Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. At all. Not even the quote. Wait... not true. I own Ushiro Ryu. But that's it...
Author's Note #1: A little game for you pertaining to the summary. A code to break (Good luck on figuring it out): 7-11-15-23
All for One
"And if they tell you that I've lost my mind; Baby it's not gone, just a little hard to find..."
—Shell Shock, Manowar
Ushiro Ryu sighed, leaning heavily against one of the small tables at the back of the sake house. Granted, the Niwa-ya had always been one of his favorite places to drink, but it wasn't so fun when he had to work. It was even less fun when that work was a spy job for Katsura. And even worse, when it was demanded of him that he have a companion "just in case."
Kenshin sat stiffly across from him, not drinking his sake. As if bringing Kenshin didn't already make them blatantly obvious—a runt with bright red hair accompanying a Tosan giant—the fact that Kenshin had been doing nothing but silently scanning the room for the past hour must have done it for sure. And although Ushiro had easily managed to get their Satsuma friend completely drunk and had even gotten him to talk, it had been worthless. The man had known nothing that Ushiro hadn't already fed to their commander weeks ago.
"Are you going to drink that, Battousai-san," he growled irritably, "or were you planning on waiting until it drank itself?"
The redhead shot his partner a startled glance. "Did you expect me to actually have some?" he asked innocently.
Ushiro snorted. Innocent... like hell. The kid's being a smartass again. "Why wouldn't you drink it when I invite you out to drink?"
Kenshin managed a very faint smile, confirming Ushiro's assumption that his words had been sarcastic. "You aren't drunk enough to make friends with Satsuma," was his simple response.
Little ass. But the tall soldier couldn't help but be amused.
"My new friend has bailed on us anyway," Ushiro snapped back. "I've been waiting for you to finish the sake so we can leave."
Kenshin glanced down at the pale gold liquid, then back up at Ushiro, a red eyebrow arched. "Fine." He plucked up the cup and drank it in one swallow. "May we leave now, Ushiro-san?"
His partner just stared a moment in surprise. "I really hope you have better alcohol tolerance than most men of your build. I don't feel like carrying you home." He stood, dropping a string of coins on the table. "Let's just get out of here."
Kenshin nodded and stood as well. "Can you walk?"
"I'm not drunk, Battousai-san. I'm twice your size. I can handle half a bottle easily. Just move."
The youth nodded once more and began leading the way out of the sake house.
As they approached the door, Ushiro noticed a couple of men watching them. He carefully averted his eyes, pretending to stumble, and grabbing onto Kenshin for support, his face near the redhead's ear as the exited the door. "Careful," he took the opportunity to whisper. "We're being watched."
"I noticed."
The taller man straightened as soon as they stepped out into the cool April air. "Let's go," he responded mildly.
Kenshin glanced up at his friend. "Back route?"
"Preferably."
They silently slipped into the shadows. When it was obvious that they weren't going to be followed, Kenshin spoke again. "Ushiro-san?"
His companion grunted in reply.
"Why didn't you just tell me you wanted me there as a bodyguard when you invited me?"
Ryu sent a sideways glance in Kenshin's direction. "What are you talking about, Battousai-san? I wanted you to drink with me. The bodyguard aspect was just an added bonus."
"Ushiro-san..."
Ushiro made a face. "Look, you have enough on your plate as it is. Don't worry about it. I started doing this sort of work awhile ago. You were supposed just enjoy yourself and leave things to me." He grinned. "You were only stuck here because Katsura wouldn't let me do this alone. I've never needed to call anyone in before. Anyway, it really would be nice if you'd have shared a drink with me before I started like I'd asked."
Kenshin's expression was amused. "Do you really think it's a good idea for your bodyguard to get drunk before you do?"
"What happened to your amazing tolerance?"
"Not amazing. But not pathetic either. One cup is hardly enough for me to get drunk off of. If I'd have tried to match you drink for drink... that would have been another matter entirely."
Ushiro grinned at that. "Yeah. Probably would have killed you."
Kenshin didn't grace that comment with a response.
They walked awhile longer. They were about halfway back to the Kohagi-ya when Ushiro realized that Kenshin had been gradually slowing down. "Battousai-san?" His expression was concerned. "What's wrong? Do you sense something? We need to get back to the inn before we run into any of the Shinsengumi."
The redhead said nothing. His pace didn't pick up.
"I'm serious, Battousai-san. This has already been a bad night. I'd rather not die to top it off."
Kenshin stopped in the shadow of an old sake house. There was a strange look on his face. "Ushiro-san," he said seriously. "We need to talk."
The tall soldier stared at him quizzically. "We need to talk?" he repeated slowly. "Now? Right here? In the middle of the street?"
Kenshin stared at him quietly for one more long moment before saying quietly, "Ushiro-san... you don't need to worry about the Shinsengumi." He glanced away uncomfortably. "They can't kill you."
Ushiro just stared at the boy, completely confused now. "They can't kill me?" He glanced around nervously. There was no negative ki that he could sense, but that didn't mean much. Kenshin was the one with the real skill in ki sensing. Still... they couldn't afford to just stand around talking. Especially not about something as ridiculous as this. "What are you saying? Since when am I impervious to a katana blade?"
Kenshin shifted his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Ushiro-san... they can't kill you because you already are dead."
"What are you talking about?"
He stared awkwardly down, talking more to the street than to his friend. "Ushiro-san, I'm sorry... but you died that first time you faced Okita. I haven't had the heart to tell you this until now, but you have to know sometime. You're a ghost. You've just been hallucinating talking to people, but really I'm the only one who can see you." He finally looked back up at the man.
Ushiro's eyebrow twitched at that. "Not funny."
The boy's eyes were wide and serious. "I'm not joking, Ushiro-san. The only reason you can even talk to me is because..." His voice dropped to a hushed whisper. "Because I see dead people."
There was a moment of silence as Ryu tried to process this. Seriously... this was the moment that Kenshin had to get a sense of humor? "I'm about to make you be dead people," he grumbled. But the youth looked so serious. Dammit. He's not kidding. Which means he's either right or else he's gone crazy. He glanced around, noting how oddly quiet the street was. As though whatever beings who controlled their world and destinies were holding their breath. A worse thought struck him as he realized there was a third possibility: Perhaps this insane idea of Kenshin's had something to do with some kami, specifically the one that ruled their fate. The night had an air of someone who had decided to leave the computer running while she made herself some ramen for lunch. Ushiro was starting to realize he'd have to accept the fact that that was a likely possibility. That, or the fanfiction kami responsible for this mess had finally lost her mind from attempting to write and consistently update way more stories in far too many fandoms than she should have ever started in the first place.
"Ushiro-san?"
Ushiro sighed, throwing caution to the wind. Obviously itwasn't going to matter now. "Kenshin, if I'm dead, then shut up and resurrect me. You have an in with the stupid fanfiction authoress. Tell her you'll kill her in her sleep if she doesn't cut the whole me being dead part."
Kenshin sweatdropped at that. "I don't think that will work, Ushiro-san. She's not afraid of killing me off either. She's already done it in one of her other fics. And I think she's planning on doing it again. In fact, I hate to break it to you, Ushiro-san, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's found a way to kill you off again, too. She's kind of warped that way."
Ushiro leaned against the small building's wall beside Kenshin, groaning. "I hate my life and my death."
They stood there awkwardly for another long moment before Ushiro spoke again. "So what are we supposed to do now? I mean, I'm dead... that kind of puts an end to the plot, given that this whole thing was supposed to be about a failed spy mission and us trying to 'turn this joke of a mission into something worthwhile', according to her summary. But if I'm dead and only hallucinating Katsura sending us on one—" Ushiro broke off at a strange sound from down the street. His brows drew together as he listened carefully. "Kenshin, did you hear that?"
The redhead nodded. "Yes, Ushiro-san. But there's no ki."
"Yeah... I didn't feel any either. What the hell?" The swordsman crept forward, making it a point (more out of habit than any logical reason) to stay in the shadows. After making it forward about a block or so, he saw motion a ways away. Faintly in the moonlight, he could see a mass of people walking slowly down the street. "What the hell?" How had neither of them sensed the ki? And what were they doing?
"Do you see this?" he asked.
Kenshin just nodded dumbly.
"Okay. Just making sure I wasn't hallucinating this, too." Ushiro squinted his eyes, trying to get a better look. They looked greenish in the pale moonlight. Several of them appeared to have a wicked limp. Most of them walked with their arms hanging limply to their sides. A few had their heads cocked at a funny angle.
And... was that music?
He listened. Yes... it was. Obnoxious music that was getting louder and more obnoxious by the minute. With singing. Who the hell was singing in the street after midnight in Kyoto? And what the hell was a "thriller?"
There was no way this could get any weirder...
He glanced at Kenshin whose jaw had dropped. "Are those... zombies?" he asked in shock.
"Are they dancing?" Ushiro responded.
Sure enough, the mass of people had begun to dance. In sync. Their heads and shoulders twitching, they began raising their arms from left to right. Well, all except the few who seemed to have lost their arms along the way.
Apparently tonight it was a stupid idea to ask if anything could get weirder.
"Is there a protocol for facing dancing zombies?" Ushiro asked, dazed. He continued carefully studying the group, not really expecting Kenshin to answer. Then he started recognizing a few of the less decomposed of the faces. "Oh shit," he moaned. "Dammit, Kenshin... do you realize who these people are?"
The redhead just shook his head. Apparently his partner having been a ghost for months was nothing shocking, but a league of dancing zombies had managed to render him speechless.
Ushiro gritted his teeth. "These are zombies of all the people you killed."
Kenshin's head snapped up and he finally made eye contact with Ryu once again. There was a clear oh shit look on his face.
Ushiro agreed completely. It looked like the entire street was filled with them. "Dammit, Kenshin. How many people have you killed?"
The smaller man actually looked a bit pitiful. "A lot...?"
"No shit," Ryu growled. "I told you not to take down that entire unit last week. We only needed to take out the lead."
"I didn't want any of them following us," Kenshin promptly replied in a defensive voice.
"Well, they're after us again anyway, aren't they?" Ryu snapped. "Dammit, I hate having to fight Undead Shinsengumi."
But Kenshin wasn't listening, still staring at the crowd. "Ushiro-san... is that Captain Sagara? I never killed Captain Sagara..."
Ryu didn't even bother looking. "Can't be, Kenshin. He's not dead yet."
Kenshin sweatdropped at that. "Well, our respected authoress did kind of suck at research awhile back. Didn't she mess that up in one of her stories?"
"Oh yeah..." the taller man murmured. "Dammit. He's probably going to hold that little thing about us Shishi slaughtering his entire unit against us, too."
"This isn't good."
"Ya think?" Ryu replied sarcastically. He sighed. "Look. I'll take Sagara. You take the rest."
"That's not fair! That puts over three hundred men against me!"
"And whose fault is that?" Ryu responded, keeping an eye on the slowly advancing mass of rotting flesh. "I'm taking the one guy in the mix who you didn't kill." At Kenshin's pitiful look, he relented a bit. "Oh fine... save me a few Shinsengumi zombies... I probably killed twenty of them or so..."
Kenshin nodded, looking a bit green himself. He took a deep breath. Then a thoughtful expression lit on his face. "How exactly do you kill a zombie anyway?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know? The Night of the Living Dead isn't going to be created for another hundred years. What do you suggest?"
Kenshin shrugged. "I don't know. Try salt."
"Salt? They're zombies, not slugs." His expression was incredulous. "Where am I supposed to find that much salt anyway?"
Kenshin sent Ushiro a strange look. "What? You didn't raid Okami's kitchen for salt before we left?"
"Why the hell would I have thought to do that?"
"In case we were attacked by zombies, of course."
Ryu held his head, seriously considering stabbing his companion and creating a dead person of his own. "Even if that were a logical response... which it isn't... where would I have kept enough salt to dehydrate an entire zombie army? In my gi?"
"Maybe."
"Oh, good god I'm going to kill you, Kenshin. I really am. Not like I have to worry about you retaliating and taking me down anymore." Then an odd thought struck him and he paused in his tirade. "Wait. If I'm dead, does that mean I'm a zombie, too?"
Kenshin shook his head. "I don't think so. You're a ghost."
"I'm solid."
"Then you're a solid ghost."
Ryu made a face at that ridiculous statement. "That doesn't even make sense. Are you sure I'm not a zombie?"
Kenshin sighed the way a frustrated parent sighs when dealing with a hyperactive, quizzical two-year-old. "You're not rotting and you're not trying to eat my brains. You aren't a zombie."
"That sucks." At Kenshin's expression, he clarified. "I figured we could just hide for now and then when they wander off, I could join them as an incognito spy and burn them in their sleep."
"They're dead," the redhead responded, exasperated. "They don't sleep."
"I sleep," was the reply.
"That's because you're a delusional ghost. Now shut up and help me think of a way to kill them," Kenshin snapped.
Ushiro managed a small smirk. "My, aren't you pissy tonight? Wake up on the wrong side of the futon?"
Kenshin's eyebrow twitched. "If you weren't already dead..."
The taller man didn't bother responding to that, instead studying the approaching mass of dancing death. Wait a minute... He squinted his eyes to get a better look at some of the nearer zombies. No way... Can't be...
But it was.
Uneasily he glanced at his currently rather out-of-character friend. "Um... Kenshin?" he began, uncomfortably.
The redhead looked up, his irritated eyes holding a hint of amber in their depths. Eyes that some may describe as 'amber, sapphire, or amethyst orbs' (depending on the boy's mood... he apparently had mood eyeballs), though Ryu wasn't really into describing eyes by their shape. He didn't like thinking of friends' eyes as they would appear outside of their skulls. It was bad enough that he often found himself comparing the kid's eyes to random semi-precious stones.
"Quick question."
"Yes?"
"How are you doing getting over that girlfriend of yours?"
Kenshin's orbs flashed gold, and Ushiro edged about a foot away. Shit. "Not trying to be offensive... I just wanted to check. Because she's dancing at the front of the line.
The boy's eyes widened. "Tomoe? Tomoe's here? Shit... I need to shave! How does my hair look?" He began patting at his mass of flame-colored hair.
Ushiro sweatdropped at that. "First of all, you have no facial hair to bother shaving. Second of all, she's coming to eat your brains. If she gets you, your hair will be in the way of her food. Just focus on killing that bodyguard boyfriend of hers again. I'll take the girl... God knows, you'll probably break down crying or wind up with another scar." He paused thoughtfully. "And a star shaped scar on your cheek will honestly just look stupid."
Kenshin glared at him, but to his credit didn't skewer him for the insult or even the blatant admission of his intention to stab the boy's ex-wife all over again. He had to admit, he was a little grateful that he wouldn't have to do the stabitty stab again. Especially since this time he couldn't plead that it was literally "senseless murder."
"Fine," the boy responded sullenly.
Ushiro nodded. Good. At least the kid's being reasonable about it this time. No more broken knees over misunderstandings. Small comfort. The kid was getting so OOC that Ryu was starting to have a hard time predicting which ideas were good and which were bad to say...
"So..." he tried again. "How do we kill them?" He sent a stern look in the boy's direction. "And don't suggest any more food seasonings. I didn't raid Okami's pantry."
"Not even sake?" Kenshin asked surprised. "Given your penchant of alcoholism, I figured you'd have at least one bottle stuck somewhere."
Ushiro managed somehow to keep himself from telling Kenshin where he could stick his imaginary bottle of sake. "No," he responded curtly. "Shockingly I didn't shove any sake down my hakama. Anyway, what were you planning to do with it... get them drunk?"
Kenshin shrugged. "No. Just figured we could use some liquid courage. I don't dance well without it... and the music's kind of catchy."
At that, they both stopped to watch the approaching zombies once again. Thankfully, they'd broken into a few dance moves that required them moving from side to side and jumping back and forth rather than the slow advance they'd been doing earlier. And thank god this was a really long song. It meant that the imminent attack was still being delayed.
After a few more moments of thoughtful silence (and feet tapping to the music), Ushiro spoke again. "Do you think we could just borrow Godzilla from the last April Fool's day joke fic we were in? I mean, that thing pretty much took out everything."
Kenshin arched a red eyebrow. "Do you think lolo popoki would back us on this? I hear she's pretty tight with the psycho authoress who's working on this one..."
"Well, at least she didn't kill me off on that one... I think it's a risk we have to take..."
Kenshin shook his head, a note of panic creeping into his voice. "But what if she kills me off? She's done that before. In fact, she's known for doing that. She's famous for doing it..."
"Well... then we could be dead people together," was Ushiro's rather prosaic response.
"No," Kenshin responded decisively. "I'm not okay with that."
Both men fell into a thoughtful silence, Ryu's silence being a bit sulkier than his partner's.
Finally, the redheaded youth spoke again, grinning wickedly. "I have an idea. One that involves neither of us dying." At Ryu's sour look, he amended, "Well... it involves me not dying and you not being exorcised, if that counts for anything. You game, Ryu?"
Ushiro stared a the boy in surprise. Since when did he use familiar names? Was this even the real Battousai anymore? Had there been some alternate universe switch that Ushiro wasn't aware of? It would explain a lot... He shook his head, trying to keep focused on their ridiculous situation. "What idea?" he asked suspiciously.
Kenshin's grin spread. "I'm going to use the ultimate Hiten Mitsurugi attack on them."
Ushiro stared in mild surprise (he was rapidly growing numb to odd situations and random comments. It was becoming more and more difficult for him to manage anything more than moderate shock and mild surprise). "Kenshin," he started. "I thought you weren't supposed to learn the amakaka-cukoo-whatever until the Kyoto arc."
The boy shook his head, sending the older man a somewhat patronizing look. "I'm obviously not using that one. I mean the ultimate ultimate technique. The one I designed for kicking Shishou's ass next time I see him." At those words, he began laughing maniacally, a crazed look in his eyes. After a few moments of this, the laugh abruptly stopped and his expression grew merely amused once more.
Ushiro had scooted a few more feet away, nearly exposing himself to the moonlight, finding that the zombies seeing him and destroying his ghostly existence was less disturbing a thought than Kenshin and his disturbing laughter. He sweatdropped. "Um... yeah... That was actually a little creepy... even for you."
Kenshin smirked, saying nothing in response. Ryu supposed that he should just be grateful that the boy hadn't started with the crazy laughter once again.
"So..." the man began. "What's this ultimate technique of yours? You planning on telling me or just laughing about it until we—well, you—are killed by brain-eating zombies?"
"I'll do one better than that. I'll show you!" At that he whipped out of his second scabbard what Ushiro had expected to be a wakizashi but was instead, disturbingly enough, a pink and gold wand with a big read heart on the top. "Create Mary Sue!" he shouted, twirling around in a rather girlie circle and swinging the wand around him. Glittery rainbow sparks emanated from it along with flashes of pink light. Then, as quickly as it started, it stopped and Kenshin sheathed his wand again.
It took Ushiro a second to process what his partner had said, he had been so distracted by the magical girl anime action of the fearsome ex-hitokiri. "Wait a minute..." he began, once again attaching to the end of his phrase the horribly overused ellipse that the fanfiction authoress-kami person was frequently guilty of utilizing... especially in this story. He shook his head in mild horror. "Did you say "create Mary Sue?" He twitched a bit at that thought. "Why the hell did you do that?"
Kenshin stared at him as though this were the most obvious thing in the world. A short distance behind him, the rainbow glow had started again, taking a clearly female form. "Obviously it's because Mary Sues can destroy anything. Just ask them... they'll tell you about their awesomeness for hours..."
"Yeah... I know. But you missed one tiny problem with your plan." He watched as the glowy girl began to solidify.
"What's that?"
Ushiro twitched again as the light finally faded and the perfectly lovely Mary Sue's perfect eyes widened. "Mary Sues have a habit of trying to make out with you."
"Oh, yeah," Kenshin replied, his own eyes widening a touch. "I forgot about that. Well, shit..."
Before he could get another word out, Mary Sue glomped Kenshin, latching onto him tighter than any zombie every could.
"Get her off! Get her off!" Kenshin shrieked, his voice managing to hit notes so high pitch that he'd give Eric Adams a run for his money...
"You're the one who invoked her," Ryu responded unhelpfully. "God only knows what high school fic you pulled her out of."
"Just get her off of me!"
She went into her default "nurse him back to health" mode, which would have been great if he weren't perfectly healthy to begin with. Kenshin tried squirming out of her iron grip. "Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Kuso!" Hell... might as well throw some good ol' Japanese swearing in as well. No reason to confine his cursing to a language other than his own... even though everything else other than their clothing and weaponry had apparently been perfectly acceptable to be spoken in the language of the barbarians that they were currently trying to expel from their land...
Ushiro just smiled at him, feeling a bit justified after Kenshin's blatant disregard for his own Godzilla-related plan (obviously much better than this one). "Think on the bright side, Kenshin. At least you know that this one isn't after you for your brains..."
"I'm going to kill you, Ryu."
The ghost's grin spread. "Too late," he chirped cheerfully. He stroked his chin thoughtfully. "We could really use Godzilla now. He'd probably eat your irritatingly unrealistic and overly-perfect attacker. Do you think you could invoke him with another Hiten Mitsurugi thing?"
Kenshin was too busy trying to judo throw the girl to look at the older man. "Get off of me!" he shouted, finally managing a sour glare in his partner's direction. "What do you think I am, Ryu? Magic?" he groused, pissily. He bit Mary Sue's hand, managing to do nothing but chip a tooth. Apparently she was titanium-skinned android Mary Sue. Typical... "Try to get my wand out of the wakizashi scabbard and beat her with it. Maybe it will send her home." He was starting to huff and puff from the struggle. The girl was wearing him down. His hand twitched toward the katana, which he could almost reach now that she'd put him into a headlock-hug. "I'd say to kill her," he griped, "but I have no idea what an Undead Mary Sue would be like. I'm guessing she'd be worse..."
Ushiro carefully managed to sneak up behind the duo and slip the wand from Kenshin's scabbard, bashing her over the head. Miraculously, it seemed to work. There was a flash of light and she disappeared, leaving Kenshin to collapse to the street beneath him.
"Thank god," the boy wheezed, wiggling his fingers to regain feeling in them. Hoping they were numb from being squeezed too hard, rather than from nerve damaged because of super-android glomps. He looked gratefully up at Ushiro as he finally stood, brushing himself off. "Thanks."
Ryu smiled faintly. "Don't mention it. Now..." he motioned to the approaching zombie army. The danger seemed to be building. The music had jazzed up to the finally-almost-over state. Soon the zombies were going to lose interest in the excessively elaborate dance that was somehow not causing their loosely attached limbs to fall off, and they were going to either collapse from exhaustion (and loss of muscle tissue) or else they were going to be hungry enough from their music video-style dance-aerobics to stampede for a nice midnight snack of brains a la Shishi. "What do we do about our approaching Zombie Lords of the Dance?"
Kenshin shook his head, a worried look flashing across his face. "I don't know." His brow furrowed. "What I want to know is where all these zombies came from in the first place... Any ideas on that?"
"Alternate universe, I'd assume, "Ryu responded immediately. "So that means anything goes now."
"Oh, crap. So that means I could wind up travelling through time and switching places with an older version of myself, or some other crazy thing like that?" the boy responded, worried.
Ushiro sweatdropped at that. "Crazy..." he murmured. "Yeah, Kenshin... about that whole 'crazy time travel stuff'... there's something I probably should have told you awhile ago..."
Battousai shook his head, obviously unable to take any shocking revelations at the moment. "Let's wait on that one. I don't think I can handle any more shocking revelations at the moment." He twitched at his own words. "Damn, that felt like deja vu..."
Ushiro appeared puzzled, but didn't respond to that.
Kenshin continued. "So... if you're right... do you think we are in the AU or they are from the AU?"
"I'm pretty sure that as soon as the zombies showed up, this became the AU." He paused at that, thoughtfully adding, "Though I suppose it's possible that they came from a canon horrorfic... which would make this a crossover AU..."
Kenshin's eyes widened in concern. "Oh God... You seriously think that this might be a..." He gulped. "... a crossover now?"
"'Fraid so," Ushiro responded. "Though I think we may have hit crossover status back when you said 'I see dead people.'"
"Dear God, I figured with me becoming so OOC that this had to be a parody or something. Maybe even a crackfic. I never dreamed she'd go so far as a crossover. I mean, have you noticed how OOC I've been getting?"
Ushiro sweatdropped at that. "You don't say..."
Kenshin's brow further furrowed in concern. "You don't think this is only a badfic. I mean, I did invoke the obligatory Mary Sue."
Ryu looked thoughtful. "There are certain things necessary for it to become a full blown badfic, rather than just a bad fic. I mean... there's a difference, you know?"
Kenshin stared back at his friend blankly. "Like what?"
"Well, are you a reincarnated demon vampire whose cover is pretending to be a rich playboy at an American high school in the year 2008?"
The youth just blinked back at him for a moment. "No." He responded. Then in an attempt to be helpful, he added. "But, I am secretly a sparkly vampire from what will eventually be Washington state in America."
Ryu's face somehow remained deadpan. "Not badfic, then. But you just confirmed crossover." He studied the boy closely for the first time. "God, you do sparkle, though, now that I'm really looking at you. Is that a genetic mutation or something?"
"No. I was turned vampiric in Chicago in the early 1900s."
Ushiro shook his head. "Kenshin, it's only the mid-1800s. That's impossible."
Kenshin shrugged. "Small details," was his only response.
Ryu wasn't done, though. "Man, how did I miss this twinkle factor before? No wonder you're a shadow assassin. Cripes, you already looked a little girlie. This glitter isn't helping your cause." He shook his head. "Seriously... how did I not notice this?"
"I usually only glitter in the sun," Kenshin clarified. "But streetlights work, too."
"Kenshin, we don't have electricity."
"Well, we should. There'd be fewer accidents on this street if we had some light."
Ushiro facepalmed at that one, turning away to look at the zombies. The dancing had slowed and the music was coming to an end. Shit. Or kuso... Not sure what language we decided on...
He was frantically trying to come up with a solution to their dilemma when he realized that Kenshin was now just staring at him with a sort of puppy dog look on his face. "What?" the older man growled irritably. Dear god, what now? We need to be going Buffy on these guys and now twinkle toes is just staring at me...
Kenshin's expression didn't change, unless one counted that it was actually a bit more puppy doggish. "I suddenly have an insane desire to kiss you," he blurted out.
"Dammit, Kenshin," Ryu finally exploded, unable to take much more of this. "If this goes yaoi, I'm going to kick your glittery ass."
Kenshin blinked at him, startled. And confused. Tentatively, he asked. "Wait... if it's just kissing, isn't it still only shonen-ai? I mean... to be full blown yaoi, don't we have to—?"
"I mean it. One move and you'll have a brand new scar and the inability to bend either knee ever again. Now will you shut up and help me deal with the zombies? The music had finally ended, and they've apparently worked up an appetite." He motioned at the rapidly advancing onslaught of undead soldiers (and exes).
"Shit... Kuso... whatever..." Kenshin moaned. They were surrounded, having wasted too much time with pointless crack banter rather than actually doing anything functional. Now they were completely screwed.
Ushiro sighed. "Well," he muttered. "See you in your next life."
With that the zombies overtook them and everything went black.
Ushiro awoke with a start, sitting bolt upright in the small sake house and spilling the remains of his drink all over Kenshin who appeared both bored and less than impressed.
"So, you finally woke up," the ex-hitokiri commented mildly, wiping sake off of himself as best he could. "You fell asleep about fifteen minutes ago. Our useless friend stumbled out soon after." His brow furrowed in concern. "Are you all right, Ushiro-san?" he asked.
The tall swordsman was breathing hard, looking around the room for zombies. It took him a full minute to realize that it had all been a sake-induced dream. I'm never drinking that much again, he swore to himself. "I'm fine," he said, trying to calm himself down. "Why didn't you wake me sooner?" He stood a touch shakily, dropping some coins on the table, wiping some of the sake off of his own hands and onto his gi.
Kenshin stood as well. "I thought you could use the rest. You've been on guardwork for the past three nights. I figured twenty minutes or so wouldn't hurt."
Ryu nodded, studying his friend. Grateful that everything was back to normal. "Thank you, Battousai-san," he said quietly, following Kenshin out the door and into the bright moonlight.
"It was nothing, Ryu," the redhead replied.
"Wait," Ushiro replied, freezing. "When did you start using my familiar name?"
But Kenshin didn't respond, stepping into the light of the full moon. His skin began to faintly twinkle.
"Oh, shit."
~Owari~
Author's Note #2: Happy April Fool's Day! Congratulations for making it through that mess, and thanks for having the perseverance to do it! I hope you enjoyed my little bout of insanity and attempt at a crackfic.
Thanks are in order. First of all, a big thank you to lolo popoki. She not only beta'd this fic, but she also was a sounding board for most of my insane dialogue. And she even provided some of the dialogue, herself. (You have lolo to thank for the lines about salting the zombies to death.) I would also like to thank sueb262 for her beta work. And as usual, thanks to all of you for reading this fic and being patient with me as I switch back and forth between various fics and fandoms.
And for those of you who were trying to figure out the code thing in the opening author's note... go back to the summary and count out words until you get to each number. There's a hidden message:)
As to the title... it is also part of the joke, as "All for One" can also be read as "All 4/1". Happy April Fools Day!
Dewa mata.
Sirius:)