mouse away from the kitchen and moved down the hallway and back into the living room of the massive hotel suite. "That computer in the lobby must have made a horrible mistake!" Daphne thought to herself in frustration, as she reached the door "I better find another pla..."

At that moment, Daphne found the door simply wouldn't budge! She tried and tried and tried and tried, but the door simply wouldn't open! "The door's jammed!" Daphne thought to herself panicky.

Frasier and the oriental woman all rushed into the living room looking very very shocked at the sight of Daphne! Daphne turned around and faced them equally shocked! Frasier and the oriental woman just stood staring at Daphne in five minutes of shock. Daphne stood there equally shocked, Their mouths all opened wide as they stared at each other. "That's not the maid," the woman told Frasier in a rather jealous tone of voice, with bits of anger, while slowly turning to glare at the psychiatrist. "Do you bring girls up here often?' Frasier just stared dumb struck at Daphne.

Daphne, Frasier and the oriental woman all sat around the living room of the huge hotel suite. Daphne just sat in a chair looking down at the floor very embarrassed, while Frasier and the oriental woman both sat on the sofa at the other side of the suite glaring at the young woman. "Room service said they'd be here early tomorrow morning to un jam the door so that's no problem," Frasier said slowly and glaringly to Daphne. "But boy oh boy oh boy !This...this...this...this really stinks!""" The oriental woman also kept glaring at Daphne. "Is that how you get your kicks or something? Watching other couples doing it?" the oriental woman barked to Daphne. Daphne just kept looking down at the floor. "That computer in the lobby really screwed up," said Daphne, "so did my vision." "It must have been really hard for you and Lilith, with her probably watching you guys in bed, through the peephole every night, " added the oriental woman sarcastically. Daphne slowly turned her head to look glumly and embarrassingly at Frasier and the oriental woman. Finally Daphne spoke to the couple. "Uh...well...if you'd like you two could go in the bedroom, while I...," The oriental woman interrupted her in a grouchy tone of voice. "While you listen in outside the door you mean?" She glared more intently at Daphne.

They don't make funerals like they used too.

EPILOGUE-Daphne just lay on the couch laughing hysterically as she thought of the now funny memory. "If it hadn't been for Martin's pushing me, his constant encouragement to go off like that, I never would have had the nerve to go Aspen in the first place," giggled Daphne. Frasier smiled down on her. Niles embraced her in a lovingly way. "Of all the Martin Crane stories you remember that one huh?" asked Frasier sarcastically.

Niles suddenly pushed Daphne off of him and stood up off the couch. "I just remembered, Maris promised to send some flowers to put on dad's grave, so I'd better check if the flowers arrived." Niles walked to the door. Frasier walked into the kitchen. "It wasn't just dad who posed undercover that time," Frasier's voice echoed out of the kitchen, "as I recall now Roz told me that she briefly had a job as a news reporter in Boston for awhile. She changed her name to Holly, and covered Woody's election to councilman.' Frasier chuckled. "She said that she was hiding out from an abusive ex boyfriend. By that girl!"

Niles opened the door of the apartment. "Now let's see if Maris sent the flowers or not..." He stopped suddenly at the open door. He looked in shock into the hallway and slammed the door. Frasier walked back into the living room carrying a small brandy snifter in his right hand. "Hey, what's going on Niles?" Niles just leaned back against the door and stared at Frasier in horror. "Did Maris send the flowers or not?"Niles just continued staring at Frasier in horror. "Well...yes...she did...but ...uh...I think she got a little carried away as she always does." Daphne stood up, looking interested now. "What's going on Niles? Did Maris send the flowers or not?"

Right outside the door of Frasier's apartment, the hallway was literally jam packed with over 1000 packs of roses stacked from the floor to the ceiling! There were roses everywhere! The hallway looked like a jungle of roses!

In memory of John Mahoney-1940-2018