I wonder if people think the same way as me,
I wonder if they even see things the way I do.
Do their brains work differently?
Do they feel things differently?
This is what I am thinking about as I sit in the waiting room of the local hospital.
I'm fine, it's my sister.
I think she's going to get admitted again.
I hope she does.
It's a horrible thing to think,
But I can't handle her at home anymore.
She has a problem.
She doesn't eat. Ever.
When she does, she's purposely puking it back up.
Anorexic.
At first I was worried like the rest of my family;
Now I just don't care.
This is the third time she's been sent here.
Every time she gets sent away my whole family gets depressed and goes crazy.
I don't get it.
Obviously she wants to live her life like this,
Why are we getting upset every time?
It doesn't make everything better.
It doesn't make her eat.
If she wants to kill herself she can go right ahead.
I'm not trying to stop her anymore
It hurts too much.
Rose
Sept 11
I was right.
She is getting admitted.
I guess I should be happy,
But I'm not because I have to watch my family go through pain.
I'll be fine.
I stopped caring after the second time she got admitted.
Don't get me wrong.
I love her,
And I guess somewhere deep down I worry for her;
You can't fix some one who doesn't want to be fixed.
I realized this after me and her had a fight over that very statement.
"Alice, please you have to eat something." I pleaded.
Rachel was sitting up in the hospital bed glaring at me.
"Rose, stop it. I don't want to. It's my life!" she looks down as the tears start to fall down her face.
"It may be your life to live, but it's our life to miss" I whispered looking her right in the eye as I get closer to her.
She allows me to put my hand on her shoulder before pushing me away and yelling at me.
"YOU CAN'T FIX SOME ONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE FIXED"
I don't think she expected me to take her words to heart but I did.
I felt it was the only way I could help her.
That at least someone was listening to her;
Whether that was the part I was supposed to listen to or not…
I don't care.
She doesn't want my help.
What's the point wasting my time?
No one understands this theory of mine.
"You're being so cold Rose!" mother was crying on the couch… again.
"No I'm not; I'm just being realistic" I mutter while crossing my arms and staring at the table.
"Is it because we're not paying enough attention to you? Is that it?"
"Oh don't you pin this on me! It's her all her!"
Really how hard is that for people to understand?
"I'm sorry?"
Oh my gosh,
Do I really have to explain everything?
"Yes, it's sad she's in the hospital, and yes of course I'm worried about her"-
"Then what's the problem?"
"Well if you'd let me finish instead of interrupting me every thirty seconds I could tell you!" I scream at her. Just once, I wish things like this weren't always pinned on me.
Dad loses his job… I get grounded because of my attitude about it.
Mom breaks a nail… I get criticized because I was the one who made her bite it off.
Sister gets sent to a psych ward… I get yelled at because I'm not sad enough.
Where does that make any sense?
"As I was saying, she doesn't want people trying to fix her, why are we wasting our time?" I say shrugging my shoulders.
"Rose, she's you're sister!"
"Yes, she is. Which means it's going to hurt more when I bend over backwards trying to help her and she doesn't get any better"
Mom shakes her head at me her eyes now concerned as if she's finally starting to understand my thoughts. Pfft. She doesn't understand a damn thing!
"Rose, we all are going to go through that… together" she starts to put her arms around me.
I shrug out of her reach.
"No we're not, because I'm not going to even start to feel bad!" I shout running out the house.
That was the last day me and mom ever had a true conversation.
Sure we say hello to each other and ask how we're doing…
But neither of us really cares what the other has to say.
Or at least that's the way it seems for me.
We just don't see things the same way,
Makes things awkward.
I don't really care.
Because to be honest the only person I really care about my self.
Rose
Sept 14
Things have been really busy at my house,
People are dropping by with fruit baskets and casserole dishes.
If I didn't know any better I would think it's because someone died.
Maybe they don't know how to behave around us because she's in a mental ward and think it's better to bring us food and get us fat.
Or maybe they don't have any hope at all for my sister and are just bringing food early in case they're busy when she dies.
I don't know.
I don't really care.
I don't talk to any of the people when they come here.
It's not like they are here for me.
They're here for my sister.
I don't get it.
She's not here.
Probably wont be here for a while.
What are they doing throwing a party for someone who isn't even here?
Are they happy she's gone?
Or are they just trying to make us feel better?
I'd go with the last one.
It sounds better.
It doesn't matter what the reason,
This party isn't making me feel better at all.
I doubt it's making the rest of my family happy either.
It's just taking up the time they usually use to cry.
Maybe in some people's eyes that's a good thing.
Not mine.
If you'd ever met my mom.
You'd say she needs to cry.
Because when she's upset if she's not crying…
She's screaming.
This is why this 'party' is ending.
She yelled at someone who broke one of her dishes.
The one thing I like about her…
She sure knows how to clear a room.
Rose
Sept 16
We're visiting Alice today.
My parents are excited.
Not me
I'm worried.
What if she's not doing any better and my family shows up to see her expecting her to be good.
What if she's worse?
I tried talking to my mother about this.
I tried explaining to her that we should wait until she's been in their for a month.
Or at least leave me home.
My mom just got mad and said that I was just trying to have all the attention on me.
So now here I am in the back seat of my brother's Volvo on the way to the hospital to see my sick anorexic sister.
SOUNDS LIKE BUNCHES OF FUN!
Not
She's probably not doing good at all, she's probably going to give up and die.
I know. I shouldn't be thinking like that.
But I'm just done with trying to see the good in things.
It only ends up making you more angry and upset when you discover the bad things.
It's like working your whole life at only viewing light to be smacked in the face with a GINORMOUS shadow.
You feel betrayed.
Nothing is worse then betrayal.
At least in my opinion.
Because to have betrayal you have to trust first.
Then something happens to make you lose that trust.
Trust is everything to me.
Rose
Sept 16
What did I tell you?
When we got there,
She was the same way as before.
All skinny and unresponsive.
She wouldn't even look at anyone.
She just stared at her boring flannel sheets the whole two hours we were there.
She got worse.
How did anyone expect her to get better in like a week?
I certainly didn't.
To be truthfully honest.
I didn't expect her to get better at all.
Mom was a wreck on the way home. Crying and shaking.
Dad he just was monotone.
A robot.
That's how dad gets when he's extremely upset or mad.
He just clenches his teeth together and stares off.
Imagine how scary it is to have someone like that drive you around for two hours.
Yes, I forgot to mention we drove two hours for nothing.
Hello.
Waste of gas.
Gosh my parents are so stupid.
I don't know what's going on with me lately… I'm so negative about everything.
Rose
Sept 17
People at school know about My sister.
FUCKING SUCKS.
Rayne.