Boot to the Head (aka You've been Loki'd)
By NukaCola101
DISCLAIMER: All characters are copyrighted by Disney/Marvel. I own nothing. I also don't own the rights to the "Last Will of the Temperament" skit by the comedy group The Frantics.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was re-watching the Phoenix Wright version of the skit and was inspired. I consider this a pure crack fic and you should too. Read and Review!
It was odd that they were sitting at the table here in Asgard. Normally, the Avengers would be back on Earth, but they had an urgent request from Thor to come to his world. As for the nature of the request, Thor mentioned it had to deal with Loki. So they all went and were seated at a grand, long table in the dining room the Asgardians would normally hold for celebratory feasts. Steve sat at the head of the table with a pile of papers. He was going over them, his face displaying a muddled curiosity. To Steve's right was Tony sipping from a German-style stein full of Asgardian mead. To the left of the solider were Thor and his girlfriend Jane Foster. Next to Tony sat Natasha, who was sitting across from Clint.
"So what's your brother up to now?" Tony asked Thor.
"I do believe my brother has drawn up some sort of list to divide his assets among us."
"But I though he wasn't dead. He's sitting in prison." Clint said.
"That is true, but he was adamant about this request and I, being the ever-loving brother, must ahead by it." Thor explained. "I do love him so." He grew somber and was about to cry. Jane shot a disapproving glare to which the warrior regained his composure.
"I don't know…something's rotten in Denmark." Natasha said, crossing her arms over her chest in discontentment.
"That may be, but we must follow through with it." Steve said. "As to why Loki chose me to be the executor, I have no idea." Steve then began to read from the document.
"I, Loki Laufeyson, being of sound mind, have gathered you all here today to divide my property among you while I sit in prison for my crimes. To my overzealous brother Thor and his girlfriend Jane Foster."
"Oh brother, you do care about me!" Thor cried, letting a few tears escape due to being overcome with joy.
"Thor, relax." Jane scolded, to which her boyfriend did.
"You may be a thuggish brute and have the brain the size of a pea, you and your lover has proven that the both of you are truly meant for one another. Thus, I give you…a boot to the head."
"A what?!" both Thor and Jane gasped.
Steve then threw a pair of Loki's boots directly at them. The shoes smacked against their heads and Thor and Jane let out grunts of pain.
"Brother, why?!" Thor exclaimed. "That idiot!" Jane shouted.
"But, you both do deserve something for your impending marriage."
"Ah Loki, you do live up to your title as the God of Mischief." Thor mussed, seeing how the first "gift" was a joke.
"So, for the wedding, Thor and Jane will receive…another boot to the head." Steve once again threw boots at the couple.
"Ouch!" Jane said. "This is an outrage!" Thor yelled.
"That takes care of family obligations. Next is Tony Stark, the man who is constantly in search for a good drink."
"Hey, I don't want a boot to the head!" Tony said to Steve. He then proceeded to cover his head and protect his drink.
"You may have offered me a drink during that attack on Midgard and I wish I've taken it. So, to correct this, I am leaving you three barrels of my finest mead."
"Sweet!" Tony was relieved and relaxed his posture.
"And a boot to the head." Steve then chucked a boot at Tony. The billionaire let out a pained, stifled moan.
"That asshole! I knew it was too good to be true!"
"And another for Jane and the oaf." Steve repeated the boot throwing on Thor and Jane.
"Now for Natasha Romanoff. While our brief encounter on Midgard was, shall we say, enlightening."
"Loki's got the hots for Nat! Ewww…" Clint shuddered. Natasha only scowled.
"You have proven that you are just as cunning as I. Thus, I leave for you-"
"This is so predictable." The spy said nonchalantly.
"A boot to the head." Steve threw the boot to Natasha, who caught it with ease. "And one for Jane and the oaf." Steve, and surprisingly Natasha, both tossed boots at the couple. Steve looked at the Russian, who had a smirk on her face. "No offense Jane, but your boyfriend can be a bit daft sometimes." Natasha told her. Jane gave the spy a hurt look.
"Uh, OK. Clint, you're up." Steve said as he cleared his throat before continuing.
"I, uh…I don't want nothing." The archer nervously said.
"Clint Barton," Steve read. "You have served me well when I manipulated you into becoming my servant when I tried to take over Midgard. You have proven yourself to be competent, loyal and worthy."
"Loki really thought I was useful? I'm touched." Clint said, glad to have not been the butt of many "useless member" jokes the Avengers often made about him.
"To Mr. Barton, I bequeath—a boot to the head!" A boot then sailed toward Clint and smacked against his skull. Clint cried in pain.
"One more for Jane and the oaf." Two more boots flung and landed on the woman and Asgardian.
"To my eight-legged horse Sleipnir, I leave my entire vast—boot to the head." Steve then performed a baseball-style pitch of a large boot to the creature as everyone at the table watched. The boot hit the horse and it let out an unearthly whinny of distress as the group looked on with wide, shocked expressions.
"Finally, to Steve Rodgers, who has graciously acted as my executor. I leave not a boot to the head, but a…" Steve gulped in fear when he silently read his reward. He sighed and then continued.
"A rabid Tasmanian Devil to be placed in his trousers." A servant appeared with the angry animal in a cage. Steve looked at it with horror.
He excused himself as Steve went into an enclosed changing room and obliged. Although the curtain was closed, the group could hear Steve's cries of misery very well.
"OK, now I'm glad I got a boot to the head." Tony quipped as Steve emerged from the room. He winced as he slowly walked back to his seat. He gingerly sat down while trying not to cause anymore unnecessary pain from his injuries.
"What is wrong with your brother?!" Jane snapped at Thor. The god was rubbing his head to try and dull the pain away.
"Are you alright, Lady Jane? Have your injuries caused you distress?"
"No shit they have!" Jane replied. "I swear, the next time I see Loki, I'm going to more than slap that pretty little face of his…"
"Count me in!" Tony agreed. "Me too!" added Clint.
"Yes, we all want to exact revenge on Loki, but there is more." Steve told the group as he looked over the paperwork once more.
"Cover your heads, everyone." Natasha warned.
"I leave everyone a life time supply of ice cream." The hero read from the document. Everyone at the table was stunned.
"Ice cream?!" Thor and Jane said.
"Ice cream, that's all?" Tony inquired.
"But what flavor is it?" Clint pondered.
"Boot to the head!" Steve bellowed.
A multitude of shoes rained down on everyone. Soon Thor, Jane, Tony, Natasha and Clint lay on the floor, dazed and suffering from headaches due to having boots being pummeled on them. Steve then uncharacteristically sauntered over to the defeated heroes. Letting a clever grin appear on his face, the spell wore off and Loki himself appeared.
"Well, well. It appears I've bested the lot of you. While the five of you recover, I shall take my leave. I bid you all a fond farewell…till we meet again."
With a turn of his heel, Loki calmly walked out of the dining hall, all with a satisfied grin on his face and humming a joyous tune. It had been not even a few minutes after the god left then the real Steve Rodgers came into the dining hall.
"I swear I always get lost whenever I arrive in Asgard." The solider said. He then saw his team mates on the ground dazed and recovering from their injuries.
"What happened?!" Steve exclaimed as he looked around.
Tony raised his head slightly at Steve. "We've been Loki'd." he said and let his head rest on the ground once more, leaving Steve confused about the situation.