In the beginning
He seems to be avoiding her, this Peter Quill, captain of the Guardians of the Galaxy. She finds herself… irritated. She doesn't know why it bothers her so much.
She finds herself seeking him out, looking for him, and when she finds something of interest she often ends up smiling and her first instinct is to go find Peter and show it to him.
It's only after she finds herself walking around the ship, popping her head in rooms, trying to find where he's hiding out that she wonders why she wanted to show it to him in the first place.
He hadn't made any indication that he wanted to be her friend. Sure, he's nice and polite and tries to accommodate and make it as easy as possible for Gamora to adjust and get acclimated, and he's helpful and nice, but she clearly makes him uncomfortable.
He's made his wishes known, by his actions, always pulling back and withdrawing when she tries to extend a hand of friendship or something. Peter clearly wants to keep his distance.
Why was that so upsetting?
It was frustrating- and she didn't know why. Why she couldn't just respect his wishes, why she kept trying to metaphorically reach out, why it bothered her so much when he pushed her further and further away.
Why did she even wanna be close to him? Why did she keep trying to be his friend when he so obviously didn't want to be hers?
Okay, she knew it wasn't like that. It wasn't easy for any members of the team. Sometimes she's almost glad it happened to her. Because as she's laughing with her team, as she looks out with a wave and rush of fondness at her best friends, her family, she gets this painful feeling in her chest at the thought of Rocket not remembering their hand of poker last night and how Mantis beat them all hands down, at the thought of Drax looking at her and not knowing who she was.
It's been over a month, she's certain she's not getting her memories back. But she was surprisingly okay with that.
Because the first time she opened her eyes after being brought back from the dead, she had no idea who these people where, but she knew they were family. They were her friends, she trusted them. She couldn't remember them, but she knew they were family.
They've already gotten back into the 'swing of things', working together as a team, their interactions, fighting and arguing and having fun and annoying each other like always.
Normal. She doesn't remember what normal used to be, but she can feel it. She knows it in her heart that this is what home feels like. This is where she belongs.
As she gets onto Groot about his language and rolls her eyes at Rocket and Peter arguing, and doing readouts for their latest mission and automatically adjusting her language to be more literal so Drax wouldn't get confused about directions- this was right.
How things used to be. How they should be. How they are. It is still strange and not necessarily pleasant on some occasions, but for the most part things are comfortable in their relationships to each other, happy and just the right amount of familial aggravating that's only come from being a family for years. Nothing's changed that.
This is as it should be. Home.
Things aren't necessarily how they were, not quite, but it still feels right. Different, but right.
Except… Peter.
She doesn't know if anyone else can sense it.
She swears there's always tension between them, but she doesn't know if anyone else has picked up on it. She doesn't know why he's still far away when Rocket and Drax and Mantis are close and there for her and set on becoming her family again. She doesn't know why he can't just accept that and be her family again.
She doesn't know why it hurts so much when he withdraws again.
She's trying not to take it personally. She's been filled in on their past adventures as Guardians of the Galaxy, she's heard about saving Xandar from Drax, Mantis has told her about Ego and how Peter's father almost killed them all and destroyed the universe but they saved it as a team, Rocket has told her about how Peter distracted Ronan with ridiculous dance moves and music from his mother's mixtape, and made Gamora snort with laughter as he described it.
She knows of his history of losing his mother and his surrogate father figure, the only family he ever had. She knows it must have destroyed him to lose yet another family figure in her. Now she's back, and he's having trouble reconciling the pain and heartache. Plus tons of emotional issues (they're all kinda fucked up, she knows that).
She's trying not to take it personally.
She should respect his wishes and keep a safe emotional distance between them for the time being, but she wants her family back, and Peter's still so far away from her, and she's determined to win her friend back over. She wants her friend back.
She doesn't know why it's so frustrating when she can't find him anywhere on the ship and why she goes looking for him so often, until one day she realizes- she wants his attention.
That's why she always wants to bring her datapad over after reading something interesting, why she always thinks of some question to ask their resident Terran, why when she's made a discovery she always tries to call him over, why she always wants to find him and share something with him right away. She wants his attention. He barely even looks at her when she isn't directly addressing him.
She doesn't know why her chest hurts so much when it feels like he won't give her the time of day. Why she wants to tell him to suck it up and stop avoiding her like the plague, why she wants so badly to just have a normal damn conversation with him. Why she wants to tell him it's not easy for her either, but she's trying. She wants to ask him so badly why he's not even trying.
But she doesn't. Instead she just gets frustrated every time he pulls away. But she keeps trying.
"What is his problem?" Gamora asks, more than a little ticked, slamming the bottle of whiskey back down on the table a bit too hard.
"Who?"
"Peter. He looks at me like he killed me himself. And that's even if he looks at me," she scowls. "I get you all feel guilty about what happened. But there's self-blame, and then there's- whatever shit he's so worked up about. Why can't he just get over it like you guys? So things can get back to normal. He's always so weird around me. And he- he smiles so easily with you guys," Gamora swallows, a lump forming in her throat. "He doesn't smile like that with me. Like maybe I killed someone or something. Just- why's he gotta make a big deal? He always gets quiet and leaves the room when I walk in the room. What's he got against me, huh? What'd I ever do to him? I would apologize, 'xept I can't even remember what I did, but he still seems set on holding it against me. Won't even tell me what I did wrong. Or let me try to fix it. What's his deal?" She's just ruminating, being a little pissy and finally venting her frustrations with the family that doesn't ignore her. She doesn't expect an answer. But she gets one anyway.
Drax was never known for his sensibilities or holding his tongue. He doesn't phrase things delicately or lightly- blunt is the only way he knows how to speak. "You were his girlfriend, Gamora."
It chills her to the bone. She looks up from her drink, around the table. Rocket and Mantis are looking down at the table, looking guilty. And she knows it's true.
"W-what?" She asks, her voice breaking.
"I thought you knew," Drax says, apparently unaware (or more likely had just forgotten) that they were keeping this major, major thing from her.
Rocket still won't look at her. "All the experts 'n docs n shit said it'd be best for you to just have your friends 'n family. That it was important for your recovery. Familial support or something. They said remind you of who your friends 'n family was."
"So when I… we were…?" She asks, voice wavering.
"Yeah," Rocket confirms.
She gets up abruptly from the table and leaves. No one goes after her. She needs to process this, alone. She goes to the room and slams her door shut, locking it.
She goes and sits on top of her bed, curls up, holding her knees to her chest.
They were dating when she died. Peter was still her boyfriend less than two months ago. It wasn't like they used to date and then they had broken up or something. No, they were together, in a romantic relationship when she died on Vormir.
That's why.
She thinks of every time she's seen that sad, sad look on his face the past month, whenever he looked at her, the look he got when he plastered on a fake smile that was only for her benefit, why he always got quiet when she walked in the room, why he always slipped out when she wasn't looking, she thinks of every time she saw his face this past month, that look in his eyes, whenever she reached out and he pulled away.
Gamora starts to cry.
Loud and jagged, holding her knees. She thinks this is what heartbreak feels like.
Once she's gotten all the tears out, she almost feels relieved.
She finally had an answer. Why something felt like it was missing, that tugging in her chest like he was wrapped in her heart strings and pulled them with him every time he left- every time he walked away from her. Why she felt so full every time she saw him genuinely smile at someone else, why it hurt so much that he didn't smile that way at her. Why she cared so much, why she wanted to be close to him, why she needed to be close to him. Why this was so hard. Why it was so hard having him so close and so far away.
She finally had an answer. Why she felt this way, why it was different with him, why it was so much harder to not have him there. Why she felt this ache when she heard him say her name. Why it hurt so much.
Love.
That's why. She finally had an answer.
Love.
She loves Peter. That's why. She still loves him. She still loves him so much.
She starts crying again when she realizes she doesn't know if he still loves her.
AN: based on starmora prompt by tumblr user rebellarke
This will be four chapters long, and I promise it will have a happy ending.