Everything by saulalovin
A NCIS fan fiction
Pairing: Tony DiNozzo and Kate Todd
Summary: She was his everything – always was, and always will be.
Spoilers: Post-Twilight. Argh, you have no idea how much the finale pissed me off.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of 'NCIS'. If I did Kate would still be alive this very second, and nothing as tragic or as ridiculous as her death would've happened.
Author's Note: I haven't exactly watched the season finale yet (sucks to live outside of the US sometimes), but I will watch it as soon as my aunt mails me the tape. So forgive me if some details are wrong – just inform me and I'll fix it. Oh, and have I mentioned how angry and sad the finale made me? No? Well, the finale made me very sad and angry. There, I've mentioned it. And this, this is my grief counseling, right here.
Author's Note #2: I am a practicing Catholic, and while I haven't experienced the death of someone close to me, I do know what it's like to be angry with Him. I don't mean to offend anyone – particularly fellow Catholics – with the things written below.
Two months after Kate's death
Tony DiNozzo gripped the top of the warm stone headstone and sighed. He knelt down, laid a bouquet of flowers at foot of the headstone and straightened up, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"Hey, Kate." He closed his eyes briefly and pictured her standing in front of him. He opened his eyes. "Sorry I haven't gone to see you sooner. I've been…busy."
He hung his head. "Oh, who am I kidding? You know I'm lying." He pressed his lips together tightly and looked away. Seeing the neat rows of graves sent a shiver up his spine, and he forced himself to look back at Kate's.
"I miss you, you know. Ordinarily, my ego wouldn't allow me to say that, but… I do miss you –every single minute of each and every day. I think about you all the time. We all do.
Gibbs has been at the HQ practically 24/7, throwing himself into work. In the rare moments he's not there, he's at home, building his ship down in the basement. People say he's hurrying to finish it so he can sail away from here, away from all this. Live on an island or something. Can you imagine that, Kate? Gibbs on an island? He'd be alone, that's for sure, because he'd scare away every single living thing there. Of course, he'd have to get the boat out of his basement first. I'd like to see how he's going to do that.
Probie's started taking online classes from MIT again. I think he wants to outsmart himself, if that makes sense. All sorts of papers are strewn over his desk. I came across a paper yesterday on the floor that was filled with doodles. I was about to throw it away when McGee practically tackled me to the floor – he's not as weak as he looks – and informs me that they weren't doodles, but some higher math that I can't comprehend.
Abby is more subdued now. I don't know, but I could swear that she's playing her music at a slightly lower volume. I actually saw her wear a white top the other day, and when I asked her about it, she told me she was in mourning, and that the Chinese wore white when they mourned. She apparently believes she has a miniscule drop of Chinese blood in her, and that explains her love for Chinese take-out. I didn't know what to say to that, so I stayed quiet.
Ducky's started talking to the bodies more. He tells them stories about you. It's actually quite sweet, not disgusting like I originally thought. He's taken to Palmer and teaching him everything he knows. Palmer is beginning to get a grasp on Ducky's rules. He's stopped stating the obvious, too, and he's starting to understand Gibbs' abrupt comments. You have no idea how proud we are of him."
Suddenly feeling very tired, Tony lowered himself to the ground and sat down on the grass. He reached out and touched the edge of the tombstone. "Me? How am I doing?" He laughed somewhat bitterly. "I'm getting by, I guess."
Without warning tears sprang to his eyes. "I wish I could see you, Kate. Just for one last time," he whispered. "I wish I could've taken that bullet for you. I would've, in a heartbeat. You know that."
"I have nightmares. I see you die, again and again, in my sleep. All that blood…" He shuddered involuntarily and shut his eyes. "Your eyes were open and you were staring blankly up at me. All the blood was draining out of your face – literally. You were so, so pale. I started praying that very second. I told God, 'Just save her. I'll do anything.'"
A tear slid down his cheek, and he brushed it away furiously. "He didn't save you. The Almighty, we call him. With a mere thought He could've saved you. And he didn't." He clenched his fists tightly, angrily, his knuckles turning white.
"You know how they say, 'You never really know what you have until it's gone'? This is a perfect example of that. For two years, we've done this little dance. We'd argue, bicker, piss each other off… But you know I never meant all those horrible things I said, right? I think you knew how deeply I cared for you. I know you felt the same way about me. But we kept skirting around it, ignoring it – putting off and convincing ourselves that we could deal with all of this another time. Telling ourselves that it wasn't like the other was going anywhere.
But you went away. In a blink of an eye, you were gone. God, Kate – if only you had stayed alive for a few more seconds. I could've told you, right then and there, how much I loved you. Kate Todd, you are my everything – always have, always will be. You will never know how much you meant to me. Dammit, I love you. It shouldn't be this way. You should be with me, alive, at this very moment, telling me that you love me too."
More tears ran down his cheek, unable to stop them any longer. "I miss you," he continued, his voice shaking. "I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss your stupid health food, like those veggie wraps you tried to sic on me, Gibbs and Probie. I miss your elbowing me in the gut. I miss interrogating suspects with you. I miss pushing your buttons. I miss annoying you with my movie references. I miss making funny faces at you across my desk. I miss blackmailing you with that wet T-shirt photo. I miss you so fucking much, Kate."
He fell silent, his chest heaving with emotion and tears still streaming silently down his cheeks. After a while he spoke up.
"You do know that if it would bring you back, I would've deleted that photo? But I didn't. I actually had it developed. It's sitting in a frame at home. It reminds me of how you used to be – beautiful and so very alive."
He traced her name engraved on the headstone. "If only I had one last chance, Katie." Several tears rolled down his cheeks and dropped onto the stone, wetting it. "If only I could've told you how much I loved you."
"I'm never going to forget you, you know that? Not even if I tried. Someone as amazing, as beautiful as you can never be forgotten." He got up and brushed the grass off his jeans. He bent down, pressed a kiss onto the cold stone of the headstone and said, "I love you, Caitlin Todd. Rest in peace."
He turned around, and with one last look over his shoulder, began to walk away. A soft breeze rustled through the trees and carried the unmistakable sound of a woman's laughter.
And he swore that he heard Kate say, "I love you too, Tony."
THE END