Author's Note: The characters below and all things SVU belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm only borrowing them and promise to put them back in the box when I'm done. I write for fun, not profit. No infringement, harm or foul is intended. In honor of the lovely Stephanie March reprising her role as Alexandra Cabot in tonight's episode of SVU after her four year absence from the show, I wanted to post this today. It's just in case tonight isn't everything we Alex/Olivia fans hoped and dreamed for Alex's return. It's fluffy and I am rating it M mostly for language but there are also some adult situations. I hope you enjoy it. Happy Stephanie "Alex Cabot" 10th-day-of March to you all!!
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Liv flinched as the young blonde doctor put the finishing touches on her stitches.
"Sorry, Detective Benson. Almost done." She gave an apologetic look.
Detective Olivia Benson surveyed the doctor. The pretty blonde looked too young to be a doctor. 'One of the first signs you're getting old is that doctors look a little young to you.' "Thanks, doc."
The doctor bandaged the wound and handed Liv a sheet of paper. "The nurse will be in shortly to go over wound care. And she'll have your release papers. You'll just need to take it easy for a couple weeks, but you're going to be just fine."
Liv shrugged. "It was a big blade and I pulled away, so it couldn't have been very deep."
"Either way, ten stitches in the abdomen is nothing to sneeze at. Be sure to take care of yourself, detective." The doctor gave one last smile at the brunette as she pulled the curtain temporarily aside and left.
Liv was figuring out how to properly cover herself back up with her gown when the curtain was pulled aside again. She was looking down at her bandaged stomach and fussing with her gown when she called for help. "Nurse, how do I...?" She looked up.
"Hi. Are you ok? Want me to go get the nurse?" The blonde stood awkwardly looking at her.
Liv blinked and shook her head. She hadn't been given anything strong for the pain and she hadn't hit her head.
"Say something to let me know you're ok, Liv. I heard you had been stabbed and...I...Liv?" The leggy blonde took a couple steps closer. "Olivia?"
"Fine." It was the only word she could say. The woman standing in front of her had been ripped violently from her life five years ago. She knew she had come back from Witness Protection a couple years back, but just as painful was the fact that the woman she never told how she felt didn't call to say she was back or make any effort at all to see her. The pain of that fact cut Olivia to the quick still. Alex turning up, here, now made no sense at all. "What do you want?"
Alex wasn't sure what she expected from Liv. She had made a decision not to contact her because she put her career first. Yes, she lived in liberal New York City...but it would be that much harder for her to excel in a career already dominated by conservative men. She had made a choice and that choice did not include Olivia Benson or any of her old friends at the 1-6. Further, she hadn't even had the guts to give her the courtesy of a heads up. When she heard earlier this evening that Olivia had been seriously stabbed in the stomach, her resolve to avoid the dark haired, dark-eyed detective who still held her heart captive crumbled and she rushed to the hospital. Now that she was here, she was ill prepared for Olivia's ire. "To...uh...I wanted to..."
Olivia sat with her hands useless in her lap. It was insulting beyond description to sitting half naked in front of Alex Cabot like this. Quickly she felt angry tears threatening to fall. "You wanted to what Alex? What did you want after all this time?" Her hands began to shake and she again fumbled with her gown for some sort of protection against the swell of emotions.
Seeing how profoundly her presence was affecting Olivia affected Alex two-fold. It simultaneously broke her heart and filled her with hope. Emotion overwhelmed Alex and she decided to act since thought was not currently her forte. She walked the rest of the distance to the table where Liv sat.
Liv put up a shaking hand in protest. "No." She whispered.
Alex took the cold trembling hand in her own warm ones. She leaned down and pressed her lips very lightly to Olivia's and pulled back. "I still care. I never stopped."
"No." Liv said again as tears finally escaped her eyes. "No, you don't get to just show up. Not now." She shrugged away from her.
"I deserved that. But I...had to come. Can you at least please tell me if you're ok?" Alex adjusted her black-rimmed glasses on her patrician nose. "Please."
Liv grabbed her hand back. "Barely a scratch. I'm fine."
"Hi Detective. I'm Sam, your nurse." The bubbly young man smiled broadly at both women. "Let's review your wound care, treatment plan, follow up, sign this bad boy and get you ladies on your way home."
"Oh, I'm not...we're not...she doesn't...live with me." Liv finally managed.
"Oh, sorry. Will she at least be getting you home and staying with you overnight? We can't release you otherwise." Sam never stopped smiling and looked back and forth between the women. "No one that you told us to ask for was in the waiting room, Ms. Benson."
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"I'll be fine from here. Thanks." Liv's jaw was clenched, her shoulders set in anger.
"Look, I signed a document that said I was responsible for you tonight. So I'm taking you home and making sure you're alright overnight." Alex's face was pure resolve.
"What? You afraid Sam the smiling nurse will sue you if my boo-boo doesn't heal right? Get over it and over yourself, counselor." Liv turned in the direction of a taxi and lifted her arm gingerly.
"Olivia I am not letting you get in a cab. I honestly forgot how bullheaded you could be." Alex grabbed her arm.
"Do nottouch me, ok? And was it easy to forget? To forget about me and the squad and…and…and everything else? Just stay away from me, Alex. You're real good at that." Liv stormed away slightly hunched over.
Alex closed her eyes. Every word Olivia had said was true. She strode after her. "Stop, Liv. It was NOT easy. Actually, it was the hardest thing I ever did and I hate that I did it. But seriously, right now let me drive you home before you tear your stitches storming off in a huff."
Liv stopped. "This cannot be happening." She spoke to the sky. "Fine. Drive me home, but it doesn't change a God damned thing, Alex." She spat the words at the woman who used to mean so much to her.
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"Ok, you got me here. Now," Liv put up her hands, "please do us both a favor and go back where you came from. Thanks." She unlocked her front door and attempted to push it open. As she pushed, she tweaked her stitches and gave a small yelp.
Alex shook her head. "You can't even open your own front door without yelping, Olivia. Let someone help you...for once in your stubborn, pigheaded life." She pushed the door open and Liv brushed past her.
Liv's eyes narrowed and her jaw remained clenched. "I, uh, I wouldn't know how." She mumbled under her breath.
Alex sighed and followed her in to the apartment. "Neither did I." She closed the door behind her. "Look, I know it's not easy and I know I just showed up, but can we please just not do this right this very second?"
Olivia opened her arms. "Sure, fine, of course. Whenever the mighty Cabot is ready, just have your people call my people." She huffed down the hall. "Screw you, Alex, and the high horse you rode in on."
Alex took a deep, unsteady breath and looked heavenward. She then looked at the paper bag she held in her fist. "You need to take your medicine before you go to sleep!" She took off her coat and hung it on the hook. She stepped out of her Etienne Aigner shoes and padded down the hall with bag in hand.
"You are not my freaking mother. Actually, you're not my freaking anything, Alex." Liv spat through the closed door of her bedroom. She was acting like an angry teenager, but she honestly didn't care. She'd had a shitty day and the shit just kept coming.
"Open the door and get your pills, Olivia. Please." Alex tried the door and it opened. She pushed open the door all the way and found Olivia sitting on her bed with her head in her hands still wearing her coat and boots and all.
"Leave. Me. Alone." Liv barked through her hands.
"After. You. Take. Your. Pills. And. Get. Through. The. Night. Safely." Alex barked right back and sat next to her on the bed. "What would you like to take your meds with? Are you hungry or anything?"
"What is your problem?" Liv was practically growling now. "Go away!"
Alex got up from the bed and walked out of the bedroom in silence. She walked down the hall. It seemed hopeless. She'd hurt Olivia too deeply to expect to even be her friend at this point. 'What was I thinking?' She took a deep breath and made her way down the hall in to the rest of the apartment.
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Liv hadn't heard anything in a while and figured Alex had probably left. That was a very good thing because the violent emotional volcano that was about to erupt was best done in private. She began to wail loudly. Hot, angry tears spilled down her cheeks. Loud sobs escaped her throat. She wanted desperately to throw her body around but thought better of that due to her injury. She had never felt more helpless or vulnerable in her life. She lied down gently and screamed in to her pillow. "ALEX!!!!!!!!!! How could you? How could you just walk back in to my life like that? I'd been stabbed in the fucking gut already! Wasn't that enough? NO! You had to go and show up and kiss me. Kiss me. FUCK!" Her head was throbbing. Her stomach ached where the lidacaine was wearing off. The stitches burned and stung as she took shuddering breaths. Weakly she said, "I wish you had just stayed gone." Then she lost herself in more sobbing.
Standing stock still outside Olivia's door with a tray of soup, crackers, glass of water and medication carefully laid out, Alex's face fell. Tears flowed like streams down a mountainside at spring thaw. 'She hates me.' Her hands began to shake and she knew she needed to unload the tray or drop it. She sniffed and did what Cabot women were taught to do. She swallowed her pride and emotions and made a steel rod of her spine. "I brought you these." She said with a barely noticeable tremor in her voice as she entered the bedroom.
Liv's eyes flew open in disbelief.
"You'll want to take your pain meds quite soon. The antibiotic should wait until after you've eaten something." She placed the tray on the nightstand. "I'll be on your sofa if you need anything." She turned and ran out of the room and down the hall.
"You have got to be joking. This could NOT get any fucking worse. It just could not." Liv closed her eyes.
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Alex had no idea how much time had passed. She cried until she had no more tears left. The invective that hurt the most was hearing Olivia say that she wished she had stayed gone. She was laying on the sofa in some sort of non-sleep yet not fully awake state of shock and emotional exhaustion.
Big brown eyes still damp with tears and rimmed in red watched her as she lay. Liv drew a shaking breath and swallowed the lump in her throat. "Ahm...Alex?"
Alex shot up before her eyes were even open or fully adjusted. "Liv? Are you ok?"
Liv shook her head. "No, but thanks." She quickly welled up again and sucked her upper lip in. "Thanks for, uhm, the tray and the pills and..." She wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her coat. "I thought you had left. The things I said...those were...not for you to hear."
"It's ok. I earned every word." Alex finally observed the woman who stood before her in every stitch of clothing she'd walked through the door in. "Why do you still have your coat and boots on?"
"You didn't. You were trying, at least." Liv ran her hand through her shaggy bangs. "You would not believe the crappy day I've had. And I can't get out of my own coat or boots myself without tweaking my stitches. I'm even trapped in my own freaking clothes. Some big, bad detective, huh?"
"Is that your way of asking for help?" Alex blew out a long breath.
"I guess." Liv finally took a long look at Alex. She'd shed her thousand-dollar suit for a pair of Liv's sweats that had been hanging in the bathroom and her own silk chemise. "Looks like you made yourself comfy."
"Oh." Alex looked down at her attire and blushed. "I needed to get out of my suit and well, you were...busy."
Liv nodded. "Right. Busy." She couldn't help a small grin. Alex Cabot was wearing her sweatpants. "It's ok. They look good on you."
"So, you want a little help with your coat and boots?" Alex looked up suddenly shy.
Liv nodded and turned back to her bedroom.
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Alex padded down the hall after her.
Liv stood in the middle of the room with her arms open. "This is hideously embarrassing, Alex, so please be quick."
"Yes, ma'am." Alex suppressed a smile as she unzipped Liv's coat. She walked behind her to help her out of it. "Just go slow. No quick or sudden movements."
Liv pulled her arms out. "Thanks."
"Sit." Alex indicated the bed and she sank to her knees and began unlacing Liv's boots.
"This...this is actually pretty rich, you know?" Liv said as she watched Alex nimbly untie and pull off her boots.
"Rich? How so?" Alex slid the boots under the dresser.
Liv gave a small snort. "Never mind. It was an inside joke."
"Inside?" Alex quirked an eyebrow. "With whom?" She pulled off Liv's socks.
Liv chewed on the inside of her cheek. "With myself I guess."
"Ah." Alex looked around for a hamper. "Hamper?"
"Bathroom." Liv closed her eyes.
"Oh, ok. I'll make a pile to take with me." Alex smiled. "Can you take care of the rest or do you..."
"I honestly don't know." Liv looked at the floor. "Would you stay in case I can't do it myself?"
"Of course I will." Alex smiled and turned around. "Just let me know if you need me."
Liv unbuttoned and unzipped her slacks with no trouble and started to shimmy out of them. "Ow."
"Still ok?" Alex called without turning around.
"Ummm, yeah. I think." Liv gave less of a shimmy and the pants mercifully slid down to her ankles. She stepped out of them without too much trouble. She unbuttoned her shirt again with little trouble. She shrugged out of it and it fell to the floor. She grabbed the hem of her undershirt and paused halfway. 'Shit. I shouldn't have taken my pants off first. Shit. Shit. Shit.'
"Liv? You doing ok?" Alex called having heard no movement behind her for a few minutes.
"Uh yeah...um, no, but..." Liv turned bright red. "Help me."
Alex turned around. The sight of a half-dressed, blushing Olivia Benson was priceless. As her eyes traveled down Olivia's underwear clad form, a blush touched her cheeks as well. "No problem." She gave a small nod more to herself than anything else.
"Good." Liv closed her eyes and tried to go elsewhere in her mind. She chuckled to herself nervously as she realized, ironically, how many times she had drifted to this very scenario in her mind to get through something difficult.
"Something funny?" Alex asked curiously. "Another inside joke with yourself, perhaps?"
"Something like that." Liv answered.
"Uh huh." Alex placed her hands at the hem of Liv's torn and bloodstained undershirt. "Arms up."
Liv lifted her arms slowly and winced a little.
"Easy does it." Alex slowly lifted the shirt up and over the bandages and off of Liv's body. As the tone, olive skin of Liv's abdomen came in to view, she found her breath catching in her throat. "Easy does it." The second time it was said more for her own benefit.
"Ok. I'm ok." Liv looked down at her bandages. "Can't believe I let that hump get close enough to stab me."
"Shut up." Alex grinned. "Did you even know he had a weapon?"
"No, but you should assume they're armed unless you know otherwise." Liv grinned back. "Did you just tell me to shut up?"
"Uh, yes. I did." Alex smirked now. "And given your particularly vulnerable state, I don't think there's anything you can do about it."
Liv shook her head. It had taken them mere hours to shift back in to flirty banter. Whether she admitted it or not, she missed the blonde attorney and their relationship terribly. "I really missed you, Alex." She swallowed a lump that had appeared uninvited in her throat.
Alex found Liv's gaze and held it. "Whether you believe it or not, Olivia, I missed you so much it hurt inside every single day, especially once I came back to the city." Her eyes were instantly wet with emotion again.
Olivia shivered. "Maybe we could finish this conversation when I have a little more clothing on?" She crossed her arms in front of her chest and rubbed her arms.
"Oh geez. Sorry. Right." Alex rubbed Liv's shoulders a little. "What else do you need help with?"
Liv looked down at the floor. "My bra. I think I can handle my panties." She then let out a growl.
"I know this must be hard, Liv. But I've been there." With a sudden wave of emotional memory she added, "and I had no one that I knew to help me take off my bra. I was helped by strangers."
"Oh." Liv suddenly felt like the biggest tool on the planet. Alex had been shot and then immediately ushered off to Witness Protection. During her healing, she had undoubtedly been squirreled away in various safe houses until she reached her final location. "I wish I had been able to be there for you."
Alex walked behind Liv and gently unhooked her bra. She pushed the straps off of Liv's shoulders. "I wish so too."
Liv let the bra fall off her body and land on the floor at her feet.
Alex silently picked up the gray Yankees t-shirt off the bed and helped Liv in to it from behind, careful to avoid contact with Liv's skin. "Easy does it. There."
"Thank you." Liv whispered. She then slipped her fingers in to her panties and slid them down her thighs. She gave a small shimmy and winced. Then they fell down and she stepped out of them.
Alex grabbed the black yoga pants from the bed and knelt precariously behind the detective. Her heart was pounding in her chest as her head rested lightly against Liv's warm calf. "Just step in and I'll do the rest. We'll be quick."
Liv stepped in to the pants and Alex glided them up. Liv closed her eyes as she felt Alex's silky hair and thumbs lightly brushing the length of her legs. "Ok."
"Carefully, now." Alex brought the waistband over her hips and butt and very carefully under the bandaged area of her abdomen. "Feel ok there?"
"Oh yeah." Liv breathed out the breath she'd been holding. "I'm good."
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Alex grabbed the dirty clothes and brought them down the hall to the hamper in the bathroom. She went back to the bedroom to collect the tray. "How are you doing?"
Liv chuckled. "I honestly don't know. I'm not in pain anymore, but my head is still spinning."
Alex bit her bottom lip. "I bet. Can I get you anything?" She asked as she picked up the tray. "You didn't eat much."
"I had a few crackers so I could take my pills. My stomach is still doing cartwheels...maybe some ginger ale?" Liv raised an eyebrow.
"Sure. I'll run to the bodega and get some." Alex walked out of the room.
"Alex?" Liv called.
"Yes?" Alex called from the hall.
"You can't go to the bodega half dressed. Come get a shirt." Liv smiled as the blonde ducked back in.
"Right. Forgot. Thanks. Where can I find a sweatshirt?" Alex asked with color tingeing her cheeks.
"Second drawer down on the left." Liv pointed.
Alex dug around and found a gray NYPD sweatshirt. "Be right back." As she slipped the shirt on, she inhaled deeply the scent that was so distinctly Olivia Benson. She sighed at the memories that came flooding back at the familiar smell.
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A few minutes later, Alex knocked on Olivia's door. She hadn't thought to ask for the key and hoped Liv hadn't fallen asleep.
"Hey." Liv said as she opened the door to the beautiful blonde now decked head to toe in her clothes.
"I come bearing gifts." Alex held up a bag with ginger ale in it and a bouquet of fresh cut flowers in the other.
Liv smiled as she took the flowers and placed them on the side table in the hall. "That was...sweet. Thank you."
Alex walked passed her to the kitchen and set the soda down. "Do you want anything with your soda? More crackers or..."
Liv was suddenly right behind her. "You...uh, look really good in my clothes."
"How many of those pain pills did you take, Liv?" Alex asked attempting humor.
"Only the one." Liv pressed herself in to Alex's personal space.
"Liv...what are you doing?" Alex was pinned between the counter and Liv.
A smile slowly touched the corners of Liv's mouth. "You're suddenly shy? You're kidding right?" She rested her hands on Alex's slender hips.
Alex scratched the side of her head. "No, but a couple...hours ago I would have bet the house that you hated my guts."
"And you'd have lost. I need to set the record straight about something I said in the heat of the moment." Liv's thumbs softly rubbed Alex's hipbones.
"You don't need to explain anything you said to me, Olivia." Alex could not meet the brunette's eyes. She was enjoying the light touch, but unsure what to make of it.
"Alex...I need to say this and you need to hear it. I'd also prefer if I were looking in to your beautiful blue eyes when I said it." Liv tried to follow Alex's darting glance.
"Beautiful?" Alex looked up and in to the dark brown pools swimming with emotions.
"That's the word you latch on to? Yes, beautiful. I've always thought so." Liv grinned. "Which brings me to what I need to say." She moved one hand from Alex's hip and held her chin with it.
Alex felt the sting of tears and had no idea why.
"I died each time you were taken from me, Alex. I'm a fool for not telling you how I felt before now, but here goes nothing. I died because I am in love with you. I try to date, but it never works. It never works because they're not you. I had died twice along with you and then you came back. You came back...but not to me. That hurt the most of all. The fact that maybe I imagined what was between us...that everything I thought was real was fantasy...drove me almost insane. I could have come to see you, but what would I say? 'Heard you were back. Since you're ignoring me, I guess you want to forget that we ever cared about each other, were ever friends and that we were ever more than colleagues?'" Liv stopped here and took a couple of breaths.
"I get it, Liv. I screwed up. I'm sorry and I know sorry doesn't cover it." Alex started to explain.
Liv put her finger over Alex's lips. "Shhh. Just shush. I need to talk for a minute more. I do not wish you had stayed gone. I actually curse myself for wishing for the opposite every single night. I curse myself for needing another human being as much as I need you. So, when you came to me tonight, I didn't know how to handle it. When you kissed me, I thought my head was going to fly off my neck. I can't lose you again. I can't die again. So, here's what I have to say." She cleared her throat and stared deeply in the blue eyes in front of her. "If you meant anything by that kiss, if you want a place in my life and if I have a place in yours, if this is real and not some guilt induced haze...kiss me again." She took a deep breath, licked her lips and waited.
Tears were streaming down Alex's pale cheeks at the retelling of all Olivia had been through and what she truly felt for her. Her emotions were all over the place and she barely processed the last sentence. "Yes." Alex whispered and leaned forward.
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The kiss was so gentle that Liv wasn't a hundred percent sure it happened. She opened her eyes and found herself again staring in to Alex's deep blue eyes. She welled up at what she saw in those eyes. Everything that she had ever wished or hoped to see was staring back at her: love, hope, trust, truth...even desire.
Alex brushed Liv's tears away with the back of her hand. "I'm not normally at a loss for words, Olivia." She swallowed hard and brought her hand to the side of Liv's neck. "I love you, too. This is for real. There's a place for you in my life because what I have learned is that without you in it, it's no life at all."