Rules for a Horrible Avatar

by Lack of Tact

When an Inter-dimensional traveler, who happens to be the Avatar, enters Aang's dimension, he may or may not screw over everybody. So, he has written himself down a few (hundred) rules to follow, things he needs to fix, and baby mommas he needs to talk to. It's not his problem though, he's pushing it all on his future self. Rated M for swears and idiotic rules.

"Rules For A Horrible Avatar"

Is a annoyingly long list of rules Alex Rigger, the inter-dimensional Avatar, has to follow in Aang's dimension. It also contains errors he needs to fix as his future self.

Contains spoilers for one of my new stories.

Now, most of the important crap is at the bottom so:

-THIS IS A LINE!-

Dear Future Me,

I bet you're wondering who sent this... wait never mind, fuck... Okay, you obviously know who sent this. Past you, that's right. I'm writing this from your past! Now, the reason why I am, is because you are a horrible, absolutely fucking terrible person. These reasons led me to believe you would make a horrible bender, the Avatar at that.

In this scroll, are an hilarious amount of things you've done, and will more than likely continue to do. They've resulted in you being kicked out of towns, the death of hundreds, and even the possibility of a few, maybe hundreds, of brats you will probably regret to call kids.

You will find most, if not all, of them to be a major 'fuck you' to your personality. I, myself, found them to be damned stupid at first, but have come to realize they may or may not make me a better person in the future, I.e. you. Basically, it all depends on how you take them into your person. I'm not following any of these rules, cause I figured, "Hey, fuck that, It's future me's problem."

All in all, yeah. Fuck you buddy, this is for all the shit I made you go through, and for all the problems I may or may not have had a hand in. Now, here we go:

1. Stay off of Southern Water Tribe territory, they didn't like the fact you decided to slaughter all of the penguins for fun.

2. Stay away from Southern Water Tribe members, they disliked that you murdered the one called 'Gran-Gran'. Don't know why, the old hag was going to drop anyway.

3. Stay away from Katara, she really hates you.

-Sokka too. Weird, right?

-Same as Aang.

4. The island of Kyoshi apparently hate you, just because of your existence. It confuses them.

5. You screwed your mom's sister's daughter... doesn't count as incest seeing as how you're not from this dimension. Another reason why Kyoshi hates you.

6. Stay away from the Unagi. Just. Stay. Away.

7. Giant Koi fish are allergic to you, apparently they don't like the smell of 'badass'.

8. Being in this dimension has a lot of people confused as to who is the real Avatar. So don't commit crimes and blame them on Aang. Nobody likes a liar... even if it's how you're alive most of the time.

9. Friends hate it when you steal from them. Stop stealing from Zuko, no matter how cool his crown-thing is.

10. Stop fucking swearing around kids. It hurts their parents feelings... and there reputation of you. Also, stop killing said parents, the populace is small enough as it is.

11. "Up yours buddy." Is not a line that was invented yet, apparently your dimension is a few hundred years in the future. Makes sense, seeing as how a guard was confused for about thirty seconds before you killed him.

12. Punching is not a good source of interaction.

13. Nut-punching is not one either.

14. Same as Nut-kicking.

15. Also Nut-stabbing.

16. Nut... You know what I mean, nothing that focuses on testicular assault.

17. Don't make fun of Toph, even if she is blind. It hurts her feelings... and your body.

18. As much of a bad influence you are, apparently Toph respects you... that enough of a reason to stop bad-mouthing her?

19. Stop being an asshole.

20. Seriously, stop. You were banned from 48 different bars world-wide because of that shit.

21. Don't trust shady merchants, the 'futuristic weapon today' nearly blew your fucking head off.

22. Katara is probably still after you, so if you see a dark-skinned chick, apologize. Hopefully she won't kill you. Might break a bone, or a five, but death is always a worse route.

23. That fire-rice shit you used to eat? Stop. Since you fire-bend, the shits you take BURN.

24. Sokka is not an egotistical ass. No matter what you say to yourself.

25. YOU are an egotistical ass. No matter what you say to yourself.

26. You can't 'legally' own a house in three of the four nations. That one nation being the Earth Nation.

27. Fire benders find it un-honorable to burn down cities and melt the flesh of many.

28. Aang forbade you from visiting the Air-Temples because you pissed on the skeleton of Monk G... something with a G.

29. You know why the Water Tribes hate you, both of them.

30. Fire-pissing is illegal.

31. Lightning piss is just as bad...

32. Consider life and death, take everything seriously. Not everything revolves around you, so think about other's feelings.

33. Fuck 32, only do like... the considering life and death part.

34. Do not accept any chances to pull off a scam. They all lead with you getting hurt, by your friends, and the people you're scamming.

35. 'Futuristic weapon today' is just horrible. You killed a 89-year-old man with it!

36. That Guru guy Aang and you had to meet up with, yeah. He's dead too.

37. Also, when Iroh offers tea, don't assume 'tea' is a secret plot to kill you. He got really mad when you blew up his Tea shop. I cannot stress this enough, tea does not stand for "The End of Alex".

38. When an Alligator-Seal speaks to you, you are either high off Cactus Juice again, or you're actually crazy. Don't let an Alligator-Seal speak to you.

39. Sokka is an excellent source of Cactus Juice... which you have to stop drinking, and no. That does not mean to eliminate the source.

-Sokka wouldn't like that.

-Neither would Aang, Katara, Toph, or Zuko.

40. Don't start a conquest to vanquish all of the world's Cactuses... Cactusis? Cacti? Whatever, don't kill any thing you can drink from.

41. Don't answer life or death problems with the flip of a coin. Katara still doesn't like the fact you had to burn off her hair when she had it glued to Toph's foot.

42. As awesome as it would be, don't try to mix up the Earth King's bear with another animal. The Dai-Li had to brain-wash the idea from your head. How I even know this now? I don't even know.

43. Depending on how you feel, it doesn't matter to the Gaang. You opinion will never matter.

-Entirely unfair, but it makes sense.

-"I think we should just kill him." Was probably the sentence that made them agree on that.

-"Kill the kid too, brat won't stop screaming." Was also a deal-maker.

44. The bald guy with the third eye? You should give him back his arm and leg... I mean, sure, he tried to kill you, but stealing is wrong.

45. "Oi, you motherfucking bitch! Stop fucking running and die already, hahaha!" Is a horrible thing to say. Don't say it ever again.

46. Katara hates you.

-Plain and simple.

47. Remember when you visited that old underground library? If it ever resurfaces, apologize to the bird/owl/thing. Burning its prized possessions was a mean thing to do.

48. Toph's dad really hates you. Honestly don't know why.

-Actually... running out of his house with Toph over your shoulder unconscious might have been the reason.

-Not my fault she threatened to scream when you woke her ass up.

-You also kind of banged his wife. Wow, you've never seen a man run until they've discovered their wife actually enjoyed sex with a stranger.

-Also, you stole a whole chest filled with gold pieces... man, he was pissed.

-Okay, you know what. There are about twelve more reasons why he hates you, I'm just limited on scroll, so I'm going to stop 48... for now.

49. Why. The. FUCK did you think it was a good idea to flirt with Toph?! I'm not sure about you now, but the midget just won't leave you alone...

-Oh hey, speaking of which she wants to add something, and seeing as how she's blind... I have to write it for her. Okay, here I go:

"I'm not a midget you jerk! I'm only 13! You're just lucky I even bother with you, you son of-"

Okay, so I cut her off and started writing my own things again, because she kind of took it past my own personal rated M bar. Hey?! I have limits too you know, she just crossed the line. Seriously, I mean I swear so much less than her... then again, if I wasn't here in the first place, she wouldn't have even been given the idea of swearing. So...

50. Stop swearing in general. Screw #10, just... just stop swearing. Damn, it's not that hard. I'm pretty sure I can do it any time, you might be proof of that.

Anyhow, I'm running out of room to write so I'll save more letters for myself later. Ugh, this is going to take me forever to finish, with you being a jackass and all. So many rules I'm making for myself, so many things that I need to fix... I guess I'll just write you fifty a day, seeing as that's all I have room for.

I need to get this done! Holy Divines' shits! I'm not even sure if I have enough for my name now...

Sincerely,

Alexander Ri-

-THIS IS A LINE!-

So what'd you think? Those seem like decent things he has to follow/fix.

Personally, I'm thinking he's going to be an absolutely horrible Avatar, and this is him trying to make up for it.

Anyhow folks, I just wanted you to know you can submit ideas via review, and if I think they're 'Alex Rigger' enough, they'll go in the next scroll he sends himself.

That's all for now.

Drop The Act. Put On A Sm-

(Damnit, ran out of scroll to write on...)