The Conspiracy
Hey! You! Naw, I'm over here. By the stuffed manticore. Yes, this stuffed manticore, now look down. And put that wand away, I don't bite.
Yeah, I'm a house-elf. What's it to ya? Did you really think we were meek little servants to cater to your every whim? 'Yes master, of course master, oh please master, don't give the poor little house-elf any clothes.' Yeah, that's the image we try to put out. No one minds a house-elf.
I've got to tell you something. No, really, I need to tell you something very important! Life threatening! Don't you dare throw a spell at me! If you do, you'll never know. And you've got to know!
It's about that Potter kid!
Good. That got your attention. I thought it might. Why don't you pull up a seat. This is a long story. I'm gonna warn you that you won't believe it, though. Yet. Maybe you will when I'm finished. Even if you don't, at least you'll know. People have to know.
See it's all a conspiracy.
What? What'd ya mean, 'what'? Everything! Look, don't ask questions, all right. There's too many to answer.
Any way, like I said, it's a conspiracy. The whole thing. The return of Voldemort and ev—
Jumpy, aren't you. It's not as if the guy can hear me. Ha. He couldn't hear if he was in the room with us. See, Voldemort dead. Has been for the past fourteen years. They all say it was the Potter kid that killed him. I dunno, maybe he had something to do with it, but I think he was just convenient to pin it on. See, the way I heard it, Voldemort just exploded.
Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it? One day you're an invincible dark lord with half the world in your grasp, the next you're plastered all over the scenery.
Naw, I don't know why. I don't think they know either. It could be that his enemies finally got him. Or maybe he poked an ancient magical device in a way that it didn't want to be poked. Anyway, he explodes, kills everyone around him, including half the street. Only one left is Potter. God knows why he wasn't killed with the rest of them. Makes you think maybe he does have some kind of special powers like they're always telling us.
Who's they? The people going around saying Voldemort's back all the time. Dumbledore and Potter, mostly.
Surprise you? They're pretty convincing, all right. It's hard to argue against the most powerful wizard and the Boy who Lived. They've got everyone believing it. Even Potter's friends don't know the actual truth. Dumbledore'd have the whole world believing it except for the fact most people are too scared of what it would mean if Voldemort really was back.
Naw, don't flatter yourself. You never suspected anything of them, you just hated them both.
Alright. See, Voldemort's just a clever excuse for Dumbledore to gain power. That's what this is all about. That's why those two were fighting in the first place, too. Winner take world. Except Dumbledore's smart. He knows that if he tries what Voldemort did, people'll rise up against him faster than you can throw a curse. So he's gathering everyone on his side against the return of the dark lord. After a while, there won't be anyone to stop him.
No, you idiot, haven't you been listening? Voldemort's dead. He doesn't have any followers anymore. Or if he does, they're like the diehard fans of retired Quidditch players. No one could really take them seriously. It's Dumbledore arranging everything so's it looks like the Deatheaters are coming back. It isn't that hard to get an angry mob together and cast a skull over their heads.
Yeah, Potter's mixed up in this, too. See, he found out what Dumbledore was doing in his first year here. Comes from being a nosy little brat. Dumbledore could've killed him—
You're right, it is a pity. Anyway, he didn't because he thought Potter could be useful. After all, the kid's a genius, no matter how much of a superiority complex he has. So now Potter is Dumbledore's best weapon. The Boy who Lived fights against the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. It's really a perfect story. They planned out exactly what Potter would say from the very start. Voldemort's come back with the help of some bumbling teacher. Voldemort's childhood diary's causing mass havoc. One of Voldemort's followers has returned to him.
No, not Sirius. Sirius was on our side. He really was out to kill Potter.
Yes, yes, good for you. You were right about that one. Unfortunately, you're forgetting that he was on our side. And he was caught. You don't want to know what happened to him. He didn't escape from here, that's for sure.
Trust me? Well, why not?
I told you you wouldn't believe me. And all I've got for proof is my own word. See, I've been watching. Every since I got to Hogwarts, I've been watching. We house-elves are good at that. Like I said, we go all subservient and no one even notices we're there. They found me out, though. It was Potter's second year. Remember all the accidents that kept happening to him? That was me. I knew that every year Potter lived, the chance that Dumbledore could be stopped grew less and less. Kill the figurehead and Dumbledore's forced to show his hand.
In short, they caught me. I'm not saying anything about that. It wasn't very pleasant. It helped that they both thought I had the intelligence of a grapefruit. I wasn't enough of a threat for them to actually kill me. The official story is that Potter rescued me from some cruel wizarding family or other who beat me to sleep with a spoon. Or something. So they kindly gave me a job here at Hogwarts. Oh, and clothes, they gave me clothes. Which explains the socks and dippy tea cozies I'm wearing. In reality, I've always worked here. It's just that now they keep a much closer eye on me.
Don't worry. We're safe right now. No one can keep an eye on a house-elf all the time.
There's nothing you can do. Not alone, at any rate. And I wouldn't be much help. I'm only a house-elf. But you know what's going on, now. That's a start. And there are others out there. I can't tell you who most of them are, but I can say that almost all the house-elves know about it. They aren't all sided against Dumbledore, though, so be careful about what you say, even when you're alone.
Naw, I can't tell you that. If you knew whether he was or not, you'd tell Dumbledore in a second if he ever got a hold of you. That's the first rule of a secret rebellion. Never let a member know too much in case he's captured by the enemy. That way, at least a part of the rebellion is safe.
Well, yeah. Yeah, I know everyone who's against Dumbledore. Well, I know everyone in this school who's against him. And a lot of them elsewhere. I guess there could be others. By themselves. But Dumbledore's too good an actor for many people to catch on by themselves. I'd believe him if I hadn't heard otherwise with my own ears. That's why it's dangerous for everyone if I'm found out. I know too much. Hell, sometimes I wish I could split myself into three or four Dobbys. Keep some information from myself. Make sure the rebellion goes on...
I'm glad you do. I figured you'd believe me in the end. That's why I risked telling you. If they ever find out, I'm dead. Worse. You too. Hell, everyone.
Well then, keep a low profile if you don't want them to find out. Certainly don't let on you know anything. Just keep on like you've always done. Whatever you do, don't leave Hogwarts. It's true what everyone says: Hogwarts is the safest place you can be. Not because of Voldemort, not exactly. See, Dumbledore has to give the impression that the dark lord is running around loose now. But he wants everyone to know that he's not afraid of Voldemort, that it's Voldemort that's afraid of him. So the last thing he wants to do is cause a fuss here at home, so to speak. He won't do anything to you unless he's sure that he can blame it on something else.
Yeah, don't go near any high towers, the winds up there are terrible. Blow a person right off. But keep making things difficult for Potter. You've always done that anyway. And see if you can't make sure he accidentally gets hurt somewhere. Killed would be better.
Ha! That's perfect! Are you sure you could do that? That's powerful magic you'd be fooling.
That's the best news I've heard since Sirius escaped. If Potter died in the Tournament...well, it wouldn't surprise many people, would it? After all, those are meant for advanced students, not fourth years. I think I can make sure he doesn't pass the tests. I've still got a few tricks.
Yeah, sure, thanks. Look, I should be going. If I'm not back down to the kitchens soon, I'll be missed. If you ever need to talk with me, just wander around down there. I'll find you.
Welcome to the rebellion, Snape.