Forgiveness
LHOP inspired fan fiction by Cheryl C. Malandrinos
(Word count 2973)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Little House on the Prairie television series, book series, or any of the characters.
It had been three months since the fire at the blind school, but Albert still struggled with the knowledge of the suffering he had caused. When Clay and he went down to the basement to smoke a pipe that day, they were boys whose youthful curiosity enticed them into mischief. Days later when a charred frame was all that was left of the school and the bodies of Alice Garvey and Adam Charles Holbrook Kendall had been buried; Albert was no longer that immature youth. In his place stood a somber, distraught young man with a conscience full of guilt.
The family never spoke of it. The memories were still too fresh. Once Albert found out what started the fire — a pipe carelessly tossed away — he had fled from his adopted family and Walnut Grove. He tried to find his biological father, Mr. Quinn, stealing his address from the adoption papers. But what he found was a run down, abandoned farm and a simple grave marked A. Quinn.
Charles had found him soon after he discovered Quinn's body and Albert begged to be set free. But they all knew what had happened Pa said, and they wanted him to come home.
So Albert returned to the little house on Plum Creek and like everyone else pretended to move on. But as time passed the burden on his soul became greater. Albert's school work suffered…suffered enough for Miss Wilder to pay a visit to Charles at the mill. Charles had spoken to him about it. He promised his Pa he would try harder, but how could he try harder with Andrew Garvey staring at him all the time.
Andrew was Albert's best friend, but things had been forever changed between them after Andy found out Albert was responsible for his mother's death. Albert felt Andrew's unspoken hatred many times.
He wished someone would talk about the fire — even if they expressed anger towards him — but instead they tip-toed around the subject as if they were walking in a dark root cellar whose floor was covered in mouse traps. Albert's need to talk was small at first, but over time it had grown into a full blown prairie fire that threatened to engulf him.
Albert made his way over to Doctor Baker's office. He thought perhaps he might have some ideas.
"Hello Albert," said Doc Baker when he saw him. "What can I do for you?"
Albert opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn't come. He looked down at his feet to hide the tears.
Doctor Baker walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's the fire, isn't it?" he asked. Albert nodded, still unable to speak.
"No one talks, about it, do they?" Albert shook his head and swatted away his tears.
"They all think the pain will go away if they don't say anything." Albert nodded. "But it never goes away for you, does it Albert?"
He said nothing, didn't even move his head; admitting it was too difficult.
Doc Baker lifted his chin so he could look into Albert's eyes. "Does it?" Albert shook his head, then collapsed against Doc Baker and sobbed.
It was some time before Albert could stop crying. Three months worth of emotions tumbled out, and when the last tear fell Albert almost felt normal again.
"Are you ready to talk?" asked Doc Baker.
"Yes," replied Albert, his voice hoarse.
"You might be the key to helping your family and the Garveys heal from this tragedy Albert."
"What do you mean?"
"No one is ever going to willingly talk about it, but if you ask them to, I'm pretty sure they will."
"I don't understand. If they want to talk then why don't they?"
"Why haven't you brought it up before?" the doctor asked.
"Because…because I'm afraid they all hate me for it."
Doc Baker gave him a kind smile. "It wasn't your fault Albert. It was an accident. You have to accept that if you're ever going to move on."
"But I was smoking the pipe."
"Yes, Clay and you smoking was wrong, but the fire was just an accident. It could have been started by anything. You didn't hurt anyone. All you are guilty of is using bad judgment."
Albert shrugged. "I suppose."
"I know it's hard to let go of the guilt, but you have to. Go to your family and get them to talk about it. Then if you need to, go see the Garveys and talk to them. Ignoring your feelings won't make them go away. And I think you'll be surprised when you find that the only person who blames you for the fire, is you."
"I guess you're right. I'll go talk to them."
Albert headed towards the door.
"I'm here if you need me," said the doctor. Albert nodded and walked out.
Albert moseyed on home. He thought about what he should say. How could he approach them and get them to open up about one of the worst tragedies the town and his family had ever faced.
Charles saw him coming down the hill and waved.
"Hi Pa."
"Hello Son. Did you have a good day at school?"
"It was all right." Albert fiddled with a button on his shirt.
Charles watched him for a moment, anxious over how he had been acting lately. "Something on your mind Son?
"Yeah." Albert looked up to the sky and prayed for the right words. "Do you think we could all sit down and talk after Grace is in bed?"
Charles shrugged his shoulders. "Sure if you want to, but can't you talk to me right now?"
"I would rather wait until we're all together, if that's okay with you Pa."
"That's fine Son. Why don't you go do your chores and then wash up for supper."
"Yes Sir."
The afternoon seemed to drag on, but it was finally time for the Ingalls family to sit down and talk. Albert had taken his seat at the table next to his pa. He looked at Ma, Laura, Carrie and Pa and then down at the table before beginning.
"I don't know how to say this stuff so I'm just going to say what's in my heart." Charles and Caroline leaned in closer, already concerned for him.
"I still feel bad over the fire at the blind school. I kind of hoped we would talk about it but we never say anything about that day. We act like it never happened. Even Mary and Adam don't mention it when I see them. I can't believe they don't remember that day every time they hear my voice."
Charles' and Caroline's eyes were filling with tears. They knew Albert must have been in a great deal of pain to come to them like this.
Albert looked at Charles and then at Caroline. "Pa, Ma I know my school work isn't as good as it used to be, but I just can't concentrate on it. Being in the same room as Andy makes me nervous. I expect him to just lose it and start throwing punches at me one day, telling me how much he hates me."
Laura swallowed hard. She didn't know her brother felt that way about Andy. She glanced over at Carrie who had tears falling down her cheeks.
"I keep hoping the guilt will go away, but it doesn't. Every day I wake up feeling the same way. I hate going to school. I hate being home. I don't know what to do." Albert laid his head down on the table and began to cry.
Charles was sniffling back tears of his own as he leaned over and rubbed Albert's back. He waited until the boy had calmed down before speaking. "I'm glad you came to us Son. I had no idea you felt that way. I should have realized what was wrong before now, but I didn't. I'm sorry."
Albert looked up into his father's face, his eyes still puffy. "You don't have anything to be sorry for Pa."
"Yes I do," admitted Charles. "I've known you haven't been yourself, and when Miss Wilder came to speak to me about your grades I should have pushed you to tell me what was wrong, so we could deal with it together." Charles looked away, embarrassed over what he was going to say next. "But I thought it might have something to do with the fire and…" Charles blinked away the tears, "and I just wasn't ready to remember that day. I'm sorry I was so selfish Albert."
"It was me who was selfish," interrupted Caroline from the other end of the table. "I knew you were struggling Albert. I could see it whenever you were home. There were chances for me to talk to you, try to help you, but I never took them. When Mary and Adam lost their child it brought me back to a time long ago. Baby Freddie was only with us for a short while." Caroline had to stop to wipe away the tears. "Losing him was one of the worst feelings I've ever known. There was always some emptiness inside me. I would wonder where he would have sat at the table for supper; what he would have looked like; what he would have done with his life. There were so many lost opportunities once he died. But I stopped feeling that way when you came to live with us. Not that you were a replacement for him, but you seemed to fill some of the void that Baby Freddie left behind when he went to Heaven. I was afraid to approach you about what you were feeling because I couldn't get through my own pain to help you. Please forgive me." Caroline pulled out a handkerchief to wipe her eyes.
"Oh Ma," is all Albert could manage to say.
"Well I wasn't much better," admitted Laura. She turned to face her brother. "I never blamed you for what happened but I was angry at you for being so foolish. I couldn't imagine what made you decide to smoke that pipe. It wasn't until you ran away that I realized how painful it must have been for you. But even once you came home I couldn't talk to you about it." Laura glanced over at her mother. "I thought of Baby Freddie too, and that's why I should have been the one to talk to you. I wouldn't pray for him when he was sick. He was taking away my Pa and I was angry. When he died, I knew I was to blame. I ran off and prayed, asking God to take me instead. When Pa found me on top of that mountain he begged me to tell him why, and when I did he wondered how I could think that. I didn't know; I just did. It took me a while to feel like no one else blamed me. I'm sorry I didn't come to you before Albert. I should have." Laura reached over and hugged him.
"Well I didn't think I could help," said Carrie. "You and Laura don't spend too much time with me. Miss Wilder asked me about it and I told her she should talk to Pa. I guess that's when she went to go see him. I would have helped if you wanted me to."
Albert smiled. "Thanks Carrie. I'm sorry you feel so left out. Laura and I will try to make more time for you, right Laura." She nodded and Carrie smiled.
"So I guess we've learned a valuable lesson from all this," said Charles. "If something is bothering any one of us, we should talk it out; no matter what it's about or what past feelings it might uncover. We've all sat here suffering for no reason. I'm sure we've all prayed for peace privately, but let's all pray together now as a family."
They bowed their heads and Charles began. "Dear God, we come before you as a family who has experienced a horrible tragedy. We have suffered alone for so long, but we ask that You help us find a way to seek comfort in one another. Bring us the peace only You can give and help us to remember Baby Adam and Alice Garvey with fond memories instead of tears. Amen."
Albert was relieved all his feelings were out in the open, but he knew he had to face the other two families who were affected by the fire — Adam and Mary, and the Garveys. He asked them to go out on a picnic by the lake. He only hoped it went as well as it had with his family a few days earlier.
The ride up to the lake in Jonathan Garvey's wagon was filled with idle chit-chat. While the conversation sometimes stalled, there was enough small talk to make the ride a pleasant one.
Mary set out the food Ma had prepared on a blanket. Albert ate in silence, anxious over the impending conversation.
Albert said a short prayer and began. "I'm glad you came. I'm sorry if I've been mysterious but I didn't want to talk until we were all comfortable."
"What's on your mind Albert?" asked Mr. Garvey
"Well Sir, it's about the fire at the blind school." It seemed even the wild animals fell silent after Albert's declaration. "I don't want to bring up bad memories, but I need your help."
"What's wrong Albert?" asked Mary in a soft voice.
"I've struggled with the guilt of what I've done for a long time and I need to talk about it with all of you." He hung his head down low.
"You don't still blame yourself?" asked Mary. Albert didn't answer.
Mary reached over and placed her hand over his. "I don't remember much of what happened after the fire, except the music box you gave me. When I miss little Adam, I listen to it and I feel close to him. Please don't worry about it anymore Albert. I'm fine." She turned towards her husband and squeezed his hand. "We're fine." Adam nodded.
"Well I'm not fine!" screamed Andrew. "My Ma's gone and I ain't gonna get her back."
"I'm sorry Andy I…"
Andrew stood up and glared at Albert. "You brought us here to make you feel better about what happened. But what about me? Who's gonna make everythin all right for me? Ya know who…no one! Cuz nothin can bring my Ma back."
Jonathan stood up and Andrew collapsed into his father's arms, sobbing. They walked away for a few minutes while Albert looked on in silence. Adam had pulled Mary into an embrace and they waited to hear the Garveys move into the group again.
Andrew and his father came back to the blanket. Whatever Jonathan had said to his son seemed to calm him down. Andy walked over to Albert, his face somber but no longer angry.
"I'm sorry Albert. I shouldn't have said those things."
Albert shrugged. "It's all right."
"No it's not." He paused to find the right words. "I can't be friends right now Albert. Every time I see ya I think about what happened to Ma. I know ya didn't mean to hurt anybody, but it don't make me hurt any less."
Albert nodded to show he understood. He extended his hand to Andy and the boys shook. "I hope we can be friends again one day Andy."
"Me too."
"Ya know how I feel boy," Jonathan said to Albert. "I told ya that day when your Pa and I found ya that I didn't blame ya, and I don't. I sure miss Alice, but it wasn't your fault. Ya gotta believe that boy."
Albert was thankful to hear it again. It saddened him to think he had lost Andy's friendship. He hoped he could work at winning it back some day, when the pain wasn't so fresh in everyone's mind.
The ride back to town was quiet. Everyone thought about the words that had been spoken by the lake. Albert felt he was finally able to start moving beyond his guilt and thought once again about what he could do to repair his friendship with Andy.
"I'll drop ya off at your place first Albert, since it's the closest," said Jonathan.
"No thanks Mr. Garvey. I have to go see Doc Baker so please drop me off in town."
Mary and Adam hugged Albert before he climbed out of the wagon. He knocked on Doc Baker's door and walked in.
"Oh Albert, what a surprise."
"Can I talk to you a minute?"
"Of course," he replied motioning for Albert to sit down.
"You were right. No one blames me, at least not anymore."
"I'm glad you talked to them."
"Andy said he can't be friends right now."
"It will take some time, but as long as you keep talking it will happen." Albert nodded.
"Thanks for everything Doctor Baker."
"I'm glad I could help."
Some months would pass before Albert was able to admit he had a day where the fire at the blind school was not in his thoughts. The road to healing was a long one for everyone. Now aware of the effects this tragedy had on each one of them, they were able to sit down and discuss it without being afraid. One day after school Andrew stopped Albert at the bottom of the schoolhouse steps.
He extended his hand to Albert and said, "I've missed you."
Albert felt his throat tighten up as he blinked back tears. "I've missed you too," he replied as he shook Andy's hand. The two boys walked out of town talking about all the things that had happened since the day at the lake.