Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
A/N: I needed ... something. And a friend suggested writing. So here I am. Miserable and rotten feeling, ... but here.
Days
On those days Blaine usually cuts. Rips his skin wide open and then ... sits and watches something heal. Takes weirdly twisted strength for days from the fact that his body still has this ability, while his mind needs this pain to be shocked into quietness, mend from there, or maybe just conjure up a new storm inside.
His mind is twisted.
Or maybe it isn't. But either way it feels like that. ... so where is the difference.
Blaine cannot see it, ... or feel it.
Then again, Blaine does not feel like he is feeling anything much but confusion and self-hate today. 'One of those days.'
Today is one of those days. Only as he gets out the razor blade and is about to set it to his skin there is this wave that washes all over him. As he sinks back in the chair his limbs heavy and numb the blade soundlessly clatters to the thinly carpeted floor.
Rotten, Blaine feels rotten. So weirdly rotten and caught up in his own mind even the thought of hurting himself escapes him. Hushes by instead of thoroughly crossing it.
Is there something to hold on to? Anything? 'Is there something worth holding on to?'
Dalton is no dark place. He knows of his luck of being here.
But none of that makes up for how miserable he feels inside, how much he hates himself for running, from all those bullies, from himself. Most of all '... from myself.'
No one knows him here. So 'no one can love me.'
People at his old school thought they knew him, because then he still tried to be visible, seen.
People at his old school thought they knew him, and hated him for what he made them see in his place. Blaine still is unsure what that had been.
So ... Blaine does not trust anyone.
So ... Blaine does not trust himself.
So ... Blaine is in the closet. Miserable and rotten feeling and sick with fear most days. Of what he does not know. Someone finding out? He himself breaking and blurting it out during the next Warbler party playing truth or dare. He always takes truth. 'No one can make you not make it up.' Dares are different. If someone dared him to take off his shirt ... .
He has told not a single soul since Sadie Hawkins. Does not know how. Hates himself, hates himself so much ...; at first cutting seemed like a good idea today, has for weeks now. Every day.
Looking down at his lower belly he knows, if he stops now those scars '... might with some luck and in time still all fade away again. As if nothing has ever happened.'
Blaine is even torn about wanting that.
He will always know, will always have to know all the bad things he has done in his life, to others, to himself. Feelings like that do not fade. They sometimes vanish, like in a magic trick. Only to resurface a whole new horror.
'How can I live with myself?'
How does anyone?