Thirteen
She could still hear the screams when all else was silent. She could still see the blood when her eyes were closed. She could still feel the fear in every waking moment.
If she had only been braver...
But that's what these people were trying to teach her, weren't they? To be brave? And yet, she couldn't even pretend to be brave.
She was a coward.
The days were long; the training taxing. Every day was more or less the same- wake up, eat, be pushed around, repeat. How long could she last like this?
Fourteen
She was starting to forget what they looked like.
Of course, they still haunted her dreams, but their faces were distorted- melting.
She didn't want to train. She didn't want to learn to use her power. How could she?
Fifteen
She had never thought it possible to forget the sounds of their voices, their laughter. She couldn't remember the color of their eyes. Had they matched hers?
Three years. Three years of non-stop training. And yet...
Not a step in either direction. You couldn't say she was getting worse- she was becoming a strong warrior now. But she definitely wasn't getting any closer to controlling the power, the danger.
How much longer would they care?
Sixteen
They gave her a week off. Aelin said it was their "girl's week." She kicked Rowan out of the palace. All she could remember of that week was the sugar highs Aelin got from all the chocolate, and how useless she felt without something to do.
She was a coward.
But she could tell they were losing faith in her. She didn't know if she could shift anymore, whether she wanted to or not.
Maybe it was for the best. She hadn't shifted since...
Had it only been four years?
Seventeen
She could see the worry in their eyes growing. What would happen if she just didn't shift ever again? Would she still Settle? She didn't deserve to.
She almost didn't want to.
Why should the world be stuck with her when she had robbed it of three wonderful people? People who could have made a difference?
She was a coward.
The fear was a welcome friend. She honed it, using it to become a better fighter. If she couldn't shift, she would fight.
Aelin said she was on her way to being as good as Adarlan's Assassin once was. It made her feel... Important.
But she didn't want to be great. Because then people would know her name.
And why should they?
Eighteen
She thought they were going to kick her out. They should have- she was eighteen now. Not a helpless little kid anymore. But they didn't.
Aelin almost walloped her when she had been about to leave, not wanting to wait for the get-out. Rowan had.
She vowed she wouldn't leave until she was able to get him back.
No matter how long it took.
They barely asked her to shift anymore. Maybe they had finally given up hope. But Aelin offered her a spot on her court- Aedion said she could be his second in the army.
That was the year she swore to herself to make her family proud. To make them forget. To make up for what she had done.
She had to remind herself of their names every night, lest she forget those, too. She counted the names in the stars every night.
Were they apart of those stars now?
Nineteen
She felt... different this year. Perhaps she was going to Settle. She prayed to every God she could think of that she wouldn't.
In her first week in Aedion's troops, she managed to blend into the background. No one really seemed to care about the little girl who they had ignored for the last seven years.
Seven years.
Seven years of extensive training. Seven years with Aelin and Rowan. She looked up to them, more than she had anyone else.
Seven years since...
She didn't count their names in the stars anymore. She had a feeling they wouldn't want her to.
Would she forget their names now, too?
Twenty
She broke her hip in a battle. Rowan tried to use it to get her to shift, but she refused. She didn't care how much longer it took to heal. Besides, she knew Aelin would cave. (Aelin did cave; she brought in Yrene within the month to heal it.)
She liked Yrene. And her husband, Chaol. They had a small son, who's name she couldn't recall, who had been a little kid riot. He had managed to break Aelin's formal dining table in the time he was there. (She gave him a piece of chocolate and told him to come back when he was older. Aedion looked like the recruiter he was.)
She knew now that if she hadn't already Settled, she was well on her way to it. She could feel it in the way her blood shifted and flowed differently. Felt it in the new-found strength and grace of her body. She cursed the Gods and their rotten sense of justice.
Why hadn't they listened?
Twenty-one
They started her training back up full-scale. This time, she didn't know what she wanted.
Her blood sang to be in the powerful body of the Fae woman she was supposed to be. Her magic screamed to be used.
She would not allow it.
No matter how strongly it called...
She couldn't anyways, thank the Wyrd. The devastation she could cause...
She had forgotten how to shift. How to pull forth the magic. Hell, she had even forgotten what the magic was. Perhaps the Gods did watch over her.
Rowan talked a lot about an old friend that was coming. Mostly to say he was going to kick his ass, but what else is new? He never really talked about anyone outside of the people I knew, but I had heard stories of his old cadre. (From Aelin, as bedtime stories. Sometimes those alone gave me nightmares as a child.)
They adopted the old training schedule. Little breaks in between, but trying tasks for almost every waking moment. She dropped into bed each night like a stone.
How much longer until they lost faith again? Would it be lost forever this time?
She didn't know what she wanted the answer to that to be.