Within My Heart Are Memories
by Invisible Sun
Disclaimer: Joss and ME owns 'em. I'm just borrowing.
Keywords: angst, S/B
Spoilers: up through 'Dead Things'
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Three months after an Apocalypse that claims someone Buffy
loves but never told him, she discovers she may have another chance
to tell him assuming she can help him remember...
*****
So many. Too many. Demons were coming from all sides. The
Scoobies wouldn't be able to hold out for much longer. The Slayer
and the Vampire wouldn't be able to, either. There were too many
of them. Demons of all shapes and sizes. All species. Vampire.
Chaos. M'Fashnik. Mohra. Some Buffy never even seen before.
They all had congregated together for the reopening of the Hellmouth.
Buffy couldn't remember the details about it; that didn't matter
now. What mattered was that this was a fight to the death.
Better the demons' than theirs.
Everything was happening so fast. Buffy wasn't quite sure what
was going on. She remembered fighting a demon with four arms,
scaly, and slimy. She killed it. Easily. She twirled around to
stake a vampire that had been sneaking up behind her. A quick glance
around told her what was happening. Xander, Anya, and Willow had
teamed together and were currently taking on a huge seven-foot-tall
demon with large horns. None seemed to be hurt. And for that she
was grateful.
She heard Spike shout her name before she was shoved to the ground.
Spike yelled in pain before collapsing next to her. She panicked
when he didn't jump up. He just laid on the ground, gasping. She
moved to him.
A stake protruded from his chest. He had saved her from being
killed. But now, he was dying.
Blood. There was so much blood. Blood oozing from the wound.
Blood seeping through his lips.
"Spike?" she whispered, frightened.
He looked at her, eyes glazing over.
Tears ran down her cheeks. Oh, God, he's going to die, she thought.
"Buffy-" Spike gasped.
She placed a finger on his lips, "Shh. Don't speak." She rested
her forehead against his. She kissed him, "I love you."
"I love you, too." And he was gone.
*****
Buffy woke up, sitting up quickly.
That dream again. The same dream she has been having for three
months. Three very long months. But it wasn't a dream. No. It
was a memory. A nightmarish memory. Except, he turned to dust
before she had a chance to say what she wanted to...needed to. So
now, she said it in her dreams. Over and over.
When it was all over, Buffy had stood in front of his ashes, shocked,
overwhelmed. She couldn't believe he was really gone. Nobody could.
He died protecting her.
Afterwards, Buffy tried to pretend that she didn't miss him, that
she could have cared less. She felt she had to pretend. For her
friends. She had put them through so much. They didn't need her
pain. And fear. She still feared how her friends would react if
they knew. If they knew of her feelings for the blond vampire.
How would they react? She knew it was an irrational fear (because,
if she loved him, she shouldn't care what others thought) but it was
still there nonetheless.
So she lived her life in secret pain. During the day she pretended
to be happy and already adjusted to not having the cocky vampire in
her life. The pain was eating her up inside. She had no one to share
her grief.
Nighttime was the worse. Patrolling was no longer as fun as it was in
the past. After she had done her Slayerly duty, she would sit in her
dark room and cry quietly.
On extremely hard nights, like tonight, she snuck out of the house and
went to Spike's empty crypt. She would crawl on the bed that the two
had shared, however briefly. She would curl up, fetal position, and
let the tears come freely.
*****
*Don't you think it's time, Sister?*
* Yes, it is.*
* It is time for the Slayer of Slayers to return to the world.*
*Yes, he has proven himself worthy -*
*- Of a second chance.*
*A second chance to join us against the forces of darkness.*
*To aide the Slayer in the fight.*
*It is time, Brother, for him to depart from the realm of darkness.*
*And join the light.*
*It is now done.*
*****
Buffy entered the kitchen through the back door.
"Buffy, where have you been?" Willow asked worriedly, having forgotten
all about the pancakes she was making.
"Oh, I couldn't sleep last night, so I went out to patrol some
more," Buffy lied.
"All night?"
Buffy shrugged, "Yeah?"
Willow looked at her, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Of course, I'm fine," Buffy looked away, towards the
staircase, "I'm going to take a nap. I'll see you later."
Buffy left the kitchen. Willow watched her, worried. She knew
Buffy was lying. She had seen the dried tear tracks on her cheeks.
No, she was far from okay. Willow just wished she would talk to her.
*****
"I love you."
Buffy turned around to face him, "I love you, too."
Spike moved to her. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and
kissed him deeply, desperately. He wrapped his cold muscular arms
around her waist. When they separated, mostly out of her need to
breathe, they were standing on a beach. In sunlight.
Panicked, Buffy tried to get Spike to cover himself with his duster.
"Spike! The sun!"
He laughed, "It's okay, luv."
She looked at him, doubtful.
"Really, it is."
She looked at his smiling face and couldn't help but smile back.
She reached out and touched his chest. Warm. He was warm. Buffy
hugged him tightly. He laughed and tightened his arms around her,
burying his nose in her hair. Relaxing her hold slightly, Buffy
reached up and kissed him again. When they pulled away, Spike
rested his forehead against hers.
"Buffy, I need you to promise me something."
"What?"
"Promise me that you'll help me remember."
"What are you talking about?"
"Just promise, pet."
"I promise."
*****
Buffy opened her eyes. Another dream with Spike. But this one
was different. He wasn't dying. In fact, it seemed quite the
opposite. He seemed to be full of life. Alive. Why did she
torture herself like this, she wondered. It wasn't enough that
she relived that tragic night over and over but now she was
dreaming that he was alive and human.
Tears threatened to fall. Would she ever find her peace, she
lamented. It was too much. All too much. She rolled over on
her side, facing away from the door, and cried again.
A couple of hours later, after she dried her tears and cleaned up,
Buffy entered the Magic Shop.
"Hey, Buffy," Xander greeted from the table.
"Hey," she responded, smiling slightly.
Everyone was here. Time for the meeting. Buffy took a seat next
to Dawn.
Anya busied herself with the cashier. She was counting the cash.
Her favorite part of her job.
"Excuse me, Ma'am?" a man with a British accent asked.
"Oh, you made me lose count," she whined.
"I'm terribly sorry."
"Oh, it's okay." She placed the money back in the cash register,
"Now, what can I do for you?"
She looked up at him and found herself looking into the eyes that
belonged to Spike.
End Part One
TBC...
by Invisible Sun
Disclaimer: Joss and ME owns 'em. I'm just borrowing.
Keywords: angst, S/B
Spoilers: up through 'Dead Things'
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Three months after an Apocalypse that claims someone Buffy
loves but never told him, she discovers she may have another chance
to tell him assuming she can help him remember...
*****
So many. Too many. Demons were coming from all sides. The
Scoobies wouldn't be able to hold out for much longer. The Slayer
and the Vampire wouldn't be able to, either. There were too many
of them. Demons of all shapes and sizes. All species. Vampire.
Chaos. M'Fashnik. Mohra. Some Buffy never even seen before.
They all had congregated together for the reopening of the Hellmouth.
Buffy couldn't remember the details about it; that didn't matter
now. What mattered was that this was a fight to the death.
Better the demons' than theirs.
Everything was happening so fast. Buffy wasn't quite sure what
was going on. She remembered fighting a demon with four arms,
scaly, and slimy. She killed it. Easily. She twirled around to
stake a vampire that had been sneaking up behind her. A quick glance
around told her what was happening. Xander, Anya, and Willow had
teamed together and were currently taking on a huge seven-foot-tall
demon with large horns. None seemed to be hurt. And for that she
was grateful.
She heard Spike shout her name before she was shoved to the ground.
Spike yelled in pain before collapsing next to her. She panicked
when he didn't jump up. He just laid on the ground, gasping. She
moved to him.
A stake protruded from his chest. He had saved her from being
killed. But now, he was dying.
Blood. There was so much blood. Blood oozing from the wound.
Blood seeping through his lips.
"Spike?" she whispered, frightened.
He looked at her, eyes glazing over.
Tears ran down her cheeks. Oh, God, he's going to die, she thought.
"Buffy-" Spike gasped.
She placed a finger on his lips, "Shh. Don't speak." She rested
her forehead against his. She kissed him, "I love you."
"I love you, too." And he was gone.
*****
Buffy woke up, sitting up quickly.
That dream again. The same dream she has been having for three
months. Three very long months. But it wasn't a dream. No. It
was a memory. A nightmarish memory. Except, he turned to dust
before she had a chance to say what she wanted to...needed to. So
now, she said it in her dreams. Over and over.
When it was all over, Buffy had stood in front of his ashes, shocked,
overwhelmed. She couldn't believe he was really gone. Nobody could.
He died protecting her.
Afterwards, Buffy tried to pretend that she didn't miss him, that
she could have cared less. She felt she had to pretend. For her
friends. She had put them through so much. They didn't need her
pain. And fear. She still feared how her friends would react if
they knew. If they knew of her feelings for the blond vampire.
How would they react? She knew it was an irrational fear (because,
if she loved him, she shouldn't care what others thought) but it was
still there nonetheless.
So she lived her life in secret pain. During the day she pretended
to be happy and already adjusted to not having the cocky vampire in
her life. The pain was eating her up inside. She had no one to share
her grief.
Nighttime was the worse. Patrolling was no longer as fun as it was in
the past. After she had done her Slayerly duty, she would sit in her
dark room and cry quietly.
On extremely hard nights, like tonight, she snuck out of the house and
went to Spike's empty crypt. She would crawl on the bed that the two
had shared, however briefly. She would curl up, fetal position, and
let the tears come freely.
*****
*Don't you think it's time, Sister?*
* Yes, it is.*
* It is time for the Slayer of Slayers to return to the world.*
*Yes, he has proven himself worthy -*
*- Of a second chance.*
*A second chance to join us against the forces of darkness.*
*To aide the Slayer in the fight.*
*It is time, Brother, for him to depart from the realm of darkness.*
*And join the light.*
*It is now done.*
*****
Buffy entered the kitchen through the back door.
"Buffy, where have you been?" Willow asked worriedly, having forgotten
all about the pancakes she was making.
"Oh, I couldn't sleep last night, so I went out to patrol some
more," Buffy lied.
"All night?"
Buffy shrugged, "Yeah?"
Willow looked at her, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Of course, I'm fine," Buffy looked away, towards the
staircase, "I'm going to take a nap. I'll see you later."
Buffy left the kitchen. Willow watched her, worried. She knew
Buffy was lying. She had seen the dried tear tracks on her cheeks.
No, she was far from okay. Willow just wished she would talk to her.
*****
"I love you."
Buffy turned around to face him, "I love you, too."
Spike moved to her. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and
kissed him deeply, desperately. He wrapped his cold muscular arms
around her waist. When they separated, mostly out of her need to
breathe, they were standing on a beach. In sunlight.
Panicked, Buffy tried to get Spike to cover himself with his duster.
"Spike! The sun!"
He laughed, "It's okay, luv."
She looked at him, doubtful.
"Really, it is."
She looked at his smiling face and couldn't help but smile back.
She reached out and touched his chest. Warm. He was warm. Buffy
hugged him tightly. He laughed and tightened his arms around her,
burying his nose in her hair. Relaxing her hold slightly, Buffy
reached up and kissed him again. When they pulled away, Spike
rested his forehead against hers.
"Buffy, I need you to promise me something."
"What?"
"Promise me that you'll help me remember."
"What are you talking about?"
"Just promise, pet."
"I promise."
*****
Buffy opened her eyes. Another dream with Spike. But this one
was different. He wasn't dying. In fact, it seemed quite the
opposite. He seemed to be full of life. Alive. Why did she
torture herself like this, she wondered. It wasn't enough that
she relived that tragic night over and over but now she was
dreaming that he was alive and human.
Tears threatened to fall. Would she ever find her peace, she
lamented. It was too much. All too much. She rolled over on
her side, facing away from the door, and cried again.
A couple of hours later, after she dried her tears and cleaned up,
Buffy entered the Magic Shop.
"Hey, Buffy," Xander greeted from the table.
"Hey," she responded, smiling slightly.
Everyone was here. Time for the meeting. Buffy took a seat next
to Dawn.
Anya busied herself with the cashier. She was counting the cash.
Her favorite part of her job.
"Excuse me, Ma'am?" a man with a British accent asked.
"Oh, you made me lose count," she whined.
"I'm terribly sorry."
"Oh, it's okay." She placed the money back in the cash register,
"Now, what can I do for you?"
She looked up at him and found herself looking into the eyes that
belonged to Spike.
End Part One
TBC...