Her beautiful brown eyes, her flawless complexion, her hair cascading around her oval face, forming a sea of curly brown locks, full of mystery. Her way of living in the moment. Always high on "carpe diem". Her attention always seems to be focusing on me.
The way my heart skips a beat every time she looks in my direction. The way my knees go weak when she "accidentally" bumps her hand into mine. The way her lips do a full on ear-to-ear grin when I say something unconventionally funny. The way her eyes dart from side to side when I notice her stare is longing towards me. The way we seem to know what each other is feeling and how we always seem to finish each others' sentences. The way she makes me feel, as if I'm the only person in the world worth devoting time to. The way we are so in touch with our feelings when we're around each other.
I'm at my most vulnerable state when I'm with her. I wonder if she even notices my shivers when she looks in my direction. I wonder if she has ever seen my stumbles when she mentions my name as "Spence". I wonder how I could have ever lived before I met her. I wonder how she feels when she catches me glancing at her… deep in thoughts of what all I would want to do with her. I admit, my emotions do get the better of me and I must say… I'm not at all worried about them when I'm with her. I'm more open to new ideas, bands, foods and choice of clothing when she's around. The Spencer I once knew seems to just disappear when she's around and she takes me to a place where I can fully be myself – whoever that is.
I get lost in translation when I see even an ounce of her skin showing. Possibly from her lifting her arms above her head, in order to stretch off the insecurities that hide beneath that protective shell she has developed. I wonder how her parents could just desert her like that. She is the greatest person in the world and I just don't understand it one bit. It's as if they have completely rinsed themselves of ever having a fully developed daughter; all alone in her huge mansion. Waiting for someone – possibly me – to come to her rescue and take her from that dark, unloving place of broken hearts. Like a princess locked in the highest tower… waiting for her knight in shining armor to come to her. Surprisingly enough, I am not knight. I have no armor and the only towers I've ever seen around here are in West Hollywood. Anyway, back to my most inner thoughts.
I am at my wit's ends and all I can do now is wait for the right moment to finally open up and tell her all my thoughts that have compiled since the day I met her. It's as if I have developed a school-girl crush and I am unable to tell her. I mean, I'm in high school. It's supposed to be a cinch to tell someone you like them. But, I believe that my situation calls for a deeper approach. I don't think I like her… I think I might love her. That's right! I, Spencer Carlin, do indeed agree to myself that I am absolutely, in fact, in love with Ashley Davies. But, what is love, really? Is it a devotion that you give to someone after saying those three meaningful words? Is it the uprising of your true feelings, coming clean to themselves? Is it a struggle you deal with until you suppress them to yourself and that person you are obsessing over? That will be a question that will probably haunt me until the day I die.
What is love?
I use to be afraid of all the glares I got… just from walking with Ashley to her next hour. I use to think to myself, "Why do all these people hate her so much? What did this sweet, sexy girl ever do to deserve such painful treatment?" And then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Ashley isn't hated for doing something to all those people, she is hated for – just being herself. They don't hate her for being a rock star's daughter. They don't hate her for being a rich kid, who drives a Porsche. They hate her for being herself – homosexual.
Why were people so uptight about this subject? Why can't everyone just have an open-mind and get their heads out of the gutters. This is the 21st Century, people! These kinds of things are now accepted. When I lived in Ohio, these kinds of things were considered to be known as, (at least, this is what the older generation called it):
"Satanic forces are their finest!"
And, of course, me being the "Girl Next Door with the perfect Catholic family"… I went along with it. Thinking that they were 100 completely and utterly right!
But, once I met Ashley… my thoughts on that certain subject were immediately changed.
How can one hate another one just for being "different"? I mean, seriously! It has been a thought that I have pondered on since the moment I figured out Ashley's sexual preference. As I have said before, she is the greatest person in the world. How can someone just hate her for being that way? It leaves me in a cold cloud of uncertainty and cluelessness. But, as I have promised myself time after time, I will not let those kinds of people get to me. I have devoted most of my time to her and I have yet to understand all that is her. All that is, Ashley Davies. So, for the time being, remember me as the one who knows a lot, but understands little.