Fill for anon prompt on my tumblr sneezehq. Season 3 has been giving me some serious feels. This is set between the strategy meeting after they rescue Eren, but before they actually take down the titan the next morning. Enjoy!
By the time the strategy meeting ends and they finally get to have dinner, it's past midnight, the pale light of the moon casting odd shadows through the windows. They're given some field rations, to Sasha's very vocal dismay. "We've been working hard for days and this is the thanks we get?" It takes Connie and Jean to drag her away from the poor guy in charge of the food.
Aside from Sasha's outburst, it's a quiet meal. Between sheer exhaustion, apprehension about tomorrow, and the memories of what they've had to do to get here, nobody seems to feel like talking. The air is heavy as the rest of squad Levi munches quietly on the adequate, but not especially filling meal. Mikasa understands the others' turmoil over the day's events. She doesn't regret what she's had to do, not if it means that Eren is back with them, safe where he belongs, but that doesn't mean that she likes it.
She casts a worried glance at Armin, but he seems to be coping better this time around, picking at the ration bar he was given with a thoughtful look on his face. He gives her a small smile when he notices her checking on him. With him and Eren at her side, Mikasa can breathe a little easier, at least for now.
Speaking of Eren, he's staring at the wall across from him, picking absently at the empty wrappers on the table, his usually expressive face strangely blank. It's unnatural for Eren, who wears his emotions on his sleeve, to be so expressionless. Plus, despite how exhausted and hungry he must be, he's hardly touched his food.
"Eren?" Mikasa clears her throat. "Why aren't you eating? Are you feeling okay?"
Green eyes snap over to her in surprise. Eren looks like he's forgotten that he's not alone. "I'm fine," he mumbles, pushing the bar away from him. "Just tired. I think I'm going to turn in now."
Mikasa frowns at his retreating back. There's an air of defeat, of resignation to his posture that she doesn't like at all. She pockets the abandoned rations before standing up and making her own way out of the room, ruffling Armin's hair as she passes him. The gesture earns her another smile.
They had been told, in no uncertain terms, that they were supposed to go straight to bed after they finished eating. So naturally, instead of heading for the girls' quarters that she's supposed to be staying in, Mikasa squares her shoulders and finds the staircase to the basement where Eren's room is. It's dark, and part of Mikasa wishes that she'd thought to grab a candle before coming down here. Fortunately, her eyes adjust to the dark in time for her to avoid slamming into the door at the bottom of the stairs.
She raises her hand to knock. "Eren? Can I come in?"
His response is so quiet that she has to strain to hear it, but she's pretty sure that there's a yes somewhere in there. Besides, even if he said no, she's not about to leave him alone right now. Opening the door cautiously to avoid the creaking of old wood, she makes her way over to the bed, footfalls as silent as if cushioned by the thick winter snow.
Eren is sitting on the bed, curled up in the far corner with his arms around his knees. He doesn't say anything as she sits beside him. Mikasa is suddenly aware that this is the first time that they've been alone together since he caught her doing sit-ups back at the safe house. How many days has it been since then? Too many.
"Eren?" Even a whisper feels too loud in the oppressive silence of the room.
The bed shifts slightly under her as he fidgets. ". . . yeah?"
"I'm glad that you're back."
When Eren doesn't respond after a few minutes, she glances at him. He's resting his head against the wall, his bangs falling in front of his eyes. His hair's getting long, she thinks to herself. It's not a bad look for him. There's a haziness to his eyes that she doesn't like. Before Eren even has a chance to react, she sweeps his bangs aside and presses a hand to his forehead, the corners of her mouth turning down at the damp warmth that she finds there.
"You're still feverish," she murmurs, and sighs. Fortunately, a quick glance around the room, and her dark-adjusted eyes spot a bathroom that she originally mistook for a closet. She quickly wets and folds a washcloth before returning to Eren's side and pressing it to his forehead. "You overdid it again today. Anything else that I should know about?"
For a moment, Eren's face pinches with defiance, green eyes narrowing before he realizes that he's not going to win this one. "The cut on my forehead is all healed up, and my wrists were rubbed raw and scraped, but I think they got fixed up too when I transformed. I'm just a little sore, that's all."
"Your arms?"
Eren nods gratefully as her hands find the aching spots on his arms and knead gently. "And my shoulders." She motions for him to lay down so that she can get a better angle. "You don't have to worry, really, Mikasa. They really didn't do much to me. I was unconscious most of the time until I woke up in the cave." He sighs, feeling tense muscles finally loosen under her deft touch.
Mikasa purses her lips, not looking terribly reassured. "Here." She passes him his untouched rations bar that he left at dinner. "You should eat. You're going to need your strength for tomorrow."
Between the cool cloth on his forehead and the soreness finally fading from his muscles, Eren's exhausted body seems to finally feel good enough to be hungry. He takes the bar without complaint. "Do you think we can do it? Take out that titan?"
"I have faith in you," Mikasa replies. "I know you can do it."
The absolute trust and conviction in her voice takes him by surprise; he has to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat. It feels like it's been a long time since someone had that kind of faith in him. "What if something goes wrong with the plan?"
"Then we'll figure something out," Mikasa reassures him. "We're scouts. It's what we do. We're not about to let that titan attack these people without doing everything in are power to protect them, are we?" She smiles at him. "As long as I'm fighting alongside you, I have no doubt that we're going to win."
Eren, for once at a loss for words, crinkles the empty wrapper in his hand. He hadn't realized how ravenous he was until he started eating. "Hey, Mikasa?" he whispers. Her fingers still on his arm. "Thank you."
She stares at him for a moment, delicate features tinged with surprise, before smiling at him, genuine and full of warmth like the sun. For a few moments they sit in comfortable silence, Eren with his eyes half shut as Mikasa traces patterns on his upper arm with her fingertips. "Hey Eren," she says at last. He inclines his head slightly towards her. "Is it okay if I stay down here with you tonight?" She brings her scarf up to cover her mouth as she asks, the way she always does when she's embarrassed.
Eren just grins at her. "Since when do you bother asking permission?" he teases. "Levi will have your head though."
Mikasa rolls her eyes. "I'd like to see him try." Eren groans when she shifts upright to pull off her boots, but sighs when she settles back next to him. If he closes his eyes it almost feels like they're kids again, safe and happy before any of this mess started.
They lay in relaxed quiet for a while, Eren falling into a half-awake doze, breaths steadying out and eyelids growing heavy. Next to him, Mikasa sighs. "Eren?"
"Yeah," Eren replies, still half asleep.
Mikasa pauses for a moment, as though she's trying to find the words. "How long?"
"What?" For once, Eren's absolutely clueless about what she's referring to.
"How long have you been bottling this up?" she asks. Even though her voice is quiet, the question still feels like a gunshot in the silence of the room. "About wanting to die. Just since Annie, or was it before then?"
The last thing Eren wants to do is answer that question, but he knows from experience that lying to Mikasa or trying to avoid her is about as useful as trying to stop the rain. I'm not sure," he sighs. It's not something he likes to think about, but it's not like he can deny it anymore. "I think that Annie is when I first realized that I felt that way, but I'm not sure when it started."
Mikasa, to her credit, doesn't flinch or act shocked, even though he's sure that it's not pleasant for her to hear. "Why?"
Eren sighs again. It's hard for him to admit why, even to himself. Saying it out loud seems too daunting. "I just," he swallows past the sudden lump in his throat, willing himself not to cry. There's heat pressing at the back of his eyes, insistent and heavy, but he's cried enough already. "I just . . . so many people have died in me, have believed in me, but I haven't managed to accomplish anything." Mikasa makes a noise like she's about to protest, but he gestures for her to wait. If she interrupts him now he's not sure that he can bring himself to finish.
"Sometimes it just seems like it would be better if I just died. Or if I'd never happened. No more people could get hurt for me. No one else would have to die because of me." He shuts his eyes, not wanting to see the expression on Mikasa's face right now.
"Eren," she trails off, squeezing his hand. When he doesn't open his eyes, she does it again, until he reluctantly forces his eyes open to look at her. Her expression is more gentle than he's ever seen it, like when they encountered the smiling titan again. Her eyes are full of tears, and she's not smiling, but he's pretty sure that she's not going to yell at him. "That's not true that things would be better if you weren't here. Or that you haven't managed to do anything to help."
"Sure, things have been shitty lately." Eren snorts at the understatement. "But what about our squad? We'd be dead if you hadn't saved us today. Or the people of Trost? They wouldn't have a home if you hadn't moved that rock to close the breach. And," she takes a deep breath, tugging on her scarf as her hand finds his. "I'd be dead without you. I'm glad that you're alive."
Unable to stop it anymore, Eren feels the tears spilling over and trailing down his cheeks. Mikasa looks alarmed, but before she can freak out, he smiles at her. "Thank you." He twines their fingers together. "I needed to hear that." It doesn't fix everything, but it definitely helps. It eases the near-constant pain in his chest whenever he thinks about all the ways he's consistently failed to be Humanity's Hope.
They're both quiet for a moment, just basking in one another's presence. He's not sure who moves first, but somehow they end up side by side, Eren's arm around Mikasa's waist, and her head resting on his chest so that she can hear his heartbeat. "Goodnight," she murmurs, nestling closer and letting her eyes fall closed, completely at peace for the first time in weeks.
She thinks she hears him mumble something in return before she falls into the comforting embrace of sleep. Whatever tomorrow brings, they'll face it together.
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