This is by far the darkest thing I have ever written. I'm really sad about Victorious ending so I guess I'm just feeling really dark right now. I'm sure my fiction will brighten up soon.
Please, please, please, do not read this if you are sensitive to the subjects of anorexia, bulimia, cutting, and/or depression. I said this was really dark and I don't want to corrupt an innocent mind.
I'm really sorry about this, it's really very sad in my opinion.
She didn't notice what she had become. She didn't notice the shrunken stomach and defined collar bones. She didn't notice that the scale said an unhealthy number for a seventeen year old girl.
She did notice the whispers.
She's at the stage where she doesn't know where the whispers are coming from anymore, it's all the same to her. The whispers come from everywhere, screaming that one fatal word.
"Fat."
By this time she could have been classified as insane. She didn't know what reality was anymore, she couldn't see past the voices. They formed a wall around her, shadowing her from help, eating her alive, waiting for her to snap.
Don't get the wrong idea, she wasn't stupid. She had a "special" grip on life, and she wasn't letting go anytime soon, that would make her look weak, like she just couldn't handle it, like she had broken.
But, hearts made of stone and veins coursing ice don't just break, they have to be broken. There is one person responsible for breaking her, and it was her fault that he had the chance to hurt her. She had let him in, took all her walls down, only to have those shadows replace them.
It would have been agonizing, if she could feel anything at all anymore. Those screaming voices should have made her want to make herself feel pain, of the real kind. But, even as crimson rivers trickled slowly to the floor, she smiled, loving the sight of red on white. It reminded her of roses on ice, beautiful and cold, just like her.
Things should have gotten better, they were together again, and everything seemed perfectly in place. She couldn't stop, she didn't even think about it anymore. She still smiled at the familiar sight of the crimson on her milky skin, the numbers still dropped, she was becoming weaker by the day, but she remained strong.
It wasn't pretty when he found out, he said all the bullshit boyfriends are supposed to feed to you. It was all lies though, the shadows had told her so.
The shadows were beginning to talk more often, she was happy about that. It made her feel less lonely, less hollow. Even though the shadows never said something positive, she was glad about the company in her mess of a head.
She lied. She told him she would stop, but the shadows had convinced her it was a little white lie, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
She never did realize how wrong she was about that.
More shadows started coming to her, and frankly, it was starting to get a little crowded up there. Sometimes when they screamed too loud, she would yell at them or hit herself over the head, most of the time they would settle down.
She felt bad making them be quiet, they were probably having a good time, and she was constantly disrupting them.
She set what was left of her sane mind to finding a solution to blocking out the voices without disrupting them. So, the plan wasn't completely sane, but the insane portion of her delusional mind overpowered anything else that might compete for top position.
She found that alcohol helped, of course getting rid of the liquids from her stomach into the toilets later. The intoxication made her possibly more numb to anything, it also left her itching for something.
Sex.
She didn't have to worry about that, she had her faithful boyfriend to fulfill her needs, and damn did he do her well. When she was with him, in moments like these, she didn't feel quite as numb. The feelings sort of came back, she could feel overwhelming bliss, and the occasional hint of her ever present depression trying to sneak into her Cloud 9 moment.
Throughout this entire time, her senses had sharpened. Every time he undressed her, she could see the sadness in his eyes as he looked over her fragile body. She assumed it was because she was still fat. He was actually worried about breaking her, she looked that easy to snap. Like an already cracked vase, balancing on the ledge of a table.
The alcohol didn't help anymore, neither did the sex, the shadows screaming was now impossibly loud. She found herself awake in the blackness of the night, walking around on the bad side of town. She wasn't scared that something horrible could happen to any moment during the night, because she sure as hell didn't care anymore. Anything was better than having those voices causing unbearable pain upon her.
Maybe the shadows wanted something out of her, although she had already given them what the had been hunting for; her sanity.
He begged her this time, begged her to eat, throw away the bloodstained scissors, anything that might help her recover. She was shocked just how much he didn't get it. Didn't he know that she didn't want to recover? That she liked it this way?
It was months before she came to realization of how bad things had gotten. He refused to satisfy her anymore, her protruding bones causing him too much sadness to look at.
She was looking at two photos. One from maybe a year and a half ago, one from maybe two weeks ago. It was horrifying, the older picture was beautiful, she looked happy and healthy. The recent photo made her stone heart fill with the first very much present grief she had felt in a long time. Her cheeks were sunken, eyes dim and not quite there at all. He clothes hung loosely over her skeletal frame, her hair dull and stringy.
She went to his RV that night, not being able to kick the door in like past times, she knocked timidly. He let her in quickly and she made herself comfortable, to break probably the worst news he will ever hear.
"Beck, I want to recover." Her voice was hoarse, from not being used in a lengthy amount of time.
"Jade, baby, we'll put you in rehab, anything." He took her hand gently, still afraid of breaking her china like fingers.
"Can't you see it's too late?" She almost laughed at him, his hope that everything would get better if she went to a rehabilitation center for a few months. That would probably make her worse, without him things would get even darker for her.
"What?" So innocent, so naïve, so hopeful.
"You have a promising future, Beck, and I'm not a part of that. The shadows tell me that enough... You're going to find someone bright, colorful, happy, someone who hasn't let the demons take over. You're going fall in love with that girl, and you're going to let me go." Her voice was commanding, despite the cracking in her words.
"What are you saying? Where are you going?" His voice quivered as tears rolled down the tan skin she loved so much. She felt herself loosing control again, but for once she fought back, she couldn't lose in front of him.
She found her mouth against his ear, breath tickling his skin. "I'm giving in." She smiled lightly and pressed her pale, dry lips to his cheek.
"Jade don't give in, don't be a coward!" His tone was angry, but you could hear the hurt dripping from his voice.
"Dammit, Beck, don't you get it? I can't do it anymore, I can't live like this. I feel lost in myself, swimming in all this shit I've drug myself into!" She was screaming, she was done. So completely and utterly done with being called cowardly, she was brave god dammit. She had survived this long in the black hole of a world we live in.
"I'm sorry I didn't save you in time." He mumbled, tears still forming tracks down his cheeks.
"I'm sorry too." And with those final words, she left the RV for the very last time.
The voices were mocking her, laughing at her, insulting her.
By the time the last scream of agony rang out through the silent night, she was too far away for anyone to hear.
The first thing she noticed after she hit herself over the head for the last time was quiet. Gone was the constant screaming insults, replaced by eery quiet. The second thing she noticed was everything was white, not like the black night she last remembered.
"Where am I!?" She screamed, her beautiful voice echoing.
"You're wherever you want to be, my dear." A bodiless voice whispered, voice carrying with the slight breeze she felt against her skin.
"I didn't do anything right, why do I deserve this?" She was in the place where people like Beck and Vega go, she had done nothing to deserve ever-lasting paradise.
"Darling, you let the demons take over, but the angel never left."