Hey, guys! I'm back! This is the second take on my story "I'll Give Him That- one-shot". This is a one-shot too, just longer, more detailed and more reflective of my skills as a writer. Now, I know there will be a lot of disagreements on the route I took this story on. But I had hand-edited a very early printed version of edition 1 and when my friend read it, she encouraged me to post it. I'm not saying that this is perfect, because I will edit the hell out of this come summer ( and maybe even make it longer), but what I am saying is that sometimes, there is this vulnerability that I see in the boys and this plot bunny just popped in for a visit. Enjoy the story and I've got some news in my author's note at the end of this chapter!
They never did care about me. Nobody cared enough to ask. Dad and Dean were always on a hunt and I was left alone because it was not the right time for me to join in yet. I was invisible. Just getting through life without questions. Each day, the same thing. Wake up, get ready for class, go to class, come ack home to the crappy motel of the week and find his father and brother off at a hunt or at the bar. At school, I tried to blend into the background. I noticed insignificant details about everyone, my hunter's senses always ready, but I don't let anyone notice me. I refuse to go through what I went through in middle school. The screaming, shouting, the pushing, pain on the back of my head as someone slammed me into the lockers. Dean wasn't there anymore. He'd moved on to greater things in high school. Of course, that was before his 'I'm too cool for school and hunting is more important per dad, so I'm going to drop out'. Each day at school was like a visit from hell.
Then, Dean had found out. He found out about the school and my tension. He found out what I used to escape the tension. He found the cuts. On my arms, legs, thighs, stomach. It was purely by accident. I'd had a rougher than usual day at school. When I'd arrived back at the motel, Dean and dad were gone and there was a sticky note in Dean's crappy handwriting on the table that said three words "Out to Hunt." No 'Hiya Sammy!" No "Love, Dean". No "See ya when we get back." I knew he had a no chick flicks rule, but being this cold to your own brother? I could see the cold, impassive hunter that our dad had trained him to be emerging more and more every day and that scared me. That scared me because every day that hunter got closer to the surface, I was losing my brother.
I was in the bathroom with an Exacto knife I'd pinched from the school wood shop. There were three parallel lines of fresh red running across each arm, amidst older scars. The knife was poised to create another line, but the door opened and there he was. Eyes wide in horror and swimming with emotions and questions that I didn't want to answer. It made him sick. I could see it in his eyes. I could see the disgust on his face. He thought I couldn't, but I did. He told dad. They silently judged. I didn't. He told me he wanted to help. I didn't need help. I didn't need any more secrets kept from me. What I needed was for him to shut his mouth. I needed it to end. For everything to end.
Depressed. That's what the diagnoses and symptoms were online. It was an odd word. Used to diagnose someone mentally unstable or unfit to live and thrive in a normal, social environment. I wasn't depressed. I was tired. Tired of dad and Dean talking in hushed whispers about what to do with me, while I was asleep. Tired of the concerned looks Dean directed my way when I skipped lunch and only ate a salad for dinner. Tired of dad not noticing that he had another kid who needed looking after other than the perfect hunter that he raised. I couldn't fault Dean for it though. He was perfect in every sense. The perfect brother, perfect son and now, the perfect hunter. While I was…what was Sam? A disappointment. The one emotion I saw in my father's eyes each time I lost a sparring match to Dean. Every time I tapped out in wrestling. Every time he saw me recoil at the backfire of a shotgun.
I tried to stop it all once. It didn't work. Obviously. Dad almost found me. Dean did find me. He just shook his head and patched me up, all while mumbling to himself.
The painkillers don't work anymore. The voices in my head keep getting louder. Beckoning me. Taunting me. Telling me to end it. So, I do. I empty the bottle into my mouth and take a swig of beer to knock down the thirty-something pills. I sink down on my bed and take one last glance at the photo in my wallet. The one that was taken when I wasn't a problem. When dad was happy. When Dean was happy. And when mom was alive. But those times are gone. Because of me. I finally get what I want. What should have been. Me not being born or a part of their lives. My eyes slide shut and a small smile stretches across my face as I see Dean's face, beaming at me, telling me how proud he was of his Sammy. I'd gotten full marks on a history test that day. He took me out for ice-cream.
Faintly, I hear someone calling my name. I see a figure. White gown, blond hair. A figure only seen in pictures kept in my dad's journal. Mom. I run towards her and hold her tight, tears streaming down my face. He hands running through my hair, she kisses my head and murmurs "my baby. My sweet baby boy. My Sammy." Baby boy. The nickname Dean gave me. I feel a dull pang in my chest at the thought of my brother. Will he miss me? I hope he won't blame himself. Will dad blame himself? Or will he blame Sam? Or would he pin it on the son he had handed a baby to all those years ago, in a house that was a burning inferno?
I'll wait for him here. I have mom until then. I'll wait for him to come here. I need my Dean, but if me being gone kept him happy, I'll give him that.
All right! How was that? Let me know in the comments! So, I have 2 gigantic pieces of news!
(1) We moved to San Antonio, Texas! I still go to Uni up in the Mid-West though. The summers here are brutal and the winters up there are brutal. I just can't seem to catch a break, can I?
(2) For those of you who follow my NCIS story "Feel No More", stay tuned for an update soon! The chapter is one of the hardest ones to write and is rather lengthy. I'm getting to it one day and two sentences at a time because that stupid plot bunny keeps hiding. But I promise, when it does get uploaded, it's going to be long and it's going to worth reading.
Also, let me know if I should write stories like this one more often. I do have a few drafts written of absolute angst filled tears but they would have to be refined a lot more. *Hint* One of them involves Sam and Dean separating during the Satan's going to wear you to prom track and Sam going under the radar. Might put a bit of Sastiel? I dunno. Drop me a comment/PM if you'd want to see a piece like that! Until then,
Cheerio!
wizardsunlimited.