A/N: Last re-upload from me =)
Rachel stood nervously in front of his house and rang the doorbell. He wasn't going to like it, she knew. He was probably going to think it was a really bad idea. She thought about doing it alone and going by herself. But when she puts herself in the scenario, she really feels that she would need his support. She might just break down, and she wanted him to be there for her. Plus, maybe he would be upset with her if she didn't tell and he found out. She heard footsteps leading up to the door before it swung open revealing the annoyed, sleepy face of one Kurt Hummel.
"Oh for the love of God," he groaned when he saw her. "What are you doing at the place I live?" She frowned.
"I'm looking for Finn," she answered shortly, not bothering with the niceties. The boy's contempt for her always left her feeling a little inedaquate. And a little victimized.
"It's eight a.m. On a Saturday miss Berry. Did you really think he was going to be up at this early in the morning?" Kurt asked as he yawned. She felt her spirits deflating. He had a point. Maybe it was a sign she shouldn't tell Finn. From behind Kurt, she saw his mother walking down the stairs in a bathrobe. Carole smiled as she saw Rachel.
"Kurt honey what are you doing talking to Rachel by the door? Invite her in!" Kurt rolled his eyes and stepped aside. He made a great show of bowing and ushering her in.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my basement to continue my morning ritual. Your unholy ringing has messed with my masking schedule." She felt apologetic as the small boy stalked down the stairs in a huff. She hated it when people messed up her schedule too. She stood awkwardly by the door, not knowing what to do as Burt Hummel walked down the stairs, bleary-eyed. He stopped short when he saw her, a confused look on his face.
"Who are you?" Rachel pasted a bright smile on her face and waved.
"Hi! Good morning Mr Hummel. My name is Rachel Berry and I'm Finn's girlfriend," she answered with a wide smile.
"Oh yeah. Ok. Does Finn know you're here? I didn't know the boy wakes up before noon on weekends."
"Actually, I was hoping I would be able to wake him up this morning. This is a spontaneous visit as I need to have discussion with him on a pertinent subject matter. I hope you don't mind. I didn't mean to intrude on your morning rituals," she ended apologetically, remembering Kurt. Burt stared at her in bewilderment before shaking his head.
"You're using too much words for this early in the morning little lady. Go on upstairs if you want to try and wake him. Good luck with that." He smiled at her before heading off towards the kitchen.
"Thank you very much! Have a good breakfast!" When she was alone, Rachel took a deep breath and took a step on the stairs. And then another. Slowly, she walked until she reached the top of the banister. This was the first time she had been to his house and it was making her nervous. She knew which room was his because there were only three doors and one was a bathroom while the other was open. Rachel knocked gently on the wood. When there was no answer, she tried the doorknob to find the door unlocked.
Slowly, she pushed it open. The room was dark, a line of sunlight escaping from a small gap between his curtains. She could hear his gentle snores and smiled to find him sprawled on the bed, his limbs everywhere. She closed the door behind her and walked over to his window to throw back the curtains. She heard him grunt incoherently before he slung his right arm over his eyes to protect them from the sudden brightness of the room.
"Finn," she said gently as she crouched down next to his bed. He made no move to acknowledge her presence. She pushed at his elbow gently at first. Then a little harder. "Finn wake up," she hissed.
"No school," he garbled incoherently, as he turned his body to face the wall. She sighed. This was going to be harder than she thought.
"Finn please wake up. I really need to talk to you," she pleaded as she pushed insistently against his side. He groaned and moved further towards the wall.
"Don't wanna," he grumbled, his eyes shut tight and his expression annoyed. She was about to cry. Standing up, she threw all of her weight into it as she jumped onto him. He woke up with a start and she almost fell off the bed. "I'm up, I'm up!" he exclaimed, disoriented and bleary eyed. "Rachel?" She realized she was straddling him and moved away, blushing.
"Good morning."
"What are you doing here? What time is it?"
"It's nine. And I came to see you."
"In the morning?" he groaned. "It's too early." He made a move to lie back down but she grabbed his hand insistently.
"Please, I need to talk to you."
"Can't this wait until later? Like maybe one or something?"
"I got excited," she mumbled apologetically. Why couldn't she wait a few hours? It wasn't like it was happening that very day. But she thought she could burst if she didn't ask him as soon as possible. Finn sighed as he sat up and leaned against the wall.
"Fine. Just let me go brush my teeth or whatever."
"Okay." She caught him muttering under his breath as he walked out the door, but the only words she could hear were "weekend" and "unholy". She frowned. He really needed to fix his sleeping habits if he wanted to ensure a healthy lifestyle. But she was digressing. While he was away, she took in the rest of his room. Almost everything were still in boxes. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. He moved in almost a month ago. He really should have everything in place by now. One corner of his room was stacked with video games and a small television.
She smiled when she saw her calender tacked neatly on the board in front of his desk. She can't believe he still kept it. She remembered the look on his face when she showed it to him. Pure horror wouldn't do the expression justice. She admitted at going a little crazy with them. But he had been pushing her away, always lying to her about where he was or what his plans were. She knew he was lying because she caught him once at the mall, sitting on a bench and staring dejectedly into the fountain in front of him. They were supposed to watch a movie and he told her he needed to help his mom with housework. Rachel had been desperate. And she read about it once in a magazine that his and hers calenders could help bring couples closer together. Obviously, the magazine lied. It only pushed him away further. She reminded herself that it was all in the past now. So much has happened since then, and they were happy. Finally happy. Rachel nodded her head and smiled as she waited for Finn to return.
"So what is it?" he asked as he walked into the room and took a seat next to her on the bed. She played with his bedspread, tracing the blue stripes with her finger. "Rach?" he asked after a while.
"I wanted to ask if you would be willing to accompany me somewhere," she said, still not looking up.
"Where?"
"Planned Parenthood." He scrambled off the bed and fell onto the floor.
"What?" he sputtered, looking up at her like a fish out of water.
"I'm kidding!" He glared at her from his position on the ground.
"That is not funny Rachel. You almost gave me a heart attack."
"I know. I'm very sorry. I don't know why I said that," she said apologetically, pulling his arm to help him up.
"If you woke me up to tell me stupid jokes like this I'm going back to sleep." He sat back next to her on the bed. They were both leaning against the wall and she didn't let go of his hand.
"No . I truly have something I wanted to say." Nervously, she squeezed his hand. He squeezed back as his thumb slowly stroked her knuckle.
"What?"
"Did you know Beth is moving to New York?" she asked slowly.
"Yeah Puck told me about that. He was kind of bummed about it. He keeps fighting with Quinn and calling me when he's drunk of his ass. It really sucks for him right now."
"Oh."
"Is that what you wanted to talk about?"
"I wanted to ask you something."
"What?"
"They're leaving on Monday." She didn't continue, unsure exactly what it was that was overwhelming her and making her chest throb so painfully.
"I know."
"Would you accompany me if I went to see her before she leaves? Tomorrow?" Finn sighed, his grip on her hand tightening.
"Rachel. I don't know if that's a good idea," he answered slowly.
"I'm not expecting anything," she said quietly, staring at the couple's calender she made for him. "I just want to say goodbye. I have something I want to give her before she leaves." When he said nothing, she laxed her grip and pulled away gently. "It's okay if you don't want to. I can go by myself. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?" She felt her heart drop in disappoinment. Rachel forced herself to smile.
"Yes. I'll see you after that."
"No. Rachel of course I'll go. I meant are you sure about this? You really think it's a good idea?"
"Yes. No. I don't know." They were both quiet as she continued to look at the calender and he turned to look at her profile. Superimposing both their faces on cats was definitely not one of her finest moments. Finn sighed, running his free hand across his scalp.
"Okay."
"You sure?"
"No. But if you want to I'll be there"
"Thanks Finn," she said, finally looking up at him and smiling.
"Whatever. Just so you know, I don't like that woman."
"Noted." They smiled quietly at each other. She was so glad they were finally together. Sometimes, it felt like every bad thing that ever happened to her in the past few months were all supposed to lead her to this. Being together with him. It made her regrets feel more bearable. Finn stood up abruptly and startled her. She looked up to find him grinning down at her as he held out his hand.
"So I smell pancakes. What do you say? My mom makes the best chocolate chip pancakes ever."
"I'm in," she replied, grinning widely as she let him pull her up.
xxx
She arrived at his compound five minutes before she was supposed to. He was already waiting outside, his hands in his pockets. The sight of him relieved her and the nerves in her stoamch dissipated. She waved at him as he walked towards her car. She got out and stood by the open door.
"Is it okay if you drive?" she asked. "I'm too nervous." He gave her a reassuring smile and kissed her temple.
"No problem."
"Thanks." She walked over to the passenger side and opened the door. The old shoebox was sitting primly on the car seat. She picked it up and placed it on her lap, gripping it tightly. She felt her heart thumping against her chest as she imagined handing it over to her mother. They had already left the driveway and was driving slowly down the road. He was such a careful driver. He always abide by the rules and never missed a stop sign. She loves that about him. On the radio, the soundtrack to Les Miserables was playing. I Dreamed a Dream made its way into her ears and he was yawning loudly, probably bored by the tune. She wondered if maybe she was just a little masochistic. Maybe the years of verbal abuse and torment by her peers have left her with the need to humiliate herself further. In her heart, she knew the probability of this ending well was slim to none.
"What's with the box?" Finn asked, his eyes on the road.
"Something for Shelby." Maybe the woman would appreciate her letters. She used to write them with the hope that if her mother knew about them, she would search high and low for her. It wasn't like she wanted to be taken away or anything. She loves her fathers more than anything. But she was always curious. She always wanted to know. And she figured in some way, she owed her mother for a sliver of her sanity. Without those letters, maybe she would have gone off the deep end by the time she reached high school. Those letters kept her sane. The thought of her mother kept her grounded when she was at her worst. Her grip on the box tightened even further. He must have noticed because his hand were suddenly on hers, taking it and gripping it tight. His touch comforted her and her hold on the box relaxed slightly.
But that mother wasn't real. Wasn't Shelby. The mother she had envisioned wanted to know her, loved her even. The mother in her head would reply her letters telling Rachel she loves her and thought about her all the time. She would say that everybody was just jealous because they didn't have what she had. They didn't have her talent or her drive. They didn't have her fathers, who would go to the ends of the earth just as long as she was happy. But that mother didn't exist.
"We're here." He had parked on the other side of the road, two houses away. She felt like they were stalkers. Rachel frowned. She just wanted Shelby to know how much she meant to her. Or at least, the idea of Shelby. Now she wasn't sure. What was she doing here? She was going to give away her letters. To this woman who was her mother. But she wasn't her mom. Shelby said so herself. Would she even care? Rachel looked down at the box in her hands. There were one hundred letters in there. All addressed to her mother. The mother that never existed.
"Rachel?" His voice brought her back to where they were, in her car, near Shelby's house. He was looking at her in concern. Maybe he thought she was going crazy. Maybe she was. "What are you going to do?" It was a loaded question. She thought she knew the answer. Rachel was going to walk up the steps to her house, ring the doorbell, push the box into the woman's arms and say her final goodbye. Her wish was that when she saw the letters, Shelby would want to see her. That she would realize that there was still time to know each other, there was still time to make it work. But was that what she really wanted? Was that what Shelby wanted?
The door she was staring at suddenly swung open and she could see her. The woman she wants so badly to call mom, walking towards her car, her new daughter in her arms. She was smiling as she strapped the child in the baby seat. She looked happy. She didn't look like a woman who had any regrets. She didn't look like a woman who wanted to have anything to do with the daughter she left behind. Suddenly, Rachel understood perfectly. She was in the past. History. She was probably a memory that Shelby wished to discard. Now that she had her new start, Rachel was going to be just a distant memory. She had got what she wanted. A daughter. And that daughter wasn't Rachel.
"Let's go," she whispered softly. She hugged the box tightly against her chest. Shelby shouldn't have her letters. She didn't deserve to know Rachel at her worse. Not when she didn't even bother to know her at her best. Finn stared at her, frowning.
"You want to leave?" he asked skeptically. She nodded.
"This isn't right. I shouldn't be here." He placed a hand under her chin and forced her to look at him.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes." Her eyes bore into his unwaveringly. He shook his head, a small smile playing at his lips.
"Okay. Let's go." He started the engine and her grip on the shoebox laxed a little. As they drove past Shelby's house, she saw her mother look up. The woman stared at them with recognition dawning on her face. Rachel looked away. They drove past her.
"It's a good thing," he said as they reached the end of the street. He took the left turn that would lead them home.
"What is?"
"This. This is a good thing. You don't need her disappointing you anymore. I really don't like her." His nose was scrunched up in distaste and she grinned. She took his hand that was resting on the gear shift in both of hers and rested it on her lap, the shoebox now placed carefully on the floor by her feet. They were quiet the whole drive home. She ejected the CD playing Les Miserables and turned on the radio instead. Classic rock, his favorite. As she listened to him humming along to Deff Leppard, she thought about her letters.
She had written them when she felt everything around her was bringing her down, when she was close to the breaking point. It was meant for someone who would understand. Someone who would know everything about her, even the parts she hated, and would still love her and wouldn't turn her away. She used to think that person could be her mother. Maybe she wasn't being fair to Shelby for having that much expectations. Anyone would feel burdened. But Shelby left before she even knew about them. She never wanted them in the first place.
Maybe, Rachel thought, it was because they belonged to someone else. Someone who loves her, even after knowing almost everything about her. Someone who has seen her at her worst. She turned to him, taking in his profile. He was singing at the top of his lungs by now, his head bobbing along to the music. His fingers were tapping silently on the steering wheel and the hand she held was already drumming against her palm.
"You're beautiful." The words came out of nowhere. It just slipped through her mouth. They were at a stop sign and he turned to her, smiling in bemusement.
"Did you just say I was beautiful?" he asked, confused. She smiled.
"Baby you don't tell a guy he's beautiful." He said this slowly, as if he was afraid he would hurt her feelings. She could see his neck turning red from embrrassment. He called her baby. He never called her baby before. She liked it.
"I'm sorry. I meant you're very handsome."
"That's better. You're not so bad looking yourself, you know." They were still at the stop sign. He had put the car in neutral by now and turned to look at her, smiling probably as happily as she was. It was funny how just a smile from him seemed to make everything just a little better for her.
"You know you're my favorite boy." She says the words seriously, as she put a hand up to his jaw. She didn't smile even when he looked at her in amusement.
"Ditto. Wait. No. I mean you're my favorite girl. Not boy." She grinned. He looked so confused.
"Really?"
"Totally."
"Good." she let him go and he turned his attention back to the road, moving the gear back into drive.
"Hey Rach?"
"Yes Finn?"
"What happened back there?" It was silent for a while as she tried to gather her words.
"I just had an epiphany. I realized something," she clarified when he seemed perplexed. She watched as comprehension graced his features.
"Oh. Right, I knew that. What is it?"
"Just that Shelby wasn't the one. I thought she was because she was my mother. Bu it's not her."
"Who is it?" She knew he probably didn't even know what she was talking about. Good. She didn't want him to understand. Not yet. She made the mistake of pushing him once and she won't do it again. It can wait. They have all the time in the world.
"We'll see."
That night, she wrote a new letter all about her revelation. It was her very first letter that began with Dear Finn.