A/N v.2: So, this was put up while I was writing Family Feud. This is basically a rewrite of Snow White, but with Death Note characters instead. This was a style I wanted to try, where I'm basically the narrator and the characters keep interrupting me. The bold bits are the characters, and the italics are the byplay between the Queen and the mirror. It's a really bad story, sorry, but I don't like taking things down from my account, so it's here to stay. Reviews are awesome, even if you find this 20 years down the road. Happy reading! :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. That right belongs to Ohba and Obata. I also don't own Snow White. That right belongs to Disney, I guess...
A Death Note Fairytale
Amane Misa was mourning the death of her father. With his death, she no longer had any family. Well, unless you counted her evil stepmother, the Queen.
Queen Takada forced Misa to do all the unpleasant chores in the palace. She forced Misa to scrub the floors, clean the rooms, empty the privies, and all manner of vile things. Though Misa hated it, she did not have the courage to stand up to Queen Takada.
Misa: Hey! I am too courageous!
Me: SHUT UP!
Misa: I'll leave you alone now.
One day, when Misa was all grown up, Queen Takada asked her mirror,
Mirror mirror, on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?
The mirror replied,
Though eye candy you are a piece of,
The fairest must be Misa-Misa.
L: Are you sure the mirror wasn't lying?
Misa: Hey!
Me: Both of you, stop it. Whether the mirror lied or not isn't the point. The fact is, it said Misa was prettier than the Queen.
L: So you are saying the mirror could have been lying?
Me: *ignores L*
Queen Takada screeched. "What? How is that brat fairer than I? She must die!"
Takada: I do not screech.
Me: *explodes* Everybody shut up or I will go all Kira on you!
Everyone: *backs away*
So the Queen sent Misa to the forest to gather some firewood. Although it was the middle of summer, Misa was too ditzy to notice.
Misa: Hey! Misa-Misa isn't stupid!
Me: *writes Misa's name in her Death Note*
Queen Takada also sent her hunter, Teru Mikami, to kill her. "Bring back her heart as proof that she is dead!" the Queen demanded. But when Mikami entered the forest, he found he couldn't kill the blonde out of good conscience, and so cut out the heart of a pig instead to present to the Queen.
Misa-Misa had somehow gotten lost in the middle of the woods. As she wandered, she came across a small cottage. She quietly knocked on the door, and when it swung open, she quickly ran inside. Because she was tired, she fell upon several small beds and was asleep in minutes.
Now, the cottage belonged to seven dwarves: Soichiro, Aizawa, Ide, Ukita, Mogi, Matsuda, and Aiber.
Matsuda: Sweet! Misa-Misa is leeping in my house!
Me: *forgives Matusda because he's stupid and adorable like that*
Misa: Hey! How come you didn't write his name down! Take mine out, too!
Me: Sorry, you know how it works. You're going to die, no matter what.
Misa: That's true. I do know how it works.
L: Aha! You admit you are Kira! *arrests Misa*
Me: Sorry, L. I need her a little longer. *frees Misa*
When the dwarves entered the house, they found Misa asleep on their beds. They knew that Misa was an idiot, so they let her stay out of pity. So Misa spent two years in the little dwarf cottage.
Sometime later, the Queen asked her mirror,
Mirror mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
The mirror replied,
You must be stubborn as a wall,
For Misa is still fairest of them all!
"What?" roared the Queen. "Show me the brat Misa!" And so the mirror showed the Queen the dwarf cottage. Once the Queen knew where Misa was, she came up with a plan. She dramatically stormed to her basement and slammed open the door. She cackled maniacally. "Poison!" she yelled. "Poison is the key!" She dipped a comb into her bubbling cauldron, then cast a spell on herself to become a beautiful maiden.
Takada: What, I'm not beautiful enough already?
Me: Um… *discreetly writes Takada's name in her Death Note*
Misa was sleeping when she heard a knock. "Go away!" she yelled. "You're disturbing my beauty sleep!" But the knocker was insistent, and eventually Misa got up and opened the door. When she did, she saw a young girl not much older than herself with a basket of beauty products and other accessories.
"I'm selling these beauty products and accessories," the girl said unnecessarily. "Would you like to buy some?"
Misa squealed. "Ooh! Yes, I would love to buy something! What do you think? This one or this one?" she said, holding two different products up.
The girl, who was really Queen Takada in decided, pretended to think for a it, before pulling out the poisoned comb. "I think… this one!"
Misa squealed again, but then her face fell. "I don't have any money," she said sadly.
"Don't worry, you can have this for free. It looks so good on you, it'd be a shame for you not to have it," the Queen replied.
"Misa-Misa is forever grateful!" Misa said, then ran inside to try it.
The Queen smiled evilly. Misa had taken the bait. She quickly disappeared.
Alas, when Misa used the comb, the poison immediately soaked through and knocked her unconscious. Luckily, the dwarves came back just as she fell and were able to dislodge the comb. In an hour, once the toxins were out of her system, Misa was up and about. After warning her not to trust any strangers, the dwarves set about making dinner.
Meanwhile, the Queen was asking her mirror,
Mirror mirror, on the wall, Who is the fairest of them all?
By now, the mirror, whose name was Matt, was getting tired of this nonsense.[1] So he responded, "Look woman, cut the crap. Misa's still prettier than you will ever be."
The Queen screeched again.
Takada: What did I say about screeching?
Me: Fine. *edits*
The Queen huffed indignantly.
Me: Happy now?
Takada: *eyes correction critically* I suppose.
The Queen huffed indignantly. She ran to her basement again. "Hm," she mused, "What would appeal to that ditzy blonde? Definitely not a corset; she tries to wear as few clothes as possible anyways. How about more poison? Oh, I know! A poisoned apple!" So she set about preparing the poisoned apple.
Takada: Why don't I just have Mikami write her name in his Death Note and be done with it?
Mikami: Because I'm not your slave. And shut up, you'll let L know I'm Kira!
Me: Well, that, too. But mainly because there's no Death Note in this story. Except for mine.
L: *springs out of nowhere and arrests Mikami* I can have him, right?
Me: Yeah.
L: *turns to me* You know, you're under arrest, too. Since you have a Death Note.
Me: *threateningly lowers pen to Death Note* I know your full name, L. I can kill you whenever I want to. Don't even think about it.
L: *backs away* Fine. We can pretend this never happened.
A month or so later, Misa heard another knock at the door. "Go away!" she yelled. "I'm doing my nails!"
The Queen paused to wonder how Misa had gotten the nail polish, but then shook herself and knocked again. A few minutes later, Misa peeked out of the window and said, "I don't know you. The dwarves told me not to let in anybody I didn't know. Sorry."
"Oh, but you do know me," said the Queen, who had disguised herself as a hag. "You just don't know it." Misa tried to place the old woman, but the effort was too much for her few brain cells, so she gave up after a few seconds. "Okay!" she chirped, then opened the door.
"Now, my dear, would you like to do an old crone a favor and buy an apple?" the Queen asked.
"Yeah!" Misa said, and pulled out the poisoned comb. "I don't have any money, but I can give you this gorgeous comb in exchange!"
L: Wow, Misa, 'gorgeous' is a big word. Congratulations, your vocabulary is really improving.
Misa: Thanks, I think…
So Misa got her apple, and the Queen got her poisoned comb back. As the Queen was leaving, Misa thought, 'Wow, I'm hungry.' So she took a giant bite of the apple. The bite lodged in the back of her throat when she forgot to chew, and she passed out. The dwarves walked in a few minutes later and found her on the floor. This time, though, they couldn't find anything wrong, and so prepared for her funeral.
The next day, Prince Light was riding through the woods. He came upon a glass casket and peeked in to see a blonde maiden inside. 'Eh, she's ugly. Probably stupid, too,' he thought, and rode on to meet his lover, L.
And so, Misa died.
The dwarves, mad because someone had killed their pet, realized it was the Queen who had poisoned Misa. They gathered all the animals of the woods and charged the castle. After a short battle, Queen Takada was gored by a bull. Mission accomplished, the dwarves returned to their cottage and lived happily ever after.
With the Queen's death, Matt was also freed from his spell, and turned back into the human he was. He immediately ran to his own lover, Mello.
And although the kingdom was left with no ruler, things turned out okay in the end. And after all, all's well that ends well.
Misa: Hey! Light, I thought you loved me!
Me: Shut up, Misa. You're dead. I told you you would die, and you did, so don't complain.
L: Besides, Light loves only me. Isn't that right, Light?
Light: *nods happily*
Takada: Why did I die? You didn't write my name down!
Me: Yes, I did. Go back to your second interruption. *to audience* Well, I hope you enjoyed this production of 'A Death Note Fairytale!' *bows*
FIN