People who you least expect to save Christmas... save Christmas. Huh.

There are times in life where people surprise you, and when they do... AH SCREW THIS. Nobody gives a (beep) about this stuff authors say before their stories anyway. Just... just... enjoy this... while I go throw myself off a bridge. (a clip of Gamedude64 throwing himself off a bridge plays, until it's cut in half anyway. It's due to paranoia that anything relating to death will make people mad due to the Connecticut shooting that happened on Friday, even though it has nothing to do with guns.)

I'm using this space often wasted on stupid disclaimers to pay respect to all the victims of the shooting.

Jake the Penguin: Everyone here at Gamedude studios says sorry for those who mourn for their lost loved ones.

Lisa: It's just so sad! (crying)

Paper Tony: I tip my hat to those who survived to tell the tale.

Agent F: (nods)

Gamedude: Man, you hobos sure are sweet.

Jake: Thanks.

Gamedude: Seriously, though. Get out of my computer.

Lisa: Wha-?

It was cold December night, but not too cold. The lights down the street shined brightly, but not too bright. People at malls were tired, but... you get the picture.

That's because it's Christmas Eve once again! And all the kids dreamed of their presents they would recieve the following morning (their lists consisted mainly of ipads and Wii U's. Greedy brats.) But, not all shared in this festive cheer, as a few people brewed in their own lack of Christmas spirit.

Random person in front of computer: Is this guy serious? That plot element is so cliché, I doubt even Disney uses it anymore!

Yes, these few people were people who were more like... anti-heroes, at best.

"Is that stupid squirrel done burning those cookies yet?" A black hedgehog grumped, watching a particular Christmas special he couldn't stand, but had lost the remote and didn't want to move his lazy ass to the tv to change the channel.

"No, Shadow, he's not done yet. And would you please just shut up already? Rudolph is about to ask Clarice out!" A teenage boy with white hair replied.

Shadow gave the boy a look. "I told you a million times, Riku, the freak doesn't ask the fawn out!"

Riku only smirked. "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

"Who are you calling black?!" The hedgehog looked like he was about to karate chop Riku in the neck.

The boy held up his hands defensively. "Whoa, I wasn't meaning to be racist there!"

"Well, you were!"

They were interrupted by smoke and a beeping sound. "I guess you weren't joking about Conker burning the cookies." Riku attempted to find a fire extinguisher.

"Well, yeah, that idiot can't cook for (beep)."

"THAT could have gone better." Conker said to the others.

"Ugh, these cookies taste like (beep)." Shadow said as he made a face.

"What is it with you swearing all the time?"

"Oh, I don't know, why do you sound like you have a cold all the time?"

Riku turned to Conker. "He hasn't been the same ever since he starred in his own game."

"Yeah, I can relate." The squirrel bit into his black Santa cookie (WOW, that sounded racist) before continuing. "Have YOU starred in your own game yet?"

Riku didn't answer.

"I'll take THAT as a no." Riku only gave him a sideways glance.

"Well, I'm sure as heck not looking forward to that, considering what happened to you guys."

The two stared at him before asking, "What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"Look at you guys!" Riku pointed at Shadow. "You have gone from "Ultimate Life Form" to "butt of racism jokes" in one easy step! And you-" He pointed at Conker, who was busy having some nice Bud Light. "When was the last time we saw YOU outside of the Nintendo 64?"

"Hey, there was no WAY I was agreeing to that retarded deal Microsoft was putting out! Look at what they did to Banjo and Kazooie!"

Near Spiral Mountain...

A fat and tired Banjo was snoring his pathetic life away while his equally fat bird friend played some Call of Duty on her fifth Xbox, since all the others already red-ringed. (I seriously wish I was joking. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!)

Back at the house...

Riku turned back to the TV. "Yeah, I guess you have a point there."

"Told ya." Conker then went back to his beer.

The Christmas special was then interrupted by an emergency news report. "We interrupt this broadcast for an important news flash."

Shadow only rolls his eyes. "Like I haven't heard THAT one before."

"After a strange unidentified flying object was seen flying over the city, it was shot down by an unknown source. The object was seen falling towards the park. Whoever did this is yet to be identified, but let's hope the flying object are not aliens, and our uncalled for act have not angered them." The TV then switches back to the special.

"If they are aliens, I hope they're dead." Shadow states.

"I don't know, I've played Fallout 3, and if I'm correct, those aliens will disintegrate us all with those zappy guns of theirs." Conker analyzes.

Shadow snerks at the term "zappy guns".

"Dude, just because you played Fallout 3 doesn't make you an aliens expert." Riku points out.

"Kid, I haven't got my information from JUST Fallout... I've also played Majora's Mask!"

The teenager facepalms. "Oh brother..."

"I don't know WHAT those aliens did to that Romani, but it must have been some messed up stuff." Conker rants.

"Well-" Shadow gets up off the couch (finally). "-there's only one way to solve this mystery." He pulls out a random Chaos Emerald. "CHAOS CONTROL!" A bright flash is seen, then the room is empty.

Random person in front of computer: That's IT? They decide to go there because of a random argument? This story sucks!

A flying egg-shaped vehicle is seen not too far from the park. In it, an obese man is seen laughing like a maniac. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It worked! My Egg-Bazooka actually worked! Now, if my calculations are correct, I have just shot down the legendary Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus! Once I find the jolly fat man, I'll steal all the presents in his sleigh!"

Random person in front of computer: You have GOT to be joking. Eggman stealing presents? WHY? What PURPOSE does this serve?!

Dr. Eggman continues. "And once I have the presents in my possession, I'll give them ALL back... and charge ridiculous prices for them! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Random person in front of computer: ... Okay, that's actually not a bad idea.

"You'll be richer than Richie Rich!" A robot chicken tells him.

"Who even reads that comic anymore?" A green driller robot asks the chicken.

"I do!" The chicken answers.

"Well, I don't!"

"Shut up, you two! You're distracting the boss!" A tall, yellow robot shouts at the two bickering morons.

"You stay out of this!" The chicken exclaims.

A short, grey robot interrupts. "Don't talk to us like that!"

A small, black robot chimes in. "Yeeeeeah!"

"Oh, be quiet!" The green driller puts in.

"Man, this hoot-nanny sure is giving me a headache, eh Orbot?" A small, yellow, square robot asked his red spherish friend.

"Oh, it's maddening, alright."

Meanwhile, the poor doctor is caught right in the middle of it all. "Now I remember why I kept these buffoons in storage."

During all this, a flying airship is seen flying towards the same park.

"What do you MEAN, we missed?!" A giant turtle monster shouted at his wizard minion, Kamek.

"I'm sorry, Lord Bowser, but at least somebody ELSE shot it down, right?"

Bowser turned his back to Kamek. "You don't get it. Me and my son have been extra naughty this year, and that reminder of Mario promised me lumps of coal the size of MARS this time, so if I don't intercept those presents, my son's will throw a tantrum and completely TRASH my castle!"

Kamek looked confused. "Didn't you buy anything for Jr.?"

The turtle turned red. "Nope. I was too busy kidnapping Peach again." He shakes his head. "No matter how many extra defenses I put up, he still gets through! I don't get it!" He then smiles wickedly. "But once I have Santa's presents..." An evil laugh echos through the air.

"Why did you have to take us along with you?" Conker whines.

"For stupid plot elements, that's why!" Shadow answers as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You of all people should get that."

Random person in front of computer: Why am I still reading this? It's not like anybody still reads this guy's crap.

Riku notices a sleigh near the lake. "Hey, look! I think we found it!"

Shadow cocks a random gun. "Now let's make sure the aliens STAY dead."

"Where did you even get that?!" Conker is dumbstruck.

"Shadow. Conker. I don't think those are aliens."

Conker turns to him. "What do you mean?"

"Notice those presents littered among the ground? And those bells?"

Shadow, with his gun still in hand, nods. "That is strange."

"I think that object shot down was..." Riku looks behind some shrubbery, and a big, red sleigh comes into view. "...Santa Claus."

"Ow ow ow... what happened?" A fat guy in red asks from inside the sleigh.

Conker does a double take. "Whoa, it really IS Santa."

Shadow has his gun pointed at the man. "Do you really believe this douche is him? What're you, five?!"

"Don't shoot him!" Riku tries to take the gun away, but fails.

"Why not? It really could be an alien!"

The squirrel sees something ahead. "I don't think aliens get around by flying reindeer, genius."

Shadow turns around, and see reindeer are hooked up to the sleigh, with their respective names taped onto them. "I still think this is all nothing but bull-"

Santa interrupts. "Why, hello there, boys! I seem to have crashed here in this park."

Conker rolls his eyes. "Yeah, we noticed."

"I don't know how that happened, but I need to check and make sure my sleigh is still functional." The jolly one pokes around his vehicle until he sees something. "Everything is fine except for this huge, gaping hole under my seat. I'll fall right out if I don't fix it!" He procedes to get his toolbox out of his secret locked compartment until he discovers he lost the key. "Oh, gumdrops!"

Random person in front of computer: Gumdrops?

"This guy's kinda wimpy." Riku (once again) points out.

"My compartment where I keep my toolbox for repairs is locked and the key is lost! Christmas is ruined!" Santa then procedes to be incredibly depressed and sits on the sleigh in gloom.

"Key? Maybe I can help!" Riku then makes Way to Dawn materialize in his hands. "This bad boy can unlock anything!" The boy points it at the lock, and opens it. The compartment opens, revealing a plate of cookies, a teddy bear, medication pills, a Playboy magazine, and the toolbox.

Santa snaps out of his depression and is super jolly and happy again. "Hooray! Christmas is saved!" He then gets to work.

Random person in front of computer: Why is this story depicting Santa as bipolar?

The saint thanks the guys, even though Riku was the only one who did anything. "Done! Now I can fly my sleigh again! Thanks to you, Christmas is saved! Now I just need to make sure all presents are here..."

He's interrupted by a familiar voice. "That won't be neccessary, Kris." Everybody turns around, and are half-surprised by who they see. Emphasis on "half".

"We'll take care of that for you... once we steal 'em all, that is!" Another voice say- heck, I'll just say their names. Bowser and Eggman cackled from their flying egg-shaped objects. (anyone notice how similar Bowser's clown-car looks to Eggman's mobile? Nobody? Okay.)

"Oh, big surprise there." Conker shrugs.

"You'll be handing over the presents to us now!" Eggman held out his hand expectingly.

Riku already had the Keyblade back out, Conker looked indecisive, and Shadow looked like he didn't give a (beep).

"Don't come any closer!"

"Hmmm..."

"Take them. I don't care." Shadow turned away, while Riku was aghast.

"What?! How could you say that?!"

"Because I don't have good memories with Christmas, that's why." Shadow remembered the day it happened...

Space station ARK, long ago...

"Oh, Shadow! Today's Christmas!" Maria said cheerfully.

"Christmas? What's that?" Shadow was confused by this concept.

"It's a time of year when you see people you love and have good memories with them!"

"But I do that everyday already. What makes this day any different?"

"Because you it reminds you of love and thankfullness. You also exchange gifts! Here..." She handed him a wrapped up box. "I got you something."

Shadow took the box in hand. "Oh, thanks. But I didn't get you anything."

"Oh, that's okay! You didn't know. Go on, open it up!" Maria smiled as Shadow carefully tore open the box, and discovered the present inside. "Do you like it?"

"A... picture? Of us?" He was holding a framed picture of him and Maria smiling together.

"It's so you remember our friendship forever." Maria took Shadow's hand... or was about to, anyway, until red lights flashed everywhere. "Wha-?!"

RED ALERT. RED ALERT. WE ARE UNDER ATTACK.

"I see them!" A soldier exclaimed upon entering the room.

"Run!" Shadow yelled before running away to the control room where the escape capsule was.

Present time...

"Shadow!"

"Huh?"

I need a little help here!"

The hedgehog woke up from his memory and discovered Conker and Riku were try to dodge Bowser and Eggman's classic wrecking ball (if I just said ball, it wouldn't sound right).

"DIE DIE DIE..." Bowser continued launching fire at Riku, as he tried to get a hit in.

"You're going DOWN, furry!" Eggman almost smashed Conker to the ground on that attempt.

Shadow didn't know if he wanted to help his friends(?) or not, so he teleported away.

"Where's he going?!" Riku said before he grabbed by throat by Bowser.

At this time, Gamedude was hard at work, trying to get this crap out before it was too late, but discovered he would miss his deadline if he didn't haul ass and hurry up, so the author sprinkled magic "learning your lesson" dust on Shadow that he found. It was located at the Disney studios, so that would explain their recent movies.

"Losing... consciousness..." A blue-headed Riku said.

"Heh heh heh. Looks like it's check-" An energy blast knocked him off his feet, and made Riku fly into some soft bushes.

"-mate." Shadow intervened.

"What the... hey! I've fallen and I can't get up!" The turtle procedes to call Life Alert as Shadow moves on to Eggman.

Conker trips over a root sticking out of the snow, and falls to the ground, helpless as a giant, checkered ball comes flying towards his body. "I never thought I'd meet my end from balls to the face!" Luckily, Shadow throws a Chaos Spear at the ball, causing the balls to pop and deflate. "Wait, it was only a mere BEACHBALL?"

Eggman shrugs. "I was tight on money this year." He then sends his robot minions to attack the guys.

Riku summons the keyblade back out, Conker looks pissed, and Shadow has his hands all glowy and shiny with energy. The useless right-hand men and anti-heroes converge in an epic fight to the death, leading to one of the most awesome fights ever known to man- just kidding. The bots crumble under the guys' might.

"..."

After Life Alert gets Bowser off his turtle back, the two villians charge at our heroes in a last ditch effort to stop them and steal the presents, but Shadow has one last surprise for them. "Chaos... BLAST!"

"Ho ho ho! Thank you, boys, for stopping those evil men and saving Christmas! Now, if you'll excuse me-" Santa hops into his sleigh. "-I have presents to deliver." He flys off into the night. "Merry Christmas!"

Riku turns to Shadow. "What made you come back and help us?"

"I remembered Christmas is about friends and memories, not the cruddy presents. And let me tell you, this is one hell of memory!" Shadow responds.

Conker chuckles. "Tell me about it."

Christmas morning...

"Oh, sweet!" Riku exclaims upon opening his present from Santa. "I got Paper Mario: Sticker Star for Christmas! I've been wanting that all year!"

"But it just came out in November, idiot."

Conker procedes the gift Santa gave him. He is actually happy. No, scratch that. He's having an orgasm. "An easy "make your own beer" machine?! AWESOME."

Shadow only smirks at the childish behavior his friends are giving. When he looks under the tree, though, he discovers Santa also left a present to him. "What?" Shadow carefully tears the wrapping paper, and is surprised at the gift given to him. "It... it can't..." He's speechless at the wonderous object, bringing back memories of him and Maria.

The gift was the picture Maria gave him on that Christmas long ago.

The EEEEEEEEEEEEND. What did you think, huh? I decided it would be genius to make the day the ARK was invaded and shut down Christmas. Didn't see that one coming, did ya? Yeah, to all those still faithful enough to me to still read my stuff, THANK YOU.

Anyway, I'm planning on releasing a new story about stupid shenanigans Paper Mario does. It doesn't really have a plot, it's more like a cartoon series they put out these days. I mean, REALLY? Does EVERY cartoon I watch these days have to be raunchy? Don't get me wrong, this is coming from a guy who's recurring theme is beer. But still. You know what ah'm sayin.

Besides that, I still hope you people in Connecticut are okay and can learn to move on from this tragedy. Peace out.