And what is to be done about the pig, Sir?
Note: I don't own Hornblower – ITV does.
* * *
HMS Justinian had spent the last few weeks skulking around the Isle of Wight, lurking on the French ships in the Channel.
This night she had come to lay at anchor in Spithead, a few miles off the Hampshire coast. Most of the crew lay sleeping in their hammocks – except for two young mischievous midshipmen who had broken the standing rule of curfew.
"Horatio, where are you? ... This is a really bad idea. Why here in the stable?"
"Because, Archie, it's the only place we can be alone."
"But we're not alone... exactly."
"Yes but they're only animals they won't know... they're just there."
"Yeah but why didn't you bring a lantern in here? I can't see a bloody thing!"
"Archie, we mustn't be seen... come towards me!"
"Where are you? ... I can't see... Ouch!"
"Archie, what happened?"
"I-I fell... I'm alright but I don't think the pig is."
"You've injured a pig?"
"No I just walked into it... It's probably still asleep... or unconscious."
"Would you still be sleeping if someone bumped into you?"
"I-in a hammock? Really Simpson hasn't tried that yet!"
"Archie this is a serious situation! Where are you? I want to check if it's alright!"
"It isn't alright. We've broken curfew! We're supposed to be asleep in the quarters!"
"No I meant the pig! Keep talking to me and I'll find you."
"I knew something bad would happen, Horatio..."
"Alright Archie, I'm here... Okay, I can feel its body... It's a large pig... How come you managed knocking that out?"
"Now you're being cruel!"
"I was only jesting, Archie!"
"Well, how about the pig?"
"Good news or bad news first, Archie?"
"Well... um... the good first... please."
"I've got a good grasp of the situation."
"And the bad?"
"The pig is dead!"
W-well are you sure?"
"Yes I'm bloody well sure, Archie! It's not breathing!"
"Isn't there something we can do?"
"Like giving it a decent burial?"
"Yeah... No! I meant bringing it back to life."
"It's dead Archie."
"Yeah but Dr. Hepplewhite could probably do something about..."
"What will happen to us then? A spell in the rigging?"
"Death?"
"No, we're not at war..."
"Yet!"
"Yet."
"Horatio! Someone's coming!"
"Shit! Hide and be quiet no matter what happens!"
"But there's dung everywhere! I won't spend the rest of the month smelling like the staple boys!"
"Archie, you've gotta hide!"
"Too late, snotty!"
"Mr. Simpson!"
"Simpson!"
"Mr. Simpson! What are you doing here?"
"Someone's stolen my cunt-boy! And I think I just might've found him! Archie, is that you behind that pig?"
"How did you know we were here?"
"Well since you ask so politely, snotty, the stable's the only place where one can be alone..."
"Yeah, but..."
"...so when you two weren't in your hammocks I figured you might be in here."
"Archie, don't move! Stay where you are!"
"So, you're the one giving the orders around here? Mind your cheek, snotty, or do you wanna end up all battered and bruised in the morning? ... KENNEDY! COME HERE!"
"NO! Please... NO, Mr. Simpson... Please! ... Aaaahhhhhh"
"W-what's happening with Kennedy?"
"Oh no! He's having a fit... Archie? Archie, are you alright?"
"I'll just have to deal with him later! You first, snotty. You stole my cunt-boy! You're gonna pay!"
"Simpson, you've got no right to treat Archie this way! We're in love."
"Love or not, you're still gonna pay! ... What the..."
"Hello Jack."
"Clayton! What are you doing? NO... Don't..."
...
"It's alright now, Horatio."
"Thank you Clayton, he really deserved that. You've just saved my life!"
"No need to thank me, Horatio. Jack deserved a good clubbing. It was actually quite enjoyable, I'll probably have to do this more often ... Is that Archie behind that pig?"
"Behind that dead pig, yes."
"What happened? Is this Jack's doing?
"Partly."
"Partly? What do you mean by partly?"
"Archie killed it."
"How?"
"He walked into it!"
"He purposely walked into a pig?"
"No it was dark and he just stumbled and fell."
"And the pig is definitely dead?"
"Definitely! Its neck's broken."
"And what does that have to do with Simpson?"
"He's here."
"Yes, Horatio, I know he's here ... It's your luck he's unconscious..."
"...and Archie's"
"What do you mean? Has it started again?"
"Simpson said he was looking for his cunt-boy. He accused me of taking Archie...um...Kennedy away from him!"
"Dammit! I feared as much. That's why I followed Jack ... But what are you two doing here in the first place?"
"We... we were trying to be alone with each other."
Ah... a little clandestine meeting between you two. I should've guessed."
"Yes ... What are we going to do with them two and the pig?"
"This weird situation has given me an idea... Horatio, we'll wait until Archie comes around so we can get him out of here."
"And what about Simpson?"
"Let's just say he'll be getting what he deserves."
* * *
Early, the following morning, Captain Keane spent his first seconds awake listening to the watch officer's information about an intruder in the stable section.
"Where is he?" he asked the officer.
"He's still in the stable, Sir." Lt. Eccleston said, trying to keep himself from laughing.
"Take me to him!" he commanded with a surly tone of voice.
On the way to the staple he thought he would find one of the hands who, out of drunken stupidity, had fallen down from the cannon deck and landed in the stable. Instead, much to his surprise, stood the groggy and confused Mr. Simpson – the most incompetent midshipman and his least favourite on the Justinian – beside Simpson, on each side, stood two armed soldiers.
"SIMPSON!" he shouted but got no reaction, "Mr. Simpson! Explain yourself!" Keane couldn't believe his eyes.
"I-I...um..." Simpson replied, still hazed from Clayton's assault.
"Explain yourself, man! Why did you break into the stable? Why did you kill that pig? A problem with the amount of your food rations, perhaps?" he asked sarcastically.
"Well?" he asked impatiently but Simpson felt, with good reason, that it was better to stay silent.
"Lt. Chadd, take money from Simpson's wages until he has paid his debt to His Majesty's Royal Navy for the damage he has done."
"Yes Sir."
"And hang him up in the rigging until I say he has learnt his lesson."
"Yes Sir."
A surprised Simpson stared at the lieutenants, who both enjoyed Simpson's displeasure.
The hands had not yet cleared the deck and they awaited the captain's orders.
Eccleston looked at his captain "And what is to be done about the pig, Sir?"
THE END